Sounds pretty awful, and it feels worse. But in the last two years 3 of my 6 adult children have made it clear they want nothing to do with me, and have claimed horrific things I have done to them.

Still sounds pretty clear that I am as accused, right? Well, I wasn't so bad when I cared for their children so they could support themselves after a husband bummed out on her. And I wasn't so awful when one of them wanted us for their babys first christmas. And I wasn't so awful when one of them wanted to go on a trip and needed their baby cared for, nor was I so awful when I was asked to visit repeatedly, to give one of them 'a break'.

And all this time I was feeling like a happy grandma, and my husband was feeling like a happy grandpa. Where were all the awful things we had done in their childhood then? Why is it now being thrown at us like manure on a wall, it never goes away. Nothing we can say, and no discussion accepted.

And now comes Mothers Day. The worst day of my life. I always felt like a poor excuse for a mother, my own mother was 'unattached'. But I tried so hard. And felt we were actually having a good relationship with them when 'wham', it hit like a train.

Other children who are not disowning us, 3 of them. One says, he finds them at fault, and not to listen to them. Another says she doesn't want to take sides. Another has been hurt by them himself, and doesnt want to talk about it.

How do I stop crying? I tried my best. And now three daughters and their 4 children seem to be gone from me/us forever. Can I get a hard shell on my heart and brush it off?

My husband and I cry about it often. He's angry, I am hopelessly and forever crushed.

So, how do I get past the pain?

Lynn

isabelle

My heart goes out to you.
I have a very similar situation here. My adult son ( who always worshiped me along with his wife) moved back home. He started his own business and I helped. I used the resources of my home my retirement and everything I owned. I even worked nights (For free) so they could have a home life ( this was before I had a little girl of my own).
I noticed things going bad after about a year and I didn't know why. It got worse and like you there were many false accusations. For about 2 years I have had no contact with them, except when he comes to my house to show me a new car ect that he has bought. there was no contact and when there was contact they were very mean to me.
Now I never see or hear from any of them.. my grandkids do not know me, and I babysit and did a lot of things for them when they were trying to make it.
Like you, I am confused and hurt.
If it helps I can tell you that you are not alone. Just read some of these past posts. A lot of adult children are turning against there parents without an apparent reason.
BTW my son is now a very wealthy and successful business man, but I am not part of his life.I feel so bad for you and I pray that your children will open up and talk to you and you can work things out. It is a very confusing thing to try to deal with.
Please let me know how things go and I wish you every blessing.

bluerose

lynnirene

Hi and thanks for answering my post.

I have no contact with these daughters anymore. The first one just shut me out a few years ago, giving no explanation. Just simply stopped replying to holiday gifts and phone calls. To this day, we have no information about this one. This one I spent a lot of Amtrak time to give her a 'break' from the baby and a weekend off with her husband. This is my oldest daughter, she is 38 now. Has a well to do husband to take care of her and the children, 2 boys. She wants for nothing. Her husband is very kind and good, but she has a fiery nature and we doubt he will ever go against whatever she says.

The next one lives out of the country. She married in that country and we were there for the wedding. She invited us for the babys first christmas, and took us on a weekend tour of their country. She began to not respond to holiday gifts also, and suddenly began sending me horrendous emails telling me what horrible things we had done to her as a child. I reacted calmly and tried to get a dialogue between us about the issues. She claimed that we took her to a mans house and left her alone with him while he molested her. My God, how would that ever have happened? Yes, we knewe the man, and WE KNEW he was a child molester, why would we leave her alone with him?? My last letter to her was returned unopened. I had writtten to tell her about the condition of a brother who was ill. Last I heard, these two sisters were not speaking to one another. This daughter is 1 yr younger than the first one. This one just turned 36. This one is married to an international attorney and has hired help at home so she goes when she wants and leaves their 1 son with the nanny. Her husband is a good man, thank God, but he doesnt know us that well and will not dispute our daughter.

The last one is my youngest daughter. Her husband became an alcoholic after their marriage and during her pregnancy announced he wanted a divource, later marrying his barmaid, and having another child by her within months of my daughters child. She called and said she was coming back and we were happy to help her. The baby was just months old when she came and since she had to go to work, I was caring for the baby. A few yers later, on her own now, I still cared for the baby while she worked so she wouldn't have to pay a sitter, which she couldn't afford. She began dating and suddenly decided on her late shifts the baby would stay at the other gparents. Later I found out it was all night, and learned the other grandfather was a drug addicted alcoholic, their daughter had a live in boyfriend at the home, and that gma worked during the day. When I discussed this with her she became angry and refused to let the baby stay at night with us. Here she had a crib to sleep in, there she slept in another room in a play pen. My husband did her car maintenance, we helped her move once, and we loved the baby, our only gdaughter, and she loved us. One day she decided my husband had molested the baby, I assured her that didn't happen but told her to have the baby checked by the MD, which of course came back clear. She asked me not to let her dad be alone with the baby while she was here, and I said certainly, anything to assure you she is safe. Later, she tells me it really did happen and I am lying, and that I know about it. In a few months she is remarrying, a good man, thank God. We have never met his parents, and now they will be the new gpa and gma. This daughter is now 27, she will not even discuss this with the sister she is close to.

