I'm writing this question for a friend of mine who has a 3 year old son. She is at her wit's end with his tantrums and is starting to wonder if they are normal or not. Since I'm not a mother yet I don't feel I have enough experience to judge that, but maybe someone here has an opinion? Here are a couple of examples of his tantrums:

The other day he discovered that the car has overhead lights on the inside of it. He loves lights so he wanted to turn them on and off, on and off. My friend decided to not let him do it at all, because it drains the battery. Well he had one of his tantrums and screamed and screamed and kept trying to reach the lights. He almost managed to get himself out of his car seat a couple of times (this was going on while my friend was driving!). She also has a 6 month old baby, and so when they reached home finally, she had to take the baby and the groceries in the house first, because the 3 year old refused to leave the car and continued screaming. Then she had to force him out of the car, and he got away from her and ran back to the car several times before she finally had to literally drag him into the house, kicking and screaming. Once in the house he continued to scream and cry for a long time. All together the tantrum lasted about 90 minutes. He has other tantrums like this several times a week. He has even lay down in the middle of the street to have a tantrum, and she's had to drag him to get him to the other side of the street before the light changes. All this with her 6 month old in tow. She gets very little help from her husband, who is extremely lazy.

Anyways basically just wondering if tantrums to this extent are normal with some kids. Thanks.

jduke44

I totally agree with Chuck. I was thinking, oooh are you going ot get some nasty posts. I was thinking as I was reading that you should never hit a child when you are angry, then I saw it in your next post. I don't think enough parents do spank their children. When I spank my 2 yr old it is to show him that he needs to change his behavior.

Orange, women have a certain instinct about bringing up a child. You will not know everything, so don't pretend to know everything. The other thing, every child is different, so if you get advice from anyone whether it is here or family or whomever, I would suggest you not to take it as set in stone. Try it, if it doesn't work, modify the correction or figure out a new way. As Dr D says, kids don't come with instruction manuals (darn) but then again life doesn't either, well, sorta. I'm sure I could write the lngth of a book on this so I will shut up now.

jduke44

Again totally agree. I think my child would be considered hyperactive. He's 2 come on, of course he is. His pedetrician is pretty good and has not forced thar issue. I heard recently some good "studies" about ADD and ADHD that only a very small percentage of children have this and like Chuck has said can be modified with diet and such.

CaptainForest

You people scare me. How you can ever justify spanking a helpless child is beyond me.

Negative enough for you Fr Chuck?

Anyways,

Orange, I was in the same situation as this 3 year old. My mother gave birth to a new baby, spent all this time with the new baby, and I acted out. At that age, kids express their feelings through yelling and screaming, not words.

Your friend should have Daddy baby sit 6 month old baby once a week and Mommy and 3 yr old should go out and spend the day together. It is important for the 3 yr old to realize that Mommy is still around and still cares and loves him. Trust me, I know.

And now to the spanking issue....
HOW COULD YOU? I think I turned out ok, and I was never spanked. Here is an alternative idea to spanking. What does the 3 yr old like? Ice cream for example? Well, that night, after 3yr old was a brat in the car, Mommy and Daddy should have had ice cream for desert but not allowed 3yr old to have any. And tell him the reason he doesnt get any is because he didnt listen to Mommy in the car.

There are many different approaches but spanking should never be an option. Thats in essence telling your kids its okay to hit someone when they do something you dont like.

orange

Errr, now I feel like a flake, because I actually agree with parts of what everyone has said, including you, CaptainForrest! I don't want to spank and never had any intention of doing so ever... but then I get this experience with my friend's kid and he is just sooo out of control. Like not just a bad tantrum every once in a while but practically every day and sometimes several times a day! Blah. I guess I'm just feeling a bit scared now because what will I do if I have the same problem with my baby.

I have a lot of patience and although I've said here that I want to spank my friend's kid, I don't think I ever would. Even more so with my own child. Afterall I never spank my dog and cat, and they've both been pretty annoying at times. Anyways this is all really good to think about now, before I have the child. I can make plans and educate myself, listen to what others say, and as you said jduke, I will hopefully have some natural inclinations about how to care for my baby... actually I think I definitely will, because apparently I'm good with children.

