i need some help. i really cant take it with my 20 yr old any more. she use to be a loving person who would do anything for anyone. She was curteous, loving, friendly, and outgoing. she is in college and wants to be a child and youth worker so that she can help Kids, great right?

right now i think she needs a worker more than anyone. He is the story and maybe someone can give me some clear insight. Her first boyfreind was abuseive and ended up in jail because he held her at gun point and raped her. he went on to do the same to others in the school until my daughter go enough strength up to tell all.

she met a few other dwebs and they did not last long. she met another guy a few years ago that we all fell head over heels for despite his first apperances. We made him a part of our family and even after they broke up (my daughter needed a change) he is still a part of our family unit. sometimes i wish they would get back together. They fought alot but then that is her, she fights, and fights, and fights.....

she went out with a guy whom we thought was okay after the beakup with the good one. he seemed like an angel but under the angel lay a pysco again, we had to have a Judge put a restraining owner on him without it even going to court he was that dangerous. lets put it this way, he knew we were going to get a restraining order on him and he went to her school asking her youth worker there which court she went too because he was looking for her. we got the call while we were with the judge.

she found another guy after that, this one is a so called cheerleader who wants to be a coach. he asked her to marry him one week after meeting her. it has been hell and he is showing more signs of abuse than any one ever has.
she is becoming more and more mouthy with us, she doesnt care about anything except arguing with anyone and everyone and doesnt loosing her patience even with her neice. anyideas on what to do

nanajo1

anyone?
please, help,
i dont want to throw her out, i adore her, i hate him and have given him his last warning tonight. right now he is not here and she is sitting on the couch acros the room from me joking around and watching our favorite wednesday night show.

if he were to walk in right now, she would be screaming at me if i so much as said one thing or asked even one question

Wondergirl

She's 20 years old and, by law, an adult. The more you try to control her, the more she will push you away, argue, scream, etc.

She lives with you? (I'm assuming she does.) If so, why? What are the rules--she helps around the house, does chores, picks up after herself in return for a roof over her head and a bed to sleep in and food to eat? Does she have a curfew? Has anyone ever talked with her about valuing herself? about goals for the future? about what to look for in a guy? Maybe it's time you and she meet with a counselor for a few weeks--to work on your relationship. Then she can continue alone with the counselor to work on her life.

Tootruetooblue

I would have a totally non-confrontational lunch with her outside of the home - treat her to the lunch. Tell her, "I know you have had a tough time, trusting in people who end up treating you so badly. I don't think I've known how to help you, and probably have added to your frustration in my efforts but I hope you know I love you and just want to see you happy. I want to understand. Can you help me?" This way, you aren't passing more judgements. YOu need to show a lot of restraint. If she blames you for things or whatever, just absorb it - don't defend yourself or argue back, just let her unload and feel heard. If you aren't sure you agree, you can just tell her you want time to think about everything because you haven't considered this point of view before and you don't want to get all defensive and argue, you want to understand and help.

She may blame you for her problems, not because she thinks it's your fault but rather because she's hurting, and you are her soft place to fall.

Consider seeing if you can work out some house rules so she can stay. Make one of them that she cannot be in a relationship with anyone who does not treat her with respect while she is living in your home.

You should stop the friendship with her old boyfriend. He could be a saint, but if your daughter doesn't want to be with him, your loyalty needs to be to her.

See if you can help her get some counseling to figure out why she choses abusive men. Have you been in abusive relationships yourself? It tends to be generational. If you have, perhaps family counseling would help you both in your relationships with each other, and with men.

nanajo1

the ex boyfriend is not the one abusing her toot. he is one of her best support systems. when she is in trouble he is there before anyone else. i really do not know what to do though with this other jerk.
he has a negative impact on her, we have tried getting councelling for her numerous times. her councillor at college said that she is suffering from battered woman syndrome. they are working on it with her. wondergirl we have her working part time within our family company and during that time she is fine. when she is asked to do anything to help arouind the house however we have a fight on our hands if the boyfriend is here. (current boyfriend). he was not here all day yesterday and my daughter was a joy to be with. This morning she was fine until the boyfriend came. then she became dramatic, when asked to do something, crying at the drop of a pin and all out being a brat. i gave her a ultimatium today that if things dont change, she will have to move. within an hr she was fine because she asked him to leave.