Well now that we're all back home and *somewhat* back to a normal routine, I'm starting to think again about the baby I will be having. I'm due in mid-June, right around Father's Day actually, haha. Anyways, I've been starting to ask (and receive) a lot of baby advice from family and friends. Most of it has been pretty consistent, but the one thing everyone seems to disagree on is picking up babies when they're crying. Both my mother-in-law and my adoptive mom think there are times when you should leave them in the crib to cry. However, my best friend, who has 2 little ones under 5, thinks you should always pick them up no matter what.

I am actually inclined to the idea of letting them cry sometimes, especially as the baby gets older. But my friend says this is bad parenting. Her oldest is almost 4 now, and she went to him every single time he cried... in fact she still does. She co-slept with him until he was 3 and breastfed him until age 2. She still has a lot of difficulty with him not going to bed at a reasonable hour, as he has no set bedtime, and she won't force him to go to bed. Her reasoning is, she doesn't want him to associate going to bed with bad things and negative emotions. She also says that going to a baby everytime they cry makes them feel much more safe and secure than if you let them cry.

Anyways I'm confused about the differences of opinion here. I want to do the best thing for my baby, but at the same time, I'm not really thrilled with the idea of having the baby basically run the whole household for the next 4-5 years or longer, which seems to be what's happened with my friend. She never has time for herself or her husband, ever. Plus as some of you know, my husband is a very busy doctor (and thus not home for long periods during the day), and I now have a 4 and a 6 year old to care for as well.

Fr_Chuck

Does the co slept till they were 3 give you some idea that they are way out in left field on parenting even for the liberal books.

Babies cry if they are hungy, if they are wet and if they want attention ( if they get that attention all the time)

Babies will never sleep alone till they are 20 if you run to them when they cry every time during the middle of the night.

Beleive me, soon you will be able to tell the hungry cry, the wet cry, and the I want you to come spoil me cry.
and very soon in a room filed with babies most likely you can tell yours cry from others crying.

You start them in the bassnet or crib, and have them a set bed time, and stick with it. They will fuss but they will get used to going to bed and most important learn who is the boss.

If you read some of the other posts you will see page after page of people who have children who won't listen, who talk back and won't do what they are told. guess how thier parents most likely did them.

And it won't stop at 5 years, if they are running it at 5 they will be ordering you around and talking back at 10 since you would not have set the rules.

Children need and really want rules. But the parents have to be a solid front agreeing.

Ok, will it drive you nuts the first few nights of crying for what will seem forever, yep, I almost had to handcuff my wife to the bed, but in about 3 or 4 nihgts, baby gone to sleep no problem.

Cgirl

Hi Orange-
I have found in raising my son, that everyone has his/her opinion on how you should raise your child. I have found that you have to do what YOU think is right, allthough you will probably do best with a happy medium between the two views you have shared. Yes, it is ok to let the baby cry, but maybe after the first few months, because I believe you can never spoil an infant under a certain age. Usually a baby from birth to 3 months crys for one of 3 reasons, they are hungry, uncomfortable (from wet diaper or other), or tired. Once they hit a certain age then that is when they will cry for other reasons (usually though not until about 4 months.) As for me, my son cried and I would jump up the first time I heard even a whimper and people in my family kept telling me "you are spoiling him!" but I just ignored them and learned on my own, not to immediatly jump up every time they cry, but most of the time if they need something they will keep on crying, and as a mom, you will eventually be able to tell what kind of cry it is, whether it's a "hungry" cry, a "I'm in pain" cry ect. Just don't let other people's advice decide for you because every baby is different. My son slept through the night at 8 weeks old (which was nice for me because I nursed him) and once in a while I would here him whimper in his sleep and at first I would jump up and make sure he was still breathing, but then I got used to it and would wait it out, to see if he would just go right back to sleep, and most of the time he did. Just know that YOU only will know best for YOUR baby, and you will be surprised at how natural it will feel once you have him/her. Congrats, and hang in there, you will do just fine

jduke44

I agree with Fr Chuck and Cgirl(i couldn't rate Chuck). The way it used to be and my mother will tell you is if you don't let the baby cry you will spoil them. Then my mother-in-law will tell you always give them the love (but that is now that she is a grandmother, of course). Now they say the first 2-3 months you should go to them immediately because it will assure them security of knowing you are there in the beginning. Then after that it is let him cry for 20 min and if they don't stop then it might be a problem. When we had our first son we went to him right away. I thought that would spoil him but it didn't seem to. When our second son came we had to go to him when he cried for bedtime so he wouldn't wake up my oldest. I think that did cause a little problem bc my wife could not get him to go to bed at a specific time. With consistancy and persistence we finally got him on a bedtime routine and he is a year now. I would do what your instincts say. Consistancy with bedtime is the key though. They need structure in ther lives, if he doesn't have that your son might give you problems regardless. We had an excellent pediatrician that would give us advice along the way also. She wan't paranoid about things. You will do great!

orange

Thanks guys, all really good comments and suggestions. What I'm hearing from all of you is, trust my own instincts, and don't worry about letting the child cry sometimes. I'm planning on being very attentive when the baby is young, but once he's an older baby, I want him to have some rules and a schedule. A year old, like you mentioned jduke, sounds reasonable to me. I certainly don't want to be in the situation that my friend is in, with her child being almost 4 and pretty much running the house.

jduke44

I would try to get him in a routine earlier than that. I would say 6 months at least. I wouldn't worry too much if he doesn't abide by the bedtime right away. I forgot to mention, this is only my opinion, I wouldn't advise the sleeping in the same bed thing. I thin nowadays hospitals frown upon that bc of SIDS. I frown upon that bc sleep time may be the only time you and your husband (soon to be) will have anytime together. One things I learned, and I understand I may get flak over this but your husband is your first priority. What I mean by that is that, yes you need to love your children, provide for your children, and care for your children but when they are gone and out of the house, if you and your husband didn't spend time together, you won't know what to do together. I wouldn't take my advice as Gospel, but I would consider it. Any advice that you get I would consider but you wil need to change it as you see fit to your family. Good luck.

