My mum has died and my dad has remarried. Should I move to the USA with them?
Asked Jun 19, 2011, 07:15 AM
I lost my mum in May 2009 to cancer when I was 14. It has been really hard to cope and know what to do. My Dad had always been really supportive and him, my sister and me seemed really close. Then in October 2009, he announced that he was going to America (I live in England) on a business trip. I later found out that this was not really a business trip, but a reunion between him and his old girlfriend who had found out that my mum had died and had been emailing him over the summer. I was extremely shocked and upset, I did not mind my dad getting into another relationship, but not so soon. I had only met her once before my dad and her got engaged in February 2010. They married in September and her and her daughter came over to England. The daughter was 10, and although very sweet to me, she is extremely spoilt by her mother and badly behaved. I know that this money comes from my Dad and this upsets me. I was upset and not happy about them moving here, but I felt like I tried my best to make them feel comfortable in my home. The main problem was that over this time I felt like I lost my dad. He became a different person with her, more flashy with big cars and started going to the spa with her and everything. They do everything together, including going to the dump and I feel like I never get to be with him anymore and when I am with him, he just looks as if he would rather be with her. He was not like this before. He also started lying to me. I know that I made it difficult for him at first because I was so upset, which probably made him scared to tell me things, but when I realised this was the case, I felt like I stopped. One of the main things that upset me was that he removed the pictures of my mum and us around the house, and some of the paintings that my mum had done which my dad had put all his energy into after her death into framing and putting up. He had promised me he would not do this several times, so I felt so betrayed by him. I also asked him very kindly if he would mind asking my step mother not to sit in my mum's chair, but he refused, saying that you can't just ban someone off from a chair. I asked her myself and she was fine about it, I just don't get why my dad was like that. I feel like he always puts her first and won't protect my sister and me in the same way he used to. Although his new wife is very nice, I have overheard her complaining about me to him and whenever I try to talk to her and get more friendly, I feel like she takes the 'closeness' of our relationship to criticise or shout at me. Subsequently, I feel that as long as I don't talk to her, or only with a few words, she will not say things to me that will upset me. I know that this upsets her, and I don't want that, but I don't want to get upset because if the things she says to me. I know that this isn't right and not the way forward, but I don't know what is. In April this year, my Dad lost his job and there is nothing for him to do in England. His solution has been to move to America in September and start up a business there. I know that his choices are limited but I sometimes wonder what he would do if my mum was here because I really don't think that they would move to America. I know that he was probably planning to move there when my I finished school and a family friend told me that this is what he said (he refused to answer when I asked him) but this has come at such a tricky time in my life and I don't know what to choose. I could stay here with a friend or move with him. It is only 2 years till I go to university but I just don't know. I know that I will really miss him if I stay here but I feel that he always puts her first, and if I move, I will have no one to go to who knows me really well and knows what I have been through. I wish my mum was here, then none of this would have happened, and she could tell me what to do. Of course, at this point in time, my education should be the main thing to think about, and I know that that is what my mum would want. I have talked to several teachers, and they seem to think it would not make a difference to applying for university if I moved and would be a great opportunity which may even increase my chances. However, I don't know how easily I will fit in and this may make things hard. If I stay, then I will have to go to America every holiday to be with my dad which I really don't want as it will feel like boarding school. I just really, really wish that my mum was here to guide me through, I really, really just want to know the right answer and how my relationship with my Dad will be in America. If he becomes what he used to be to me, then I would not even question moving but I am scared that as he will be moving to where she used to live, with her family and friends, it will become even more about her to him and then it would be pointless for me to go. In this tricky time it makes me miss my mum even more, and makes me feel so sad and lonely.