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    webby57's Avatar
    webby57 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 31, 2009, 12:19 PM
    Disrespectful, lazy 26 year old daughter
    I have a daughter who is 26 years old, single with 1 child and is disrespectful to her parents. She lived with a useless, controlling boyfriend that got her preqnant a couple years ago. We finally got her and her son (our grandson whom we dearly love) to move back in with us. She was going to college to be a nurse before she got preqnant. He caused her a lot of stress and caused her to get kicked out of college because of her grades. That's a little background.

    They have lived with us for about 2 years now. She works and supports her son, unlike the father who wants visitation but will not pay any money for support. They are in process of going to court. We have been helping her out so she can get her bills and credit built back up. We cook, wash their clothes, etc. She has free rent, food,utilities, etc. We have tried to get her to help out around the house and she will not do anything but run the road and sit on her butt when she gets home. We do help her with our grandson like babysitting, bath him, feed him, etc. When we ask her to do something we get a reply "I'll get it later" or "no I am busy now" (sitting watching tv-thats busy) or many other lame excuses. Then she is also disrespectful the parents. I would have kicked her out many months ago if it were not for our grandson. I don't want her moving back in with the deadbeat boyfriend for more abuse and we are afraid he will hurt our grandson. If it was just her I would say "get out of my house" but I do not want to put our grandson in any dangers and we want him raised as a loving person not hateful like his mom and dad.

    What would you do in a situation like this?
    LearningAsIGo's Avatar
    LearningAsIGo Posts: 2,653, Reputation: 350
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    #2

    Aug 31, 2009, 12:32 PM

    Tough Love.

    She's using her child to manipulate you, knowing you love her son and wouldn't want to make him suffer in any way.

    Decide on a plan before you speak with her. Give her a timeline to get on her feet and (if you can) offer child care to get her through it. Once you set a date stick to it no matter what. Its possible that she will assume you'll back down or forget the whole thing.

    Come to an agreement with her. What does she have to do to be allowed to stay? What will happen to her if she doesn't stick to the agreement? Pay rent? Pay some of the utilities? Groceries?

    It'll be hard, but "tough love" is just that. Sometimes you have to force people to learn to take care of themselves and quit taking advantage of others.

    Just so you know - I'm 30 and have been independent for 12 years. On the other hand, my brother is 29 and JUST left home 2 years ago. He forced himself to move out of state to start over from living with our grandmother. It's the best thing he could have done for himself.
    rachelbunny's Avatar
    rachelbunny Posts: 23, Reputation: 0
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    #3

    Aug 31, 2009, 01:46 PM
    Hi, this is so weird, I'm 26 and have a 7 year old son from an abusive relationship. I have been an independent adult since I got pregnant at 18. I have very supportive parents but I have lived on my own most of the time since I became a parent. I wouldn't dream of treating my parents that way and would feel a failure if I had to live with and constantly rely on them. I live in a council house now and my son and I are very happy. My parents do babysit quite a lot though, but I really appreciate it.

    She should be the one doing the parenting of her son and she should be helping around the house, paying rent, etc. She doesn't want to go back to her ex either I bet, so be tough and get her back to college, I did, she can get a place of her own, I did. X
    jmjoseph's Avatar
    jmjoseph Posts: 2,727, Reputation: 1244
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    #4

    Aug 31, 2009, 02:09 PM
    Hello webby57,

    She's grown , even though she's not an adult. I personally would sit her down and tell her no more. No more of you doing all of the work. She either needs to do her share , or she's out. Does she want to go back to the boyfriend? Probably not.

    She's got you over a barrel like "LAIG" mentioned, and she KNOWS it. Maybe she will call your bluff, but I doubt it. She also has no right to disrespect you and your husband in your OWN HOUSE. Ask her if she is going to allow her son to talk to HER that way.

    Talk to her and lay down some ground rules. I know you don't want her to leave, but it's your house and you don't deserve to be driven crazy when you're just trying to help out.

    Tell her the free babysitting is going to stop too, until she gets her act together.

    Good luck to you.
    webby57's Avatar
    webby57 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Aug 31, 2009, 02:19 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by LearningAsIGo View Post
    Tough Love.

    She's using her child to manipulate you, knowing you love her son and wouldn't want to make him suffer in any way.

    Decide on a plan before you speak with her. Give her a timeline to get on her feet and (if you can) offer child care to get her thru it. Once you set a date stick to it no matter what. Its possible that she will assume you'll back down or forget the whole thing.

