I would like some opinions on my situation and what I should do. The father of my daughter has never seen her, nor expressed any desire to do so. There was a paternity question but after the other person was excluded there was no doubt. He was informed and I offered every possible way to get this settled ourselves and not have to involve the courts. I currently have a case with DCSE, but I haven't heard anything in months. She has no clue who he is or anything like that. After he was informed he changed his number and refused to talk to me. The only way I know anything about what is going on in his household is because his wife talks to me via Yahoo Messenger. I want him to take responsibility for his daughter and pay child support to help us out, but I don't necessarily think he should be involved in her life. He has been prone to violence and his wife has told me he had child porn sites on his computer when she met him, but then I think, well then why did she marry him and have his child. She claims he never spends any time with the daughter living in his own house. He certainly hasn't shown any interest in the child he helped to create before they ever even met. I need some advice, legal and otherwise, as to what I should do. Should I go after child support and if so does that mean he gets visitation? Will it be supervised or unsupervised, considering she doesn't know him from a stranger on the street? Or do I just drop the whole thing and keep him from getting the chance to hurt my daughter?

s_cianci

Isn't this sort of wanting your cake and eat it, too?
Good question. Another good question is why did you have his child?
Your daughter is entitled to financial support from both parents. He'll get visitation if he wants it. Given the circumstances, it'd probably be supervised at first, then gradually weaned down to unsupervised. As a side note, I don't think you gossiping with his wife is a good idea. Their family life is really none of your business and she should have more loyalty to her husband than to bad mouth him to someone who may be suing him for 18 years worth of child support. It's kind of a wonder she even speaks to you at all, let alone disparagingly about her own husband.

melissaj_murphy04

I had my daughter, because I loved her from the second I found out I was pregnant. It's called being a mother and just because I didn't get the father for her I wanted, shouldn't be the deciding factor of me not having her. I didn't have HIS child I had MINE. He has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with her and could care less that she is even his flesh and blood. I wonder, do you even have kids? Cause if you do, I don't believe a true mother would ever ask another why they had their child. I do not believe in abortion and I WANTED my child whether he did or not, so I had her and I am raising her. Everybody wants to have their cake and eat it too, it's called human nature. She is entitled to the best life I can provide and he should take responsibility for his child, whether he wants to be a part of it or not, but I am probably not going to make him. Since you want to put your opinion in about his wife, she started talking to me because he is a pathological liar and she wanted to know the truth about the situation. He was feeding her lies making me the bad guy. My child was born long before they ever met and so she knows it would not be right to play some blame game with me, considering he knew she could be his and never said a word to her. I also believe she needed someone to talk to and her so called husband was treating her like dirt. I also believe cutting ties would do me more harm then good, so if she wants to talk then I let her. At least I have a way to get information for things like when my child got sick and had to have surgery. As far as his family life goes, the things that she has told me are absolutely my business. They are in regards to how he treats or better yet abuses the children in his home. I am the mother of his first child, and she is a good mom and wouldn't want to see my daughter befall the same kind of treatment, so she is being a decent human being and letting me know what I am dealing with. I am grateful to her for it. Loyalty in a marriage is a two way street, and if he can't show her respect and loyalty, then why should she be loyal to him. Either way, this question was not about her and him and that is what most of your opinion and answer is based on, so either provide some better advice as to the actual situation at hand, or don't respond at all.

babieface85

I personally would sacrifice the child support for the safety of my child. However, I know how expensive it is to raise a child. You might be wondering if you are really doing what is best for her. Believe be she will thank you later if you put her safety first. The last thing you want is a little girl that is damaged for life because her dad abused her. I can tell you put her first and that is honorable. You may want to look into other ways of getting extra support. I would look into cash assistance and food stamps. Many times a single mother will qualify for this if the father is not paying child support. Good luck

s_cianci

Yes, but keep in mind that, once she applies for public assistance, the state will compel her to pursue the father for child support. In fact, the state might even do it themselves.

macksmom

Child support and visitation are 2 separate issues.

He will need to file with the courts to get visitation....you filing for child support has nothing to do with it.

asking

Legally, this is true. But in his mind, there may be a connection. I think if she files for child support, he will find a way to punish her for doing it. He sounds like bad news and I would not recommend involving him by asking for child support. And I agree that if she files for any kind of public assistance, the state will go after him, with the same result.

I see nothing wrong with communicating with his wife, except for the same problem. If he finds out, he may make trouble either for the wife or the ex girlfriend or both. I think it's nice that the two women support each other to some extent.
Asking

melissaj_murphy04

Thanks to everyone for all your suggestions. I was on TANF and Food Stamps for about 2 years, but now I make too much money for that. I think it is ridiculous that the State expects a single mom to be able to afford all she has to in order to raise her children, and yet they seem to think $1300 gross/month is the cutoff for someone who needs help. So we are struggling but we are making it. I have a wonderful mother who pays my rent and half of my daycare so we can live in a nice, safe place. I do not know what I would do without her. I have decided not to go after Child Support. And you are right, when you receive services from Social Services you have 1 of 2 choices here. Either cooperate fully with Child Support Enforcement or sign a paper claiming good cause. That basically means you fear for the life of your child and/or yourself if they were to contact the father and therefore you do not have to give any information. Without the signature of the mother they cannot go after child support. I have come to believe that God watches out for his children and I believe if I was suppose to be receiving child support something would have changed. The state has a current case open but they have done nothing with it, and he shows no interest in anything to do with this situation. I believe that is God's way of telling me something. While I was stressing about the money situation, we came into some money from an accident that I thought had been settled, and I believe that was God's way of telling me I'm doing the right thing. No matter how selfish it may sound, I will do whatever I have to in order to prevent my daugther from being hurt by father figures the way I was. I had a father who really didn't care that much about me, even though he says he did, his actions spoke louder than his words. I had a stepfather who abused me both physically and emotionally, so I am definitely not going to let that happen to her. As far as the wife goes, there have been many times where her and I were talking and he was sitting right there. He has been cheating on her with his best friends wife for a very long time and he has known since day 1 that we were communicating and he didn't care. So he wouldn't try anything stupid. Again, I want to thank everyone for their advice and support. I wish everyone the very best.

ScottGem

I think you misunderstood what s_cianci was saying here. The question would have been better phrased as; why did you have unprotected sex with such a loser?

That you were happy you became pregnant and love your child is fine. Now I'm reading between the lines here and may be wrong, but it sounds to me like you were looking to have a child and didn't much care with who. If that's the case, then I would forego child support since you got what you wanted and shouldn't burden him with it.

On the other hand, if this was truly something you hadn't planned on, especially if it happened because he insisted on the unprotected sex, then you owe it to your daughter to provide the best home you can. And if you are struggling financially, then you should get him to pony up his fair share. Why should the taxpapyers foot the bill when he ducks his responsibility?

As Macksmom said, support and visitation are different things. If you can prove he's a danger to the child then you can prevent visitation while still getting support.

asking

MelissajMurphy does not have to answer this question, if it's really a question. She as asking what is best for her child now, not what you personally think she should have done on a particular night some while back. Your question doesn't qualify as either advice or constructive criticism; it's punitive.

I believe this black and white depiction of MJM as being either all good and ignorant or cynical, cold, and knowing what she was getting into is unrealistic and irrelevant. What matters now is what's best for the child, not MJM's frame of mind on the day the child was conceived. (You might as well try to decide what to do based on speculations about the father's thoughts on the day he conceived her.) I think MJM is doing a great job of keeping the child's interests front and center.