I've had it. I'm ready to send my 7 year old to boot camp or the freakin Jerry Springer show. She is always stealing things from me and everyone else and lying all the time. I do not trust her. I tried to give her a chance on the trust thing and she failed. She takes things from her class mates at school as well. I have to follow her into every room that she goes into including the bathroom because the minute my back is turned she is stealing something or teasing her little sister. I cant leave her alone in a room by herself for 1 second. Not even her own room as she tears the curtains down or damages the furniture. She enjoys being misbehaved too because she gets this smirk kind of "haha" look on her face when she gets caught. And before anyone starts jumping down my throat about parenting skills, I have done everything I know to do. Ive disciplined, Ive taken her to counseling, Ive taken parenting classes. Everything. She has faced consequences for her actions and still does not seem to have grasped cause and effect. I don't know what else to do.

vlee

Any improvement is a step n the right direction.... Please just remember, it took tme for your daughter to learn that bad behavior gave her attention, it is equally as important now that good behavior gives her lots of praise and attention, and bad behavior should get a minimal reaction along with a regular punishment. I am thrilled you have made progress! Kepp up the good work! We all support you!

chippers

I wish I could hug you. You've undergone sooo much and managed to put your child first regardless of your own pain. I commend you for that' as for affordable councellling, you can call your state mental health department and get a list of child councellors based on your ability to pay. plus as the others have stated. you can get her tested at school. its your right as a parent to do so. part of her outbursts could be due to a learning disability. her way of dealing with it is to cover it up with disrupptive behavior.
as for the lying to you, she doenst want to be taken away from you. lying protects from that. think like a 7 year old. If mommy knows I did something wrong she'll send me away.
If she werent afraid, she would tell you out right hoping to be sent back to her grand parents. youre right putting your foot done and telling her she has rules to follow.

My son, I love very dearly, as a form of autism where he has trouble controlling his emotions. be cause the school system did't know what to do with him, winged it. he went from the school he was comfortable in to a different school. he too acted out almost daily. he even threatened to hurt his private aide who kept getting inot his face. I took him a while to tell us he was acting out so he would be sent back to his ohter school. once he found out that wasn't going to happen, life became more easier for him.

from experience , you can't give into her. once you do that, you've sunk you boat.
It's gonna take everyone involved to to accept this change and jerry springer won't help. Maybe Dr. Phil, but not that bozo.
You're gonna want to give into everything she wants. youre gonna filt guilty over what happened to her but you know what, you've already won. you have your children back. you fought so hard and looked for so long and you've won. that alone should make you sleep better at night.
also I would becareful with leting her visit the grand parents. I doubt very much that they beleive their son did nwhat he was accused of for and arrested. there could be a chance he did something to her. hearing them say that, she might not be able to talk about it and suppress it if she thinks she'll be thought of as a liar.

talaniman

Sorry I was trying to disagree, as I see it this child needs time and a lot of love as she get used to a new environment and the people in it. After she adjusts she will be okay I think, until then patients and love and a firm discipline are the tools to use.

chippers

how much time is too much time for a child whose been kidnapped by her father and possibly abused herself. after all the guy(monster) was arrested for molesting his girlfriends child. it doesn't take much to go from one kid to another. she needs as much time as she needs to feel safe and secure in her mothers home. the out bursts and defiance is her way of testing her mom. and BEATING it out of her will only reinforce her fears.

nmwirez

Chippers,
You have given the best advice of all, not to take away other responders good advice, and I back that up with experience of being in a boys school for 10 years. Prudent discipline with honesty is the only way to a child's well-being perceived in their own heart. nm

chippers

I am sooooooo sorry for all the typoes. I get so passionate whena child is in pain I didn't prrof read my blog. I hope my messege was clear anyway.
much love and my best for you and your child.

misslala

I think that there have been so many good posts to your dilemma that I don't really have anything to say except keep loving your daughter with your whole heart, and it will be worth it in the end. She obviously loves you very much! Nothing compares to mommy, and one day she will understand your struggles and she will tell you "thank you". I did to my mom. You are in my prayers, and I will think of you often! God bless you and your family!

mamashann

I have a daughter who is ODD (As well as Bi-Polar) I understand your dilemma but you need to also look at your behavior. It does not help a child to be so angry yourself. Remember, children are a product of us-they learn and get their behaviors and genes from us. So reviewing your post I see
#1 your screen name suggests you are sexual hyperactive (bi-polar indicator).
#2 you are angry "freakin jerry Springer".
#3 you may have been too strict "Ive disciplined" no reflection of praise or compassion. "She has faced consequences for her actions...still does not seem to have grasped cause and effect."
# 4 Your resentment is being focused against your child. Please view your own hostility. “As I mentioned she behaves exactly like her father did. He was always making promises to do better by us but it always turned out to be a lie. She does the exact same thing…He stole from everyone including his family and friends. She also does the same”
#5. you may want to consider your own personality disorder - paranoia (Persecution) also blaming without taking responsibility your self- a sign of various disorders such as bipolar, sociopath, borderline personality ”Well when the court date came we all went into the court room and the judge who happened to be female gave my ex husband this sort of secretive" We know something they don't" sort of wink and fluttering her eye lashes making googly eyes at him... but since she was a judge not much could have been done.”
#6 Chances are very likely the behavior is genetic. ODD is not a learned trait. All children are defiant however more likely it is genetic. All family disorders and characteristics must be reviewed. Although you may be a perfectly functioning adult you may have some characteristics that your child has acquired also.
“So then my children and their children were placed with social services…I had to take a hair strand drug test, prove that I wasn't mentally unstable, have supervised visits with the social service so they could see how I ..So my thought is she probably picked up a lot of bad behavior from her father while living with him”

