My cat died suddenly and I am in turmoil.

Hi everyone, I am reaching out to you because everyone seems so nice on this thread.

I lost my cat this past Wednesday and I just feel so terrible. On Monday he fell down my stairs. I ran to him and steadied him but he walked like he was drunk, then did a strange thing with his eyes (looked back and forth at nothing in the room). He was fine in about 3 minutes.

Tuesday we were playing and hanging out. I took some photos (talk about intuition!) and noticed his two front legs shaking ever so slightly. I had already called the vet and got him an appointment for the next morning before I saw the shaking (I was grooming him so he would look even more handsome!).

The vet took his blood, temp, listened to heart beat BUT I don't remember her looking in his eyes. She was a new vet, never saw her before. I should have insisted on my old vet, but did not.

After the appointment I brought him to my parents house as it is near the vets office (in the suburbs of Chicago). He lived there for 6 months and LOVED it there. It was a beautiful day and he laid in the sun, ate grass, played with twigs, rubbed himself against my Mom and I while we ate lunch outside. All in all, it was a wonderful day.

Here is where it gets difficult...my Mom had an appointment, so I put him in his carrier-a nice new one. It was a bit warmer so I faced the side flap towards the AC (which blocked my view of him a bit). I proceeded to chat on my cell phone all the way home. He meowed once (not unusual, he was good in the car). I gave him a pet through the flap. About 10 minutes from home, he pooped in the carrier (only a 35 minute ride). While I should maybe have been nervous, my other cat ALWAYS poops in her cage so as I was almost home I lowered the windows for fresh air.

As I carried him in, he freaked out in the carrier to the point the soft sided flap almost ripped opened. I let him out in the hall and he walked funny inside. Then I noticed he was panting and salivating terribly. I freaked and my friend, who has a sick cat, told me to get him back to the vet. I tried to give him water the carried him out to my patio for air. He crawled under a bench and laying on his side began pawing at the dirt and rocks above his head. I was in a sheer panic. My vet, of course, happened to be OFF that afternoon and the emergency operator could not get through-there went 5 minutes (which felt like days). I googled ER vet, first one too far. Found another closer to my condo in the city. I scooped him up and ran for the car, no carrier just him in my arms-which he did not like at that moment at all. I set him in the passenger seat and began frantically driving to the office. He jumped up and down from the foot well of the car to the seat and seemed upset. He calmed down for a couple minutes and I pet him and reassured him thinking things were calming down. Then he started doing almost flip flops and just freaking out, which caused me to start crying hysterically and driving even faster. He then vaulted into the backseat and curled up very tightly under my seat. I kept talking to him and feeling his breathing, but in all the drama I managed to get totally flipped around and lost about 5 minutes being lost (in my own city!). By the time I got him to the vet, he was dead.

Everyone says there was nothing I could have done. They remind me I had him at the vet that morning, I was "tuned in", etc. I cannot help but be upset he suffered, although until that moment I do not believe he suffered a day in his life (except maybe when I accidentally stepped on his tail once or twice, lol).

He was 15 and a solid 18 pounds. He always had bad teeth and I refused to have his teeth cleaned recently because of his age (they put them under for the cleaning).

I know this is long, but I am suffering and wanted to know if anyone had anything this traumatic happen with their kitty. I miss him so much, but feel like I have not even come to terms with his departure from my life because I keep beating myself up for the way he died.

Please, someone help!