CaptainForrest, I really like your suggestion of having Daddy babysitting once a week, but unfortunately that won't be happening in my friend's case. Her husband is one of the laziest men I've ever met. Since the 3 year old has been born, he has babysat a total of about 2-3 times. My friend can't even leave the kids alone when she showers because her husband complains. She doesn't want to leave them alone with him anyways because he has a bad temper and tends to slap the 3 year old in the face or wherever if the child gets in his way. Luckily MY fiance is not anything like this... he's looking forward to taking care of the baby when he's not at work.

I think I just answered my own question LOL. After typing all of that, I think one of the reasons the little boy acts out is because of the way his father is. And maybe he wants attention from his father too! But I can't imagine him changing... like I said he is very lazy and very selfish too!

Anyways thanks for your comments!!

CaptainForest

Wow, so why is she with this guy then? He doesnt sound like a good father and perhaps not a good husband? But I might be poking my noise into areas I shouldnt be...

orange

Ugh well that's a really good question!!! Why the $%#^ is she with him???? I've been wondering that myself for years. She always complains about him too, and says she's going to leave him, but never does. The stupid part is, she's a hard worker, has a really nice personality, and physically she's absolutely gorgeous. Guys are always looking at her, to the point where it makes me jealous, haha. But my point is, she could have any guy she wanted. Yet she's been with this guy for nearly 10 years now, a long time before she ever had kids with him. I've given up on trying to convince her to leave though. It bothered me for a long time since we are foster sisters, but I had to let it go and I just try to be supportive now, and hope she might have the courage to leave at some point...

jduke44

I agree, this is one of the things I forgot to mention in my post. My 2yr old acts out b/c he thinks we give too much attention to our 10 month old. Atcually, I think it is the opposite but he doesn't see this.


Again, I agree. I will admit, I don't take my 10 month old as much as I should. One of the reasons is b/c when he was fully breastfeeding it was hard to find a chunk of time to take him anywhere. This will benefit in 2 ways, it will show the attention to the 3yr old as CaptainForest has mentioned and also will possibly help the younger one to not be so attached to mommy (I know b/c that is how my 10 month old is).


I agree there are many different approaches to discipline. I think a quick spank on the butt is one of them. I don't go around spanking my child whenever I get the chance and I never hit him in the face. I use spanking as a method to get the boys attention when he has blatently disobeyed me and and looks at me and snickers. I will admit, I do hit him when I am angry, but before I hit him I let him know why I am spanking and that way it lets me cool down so that I won't spank him too hard and regret it. What works for some, may or may not work for others. I don't think (this is my opinion for my child) waiting till later to tempt him with icecream b/c children have a short attention span and may not get the full grasp of what he did earlier.



I think you are right about the father hitting the child. There are probably alot of reasons why this is happening. Hopefully, the mother and father can find a solution.

CaptainForest

One thing is that WHEN the child is misbehaving, you tell him wont get any ice cream for desert that night. Then that night, you follow through with it.

Fr_Chuck

Well lets say it was used for years and years and it works. Sadly today people who want to change things that work come up with ideas that normally have little real effect. I guess in general the treat for behavior like training a dog can work to a point but negitive behaior can be a sign they want a boundy, and they are looking for someone to set those boundies. And giving them a treat latter, or not giving them something latter has little effect, they can not match the two events.
A quick swat is not only very effective, but untill this last generation it was the prefered method.

Scared, I guess yes, scared that this new sillyness being taught will be found to be wrong and that the old ways are still the best.

CaptainForest

This "new sillyness being taught" as you say, is not silly at all. It has been going on for a while, with a lot of good results.

Society changes over time, we no longer have legal retribution killings for example. We now have abortion, same sex marriage, legal prostitution.

Spanking teaches the wrong moral values to kids, hence why more and more don't do it these days.