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Daughter-in-laws that have never wanted anything to do with sons family
Asked Nov 11, 2011, 10:26 AM
I find a lot of things on the internet about mother-in-laws but hardly anything about daughter-in-laws.
I have known my sons wife since they were in high school, we are talking around 17 years. To make a long story shorter, she was always pleasant when she was around our family. I will make one point first thing that I have NEVER had any words with her. They were married in July of 2004 and in 2005 they bought a house only 1 1/2 miles from me. My son inherited $50,000 from my parents and around $30,000 from his father. My dad and my children's dad passed away 2 months from the exact day. My now daughter-in-law had a house in Kansas City, MO and for a long time our family never knew where he lived. My daughter-in-law's name is Marianne. My kids dad was sick for over 10 years before he passed in Dec. 2005. My father had a house only 8 miles from me and it was all I could do to take care of him when my mother passed in 1999. Not one time did my daughter who was taking care of her dad ever get an offer to help on anything. My ex and I had remained close since we had 3 children. Sometimes when my son would go over to my ex's house to put his trash out once a week, Marianne would sit in the car. I would even have to tell my son, would you please go see your grandpa once in a while, Brian would go once in awhile but Marianne never went to see my father. My father was 95 1/2 when he passed in 2006.
Since Marianne and Brian have lived in their new house since 2005, my family have never been invited one time. All of Marianne's family have been there for dinner on different occasions, even an ex boyfriend and his wife were invited over to dinner.
I have said things to my son, but never to Marianne on how I felt. They have gone to Sunday dinner numerous times at Marianne's moms and when I said something to my son about coming to my house on Sunday, he told me "if you had dinner, we would come out." I am not your normal woman as I am single, have almost 2 acres, I overhaul my tractors, landscape, trim trees, paint, carpentry, make crafts and just keeping up my property is overwhelming at times. I have lived here 27 years, am 65 and still going strong.
Because I have expressed my feelings to my son on Marianne never coming out when he has come I am now estranged from my son. I have brought up before that Marianne's sister did the same thing to her husbands family. Her sister didn't want anything to do with her husbands family and they have not seen the 3 sons in years. Marianne's step-dad has lost to the most part his 4 children when Marianne's mom and her 3 daughters came into the picture around 14 years ago. When my children's father was dying, Marianne's mother and her two sisters showed up at the hospital all outside the door. When he was in intensive care it was husband and boyfriend laughing, loud talk and my other two children were livid. My daughter had to go to the nurse and ask that they be kept away. At the funeral the minister all of a sudden said that Hal's (kids dads name)good friend wanted to speak and I saw my other two children and daughters husbands family turn and look at each other. We were ALL shocked at Marianne's family taking over when they were not close friends or even helped in 10 years of Hal being sick.
Marianne and Brian had a baby on Aug. 30, 2010. I took food over went to see my grandson several times a week and my son did bring the baby out on a weekend but Marianne never came over from the time the baby was born until Christmas 2010. From the time I finally confronted my son in April of 2011 they had only been to my house once and that was in Feb. 2011 for my birthday and that was an hour stay. They have never invited our family out to eat and the only time they have gone out to eat with our family was when my daughter initiated it. I have tried to tell my son that I have just wanted to be equal and not be left out. Everything has been about Marianne's family and their friends. Right now I have lost my son because I have told him how I feel plus I don't even know this grandchild. Everything has changed between my son and I since he has become a father. Remember I have ONLY said something to him in 17 years and have NEVER had words with my daughter-in-law. I have been a phony and so has my daughter and other son. The reason I'm so up in the air about all this now is because if something happens to me I'm not leaving my son anything. I'm not the only one that has this problem, both neighbors on each side of me have the same kind of problem and also with a few of my friends. You lose a son because the wife is in control but it is always blamed on the mother-in-law. There are so many other things that I would be sitting on the computer for a year. I would appreciate any response if someone else is going through this. I am a good person and don't go around hurting someone's feelings.
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Nov 11, 2011, 11:33 AM
From what you have shared, I'm not seeing your daughter-in-law as the problem. Your son is. He has chosen to be with a person who wants to alienate his family. He is okay with that and clearly his behavior is telling her that it is okay too. You daughter in law is not your child. She doesn't love you or have a connection to you in the same way that your son does. She may now know that this affects you because she has never heard it from you. I think that she is being thoughtless, but the bigger issue here is him. He KNOWS how you feel and has made the choice to leave his family in spite of it. I'm sorry for the hurt that you and your family are going through, but he has to be the one to fix that.
Now, if it were me, I would ask her to lunch, or maybe call or send a letter. Let her know the things that you would like to see happen, and that you would like to be a bigger part of their lives. (From what you said, your son knows this already and has done nothing to change it). Start small, ie: can we visit on Sundays, can we have family dinners once a month? Don't accuse, and don't even share how hurt you are. She may not know what you have been telling your son. The story she is hearing from him may be very different than the story you told. She may try to work with you, she may blow up, or she may ignore you, but at least you will know that you have done your best to reach out to them in kindness and love. It may be all of the closure you ever get from this.
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Nov 11, 2011, 11:35 AM
Why have you never asked her ? Went over sat down and be blunt and ask. Cant really get worst
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Nov 11, 2011, 12:41 PM
I have a couple of thoughts.
I've worked in the legal community for a long time and have seen "revenge Wills" on many occasions. Those are the Wills when someone is "punished" by not inheriting. I also note that this question contains inheritance details, including dollar amounts. How important is money in this problem?
I agree with FrChuck - if you want to know what/how Marianne is thinking, ask her. Maybe this would have been solved if you would have asked her a long time ago, maybe not. Now may be your last chance.
If anyone has anything to say to me I appreciate that they say it directly to me - not to my husband, not to other family members. Maybe that's how Marianne thinks/feels. For that matter I don't know how famiiy, friends and neighbors know they have the same problem.
As far as you desire to be "equal" with her mother (if that's what you are saying), that isn't going to happen. Her mother will always be her mother and you will always be her mother-in-law. That's two different categories.
If Marianne was pleasant to be around and attended events and suddenly her behavior changed, I'd ask HER why. If you were very critical of her, yes, I'd expect your son to take her side of things, no matter how painful that is to you.
Your son said if you would make dinner he and Marianne would "come out." Did you ever invite them on a specific date and time for dinner or was it more an open invitation?
I think there is far more to this than you have posted. Perhaps your son has been borderline estranged. I don't know. Maybe Marianne is an unsociable witch who enjoys alienating her husband from his family.
Again - ask her. And if you are discussing her, him, their relationship or anyone else who will listen or has an interest, I'd stop doing that. What you say has a way of getting back to the other person - and maybe this is what happened.
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