Please for those of you who have young adult children I need some advice. This is a long complicated story but the short version is this...

My daughter at 16 had to deal with the death of her biological father. She met a boy (criminal) completely disrespected me and her step father, lived on the streets for months, did crime, drugs you name it... She got caught a year ago and after I made her stay in jail for four days I bailed her out under very strict conditions.

For the past year she has been doing okay the first few months where very rough as she adjusted to her new rules etc... but she successfully completed a year of school with great marks etc... She was in counselling for almost the entire year, she has seen her family dr who put her on an anti depressant for anxiety. We moved to a new home in May she started to find God and we as a family also did... for a month we've not been going to the church we started to go to because we do not believe in that docteran however we are going to be attending on about 45 minutes away that my husband is familiar with we have just had to adjust our schedules in order to be able to go.

For the past month my daughter now 18 has been very disrespectful. She mouths off constantly, does not hesitate to swear brutally in front of us, has demanded even more of our time (we have given her tones and tones over the past few years) she smokes pot and at times it seems if she does not have any "she can not handle it" She does not respect any one in the houses space/privacy. If she does not get her way she freaks out and says things to us that are very hurtful. Always she apologizes but "im sorry" wears thin after awhile. I love my daughter more than anything but at 18 I feel she should certainly carry herself with some respect for this house. My husband (her step father) loves her and she loves him too but she does not want to follow the rules and she thinks we should do everything for her. Rides, money etc etc etc
She asked last week if we would take her to her bfs (40 minutes away) we live rural and we told we would see how our week went. We run two business, our other son works, (who we drive into town as we only have one car right now) she asked us almost every day this week and put the pressure on tonight. She was saying things like "well he has to know so his family can plan" etc etc I do not like to be put on the spot. So I told her leave us be and let us talk about it and we will let you know and on her way up the stairs she mouths off "then it's going to be a no!"...
Well that was it.. it quickly became a no. She has no right to demand as she did. (and this is constant I thinks she forgets how we've helped her) She freaked out!! Claimed she broke up with her boyfriend because what is the point etc etc.. yelling screaming swearing telling us we are nuts, on and on and on and on and finally her step father lost it told her to get out! We have told her before if you don't like the rules you are 18 you can go and get a place etc etc... we he had it and me too...
We decided to give her a month to prepare herself, find a place close to her school (she goes to an adult learning center half days mon to fri) and she could find a job, do it properly and not have to live by our rules etc. But NO she decided that she had to go right then called a bunch of people until she found someone to come and get her. She claimed she could not sit here for another month just waiting to move. I tried to explain no you will find work and find a place and we will get you set up etc. etc... but she was having non of that even proclaimed that if she does not go now and get weed she is going to "kill someone"

I am a mess

Question to all of you mature individuals who have adult children... Did we do the right thing? Should I have stopped her for fear of her going right back down that bad road again? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Being a parent sucks at times doesn't it? I have 4 children, ages 22, 20, 15 and 6, so I am well versed in the teen years.

Yes, you did the right thing. She is now and adult and has to learn on her own. You have laid the framework, now it is up to her as to what to do with it.

Sure, she may head down that same road, many do... but you have to let her be responsible for the decisions she makes. If she lands in jail again, it's up to her to find her own way out.

It seems that you have been more than patient with her, much more than I would have been to tell the truth. And it's time to let the baby bird fly.

However, you have to remember that when, and if, she gets herself in trouble, you cannot come to her rescue, she has to learn this on her own.

She has to learn to make choices. While you will be happy to celebrate her good choices, she has to learn to cope with the consequences of the bad choices.

You have no idea how much better you have made me feel. Its tough when those darn emotions get in the way. She is a very good manipulter and drama queen.. lol Even to the point that she basically told me how her life was about to go down the toilet... "I have no family now"
Etc etc... But I did at that point reassure her and tell her you always have a family young lady you are choosing to do it this way... I of course would much rather help her find a place etc etc... this is not the way for a child to leave home :( But thank you for your words they make me stronger

It's hard being a parent, children don't come with step-by-step, age-by-age instructions. We have to go by instinct.

We want the best for our children and we will do anything to give it to them. However, there comes a time when they have to do for themselves.

When they were little we would teaching them not to touch something because it's hot... guess what, they touched it anyway. But they learned and never touched again. It's much the same with this age, but now they can talk back and manipulate.

