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My daughter is 35 years old. Her father and I have been divorced for over 30 years. She has 3 adorable girls, age 11, 9 and 8. She has a nice home, good husband that provides well. She got her LPN when she was 19, and is working on her RN now, along with working part time at a nursing facility. She also has a reumatoid disease which she takes medications for including a steriod. We've NEVER had harsh words until this past Christmas. She had been acting distant and not very friendy for a while, but I chalked it up to her medication and her busy schedule. I went to her house on Christmas and she treated me terribly. I honestly don't feel like I've ever done anything to deserve that. I left her alone for over a month, then e-mailed her (afraid to call her) asking to come over to bring the girls valentines. She said that was fine. When I got to her house, the girls weren't home yet, so I took the opportunity to ask her when we could talk. She started in on me again, saying she wasn't ready to talk to me yet, and there were things that had built up through the years, etc. She yelled at me AGAIN and told me to leave her house. I am so horrified over this behavior, and feel devastated. I have two other grown sons, who haven't treated me like this. I don't understand and don't know what to do. I cry because it hurts. How can I get through this?
Give her the time she is asking for... Her asking you to leave... may have been because there are things she is having a hard time expressing.
Without knowing the history.... it really is in her hands as far as time for her to feel ready... it may be feelings of hurt on her part or who knows... don't pressure her to talk... dont try to deny the past... what ever that is or her feelings.... be available for her at her timeframe...
If she hated you, she would not allow you around the kids... she may have felt pressure when you took that opportunity to force her to speak....
As you've found out, no 2 children are the same.... She is obviously dealing with a lot, and the medical stuff may be something that could be complicating things....
Just be the best Mom you can now... Deal with the past when or if she feels ready.
The only thing I can think of that she would be resentful of may be that I was divorced 3 years ago (not from her father) and remarried shortly after. I didn't ride before I met my husband now, and we have fun doing that. In fact, I have had more "fun" in the last 3 years than I have in a long time. Maybe that's what she's resentful about?
I suppose thats possible. So the Grandkids were calling your X husband Grandpa?
They called him Poppy. We were married for 15 years. He had an affair with a younger woman, whom he is married to now. I left him when I discovered what was going on. He has little communication with my daughter and the kids, has moved out of town and says things are different now.
First I am so sorry for your pain, I can not even imagine it. My heart is heavy right with yours.
There are some things familar to me with your situation. I am one of 5 and had an "interesting" upbringing. Mom, who I love so much, well things were very difficult in the home. I tend not to share what happened as I don't wish people to think badly of my Mom. Parents are humans and make mistakes and struggle with things just like everyone else.
Just briefly, my parents were divorced and Mom was a heavy drinker and abusive. By today's standards she probably would be in a good bit of trouble. But Mom has overcome drinking - and to me that is so amazing.
Two of us have an open and loving relationship with Mom and have forgiven and even forgotten the past. Three struggle and two of the 3 do not speak to her and have similar emotions as your daughter.
This all breaks my Mom's heart. What floored me, is when my Mom spoke to me about it she said she could not understand why my sister did not speak to her, she could see if she beat us or something. OMG I just couldn't beleive that my Mom just does not have those memories at the forefront of her mind.
First, I will say sterroids is a powerful medication and can change your personality and make one aggressive. I'm not saying it is the medicine, but it is known to have that side effect.
Why I shared with you about my Mom (which I don't like doing and she has many beautiful qualities), is becuase maybe there are things in your daughters passed that have injured her that have pained her and she never shared with you.
Please, I am not comparing my Mom to you or even suggesting that you did anything remotely close, please, I am not. What I am saying is that there may be something very painful to your daughter that obviously has escaped you. Or it has nothing to do with you just something your daughter needs to work through.
My advice would be - To get a card - handwrite it - and let your daughter know that you love her, will always love her, that you miss her, and will always be there for her.
I wouldn't put anyting negative in it at all. I would not put " I don't know why you don't talk to me....what have I done? "......I would not do that at all. The reason I say that is it just my fuel her angry and hurt thinking you should know and there you go putting the blame on her. In her mind that is what she may think.
Nothing negative in the note - just let it reflect a mother's love. And then leave it alone.
If you pray, pray for your daughter. If you are not one to pray - then each day just think good thoughts for your daughter.
This has to be one of the biggest heartaches a parent must face. As I said, parents are only human and our bound to trip and fall, not out of not loving us, but just simply because that's what life is all about and parents are just humans trying to do the best for their children.
I will say a quiet one for you that all of this pain disappears and is replaced with a peaceful love.
Keep the faith and hope and know that you are not alone there are sadly many parents in your situation.
I'm not a parent, but I know it's the hardest and most times, most rewarding job there is.
No never give up. For years my one sister would not talk to my Mom and couldn't even be in the same room. And then one day, she realized too, that it was time to forgive and move on.
Never ever give up hope. Just the fact that the love for your daughter is so deep, as it comes through your post, is reason enough to continue to love her and hope that she comes through this and finds a way to open up to you and be a daughter again.
I hope with all my heart that this works out for the both of you. If ever you need to "talk"
we are here and I am here and would be happy to listen.
Hi. I feel for you. I just posted with a similar problem. Doesn't it just seem unfair that after a lifetime of caring for your daughter, she decides she hates you and you're not even sure why? I can't stop crying either. I just keep remembering all the times I nurtured her and her children and how much I love them. My mom died when I was a child and I grew up always wishing I had a mom. I tried to be the best mom in the world. Now my daughter speaks harshly to me and I feel I don't matter to her. In your case, I think, what daughter can live without her mother? Surely there will come a time when she turns to you for love and support. Just wait. Good luck. My heart is with you. KC
Kids have a strange way of rationalizing and coping when they are growing up.
I couldn't believe some of the things my kids said about how they perceived things when they were growing up. With her not telling you the problem it is impossible to do anything about. She is holding the grudge and it isn't going to fix itself, in the meantime you will have to just wait on her.
My kids resented me leaving their father even though they knew it was for the best, I couldn't have a bf or they would hold that against me, they even held it against me that they didn't like the neighborhoods or schools and even the vehicles that I would buy because they always broke down but all I could afford. Then they revised history when they were grown they claimed they did like living at certain places and never said they hated living there and hated that we moved.
Fortunately they never hated me. But point being it can be something so small that you would think it insignificant while it was a mountain to them.
Too often kids feel like they can't tell parents their "faults'' either and she may feel that with you for whatever reason. Like my mom is passive-aggressive and if I tried to tell her her *faults* she would get very indignant and say I am the elder and you are being disrespectful and end up lecturing me like a child.
The only thing I can think that you could possibly do is
ask your sons what they think your strengths, weaknesses and shortcomings were as they grew up. Tell them you just want to look at things objectively from another perspective. Don't even bring your daughter into it.
Or you could think back and try as actually as possible in your mind reliving things but put yourself in your daughters shoes and ask yourself how did she see things when she asked me to do......and I was preoccupied doing...... or whatever you can think of and how she may have seen it or taken it.
The saddest part is that in the meantime it puts your grandkids in the middle since it effects your time with them
.
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