Daughter has never known her biolgical father for 11 years know he wants back!

Hello CLT,
My brief story and laslty my 2 cents.

I was in a similar situation. I got my girlfriend pregnant when I was 17 turning 18, although it would be years before I found out. I found out when I was in the military and got a child support package 2 inches thick. I freaked out and got the DNA test on leave. Soon my check was reduced to about 900 per month.

I made contact and began talking to my daughter. It was very cool and she was very intelligent and nice, I heard me in her voice. When I got out her mom (who was smoking meth got custody) decided that she wanted to make her boyfriend the dad and bum rap me, lie to my daughter and feed this guy with the knight in shining armour role and straight lies. His ego was swole up and he was now obligated to act on it. He would block my calls to her, talk junk, say sexual things in the background in front of my kid so I could hear it ( to drive me crazy from a distance), and I could not afford a lawyer--- I could barely afford to eat out after the military with no real world skills.

The last call was about 5 years ago. I asked to talk to my daughter and she in a very antagonizing voice said to my girl, "oh it's your father". My kid said she didn't want to talk to me; a week before everything was cool. This was the result of making her feel embarrassed for talking to me and projecting a false image of me. Since then I have lived in hell trying to get work, get school done, keep my mind together. Many times I did not have the mental or emotional energy to go on. I got ripped off along the way, was homeless, fished in Alaska on a ship that sunk, went to engineering school and so on.

To top it off I have no family. They were very horrible. So I came from nothing and because of determination, I almost have a bachelors in engineering, found an insane job, understand more than 3 languages, play many musical instruments, well read, well traveled, BUT! Any success will always be limited. If I get a raise because of hard hard work and determination, she will get more of my check and escalate the vicious game. At this point I have a medical condition that could stop me from working.

My advice is that one day she will find out. The later you wait the angrier and more betrayed she will feel. She will know one day whether she finds out or he finds her. If possible a good first step is to arrange some re-unification counseling to introduce her. One day you all could possibly get along and move forward. /// I lived with my dad for 13 years. He beat me senseless, didn't feed us and stuck me in a room all day and all night. To this day I never knew and will never know his thoughts, his feelings, in fact I know nothing at all about him; it was rumored and seemed that he was a homosexual. My emotional void has grown deeper and deeper the longer life continues. The void concerning my daughter is absolutely the worst feeling in the entire universe and I can only assume the same for her.

You only have one life to do the right things. Any decision you make will affect your child and her father, and you. Remember the word love. Love means many things. In Greek I believe there are 7 different words for love. Agape is God's love or unconditional love. If I truly love someone I am not concerned about how much they will give me or the benefit of their love, but that because I truly love them, I only desire to make them happy; to make there existence as beautiful and inspiring as possible.

I wish you luck in your decisions and may God bless your path.

Wow that's really hard to handle, wow a lot on your plate. You probably woulden't want advice from a 14 year old but I'll give my best shot. If I were you I'd tell your daughter, your neighbours are right. If you don't tell her she will find out when he comes by next and then she'll never be able o forgive you for leaving out one of the biggest things that should have been in her life, her father. She might have your husband right now that that's not her real father. Picture it like this, how would you feel if you only knew one dad and then another guy comes into the picture and you find out he is your real dad..how would you feel towards your mother? It might be akward after a while but once he gets into her teen years if she hasn't already then she's goignt to want to be in contact with her biological dad. And also imagine how your ex husband feels...he lost you and now after hurting for so long by you leaving him he doesen't even get to see is own kid, the one that resembles you and him. The daughter will love it too cause she'll get spoiled rotten because of being an only child on her dads side. But it might hurt but your husband is going to have to back off for a while, at least when the dad comes around...because well it will be constant competition between the two men as long as they are both winning the girls heart over. And the father needs time to heal what was broken... Unless the daughter doesen't want to do so. You have to remember to include the daughters opinion in almost everything because if she gets left out she'll feel hurt. And she needs her real dad, I mean..I can't imagine going through life not knowing my actual father...that would be hard to live with..I mean not knowing where you came from or your backgrounds.

Remember also it's going to be very painful...it's never easy...
I hope things work out.