I remarried a year ago and my daughter has decided she does not want to be a part of my new family. I have not forced her to blend with the family ( My husband has 2 daughters her age) and I was trying to ease into it slowly. I even took a separate vacation just her and my new husband. I have visited her up at her dad's home.
She has recently decided to not speak to me or visit with me anymore. Her Dad and I are not the best of friends. She lives with her Dad in a different state and will not return my calls, emails and text messages. Her father is of no help and won't return my calls. I wonder since she is 16 if I have any legal recourse. Don't know what to do or where to turn. Everyone says to wait it out and keep in contact. But it has been three months.

My husband and I divorced over 10 years ago. We had an agreement drawn that we had split custody 50/50 That we would try to work in cooperation with one another for the children. Five years ago I moved to Alabama my youngest daughter chose to stay in Maryland with her Dad. I would fly her here or fly there to maryland and see her.
About a year ago I found a Man my X husband did not take it well and my daughter who is 16 was upset. We married a year ago and now my daughter refuses to visit or speak to me. She told me to concentrate my focus to my new family. I have tried to talk to her to no avail she won't return my calls or text messages. I have tried to contact her father but he is no help at all. Do I have any legal recourse??? How should i proceed from here. Should I contact a lawyer a mediator???????? I don't know what to do.

Greg thank you it is really hard for me. I am trying to be positive and I send cards and letters. my husband never remarried or even dated . He really wanted me to do the same. he is a contol freak and throws his money at them and buys them anything they aask for. he suceeded in getting my older daughter to not speak to me. he bought her a car paid for her college she is in Medical school. Bought her a house. I kept sending her cards and letters. We finally reconciled and started conversations. I had hope for us she is 23. When he found out he met with her and turned her against me. The calls stopped. I don't even know what he tells them they just don't call. Now he is doing it with my younger daughter. We had a great mother and daughter trip and she returned home and cwent home then ompletely shut down wouldn't call me back. So I am just running a steady course of positive cards letters and emails. I send gifts but don't even know if they get them. Her last response said she would cherish our memories ? That she did not want to intergrate into my new family. My new husband has two girls 16 and 14. Maybe she is jealous of them. I cannot see why since I've made our time together all about her.
So I guess I will just keep in touch stay positive and pray alot.She has a medical condition which we have worked through all these years together several surgeries. John Hopkins is home to us. She has bladder extrophy and has a stoma and has to cath herself every four hours or she will become very ill. He doesn;t even tell me if she is ill or hospitalized.
My heart feels very empty.

justcurious55

put it out there that you love her but don't push her. don't overdue it when you tell her that you love her still either. my mother used to leave these voicemails where she would go on and on sobbing. or write these ridiculuos letters trying to guilt trip me. i'm still not speaking to her, and i probably never will. if she had been able to say "i'm sorry for everything i've put you through. i love you." and then respected my privacy while i worked through my own issues we'd probably still have a relationship.

Wondergirl

Send her cards and short newsy letters. Listen to justcurious in the post above. Be fun and interesting and bubbly and bright and, above all, be loving.

Greg Quinn

That really must be very hard for you...Yeah, stay positive. Its sad to know that her Father is not trying to help mend things between you and her. That being said, I'm not entirely sure why she is upset with you or exactly what your relationship with her father entails with regards to spite, resentment or history. But I went to a parenting after separation course and the first thing they said was never ever bash the other parent in front of your child. Its so common for adults to act so childish and selfish with no human regard to the effects it has on the children they love. Legal recourse, would really be a battle of the parents, a tug of war where the rope breaks but he wins. I could never agree more with any post I've ever read on help desk than the two above. Never send her any inkling of blame or stress, and anything she tells you about her life try to be supportive and keep her confidence. Kids will grow up and accept new family members when they are ready, be patient and you will see she misses you, you're her Mom!

JudyKayTee

At 16 there is probably little you can do, particularly long distance. If you bring an action and she is asked where she prefers to live, she will have 90% of the decision - and it appears that she will say "with my father." I can't imagine the Court will uproot her at this age, send her to another State, away from where she's lived for 5 years and her friends, particularly at 16.

