Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    1badchoice's Avatar
    1badchoice Posts: 227, Reputation: 45
    Full Member
     
    #1

    Jul 11, 2008, 01:46 AM
    Deal with runaway/defiant child
    :( I have debated where to post this question... normally I would opt for teen instead of children however most of "teen" looks to be from teens not about how to cope with them. My daughter and I have had many ups and downs and it isn't getting any easier. She left my home on July 8th after a major argument and has not come home. She knows I am worried sick. The last time I found her gone from my house in the middle of the night she threatened that she would not return unless I promised her she would be in no trouble and be allowed more freedoms. Keep in mind she had snuck out and actually planned to return had I not realized she was gone. At that time I told her nothing would happen because I was frantic and angry wanting her home safely. When she did get home I took her cell phone for 1 mo and grounded her for 2 weeks. I pay the cell bill. Anyway, again she is gone though this time as a runaway... filed the paperwork. I am so sick with worry. The night she left I later attempted suicide and almost succeeded. They kept me in the heart treatment wing for 2 days worried about the physical aspects of my overdose. This was not my best moment. The doctor said basically you had all this anger at her that you started with then turned on yourself. It's hard not to when she(my daughter) tells me I should just kill myself, etc. She has a wicked tongue and gets worse the more you tell her no. I cannot say I am a saint. Over the past year I have probably called her a at least 4-5 times. All I know is she is ruining my "today's" and possibly her "tomorrow's". I don't have money for a boarding school or she would be there. I am ambivalent about the juvenile justice system as I don't want her to learn how to be an even more difficult teen. I definitely plan on her having consequences but on the other hand am SOOOOO scared that my 16 yr old daughter is out there somewhere. Any advice is welcome. Take it easy with the negative as I am well aware of my faults. Thanks in advance.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
    Uber Member
     
    #2

    Jul 11, 2008, 04:16 PM
    Have a mother/daughter talk with her about respecting being considerate to you.
    Ask her what does she see as some mature ways to handle letting you know where she is going and when she will be back. Ask her what she sees as the problems. Tell her your concerns and how it effects your health worrying. Tell her that running away can end up getting her friends families in serious trouble, especially if anything bad happened to her.
    blackblue's Avatar
    blackblue Posts: 145, Reputation: 8
    Junior Member
     
    #3

    Jul 11, 2008, 08:40 PM
    How long has she been gone for?


    I know how that goes.My brother has been a runaway most of his teen life.He has been in juvenile hall more than I can count.He has been in adult jail 3 times since his 18th birthday.He is now 19, in jail and father to two. Some kids need a wake up call.For him I think it was something different.He was not just being "difficult" he has a mental disorder (undiagnosed but I know it's there) Maybe a stint in juvenile hall is the trick.

    Have you consulted anyone about the possibility? I do not think that she would be corrupted after just one stint, if anything she would be scared less.

    Do you also have health benefits that allow counseling? Maybe a few counseling sessions will help assist your relationship with her.Don't turn to suicide.You are on this earth to live YOUR life.Not hers.You can only guide her in the right direction but it is up to her to take it.

    She may say she hates you she wants you dead but she is probably just frustrated.Remember what it's like to be young? All your friends enjoying freedom not really having a care in the world of the consequences.Unfortunately you do and of course you want to protect her.


    Don't beat yourself up over it.Even try writing a letter to her.Pour out your feelings,concerns and what you admire about her.Maybe that would be a true way of letting her know that you do love her even though she might be caught up in her own littler world to recognize it.
    sammygirl11's Avatar
    sammygirl11 Posts: 3, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #4

    Jul 11, 2008, 10:40 PM
    I feel your pain. Tonight my 14 year old son is missing. I signed him up for a live in residence, to learn behaviour modification, etc. and he ranaway, this is the second time in a week. He ranaway after midnight a few nights ago from home. He also does not like rules. I limit his internet and set a bed time for 11:00pm and he freaks out over that. You are not alone dealing with your teenager. There are other options besides boarding schools. I too looked in my community, and was unable to afford them. I found a program that does not charge, funded by the government. (its a voluntary program, and the children can still leave) My suggestion to you is to stick to your word, be firm, but set limits and boundaries. Be flexible where possible. My son called me earlier today from the residence I placed him at, and said "if you don't come and get me NOW, you will never see me again. I told him I loved him, and I could not go get him. By not going, I showed him that his "threats" were not going to work with me, even though my heart was heavy with sadness) You must stay strong, believe me, I know, easier said than done. I am extremely worried as I write this as to the whereabouts of my son, but I will stick to my word, and show him that taking off in the middle of night has consequences. I would suggest to you to seek community supports through family and children services in your area. That includes help for your daughter and you! Good Luck
    1badchoice's Avatar
    1badchoice Posts: 227, Reputation: 45
    Full Member
     
