She's 43 and has not liked being around me for years. She seems to be jelous of me being happy. She likes it when I'm completely helpless, like after surgery she took me into her home. She's married has 4 children and lives an afluent life style. My husband and I visit three times a year. They live 1200 miles away and never leave their home to travel.

She hasn't talked to me by phone for years, she always puts on the kids or her husband gets the phone and she's n the tub, taking a nap or bathing the boys. If she answers she's going out the door, or helping someone. But when I'm there she talks on the phone for hours to her friends.

If it wasn't for the grandchildren I wouln'd bother with the visits or phone calls. What should I do?

moomin007

hi,
the only answer really is to talk to her. It does sound as though there are other 'issues' going on her life:
Is your husband her father? could he talk to her?
Is she happy that you live so far away? or does she resent it?
How old are her kids? Is she feeling un-needed?
How often do you speak with her? does she feel suffocated?
Does she envy the fact you aren't an 'active' parent any more? (she has to deal with the kids/nappies/sickness/tantrums etc!)
Just because someone is affluent, doesn't mean they are happy. ( money cant buy happiness)

explain to her how you feel, that you feel it is affecting your relationship with her. Don't point the finger but just that things seem to be different than they used to. Ask her how she really is. tell her you love her.

It will take courage but if you are this unhappy with the situation, you can do it.

She may well be feeling the same but doesn't know how to approach you either!

Hope this helps
Good luck!

talaniman

Enjoy your life and your grandkids as they are special. As for your daughter, leave her alone. Thats what she wants, give it to her. Whatever her problem is she has to deal with it, not you.

isabelle

I hear more and more of this kind of thing all the time.
I had the same problem and my advice to you is not to try to talk to her. I did and now I am not welcome in their home and I haven't seen my 2 grandkids for about 2 years now. My son is 42 and he says he hates me but will never address the reasons why he hates me.
Just try to ignore the things your daughter does and love your grandkids. At least you are still in her home.

Teaching

It is really sad, however I have seen this and "things are a circle - what you give is what you get", not that you or I wish that on anyone, however one day you will see her kids will do that to her.......it is written.

isabelle

I think you are right however, I don't know if I would wish this on my son. On one side perhaps it would make him remember the hurt he did to me.. on the other hand to have ones child turn against you is the worst hurt imaginable.
I also agree that this seems to be occurring more and more often.

Teaching

I agree "we would never want to wish that lesson on anyone", especially our own child. The truth is that I have seen it happen. The only thing we can teach or try and promote is empathy and hope it helps us all.

tinsign

The only way you will solve whatever the problem of her avoiding you is to talk one on one. Perhaps you could talk to her husband, as to why she is acting like this toward you.

ladyone

As a 47 year old daughter who prefers limited contact with her mother, I thought I might be of some help. So let me tell you about my view of me & my mom. If my mom was to approach me with her concern about my lack of receptiveness to her she would push me further from her. I really can't stand her & yet I love her. I have forgiven her much, which to some would seem like little things, yet there is a control issue between us. It is important for children to separate from their parents & it is also as important for parents to separate from their children. Parents need to let go. My mother sees me as "HER" daughter which I am yet I am a separate person. We are different. I am low energy, low key, and my mother is a powerhouse, yet at the same time I find she steals my energy, leaving me depressed & overwhelmed. It is easier for me to avoid her then to conform to her needs. My mother is not a horrible person, yet she drives me nuts. Is it her fault, is it my fault. Yes both. My suggestion is back off. Call to talk to your grandchildren, call to talk to your son-in-law, enjoy it. Ask them to give her your love. When you do talk to your daughter, ask how she is, listen & don't offer advise or solutions. Offer understanding, not comparison. Say I know. Keep it brief. Don't be afraid of silence. Do not analyze her or yourself to her. Observe (become aware of) your behavior, body language, voice tone. Look at this outside of emotion. It can be done. Relax. Let your daughter be. You want approval, aceptance, you want her to conform to fit your needs. She has her own needs. As long as things seem otherwise okay, accept her need to distant herself. You might not approve. Yet acceptance and approval are not the same thing. Acceptance without approval is called tolerance. Be polite. Don't step over her boundaries. See her differently. She's probably not who you think she is. Shed your preconceived notions about her likes & dislikes & about who she is. Love her anyway. Don't let your hurt make you her pain.
I am going thru this on the flip too, with one of my teen daughters. ? What do I do? Love, Care, Compassion, letting go. . .Trying not to be afraid of being ignored, rejected, put down. Patience, self-dependence, availability "I'm here if you need me." Good luck. As a note pad my mother gave me says "Life is hard. It's not for whimps."

Forgiven

Ladyone, If I didn't know better, I would guess that you are my daughter. Just remember that what you sow is what you reap. It is good to treat people the way you want to be treated.