My 21 year old son won't leave the nest. He has a part time (2 days a week if that) job. He's registered oncollege but takes meaningless coarses like swimming and a guitar class. Now he dosesnt even go. He has a cell phone on my account and I've told him, you don't pay the bill you don't have a phone. He's skipped out on two months now and has only given me $20. He owes now $140. I'm turning off his phone. But my issue is that while I've told him if you stay at home you work and/or go to school he doesn't He doesn't pay rent because he can't afford it. But won't get a second job. He got into law trouble and has a $100 bill to pay to probation and is 3 months behind. He will start to do laundry and just recently left, called home to have his 10 year old brother put it in the dryer. And never came back. I call him on ALL of the rules he breaks and all I get is denial and excuses. I constantly ask him to do things Around the house and moe excuses. Sorry Mom. My bad. I forgot. I won't do it again. He has a G/F whom I can't stAnd and she's not allowed at the house. So the last time he didn't do what I ask of him I told him to go stay with her. I don't expect a lot from him but he's a bad influence on my younger boys. 15 and 10. When I've ask him to leave before he manages to make promises he doesn't keep and mAnipulates his way back in. He throws fit when held accountabe for his actions and IM DONE! He refuses to be accountable and responsible. I've tried talking, begging , pleading, everything you can think of. Consequences don't work. He just argues, blames, and makes more excuses for not handling his "business". What do I do?? Please help me. On top of all that, I'm my 85 yr old grandmothers caregiver. She has the same mannerisms he does. Denial, excuses, manipulation. So my plate is rather full with all this stuff.

Hi not sure I have any answer but I do understand here's my story in brief maybe it will help
Im sure there will be a few who along the way have problems with there children Well sadly I'm one of them . Over the last 5 years he has become very difficult . He is now 20 Had 2 jobs which he walked out of and wouldn't sort himself out to even sign on for benefits Also walked out of his collage course... Then went off to join the army Not my first chioce for him but did all I could to show him support on his choice Spent days down on the running track getting his fitness level to were it needed to be Also paid for gym memberships . Off he went and it was a sad day But I also hoped it may be something he could be proud of doing But alas after 3 months he was back

He seems to have lost all respect for me and will constantly swear and abuse me verbaly and as hard as this is to type he has wished me dead a few times, in fact asked me why I bother to live as my life is not worth anything so why don't I just go and kill myself like my mother did ( sadly she committed suicide )

He did go to live with his farther for a short while ,but that didn't work out He stole from him So had to return to my house I have now found him a flat decorated it for him and manage to get him some furniture together , but he didn't seem to be making any effort to move in Last week I asked what his plan was and he told me he was going nowere and I should get used to it If I didn't like it then tough Well enough is enough I have taken his key and told him he cannot come back He must go live in his new flat . He came back last night and was banging on the door screaming for me to let him in In the end I had to call the police as he throw a brick at the window. I know he is not on drugs Drinks more than he should at the weekend . I just don't know what's happened to him were my handsome funny intelligent young man went..

He isn't following through on anything, but I don't see you following through either.

If you are paying for college, stop the cheques. If you are paying for the cell phone, cancel it. If you are thinking about paying his court fines, don't. If he drives your car, take away the keys.

I don't know what kind of trouble he's getting himself into witih the law, but somebody has to step up and teach this kid that there are consequences; not threats, not pleading, not negotiating, not begging, but actual consequences.

If he's capable of working, then he can support himself somewhere else. I assume that he is a healthy man, with two arms and two legs. He's been given many opportunities to take responsibility for himself, and he can't even complete a load of laundry.

I don't see this as a problem for him at all. He's getting what he wants, when he wants it, and doesn't have to be held accountable for anything he does.

There comes a time when you aren't doing him any favours by not letting him grow up and face the world himself. While you keep bailing him out, and giving him meaningless ultimatums, he keeps himself in a comfortable place where he wants to be.

He has to grow up, and you have to allow him to by following through, and expecting him to.