orange

Jduke, I totally agree with you about the co-sleeping and husband thing. My friend is a huge proponent of co-sleeping, but her marital relationship has suffered as a result. She actually told her husband to sleep on the couch when the baby was born, because she was worried he was going to roll on the kid in his sleep. He still sleeps on the couch most of the time, even though the child is almost 4, and she has a new baby now too. So she and the youngest sleep in the big bed, and her oldest who's almost 4 sleeps on a mattress in the parent's bedroom. So she never, ever gets a break from the kids. I was bold and asked her how she got pregnant the second time, haha, and she told me that she and her husband had sex while the oldest (3 at the time) was asleep in the same room!!! Ugh.

Anyways as I said my husband is a very busy doctor, spends 12+ hours a day at Emergency in the hospital where he currently works, and in August, he is starting a 5 year residency to become a specialist... so then he will have classes on top of regular doctor work and being on call (if you watch Grey's Anatomy you will have an idea of much he will have to work, and without all the illicit sex and drama, either lol... that part of the show is so fake!). Anyways. So any time we can have together is going to be precious. Plus I want all 3 kids to understand boundaries and privacy... I think the kids need some privacy and alone time away from us, too! We don't need to be in the same room 24/7 to be a happy family.

jduke44

I am really glad you agree about the sleeping bed thing. Rolling over on the baby is the other reason we never got into it. They do have the side beds that you can hook to your bed. That would be another option to sleeping in the bed. I would have never put up with sleeping on the couch. The only time I or my wife have slept on the couch is if we were sick and going to keep the other awake. I never slept on the bed from us having a fight, either. LOL. Whenever, my oldest(now 2) has a bad dream we don't even let him sleep in our bed. We don't want him to get started doing that bc he would get in the habit. Some kids can handle that, and that is perfectly fine once in a while. We do stay with him for awhile until he feels he's ok to sleep on his own. Actually, he always wants us to pray for him. Sometimes it lasts for 15 min sometimes 2 hours (staying in his room that is).

I will have to admit, if it came to having sex with the baby in the room, I would do it. It is a little awkward but depending on the age, the baby doesn't know.

I have seen those shows, mainly ER. I haven't watched the recent ones. Yes they are so fake. I would suggest getting a support group around you. Either a friend or someone you can call to get together with the kids (if they have kids) or even that you can call to vent. Sounds like you are going to be around your kids alot. Don't be afraid to have a babysitter for even just an hour to get away from the kids. You wouldn't be a bad parent for feeling like that. Hopefully your adopted kids can help out a little. I think they may be old enough to start helping with things around the house.

orange

That's really great about your 2 year old. It gives me hope that my baby will not be like my friend's almost 4 year old! Yikes. I agree I don't think I want any of the children in bed with us... as you say it might be okay sometimes but it may easily become a habit too. My newly adopted 4 and 6 year old slept with me during the shiva in Vancouver, but since we've been back they've been sleeping in their own beds with no problem, except for bad dreams, which is understandable. And I don't mind sitting with them in their rooms in the middle of the night. I much prefer that to them being in our bedroom.

I can understand it with a baby, but her child was 3 years old at the time, and he was in the same bed while it happened (sleeping of course)!! She was laughing about it. To me that's a little creepy.

Yeah a support group is a good idea. Actually I'm currently looking for a playgroup and/or a mother's group to join. Alex thinks he's heard of a doctors wives group too, and he's going to ask about it at work. Once my adoptive parents come back to town (May 1), I will likely be hanging out with them quite a bit too. When they're in town, I see them practically every day. I usually spend a good portion of the summer helping them in their large garden. They've already offered to watch Shaina and Levi a couple of times a week, and take them for a few days when the baby is born.

And yeah the children are looking forward to the new baby. They're already asking how they can help, if they can decorate his room, when they can play with him, etc. Shaina is just disappointed that he's going to be a boy. She wants a baby sister instead. I told her maybe next time.

Myth

I co-slept my girls untill they were about six months. My oldest was a premie and the dr. acctually told me it was better for her to be close to me than in her crib all alone. With my second it was just a comfort thing and she is very close to me too and I even think it helped her develop, but after six months I didn't feel that it was safe anymore because they were moving around sooo much by that point. Even when they were infants I didn't run to them at their first cry cause I wanted their little lungs to develop. I almost think that was a mistake now hearing my nine yr olds shreek from two blocks away. Not to say I let them cry more than a couple of mins either. I found that a time or two around three I had to let them cry themselfs out because my ex didn't give them a nap and they were just tooo tired to be consoled. It lasted a top of ten mins in their room with soft music and a little night light. I also learned that what works for one doesn't work for the other. I have no Idea how twins are going to work but hey I guess thats just another lesson that I get to learn now. I'm debating co-sleeping them because more than likely they will be early too. I'm told thats typical with twins. My man works nights so it shouldn't be a problem for space in the bed...lol... Somehow most moms and dads know whats right for their children weither it be to let some behavior slide some of the time or when to pick them up or looking at a child that to others looks positively healthy and knowing that he's coming down with something. There are extremes out there, yes. I personally wont let any of my children run my household and know it... granted they do, but i'm mom and I'm not going to lose the upper hand....lol. Do what you feel is right not what everyone else tells you to do. Just like every pregnancy is different so is every child. Just go with your gut, it's going to tell you more than anyone else possibly can