My mom was diagnosed last october 29 2004 with pancreatic cancer, she died dec 23 2004. We knew that it was terminal but had no idea how fast she would go. We never had a great relationship but i did love her and no matter when I needed her she was there. Here and my dad had just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversay a few days before. I saw her one last time in the begining of december and celebrated what would be my last b-day with her. I told her that I was sorry if I was a bad teenager( I got pregnant at 17 and now am 32) and was trying to really let her know how I feel and that I was thankful that she was there for me no matter what. I don't feel like I said enough or did enough and it has been now 4 months since she passed away but every month on the 23rd I am a mess. All I do is cry and don't want to do anything. I do grieve everyday but it seems like those are the hardest days for me. All my husband says is that it will get better, no real I guess you can say shoulder to cry on etc. My 14 year old was REALLY close to her and is having a hard time also. I know it takes time but is this normal, how I feel and what is the easiest way to get over it. I guess it also hits me really hard cause I am hairstylist and her wish was for me to do her hair and makeup so I did but did not expect to see her on the morgue.
Thank you
TIffany

tiggerella

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother, but can definitely tell you that I've been where you are now. My dad was diagnosed with lymphoma (cancer of the lymph nodes) in February 1979 and died in July of 1980. Although I had more time to prepare myself for his death than you did, I sometimes wish he had gone faster because of the intense agony of watching the man I loved dearly go from a healthy, hearty man to someone who closely resembled the pictures I've seen of Jews in concentration camps during the Holocaust. What hurt the most was the fact that, toward the end, he didn't even recognize his children when we visited him, so at least you know that your mom knew who you were - and that you at least had that chance to tell her you appreciated her while she was still coherent enough to understand.

I wish I could tell you that the pain will go away next week - or next month - or next year, but the truth is that, even after all this time, I sometimes will just burst into tears over nothing, like hearing a song he liked playing on the radio or hearing a joke that I know he would have loved. I thought I was abnormal until I spoke to my siblings and heard that they go through the same things, so don't think yourself odd for continuing to grieve for your Mom. You're caught in a natural process that will slowly resolve itself to the point that you will probably be able to eventually get through the 23rd of all the other months just fine, but don't be at all surprised to find yourself a total wreck as each December 23rd comes around. In fact, I'm seriously considering taking July 21st off from work this year so I can go and cry at my dad's grave for the 25th anniversary of his death......

If it helps, please know that I'll be praying for you every 23rd from here on....

mike145k

well this is the hardest type of event mankind experiences,time will heal your sad feelings,i come to tell you,fear not for the holy spirit is alive and here.among the hearts of those who have choosen to believe in the truth.i with my own eye's have seen the holy spirit bringing comfort to some,as i stood there looking at the jagged light of a few different colors, appear from thin air,going from certain person to another only two or three i am not sure if the holy spirit was on the other side of the church where i was unable,to see,after the last church member was comforted by the holy ghost it turned to the south and walked thru the church pew,before leaving it stopped and turned looking at me i froze in my pew,as i decided to move towards the holy spirit it walked into the air going higher and out thru the walls

karma

Last year, July 19th, my father died. He had been suffering with advanced coronary artery disease. He went through hell but still managed to stay alive, with relative health coming and going. Although the doctors kept telling him he had months to live year after year, he fought and lasted 5 agonizing years. Although his death was expected for some time, a part of me died everytime he went on the operating table. I felt that I would be ready when his time came. He did not die of the disease though. He returned to the hospital to find he had a tumor on his liver and thus signed himself out of the hospital and took his own life. He survived many painful ordeals, and though it may sound strange, I wish he had died quickly-but for his sake alone. He was my bestfriend and mentor and I had become his caregiver when I was 15. His pain was so great he could not take it anymore, and the prospect of cancer on top of everything was too much for him to bear. I miss him everyday, and I take time everyday to wish him the best, where ever he might be. Sometimes I still talk about him in the present tense, and when I catch myself it hurts so much. I used to feel bad, that I could feel the breeze or write a poem, things he will never be able to do again. But the thing that helps me get out of bed in the morning and start my day, because sometimes it is SO hard, is the thought of his love. That's something that will never fade, never die. I can't tell you the pain fades, or goes away. The frequency of the pain due to thoughts of the deceased seem to fade though. I let the pain come-then go. I smile a bittersweet grin when I think of him. Sometimes, I break down. But I continue to remember him, everyday, and let his love fill my heart. When he'd make a joke, or sing along to a song he loved. These things have helped me. I hope they help you. I'm scared to think of the pain I know I will experience on the 1st anniversary of his death, but life goes on. And I know he would have wanted me to go on, and be happy. Best wishes to you and your daughter. -Teresina

fredg

Hi,
It is very normal to not have said what you really wanted to say to a loved one before they pass away. Some feel they never said enough, others feel they said too much.
Give yourself some time, and just remember that she will always be in your memory and in your heart.
One must also remember that they do not want to completely "close the door on the past", but must go on with their life, remembering the good things.
Best of luck to you, and it will get better.
fredg

shenda

A Mother's Love is rare, its pure; honor her memory, fortify her legacy. She has imparted a piece of herself within you, that which brings life...celebrate it; that which birthed pain...correct it.

Understand your grief, know why you are grieving. Most often it is a matter of forgiving yourself for not doing All that you could have; nonetheless, we can not turn back the hands of time; however, we can brighten each day by becoming stronger along the way. Let your grief, become your joy. Let your grief serve as a barometer to give your All, to give your best from this day forward. I can not say, that from time to time, you will not have thoughts of your mother. It has been nearly two year since my mother passed, but I am confident, knowing that she longer suffers intolerable pain, and I have forgiven my selfishness desiring for her to remain. It was my selfishness that caused me distress. My unwillingness to accept change in certain aspects of my life. I had to learn to embrace the newness of getting things done.