“It just seems like she doesn't care.” This is common to ODD children it can also lead to conduct disorders and antisocial personality in adulthood if not addressed in childhood.

“ There have been times where she has started to tell me things about her father and his girlfriend and then stopped and refused to continue and pretended like she was saying something else when I asked her about it.” Repression and avoidance of psychologically discomforting events is normal to almost everyone. Your child can see your anger, resentment and hostility to your husband, why would she (even a mentally disturbed child) want to compound it????


PLEASE seek help for your child. I understand not everyone has great insurance but trust me there are resources to help. If you do not get help your child may become a sociopath, suicidal, hurt you or herself or become abused or become abusive. Ritalin has been effective to help children with ODD and AHDH-there are alternatives to Boot camp!!! 7 is too young and it is not effective on all disorders. Not only that there have been deaths and injuries in boot camps. Not to mention the cost is high....seek professional psychiatric (NOT just COUNSELING) help!!!!
Sincerely,
A concerned mom of a bi-polar, ODD child
By the way- I have had to acknowledge my own personality traits as well and it helps me to understand how and why my daughter has some of these characteristics. Even though I function and have not had major problems, i realize some things are genetic from me as well as her father.

mamashann

your note on "corporal punishemnt"
ODD children are the most difficult thing in the way of parenting so the norm is not even comparable. So for a normal child I would say no to spanking...here are some discipline suggestions for NORMAL kids
Tips for effective discipline:
-Trust your child to do the right thing within the limits of your child's age and stage of development. -OK with ODD kids (young sociopaths what is their definition of "the right thing"?????

-Make sure what you ask for is reasonable. (trying to ask an ODD kid to stop being defiant and difficult....yeah sounds reasonable to me but not to the defiant kid-they are trying to end the cause of their frustration such as when they are having a hard time with a task (e.g., homework, some tasks they don't immediately understand, or a toy or game that they can't make work the way they want), they find that the best way to eliminate their frustration is to stop trying and do something else instead. If they want to do something and their parent (or another adult) won't let them do it, the best way to eliminate their frustration is to act in ways that might get the adult to change their mind and leave them to their own desires and interests. SO changing this behavior is saying change the core of your being.)

-Speak to your child as you would want to be spoken to if someone were reprimanding you. Don't resort to name-calling, yelling, or disrespect. (OK this one is a definite but it is actually VERY hard to stick to when dealing with ODD kids)

-Be clear about what you mean. Be firm and specific. (Yeah ok once again is definite but ODD kids engage you in discussions and arguments that go in circles that you forget what your point or request was)

-Model positive behavior. "Do as I say, not as I do" seldom works. (Yes again understandable and reasonable...sometimes hard because it is hard not to be angry with ODD kids, it is hard not to yell at ODD kids etc etc....)

-Allow for negotiation and flexibility, which can help build your child's social skills. (NO WAY-negotiation is a sign that there is compromise to the ODD kid.)

-Let your child experience the consequences of his behavior. (HAHA ODD kids have almost no conscience and do not care about consequences, as long as they avoid the frustration. For example homework is frustrating to the ODD kid, so they do not finish it. In consequence they get an F and flunk the class. The ODD kid does not care because they avoided their frustration so they are happy.)

-whenever possible, consequences should be delivered immediately, should relate to the rule broken, and be short enough in duration that you can move on again to emphasize the positives. (TOTALLY TRUE)

-Consequences should be fair and appropriate to the situation and the child's age. (It is hard to find the right consequence for ODD kids)

So I hope you can see that Dr. Spock wrote his rules for NORMAL, non-defiant kids without personality or mood disorders. Being the mother of a ODD, Bi-Polar child I can say the only thing that kept my daughter "in-line" for 12 years is corporal punishment...it is nothing to brag about but I am clear to counselors and psychiatrists that we have tried MANY different methods of punishment....sending a kid to their room might work for one kid-but not another....taking away a toy form one kid might work on one but not another...etc etc.....

I feel for any parent of an ODD child. It makes you feel frustrated, incompetent, ashamed, bad, regretful, uncertain, sad, depressed, etc. It has been a roll coaster and for those of you (Without an ODD kid) who try to give advice to parent of an ODD child-please save your breath....you have NO CLUE. Sorry but it is so true.

NowWhat

I don't mean to be dense, but what does ODD stand for?