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    clt813's Avatar
    clt813 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    May 14, 2008, 09:44 AM
    Daughter has never known her biolgical father for 11 years know he wants back!
    :confused: I have been in so much emotinal pain the last few weeks and need outsdie opions on how to handle my very hard situation!

    When I was 15 I'm became pregnant with my then 15 year old boyfriend because of what happened I was not allowed to see hime very much and things were proably not handled well by my parents but basically my boyfriend stopped coming around slowly till one day he moved out of state, I then moved on and meet a wonderful man whne my daughter was 5months we got togther and he took the responsbiltys that my ex couldn't,

    When she was 2 I felt no sense of clousure and felt he should be in her life I get in contact with him, and he tells me he's sorry and that he is still in love with me but I tieel hime I'm on love with my new boyfriend, so he sees her a few time and then takes off again when I ask his mother why he stopped coming to se eher she tells me that its to hard to se eme with another man cause he to inlobe with me and he never comes and see her again,

    So I nover tell me daughter of him my husband that I have been with for 10 years now has always bee and her father and has a great relatioonship ,

    Here's my problem her bilogical father is back he has mde contact with me and want to be in her life some how and has told me all his reasons for not being around and know eh can't take away the pain and there is not real excuse for leaving and regrets very much and doe not want to miss any more time:

    Now how do I handle this I've never tolds my duaghter of him cause I never thaught he would be back my hubby is very upset cause he been rasing her for 1o years and does not want to lose her every one I talk ot outside my family says she needs to know? But my family say screw him?

    My question is now how much damage have a done by not ever telling her? Should I tell her now or will there be too much damage my mother say to not tell her and ohwell for him,
    But inmy heart I'm afraid of her finding out someother way or when she older and hating me for not telling her he tried to get in contact with her?

    I don't want my life to get turned upsdie down and for my childrem to thin different of me and I don't want to hurt my husband, I really have no idea what to do but some part of me say its not wright to keep him form her and to continue to lie!
    Any help please would be greatly apriecaited!

    Thank you
    thepurpose's Avatar
    thepurpose Posts: 21, Reputation: 4
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    #2

    May 14, 2008, 11:32 PM
    Hello CLT,
    My brief story and laslty my 2 cents.

    I was in a similar situation. I got my girlfriend pregnant when I was 17 turning 18, although it would be years before I found out. I found out when I was in the military and got a child support package 2 inches thick. I freaked out and got the DNA test on leave. Soon my check was reduced to about 900 per month.

    I made contact and began talking to my daughter. It was very cool and she was very intelligent and nice, I heard me in her voice. When I got out her mom (who was smoking meth got custody) decided that she wanted to make her boyfriend the dad and bum rap me, lie to my daughter and feed this guy with the knight in shining armour role and straight lies. His ego was swole up and he was now obligated to act on it. He would block my calls to her, talk junk, say sexual things in the background in front of my kid so I could hear it ( to drive me crazy from a distance), and I could not afford a lawyer--- I could barely afford to eat out after the military with no real world skills.

    The last call was about 5 years ago. I asked to talk to my daughter and she in a very antagonizing voice said to my girl, "oh it's your father". My kid said she didn't want to talk to me; a week before everything was cool. This was the result of making her feel embarrassed for talking to me and projecting a false image of me. Since then I have lived in hell trying to get work, get school done, keep my mind together. Many times I did not have the mental or emotional energy to go on. I got ripped off along the way, was homeless, fished in Alaska on a ship that sunk, went to engineering school and so on.

    To top it off I have no family. They were very horrible. So I came from nothing and because of determination, I almost have a bachelors in engineering, found an insane job, understand more than 3 languages, play many musical instruments, well read, well traveled, BUT! Any success will always be limited. If I get a raise because of hard hard work and determination, she will get more of my check and escalate the vicious game. At this point I have a medical condition that could stop me from working.

    My advice is that one day she will find out. The later you wait the angrier and more betrayed she will feel. She will know one day whether she finds out or he finds her. If possible a good first step is to arrange some re-unification counseling to introduce her. One day you all could possibly get along and move forward. /// I lived with my dad for 13 years. He beat me senseless, didn't feed us and stuck me in a room all day and all night. To this day I never knew and will never know his thoughts, his feelings, in fact I know nothing at all about him; it was rumored and seemed that he was a homosexual. My emotional void has grown deeper and deeper the longer life continues. The void concerning my daughter is absolutely the worst feeling in the entire universe and I can only assume the same for her.

    You only have one life to do the right things. Any decision you make will affect your child and her father, and you. Remember the word love. Love means many things. In Greek I believe there are 7 different words for love. Agape is God's love or unconditional love. If I truly love someone I am not concerned about how much they will give me or the benefit of their love, but that because I truly love them, I only desire to make them happy; to make there existence as beautiful and inspiring as possible.

    I wish you luck in your decisions and may God bless your path.
    Kati-Katt's Avatar
    Kati-Katt Posts: 77, Reputation: -2
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    #3

    May 14, 2008, 11:50 PM
    Wow that's really hard to handle, wow a lot on your plate. You probably woulden't want advice from a 14 year old but I'll give my best shot. If I were you I'd tell your daughter, your neighbours are right. If you don't tell her she will find out when he comes by next and then she'll never be able o forgive you for leaving out one of the biggest things that should have been in her life, her father. She might have your husband right now that that's not her real father. Picture it like this, how would you feel if you only knew one dad and then another guy comes into the picture and you find out he is your real dad.. how would you feel towards your mother? It might be akward after a while but once he gets into her teen years if she hasn't already then she's goignt to want to be in contact with her biological dad. And also imagine how your ex husband feels... he lost you and now after hurting for so long by you leaving him he doesen't even get to see is own kid, the one that resembles you and him. The daughter will love it too cause she'll get spoiled rotten because of being an only child on her dads side. But it might hurt but your husband is going to have to back off for a while, at least when the dad comes around... because well it will be constant competition between the two men as long as they are both winning the girls heart over. And the father needs time to heal what was broken... unless the daughter doesen't want to do so. You have to remember to include the daughters opinion in almost everything because if she gets left out she'll feel hurt. And she needs her real dad, I mean.. I can't imagine going through life not knowing my actual father... that would be hard to live with.. I mean not knowing where you came from or your backgrounds.
    Kati-Katt's Avatar
    Kati-Katt Posts: 77, Reputation: -2
    Junior Member
     
    #4

    May 14, 2008, 11:51 PM
    Remember also it's going to be very painful... it's never easy...
    I hope things work out. :)

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