    Come to an agreement with her. What does she have to do to be allowed to stay? What will happen to her if she doesn't stick to the agreement? Pay rent? Pay some of the utilities? Groceries?

    It'll be hard, but "tough love" is just that. Sometimes you have to force people to learn to take care of themselves and quit taking advantage of others.

    Just so you know - I'm 30 and have been independent for 12 years. On the other hand, my brother is 29 and JUST left home 2 years ago. He forced himself to move out of state to start over from living with our grandmother. Its the best thing he could have done for himself.
    I agree she is using us. We are just concerned with our grandchild's safety.
    webby57's Avatar
    webby57 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Aug 31, 2009, 02:23 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by rachelbunny View Post
    Hi, this is so weird, I'm 26 and have a 7 year old son from an abusive relationship. I have been an independent adult since i got pregnant at 18. I have very supportive parents but I have lived on my own most of the time since i became a parent. I wouldn't dream of treating my parents that way and would feel a failure if i had to live with and constantly rely on them. I live in a council house now and my son and i are very happy. My parents do babysit quite a lot though, but i really appreciate it.

    She should be the one doing the parenting of her son and she should be helping around the house, paying rent, etc. She dosn't want to go back to her ex either i bet, so be tough and get her back to college, i did, she can get a place of her own, i did. x
    You are a lot more respondsible than most. Kids are so lazy and inmature today. I am glad to hear from someone like you who is not afraid of taking respondsibility. Great job on your part. Thanks for the comment.
    beautifulskin's Avatar
    beautifulskin Posts: 143, Reputation: 5
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    #7

    Sep 3, 2009, 12:25 PM

    I think that the tough love approach is definitely best. I am not saying to abandon your grandson but, your daughter needs to take responsibility for her own life. If you continue to let her be irresponsible what kind of example is she going to set for her son, and when will she EVER move out of your house?
    willim19's Avatar
    willim19 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Aug 18, 2011, 01:43 PM
    I am living with same problem--her and husband said they would quit smoking--have not yet, they have 2 yr old son and now she is pregnant again. Only pay $500 a month in rent. Never cleans even when I beg her--she yells at me that I am being mean. I hate my life. I cry everyday. What can I do.--mary kay
    kdbrumm's Avatar
    kdbrumm Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Jan 30, 2012, 09:27 PM
    My 26 year old daughter has also been living with me after leaving an abusive relationship. She has a beautiful daughter who we love very much. She lays in bed all morning while the child takes care of herself. If I try to step in she yells at me. She doesn't pick up after herself. I am constantly taking her cups and plates in the kitchen. She leaves dirty diapers everywhere and my guest bedroom looks like a hoarders room. Two nights ago she decided she was in love with her boyfriend yet once again and went back. We have heard nothing but how bad this guy is and what he does to her but yet she loves him again. Now, my husband and I are the bad guy and she has told him how we never tell her we love her and how awful our house has been for her to live in. I'm beside myself.
    hourb07's Avatar
    hourb07 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Aug 1, 2013, 03:13 AM
    Wow its amazing how you think its only you and yet there are many of us in this situation. Yes, I also have a 26 year old who has a 6 year old living with the same characteristics as you have mentioned. I've tried to understand it but it bugs me beyond belief. What is it with this generation! You give them the best self sacrificing love and support and actually what you get back is selfish, thankless rewards. Its heartbreaking and at times you think you a failure. Well good people here's the thing and I have had to harden the realistic fact that people like this are who they are by character and trust me they choose to be the way they are because that is what they want. Knowing this I've said, right grandchild or no grandchild, this is your choice so please live it just not at my emotional, mental, spiritual, financial and physical expense. Do whatever it is you want to do OUT THERE not here and not to the family. GO ON, you have my blessings and YOU know that if you need any guidance or support I'm here to offer it to you. You can chose the right way with terms and conditions otherwise I'm not budging. I'm done! You cannot change a selfish person so you have to opt to stay away from them. Every good thing from above is because I put my foot forward first and I'm reaping the rewards. I'm not letting 'the lazy one' take my gift away from me. Now that would be silly and foolish. To let someone take your gift of happiness and independence away means you don't appreciate the blessings of hard work you have been given or sacrificed so hard for. Tell your daughter you love her but she has to grow. 'Take advantage of me once, and its your fault, take advantage of me twice and its my fault'. Guilt free Mum
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #11

    Aug 1, 2013, 07:28 AM
    Closed, this thread is over 4 years old.

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