    #5

    Jul 11, 2008, 11:44 PM
    Thank all of you for responding... I checked all day and no one responded at first. I thought maybe I shouldn't have asked for positive feedback. LOL Ultimately I was just scared from the moment I woke up until my daughter finally called this evening and wanted to come home. I felt like crying with joy... even as I felt manipulated into not punishing her for worrying me so much. We had to go to police dept as I listed her as a runaway to let them know she is okay. I tried to tell her before we went back to act contrite... maybe even a bit sorry. She did not and the officer filed charges of being unruly. I was secretely glad. When we got to the car she was bawling like a baby. I begged her to consider seeing the psychiatrist again as I truly think she may be bipolar. Long family history and she reports "hating life" and having thoughts of harming others. Anyway... I secretely made her another appt. and hope she will agree to consider meds. Mostly I wanted to thank everyone for the support and let everyone know that for today she is home and safe. I can get a little sleep and breathe a bit deeper.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
    Uber Member
     
    #6

    Jul 12, 2008, 03:46 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by 1badchoice
    We had to go to police dept as I listed her as a runaway to let them know she is okay. I tried to tell her before we went back to act contrite........maybe even a bit sorry. She did not and the officer filed charges of being unruly. When we got to the car she was bawling like a baby.
    We going to the police was a very good move.
    Something as little as the police charging her for unruly conduct is good to because now she may realize there are consequences to the simplest actions.
    You still need to make her sit down and talk and have her participate in making some house rules she needs to follow. Like maybe agree to something like if she is considerate and lets you know where she goes and doesn't run away you will take her out for a nice mother daughter day once a month or something.
    BlackDahlia3's Avatar
    BlackDahlia3 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #7

    Dec 28, 2009, 12:07 AM
    Well, this is my first time actually going through this. My 14 yr old daughter ran away on dec.23rd. I finally spoke to her today. Was happy to hear from her. She won't tell me where she is. She tells me she doesn't want to live wit me no more. She doesn't feel she should be disciplined for the things she's been doing. She had a lot of freedom. I took it away from her because she been late for school since school started. Her report card was a 1.7 avg. never had grades like that. She speaks wit a poisoned togue. She feels I don't love her or listen enough. She feels that I don't defend her. That was part of the reason she ranaway. She doesn't feel she should be disciplined.the police is now involved. I want my child to come home. I'm afraid things will happen. She use to be a sweet girl. But lately she has gotten out if control. I want to teach her a lessen for running away. Any feed back would be helpful.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

Is my child a pathological liar? And how do I deal with it? [ 4 Answers ]

I have been having problems with my child since she was 2, due to some unfortunate events at that time. However, she has had a pattern of behaviour since then and as she has got older (now early teens), she is getting even worse. I am worried that this constant behaviour is actually now affecting...

How do I deal with my husband having a child with another woman [ 3 Answers ]

How do I deal with my husband having a child with another woman?

Runaway child is now 18 [ 7 Answers ]

Hello, My son just turn 18 and decided to runaway from the house and move back with his mom in NY, I live in Hawaii... He dropped out of school and borded a plane without my authorization... I know his mom is going to try to seek child support for him. He is currently in his last year of...

Step-parenting a defiant child? [ 5 Answers ]

I'm getting married soon and I and my fiancé are in our early twenties. He has a 3yr old daughter who is the result of a "one-night-stand" in high school. :o I was lucky enough to meet her when she wasn't even two yet, so she really has no memories without me in her life; of that I am thankful....

How do you calmy deal with difficult child? [ 7 Answers ]

Okay I don't want to come off as a bad mother who doesn't care about her child, because I would give up my life for him. It is just that sometimes he is so difficult. He is only two and doesn't understand many things, but he won't listen to a word I say. I put him in time out and he just gets right...


View more questions Search