As our children get older, our backbone must get stronger. We have to stick to our guns so to speak and maintain consistency as much as when they were younger, but it's harder now. If you break consistency, the children have mastered us and know how to manipulate us.

I've been where you are, done what you're doing, and got the t-shirt to prove it. I now have 2 wonderful grown sons who are married and very respectful. The oldest is expecting his first child in December. But, it was a hard road to follow. Had to keep my high beams on at all times.

The stronger you are, and the more consistent you are, you will end up reaping the rewards of being a good parent. Sure, it's hard, not a job I would really choose because it pays nothing monitarily, but again, you reap the rewards when they do eventually mature enough to see that Mom and Dad were right.

My son now tells me that he says things that he remembers me saying and he swore back then that he was always right and I was always wrong. LOL

I feel like you did the right thing. The only thing I think you did mess up on was telling her to stay until she gets a job and a place of her own. Don't let her wait, she wants to be grown, let her know what it feels like to be on her own for a little while. She'll be crying to come back home and when you do decide to let her back in stick to your rules with no exceptions.

Haha funny you mention that because my husband and I where just discussing that exact issue.

So let me ask you all this then...
We have heard from her already. She is safe.

Now the entire issue, icing on the cake, straw that broke the camels back.. whatever way you want to look at it was that we told her no we did not plan to drive her to her boyfriends this weekend. So enlight of what has happened (btw she is at the bf's house now) she has gotten exactly what she wanted in the first place. Now that I am much calmer we have talked about what to do when she does want to come home. Seriously my issue here is I will bet she wants to come home by the end of the weekend so she does not mess up school (as she is almost 40 minutes away from school with no means to get there etc etc. But if we allow her to come back that quickly and easily we feel we have yet again been manipulated by her getting to go off drama and all spend the weekend with her boyfriend partying or whatever it is they are doing and then come home with her tail between her legs ready to "follow the rules" Any the cycle begins. I don't want to yo yo with my daughter anymore. We are tired and it is not fair to the other two children who live in this house.
Any advice on this one?

Christina, she has made her choice. It was her boyfriend not your rules. Since she made the choice to act like a grown up and move out, she is going to have to make decisions like a grown up and find a way to school.

Sometimes you have to use tough love to get through.

I agree with J_9... if she wants to get to school, she will figure something out. If it turns out she ends up having to stop going for awhile, she can always go back at a later time.

Teen years can be so much like the terrible twos all over again for many kids... they sulk and get angry when they don't get their way, they think everyone is there to cater to what they want, they question everything, they want their independence (and often fight for it feriously)... but still need your guidance even if they won't always admit it, etc..

It's good the lines of communication are open and being apart will let you all see things a bit clearer perhaps and have some breathing room for a time. It will likely help her to put things into perspective and do some growing up.

You will have to decide when and if she is able to come back, but let her have sometime to think about things, get a taste of what being on her own is like (albeit she is at her boyfriend's house but still away from her family and comfort zone), discover just how much you and her stepdad did for her, etc..

My mom did the same thing to me when I turned 18. She kicked me out because I was disrespectful and treated her like crap. So, I dropped out of school because I couldn't make it there and back. Then I left my home town and moved to California (without telling my mom for about 3 months) with my boyfriend at the time and got pregnant. Then I left him and was all alone stuck 1500 miles away from home with a two month old. I was 19 by this time. I went to a domestic violence shelter and wnet back to school and got my diploma and got a job and got on my feet. I then relocated to Alabama where my dad's side of the family lives. (I never met them because my dad died before I was born) I am now in college full-time and I work two jobs. I thank my mom everyday for showing me tough love and now she is my best friend. I learned a lot and was forced to grow up quickly, but that is what saved my life. I now regret treating my mom like crap and apologize for it all the time. So, I know that it is hard, but that is why they call it tough love. She needs to respect you and your husband. I understand that it may be hard on her that her dad is not alive, but that doesn't give her a right to treat you like crap. I used to get mad all the time because my dad was dead and I would take it out on my mom, which it wasn't her fault that he had died and I was way out of line for treating her the way that I did. Good luck with everything. I hope your daughter doesn't have to learn the hard way like I did though, but like they say with addictions, a person has to hit rock bottom before they change. It is kind of the same concept.