I tried to keep it short - skip important details. I can answer any questions. Just trust it was a bad situation and a long custody battle that crossed state lines.

My boyfriend gained custody of his 3 children roughly 7 months ago after 5 years. We've been together 2, they separated after years of arguing over her drug use. The kids are 5 & 8 year old boys and 12 year old girl. The short of it is the eldest was the primary care-giver. Left at home alone a lot. Had a series of men whom they all had to call father. Verbal abuse, neglect, that sort of thing. This past year they were separated and living with different family. The eldest was forced to wear the same outfit to school every day by her grandpa! We had been trying to prove for a year to the authorities the separation she still drew from food stamps, child support and lived in HUD housing.

Since then we have shown them a lot of things they had never done. The grand canyon, roswell, climbing mountains, plays, festivals. They literally never did anything besides sleep and school. Even the movies was a first. You would think Hot Cocoa and all curled in a blanket was like Christmas. You get the idea. The boys have blossomed in the new environment. They have caught up really quick in school, the 5 y/o didn't know his colors, shapes or letters! I am very fastidious about praising the positives, and not rewarding bad behavior. We did have to buy a lot at once, beds, clothes, and some toys for them. I don't believe they are spoiled by normal standards, but they did get a lot at once in the beginning.

The problem we are having is the eldest. From the beginning, we can not give simple instruction or praise to the boys without her chiming in with "he didnt do it right" or "you go do this now" or the one I hate most "he can't he dosn't know how". I tell you she is MURDER on these boys self esteem, like a dog to raw meat. When she enters the room they don't talk and even stiffen up. She is equally as mouthy to us.

I time-out every time she mouths, and she now calls me ma'am. But she is so awful there is no room to praise, everything has a negative comment. She is on time out more than she is off it. She cries every time saying everyone hates her and we pick on her, and the boys never get in trouble. My boyfriend has gotten to a "cut the losses" idea, says he was too late, and wants to save the boys. The situation has well spiraled.

We sat down and had a good long talk WITH her, she broke down shared her feelings, we thought we got through. The end was that she would go back to her mother if she does not correct herself within a month. It has been a week and a half and its right back at it. There was another talk yesterday she was good, then we all went to applebees for a treat, where she didn't skip a beat. She had to have the adult menu (she did not get), wouldn't stay out of others plates, the boys ate wrong, the youngest chose baby food. And of course, we all hate her when she is told to sit on her hands.

This morning she woke us up by throwing a pile of jeans on us from the dryer crying that the ones she wanted to wear are still in the washer and she can't go to school because she has nothing to wear. He is at his end. He got up, got the scissors and cut those jeans to shreds, then made her stay home. He called in work and today she is cleaning the entire house army as we speak. He says he is getting a plane ticket for her on Friday.

Consistent punishment doesn't work, she has no toys left to take away, ultimatums fail, and the 'sitting calmly and talking it out' as everyone suggests doesn't solve much, he even spanks her!

What else is there?

JudyKayTee

I didn't ignore your PM - I was shocked and shaken by your response and wanted to think it over before responding to you as I didn't want to respond out of that hurt ... or, even worse anger, that you thought I was indirectly criticizing you or that you thought I would post something about you on the Board about you rather than taking it up directly with you.

For the record this is a very low blow and beneath you - I never, ever said I was perfect or anything close or that I had a perfect life. "Sorry, I missed the part about the OP not being married. We all goof once in a while, or are you perfect all the time?" My very point is that this is not even a stepmother and she is punishing the child - but I guess you missed that part.

Apparently the moderators are in agreement with you because this is still here. I find this argumentative and confrontational (something my posts get pulled for on a regular basis) but, as I said, this one is still here so -

I got your message, loud and clear.

J_9

Look at the time...It was just posted.

Yes, it's argumentative and confrontational. Why? Because your "greenie" to me suggested that I don't know how to raise children. I'll trade a week with you anytime.

My point in that particular post was that the OP came on asking for help and everyone came out with their guns drawn rather than trying to sort through what was actually going on. She was bashed and berated.

Again, I don't necessarily agree with how things were handled, BUT, I was willing to listen and to try to get more info out of her.

This poor family is at their wits end with this child and came asking for help, but rather than helping her all we did was tell her how crazy she was and what terrible parents they were. They aren't experienced in this sort of arena. She wanted help so we told her how terrible she was.

Sometimes rather than opening up with criticism we need to try to draw out all of the facts. You should know this as an investigator. We all are guilty of jumping the gun too quickly...myself included...see my above post, when we sometimes have to sift through everything that is said to find not only the negative, but the positive as well. It's so easy to just tell these people how terrible they are rather than to sit back and see that they are trying with all that they know how.

These people don't have degrees in childhood development...they are human and at their wits end trying the best that they know how to make a terrible situation better even if they are going about it the wrong way.

As "experts" here we have to try to remain calm and, unfortunately, sometimes, read between the lines, as hard as that may be.

Fr_Chuck

OP has not come back to this thread, closed

Altenweg

Chuck, it's still open.

I haven't read all the other threads, so I'm going to do my best to give some advice to the OP, and I hope she comes back to read it.

Here's how I see this situation. First, she's 12, it's not an easy age, no longer a child, not a teen, caught somewhere in the middle with all the hormones and attitude to boot. I remember it well, it wasn't fun for me or my parents. I'm sure you remember it too.

Second, you said that often she was left to care for her brothers, be the mother, the sister and everything else. She had a very unstable upbringing. That doesn't go away over night.

I sense that she's reluctant to give up her role as mother to her brothers. She's always been the caregiver of these boys, now she's not. No, she's not qualified, nor should she be responsible, to raise these boys. But it was left up to her. She sees you and her father taking over these jobs that were once hers. She also sees the boys loving you and your boyfriend, and the only love she's possibly ever gotten was from her brothers. Now, in her mind, you're taking that love away.

She's confused, she's lost, in so many ways. I know it's hard, but I don't think it's a lost cause. I also believe that the worst thing you can do for this child (and yes, she's a child) is to send her back to her mother.

It won't be easy, therapy is definitely in order, but I think you can all come to some kind of understanding. Keep in mind that she may only be 12, age wise, but she's had to grow up awfully fast.

I really think that your family can flourish if you all try and find a way to mesh. Don't give up on her, she doesn't deserve that. Deep down I think she's afraid to love you and her dad, afraid that you too will turn your back on her, as her mother did.

I wish you all the best. Please, read this, before you send her away.

Good luck.

jmjoseph

Alty, I feel for her too. I happened to know, through PM's, that things are better. The OP contacted me thanking me for the "benefit of the doubt". She has decided to not come back due to some of the harsh responses she received .

I think that we all felt for this little girl, and were upset by the punishment methods she was receiving. But according to the stepmother, things are looking up.

I think that everyone is in counseling, even the father.

Just thought you'd like to know.