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I have a 3 month old and his father and I are not married. He's a great guy, loves his boy and tries to send what he can, when he can. So far it's only been $50 and some clothes, which helps a little, but not much. I haven't applied for child support b/c I know he's having his own problems-he also has another child from a previous relationship that he has to support. i'm trying as hard as i can to make ends meet and make sure we can get by. I'm the sole provider for my son right now, and his father lives 3 states away, so i don't even have the personal support. I guess my question is more of just peoples opinions. What should i do? Get the state to rob him...or just keep scraping by?
Honey, you really need to ask yourself a number of questions because ultimately this is your decision.
If there is a court order in place, will he be able to make the payments?
Does he have a full time job where his paycheck can be garnished?
Will this infuriate the father of your son to the point that he may reject you both?
Can you handle the rejection?
Can you really handle just scraping by?
He does have a full time job, and has told me numerous times that if i need to file for child support he understands. He's even offered to get a second job to help me out. And if it comes down to having to scrape by, well, then i'd have no other choice. We'd make it, it would just be hard. The thing is, and maybe i'm just being too nice, i don't want to put him in a bind or make his life hell either. His ex-wife is remarried and she has sole custody of their son, so he's not having the day in day out responsibilities of raising a child, but he does still have to pay child support. It's just a big mess of different things. It seems like it would be an easy decision, but it's hard for me.
I know. You don't want to force him to do something you were hoping he would just do. It would be easier if he sent you money on a more regular basis. Do you still have feelings for him? Is there any possibility of the two of you getting together permanently down the road? Is that why you are hesitating?
Get court ordered support. It is his responsibility to support his child - no excuses - and that means all his children. If he needs to get a 2nd job to do so, then he should. You need to do this for the baby - the baby comes first.
Get it on the record. Once support is court-ordered, it accrues - and if even he doesn't make payments, he will still owe it.
This is about both of you providing for the child you both created. Use your head, not your emotions.
No i don't have any feelings for him. We're friends, but nothing more. We were never really "romantically" involved. I guess I'm hesitating because i don't want to be a burden on him by asking for money-but at the same time-i don't think it's fair that he wants to be a daddy, but doesn't have to share in the responsibility. It would be nice if he sent something on a regular basis without me always having to ask for it. Whether he just doesn't think about it, or doesn't think i really need it...i don't know. Maybe its also a little pride on my part too. I don't want to need his help-but there's times that i would rather not have to pawn my tv for gas money...
You shouldn't have to be placed in a position to pawn your tv or anything else of yours. That means you really are struggling to make ends meet. Yes, it would be nice if he sent money on a regular basis, but he isn't. I know you don't enjoy having to be placed in the position to keep asking him for money. Why do you think he is only sending money when you ask for it? He may be a nice guy but he is not treating your son fairly. If he is supporting another child through court order, then why shouldn't your child have the same benefit? This is really about your son, not you or the father. Your son needs the best that you can provide for him. And, if that means, filing for child support is the only way to get money on a regular basis, then honey, you really don't have any choice here. If he is enjoying being a Daddy to your son, that is great. But, he isn't making the financial commitment that is needed here. You need help. And, since he doesn't seem to be upset at the thought of you filing for child support, what do you really have to lose? It seems pretty obvious to me that you only having something to gain by this. Does this make sense to you?
yeah...i don't even know why i'm struggling with this. for some reason it just seems like this big deal-when it's really not. i keep getting the same answers from everyone--so i feel dumb for even being bothered by this. all i can say is it's my own dumb pride-and i know i need to get over that, but believe me it's really hard for me, but i've been doing better! i'll talk to him though--see if we can come to an agreement about something.
I do appreciate the responses.
I think it is better that you do something now, then wait until you are really in a financial bind. It really isn't a big deal. He pretty much told you that already. You don't need to find yourself out on the street because your pride got in the way. You are right, you have to get over that. You could speak to him and try to get an agreement, but I kind of already thought you tried talking to him about this already. If he is working steadily, the state will just garnish his check and send you the money. No fuss, no muss.
Have you even applied for any state aid like AFDC, food stamps, medical assitance, daycare asssistance, housing, WIC for your baby? Those programs are out there for people in distress. There is no shame in applying for help. There are agencies such as Community Action, Salvation Army, and local food banks that can give asssistance. This guy was there to create the child. He should be accountable and be paying support. It is not about hurting his feelings or bending your pride - this is for your child. Your child who should not be suffering from want of the basic necessities plus a few nice things. Just like any other baby. Wishing you the best on this. Good luck.
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