My husband and I have been together for 5 years, each of us coming into the relationship with 2 children. At this point my kids are 15 & 12, and his are 7 & 9. My step daughters live with us and see their mom every weekend. Things can be rough for 2 families to come together like this, but my hubby and I have worked very hard to pull us all together as a family.
My problem is my 9 y/o. She lies about everything, even the stuipd stuff. He favorite thing to tell me is ..."Well dad said.." When dad didnt say. She lies to us, her mom, her friends, our friends, her teachers, everyone. She tries to lie to get out of trouble, you can catch her doing something,, I mean catch her,, and she will say everything she can think of to tell you she wasnt doing it.
This has been going on for nearly 3 years now, slowly getting worse and worse until you cant believe anything that this child says. We have tried several different types of disapline to no avail. From keeping a "Truth chart"(where she marks down each time she could lie but tells the truth and gets rewarded at the end of each week if she doesnt tell any lies) to grounding her for a week with no tv friends phone xbox or music. We have told her the story of the boy who cried wolf and still nothing is working. We even put a dab of tobasco on her tongue, but after a few tries she had aquired a taste for it and now eats it alot.
When we ask her why she lies she says it too hard to quit. Its like she addicted to lying?!?! We have explained to her that she needs to just make the decision in her head that she wont lie.
She is a very good girl aside from the lying problem, we are at a loss as to how to deal with this.

Any ideas?

RickJ

At the risk of seeming to oversimply: Make the consequence for lying one that will get the point across. If she loves TV, lying results in no TV for 3 days. If she loves the mall, no mall for a week...etc.

Old habits are hard to break, but administering consequences in a loving manner will help her break it.

J_9

Rick is right. Sometimes simplicity works better than goals that are hard to achieve at 9 years old.

You must come up with a game plan, stick to it and be consistent. Rule changes will result in confusion to a young gal.

When mine tried lying I would simply ask "Is that the truth? Can I go ask Dad if that is what he said?" And the truth would inevitably come out.

Don't complicate punishments, make them simple and immediate. Rewards should be immediate too, otherwise the child fails to remember exactly what they are being punished or rewarded for.

aqua@home

I know I might get some criticism for this, but we have made the punishment for lying quite severe. We started this from a very young age...we make the kids brush their teeth with just a dab of dish soap. It works great. I have even threatened them with humiliation. I have said if they lie, everyone will know it...I said I would make up a special "LIAR" t-shirt for them to wear. Or I've called them "liar" for a couple of hours. To my kids honesty is very important. They do not lie, they do not want to have the reputation of a liar. They do not even like the idea of the consequences. It might seem harsh, but we don't have any liars. I have had a bit of trouble with my 5 year old, but he has learned ONCE with the soap and he has learned that I will NOT punish him if he tells the truth. He has stopped lying all together.

Seven0h7

Rick, She has gone without all the things she loves, for one week, two weeks. but it doesnt change.. She could be grounded for a week and finally get off grounding and within a few hours has already been caught in a lie.
We have tried all we can think of.
I also forgot to put in my first post that now she is starting to steal things. She has tried to sneak my 15y/o bras out of the house and takes her make up. We just last week caught her stealing money from us. It was only a dollar but its the point of taking without asking..

phillysteakandcheese

Both people and children lie because it works for them. For every lie they are caught in, they've had 15 that got them whatever it is they wanted.

Since your child has been a chronic liar this since she was 6, and is now progressing to stealing, I would consider professional help.

The need to constantly be the center of attention through lies or stealing is a sign of an emotional problem.

kp2171

not sure this will be a quick fix for you...

once, when our young teen had lied and was being mouthy about it... as in "you're grounded"... "i dont care" .... "ok now youre grounded from the phone"... "i dont care".... "now the computer" ..."dont care"... as tears are welling up in her eyes, so shes lying...

her punishment was cleaning the pots and pans, as in scrubbing the copper bottoms, and it had to be done (here are the words she NEVER wanted to hear) "to my satisfaction"

the first night after school and homework immediately after dinner she started scrubbing. she was callous and angry. she scrubbed them all evening until bedtime. very little progress.

the second night she was feeling sorry for herself and quieter.

the third night she was finally remorseful by the time she had to go to bed, knowing that there was a lot more to do, and that it had no end. and when the pots were done, there were other tasks to be found.

she was still grounded for an extra week. we never had to do that punishment again.

the only concern i have is my cousins wife was routinely punished by having to clean. therefore she absolutely hates cleaning now... so its more about finding a menial task that has no end, hopefully something you need done, and making it last.

i also think there needs to be consensus on both sides. i know the mother probably doesnt want to "waste" her time on the weekend punishing her daughter, but if she can be on board too the girl might give in.

J_9

While I do not believe in humiliation on ANY level, I have heard that the soap on a toothbrush can work.

But now she is stealing?

Your family and her Mom need to get on the same page as far as punishment is concerned.

She is obviously an attention seeker. Children want attention, that is a fact, they don't care how they get it, good or bad. It is still attention. Immediate reward for good behavior or immediate punishment for bad has always worked for my kids.

As others have said, this will not be an easy fix. I also agree that counseling may be in order.

Seven0h7

We have actually tried to discuss diciplinary actions and basic parenting with the Mom. Mom has tried to (so she says) but she also says she feels bad diciplining her because she doesent see them as much. So really no matter what we discuss with the Mom, its not up to us how she deals with the girls. unfortunately.
I think the counciling idea is a good idea and had mentioned it too my 9y/o before. Suggesting that maybe a counciler would be able to help her find new ways to try to stop. But another unfortunate event is that a while back child services became involved with the girls and their mom and CS pulled her out of school and scared the crap out of her with all their questions. And funny because nothing ever came of the SC report. Now she refuses to speak to anyone "like that", even though we assure her that a therapist is not the same as a CS worker.
I know a good therapist,, I will see if I can get her to see my daughter, like it or not.
I appreciate all the responses and still want any other ideas because its completely out of hand. Thanks all

J_9

I can certainly understand your dilemma... But the problem will most likely never be solved if mom is not on the same page and you and Dad.

One thing you could mention to your daughter about the counseling is that they will not be asking her questions or grilling her, so to speak. The counselor is there for her to talk to. Just one on one. Just talk about stuff. Nothing she says is wrong and nothing she says will get her or anyone else in trouble.

She is probably afraid now that either she or someone she loves will get in trouble if she talks about them, and that is not the case with professional counseling.