Yes, I did certainly acknowledge the teenage years as bad. Their dad worked nights and slept days, hard work. They all went kind of wild and I was helpless to contain the mess. Besides that my own mother was so in love with herself she had nothing good to say to me, and I have no doubt that hurt carried over to my self centered kids. On top of it all, it appears that two of the kids, that are still with us, are bipolar, and both their grandmothers are bipolar. I have spent a year with a phd. psycologist who has helped me to understand this. She is worried about the daughter out of the country. I am worried about the fiery 38 yr old daughter.

My husband and I don't speak of it much anymore, it's too painful. We tear up when we see someone else with a grandchild to love. I recently have decided that it is not in my power to change their minds. My husband is furious at being called a child molester. I decided to not try and contact them and let it be their choice, it certainly is anyway.

Now, gpa, my husband does not drink, works at a hard physical job all day, sleeps hard at night (the baby wasn't here anyway). We have 4 daughters and in discussing this they all claimed their dad never touched them. To top all this off, I kept my word. To help my young single mother daughter, working hard and really struggling daughter, my husband and I kept our promise, and the baby was never alone with gpa, on that I can swear to on the bible,to God. Then, she comes up with a charge that gpa did molest and she never wants to see us again.

What the hell is going on? My husband and I have a perfectly normal marriage, neither of us have been molested, or have molested. Now this daughter has moved and we have no idea where she lives, a large city near us, thats all we know. As God is our witness, this baby was never touched by gpa. It is a false accusation. My husband was so stunned he cried for over a month everytime he spoke of it. And how can she think that I am a culprit in something so horrible. She knows how we loved that baby, and how the baby loves us. Now she is starting school in the fall, we may never see her again..

We may never see our daughters again, and our 4 grandchildren. I am overwhelmed with grief. I can only try and send gifts to the little ones and hope they actually are given to them.

I cannot sleep at night, wondering how and why this all went so wrong. What is the cause of this terrible nightmare we're in. I can't discuss it with friends, somebody may assume my husband is guilty, God forgive them. My psychologist can't pinpoint the cause. Although she says that if our relationship were better with the younger daughter, she would have given us an opportunity to discuss it with her, and maybe she would see the truth of it. Other than that, we're just stuck with this pain.

If you have any ideas, any suggestions, anything at all to comment on, please do. I'll hear any ideas, any experience of this kind of problem.

So Sorry this post is so darn long, I guess I just had to spill my guts out here.

Lynn

phillysteakandcheese

I cannot imagine a more hurtful thing for a child to do to a parent than falsely accuse them of sexual abuse.

If your three daughters genuinely believe they were abused, and that you allowed that abuse to occur, you will certianly not be able to convince them otherwise. As painful as it is, I think you are doing the only thing you can:
Within yourself, you have to let go of these three. Know within yourself that you did everything you could to keep them safe and raise them right, but that they are now adults and making thier on way in life.

Accept that it is beyond your control, and beyond your ability to "fix".

bluerose

Lynn,

I'm so sorry. It all sound such a mess. Maybe something did happen maybe it didn't. I don't think you are going to convince them otherwise. I agree with the above post, It is time for you and your husband to settle down and enjoy the time you have together. Once a family is split it is very difficult to get them back together. They are old enough to take care of themselves and their children. I would leave them to get on with it. As for the grandchildren, you could try to get visitation through the court but I can't help feel that that would open up a whole new can of worms. And you and your husband sound like you have had just about as much as you can take. Cut the ties that bind and begin to enrich your own lives together.

lynnirene

Thank you all for the replies, they have been all been helpful. I don't know why, with so many 'self help' books being sold, there seem to be none for this kind of situation. When it is apparent that this is not an isolated situation. I wish I had a crystal ball and could see if I can ever have my children and grandchildren to be with again. It's interesting, my one daughter that has stayed close me to me once said, 'do you think that maybe it's a blessing that they are NOT around you now?" It struck me as profound, but it doesn't ease the hurt. I wish I had that crystal ball. I have to admit, it did seem that sometimes I was allowing them to take advantage of me. And sometimes I wonder if my youngest daughter, with my only granddaughter was irritated with me because her baby behaved more when she was with me. And, perhaps, my oldest daughter became angry when my youngest daughter needed me more? And I gave her more of my time and help? I could never have turned down a mother alone with a small baby, even if it was not my own daughter. I was raised without a father, and I know how traumatic it can be when mom is always gone at work, or 'out' with a friend. It's a terribly lonely spot for a child.

I pray a lot, and I have faith they God is watching over them and us, but there is no break in that dark cloud over us, if I saw some little twinkle of light at the end of this scary tunnel I would have such gratitude.

I surely appreciate the advice you have offered. I am always open to suggestions.

Lynn

RubyPitbull

lynn, you mentioned two of your children have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Is it at all possible that this illness may have affected the others? Is that what you were discussing with your therapist? It may very well be the case. For now, I think praying is the only thing that you can actively do about this situation. It is obvious that this is completely out of your control. The more you force it, the more they will pull away. You need to stop torturing yourself this way. You need to pray for guidance, for their safety, for their health, and for them to come back to you in their own time. Focus your attention on your husband and your other 3 children. I think it is good that you are going for therapy on this issue, if I understand what you have written correctly. It is important to your mental health to have a trained professional help you cope with this. I am so sorry you are in such pain. Find comfort in those who choose to be around you.

bluerose

krystal1973

What is it that they are accusing you of doing in their childhood?