Sounds like she is now uncertain about her place in your new family - and she's "only" 16 so it's probably expected. I think the best you can do is be non-confrontational and continue to keep in touch whether she responds or not.

Sounds heartbreaking but I don't see legal action as the answer.

Perhaps if she would go to counselling with you that would work but, again, I doubt very much you can force the issue and you are in different States.

Just keep loving her, expressing your love, not pushing (I think at 16 the more you push the more she pushes back) and wait for her to turn, say, 18 - or 20.

Fr_Chuck

You could perhaps take your X to court and make him FORCE him to send her to visit, but at 16 I doubt that would do any good except to cause more problems.

George_1950

(Sorry, Judy, it wouldn't let me rate you.) Judy says: "Sounds heartbreaking but I don't see legal action as the answer. Perhaps if she would go to counselling with you that would work but, again, I doubt very much you can force the issue and you are in different States." I agree about counselling in that you need someone good in rebuilding parent/child relationships; and that it is not realistic to ask the legal system to fix someone, as usually all it does is punish. Sometimes it punishes both sides and that is the likely outcome here.

justcurious55

and don't force her into counseling either. if she is willing to go, then it probably will be helpful. but if you force her she will more than likely resent it and if she goes in there resentful it's not going ot do a whole lot of good. the counseling i was forced into was the final straw in my relationship with my parents.

Greg Quinn

QUOTE:: it is really hard for me. I am trying to be positive and I send cards and letters. my husband never remarried or even dated . He really wanted me to do the same. he is a contol freak and throws his money at them and buys them anything they aask for. he suceeded in getting my older daughter to not speak to me. he bought her a car paid for her college she is in Medical school. Bought her a house. I kept sending her cards and letters. We finally reconciled and started conversations. I had hope for us she is 23. When he found out he met with her and turned her against me. The calls stopped. I don't even know what he tells them they just don't call. Now he is doing it with my younger daughter. We had a great mother and daughter trip and she returned home and we went home then completely shut down wouldn't call me back. So I am just running a steady course of positive cards letters and emails. I send gifts but don't even know if they get them. Her last response said she would cherish our memories ? That she did not want to integrate into my new family. My new husband has two girls 16 and 14. Maybe she is jealous of them. I cannot see why since I've made our time together all about her.
So I guess I will just keep in touch stay positive and pray a lot.She has a medical condition which we have worked through all these years together several surgeries. John Hopkins is home to us. She has bladder extrophy and has a stoma and has to cath herself every four hours or she will become very ill. He doesn't even tell me if she is ill or hospitalized.
My heart feels very empty. ::End QUOTE

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I had a best girlfriend who needed a catheter, what a nuisance. You have to realize that in time she will see all for what it is. Controlling immature men always get found out in the end. And in time your girl(s) will see that you had the right to move on with your life. Make sure that later on after the gates open that you find out why your children were so distant. You may find there were some very bad lies about you that they are afraid to confront. I've seen it, and this guy sounds like a martyr (shows a great deal of suffering in order to receive sympathy) with kids. If your 16 yr old doesn't want to talk to you, imagine how she would be with counselling, or mediation. I am thinking about one thing though, If he did this with your older daughter before and then was able to manipulate her again after you reconciled with her. Do you think there are some really bad lies being said? It would be a shame to see you lose more years with another daughter because of some twisted selfish martyred lies. I really wish you the best and I'll keep thinking about it. I hope other people close to your daughter's will see that this is becoming repetitive and someone figures out where the source of the problem roots from really. I don't really know... I'm sitting in the cheap seats for now trying to figure out a problem I see myself possibly in one day.

talaniman

I feel your pain, but hope you can backoff with the legal stuff, and let your daughter deal with her life for now. Just let her know she is loved, and missed, and hopefully, she will see that for herself. Not easy, I know, but for the best in the long run. Keep the door open, and a light on in the kitchen for her. Sorry I can't offer anything better, and I do hope it works out.