5 yr. old telling me (mom) she doesn't like me

mommy of 2 · #1 Aug 27, 2006, 03:43 PM

Hello everyone I am looking for some help. My daughter is a very advanced 5 yr old and we get along GREAT. But for the past 3 months she has told me 4 times that she doesn't like me. And to make it worse it is when we are having a good day she hasn't even been yelled at. She just started school 2 weeks ago I am not sure if it is something that kids go through. I am just looking to talk to someone. I could understand if she was telling me this when we are arguing but it is not. We had a great day at the park and then come back home and she tells me she doesn't want to hurt my feeling but she doesn't like me. When I ask her why she says it is because I yell at her and put her in timeout when she does something wrong. Any help PLEASE! I just wondering what to do or how to handle it. Should I let her see my cry about it??

valinors_sorrow · Aug 27, 2006, 04:05 PM

Wow, you should affirm to her that its understandable that she feels that way and let it go at that. She is a child. You are an adult. Children don't like discipline, vegetables, going to bed, etc but they need them. Don't you remember not liking it too and you probably "displaced" it onto your parents as well. I know I did. If you make a big deal out of this, or worse yet, alter anything because of it -- you'll raise a master manipulator who will be unhappy for the rest of her manipulating days. How can I possibly know this without having kids of my own? I am a former advanced child and master manipulator myself.

Do your child a BIG favor here -- be her parent, not her friend. At least not until she is a lot older, and I mean a lot older.

mommy of 2 · Aug 27, 2006, 04:30 PM

You are right and I understand all of that. I know she is a child but when you ask her if she really knows what I don't like you means she knows. Please don't get me wrong my children are my life both of them. My husband tells me I have spoil them. I stay at home and we play all the time she has a bed time that she follows she eats just fine. She has everything that you can imagine both my kids do and maybe that is the problem. My husband is gone ALOT. He works as a fireman so he is gone every 3rd day for 24hrs. and then we farm so he leaves at 6:00am and most of the time he doesn't get home until 11:00pm. Sometimes I wonder if that is why she is saying this to me when I am the one who puts her in timeout not him. I take my kids to see their dad everyday either out at the farm or at the fire station. But I am the one who lays down the law and I just wonder if that is why she is acting out and telling me she doesn't like me. Yes she is a child and trust me when she tells me that I act like an adult and just tell her I am sorry that she doesn't like me but I still love her very much and always will. She just came out here and told me that her stomach hurt because she feels sorry for me. I kissed her and said it will be ok and put her back to bed. But I want her to know she can't keep saying this to me either.

valinors_sorrow · Aug 27, 2006, 04:48 PM

You may disagree with me all you like but it is wrong to make your children your life, very damaging to children because it allows parents to cross boundaries they shouldn't-- its called codependency and it presents an unrealistic picture of the world to the child. It is also wrong to see that they have everything, it spoils them and prolongs and fosters self centeredness. YOU need some adult interaction daily so you'll quit trying to get that through your kids. And your kids need to develop an emerging independence from you-- so they do age appropriate things BY THEMSELVES, like playing.

I would urge you to get a hold of parenting books, (I can recommend a few by John Bradshaw) talk to other parents regularly or even seek counseling for yourself. The fact that your daughter is feeling a physical symptom over what is essentially your emotional state is clue enough there are already boundary issues. Kids should be free to say they don't like something or someone all they want and if your ego isn't up to that, its not her problem, its yours. The fastest way to damage a child is to require him/her to feel something other than what he/she feels. You should be guiding what they do, and let the feelings be what they are.

mommy of 2 · Aug 27, 2006, 05:27 PM

You may disagree with me all you like but it is wrong to make your children your life, very damaging to children because it allows parents to cross boundaries they shouldn't-- its called codependency and it presents an unrealistic picture of the world to the child. It is also wrong to see that they have everything, it spoils them and prolongs and fosters self centeredness. YOU need some adult interaction daily so you'll quit trying to get that through your kids. And your kids need to develop an emerging independence from you-- so they do age appropriate things BY THEMSELVES, like playing.

I would urge you to get a hold of parenting books, (I can recommend a few by John Bradshaw) talk to other parents regularly or even seek counseling for yourself. The fact that your daughter is feeling a physical symptom over what is essentially your emotional state is clue enough there are already boundary issues. Kids should be free to say they don't like something or someone all they want and if your ego isn't up to that, its not her problem, its yours. The fastest way to damage a child is to require it to feel something other than what it feels.

I do feel my kids are my world I love them both. As for them being spoiled yes they have alot but they also have jobs around the house to do for money to buy most of their stuff. That way they learn too. As for adult contact I have 5 friends who stay at home too we get together 3 times a week with our kids so they can play and we talk and do girls things. My kids have independence and time away from me besides the 3 days of getting together. 1 day a week we take turns having the kids at each others house for crafts and time away for mommy. So my kids get away and I get adult time too. I just wanted to know if any one had advise on this. She has NEVER acted like this. You can say all you want that I should be a parent and not a best friend. Trust me we are both.

Children are children and we are thier parents not thier best friend,

Kids will love you, hate you, like you and dislike you often in the same hour.

You can ask her why, but in general, most likely it is a tool she is learning to use to help control you and get you to do what she wants you to do.
Kids learn fast to use guilt or fear to get what they want, and then learn to use one parent against the other.

I feel you could be right she is learning and I just keep telling her that I love her and go on. I did cry but I just keep letting her know that I will love her even if she is mad at me and it will pass soon and things will be better.

mommy of 2 · Aug 27, 2006, 05:34 PM

Thank you so much

valinors_sorrow · Aug 27, 2006, 05:39 PM

Maybe it would be better if you heard from people who had kids. I am apparently not a very credible source on this topic for you. Good luck.

mommy of 2 · Aug 27, 2006, 05:40 PM

That is why I came to this sight. Any input is great. People with kids or without.

aqua@home · Aug 27, 2006, 05:57 PM

I think you have to remember who we are talking about. This is a five year old girl. I think you are mature enough to realize that this is not the end of the world. Children sometimes say things just to be mean or because they don't understand what they are saying and how it affects people. I realize that you have talked to her, but remember she is five. If this hurts your feelings now, you are in trouble later. Val is right, do your children a favor and don't be their friend, be their mother. I know it is not easy to be the bad guy, but somebody has to be or they will be running the show. Just say to your daughter that what she said is not acceptable and is not allowed in the house. You don't say it to her or your friends, that is not an acceptable or respectful thing to say to anyone. Teach by example. You can also tell her that it is alright not to like someone, you don't like it when she says that but you still love her. Then leave it alone. Don't let this burden you, you are the parent.

You say that your children have jobs to earn money, what about jobs just because they are a member of the house and the family. I think kids are rewarded far too much and there is way too much emphasis put on "things". Everyone in our home has to pitch in, that's what being part of the family is about. You won't get rewarded with money always, but you will get food and a bed.

From the sounds of it, if you do not start to be a stronger parent, your children will end up running the show. Your husband has said as much, so do your family a favor and shift the way you do things. Little children are easy, it's when they get bigger you can have problems. Stop them before they start.

BTW...I have 5 children between the ages of 1 and 11 years.



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