I would like to ask if I am wrong feeling the way I feel about My Brothers death.... ANGRY, LOST, EMPTY ! ! ! He died very suddenly at home on the 2nd Feb this year from a massive heart attack.... But let me take you back a bit so you know what I am talking about. 3 Years ago He was diagnosed with Kidney Disease. I was a perfect match and donated one of my kidneys to him. He was doing so well after the transplant. Why did this have to happen to him ? I also feel like he has taken a part of me with him.... We were very close and I miss him terribly. I have never lost someone as close as him. How long will I cry ? Does anyone have any answers on how I can deal with this better than I am ? Looking forward to your replies.....

turtlebay

I am so sorry. It is a very difficult time when you lose someone you love. Everyone handles things differently, so it is hard to say how long you will cry. I do know there are
grief support groups that can help you deal with this. Please understand that these are
normal feelings after someone you love dies. You are not alone in your feelings. Find
a trusted friend or support group to talk to. Take Care.

kew

Thank you... I have tried talking to my family & friends but they don't seem to understand. I feel we had a special bond. May be thats why they don't understand.

tishee_76

Hi Kew

I'm so very sorry for your loss..
Let me be upfront and honest with you, I am by no means a professional with training or qualafications, I also have not experienced any thing to the magnitude your post..

I just wanted to say that you must be a wonderful person to offer your self to save another, in my books it makes you a hero..
I'm prity sure theres no text book rules on the "right way" to grieve..
There is a cycle, with feelings listed such as the ones youve stated.. so it sounds like your feelings are considered 'normal' behaviour..

My personal experience is that the over whelming sense of loss and deep seeded sadness will lessen eventually over a period of time, and then I felt guilty and wrong for feeling ok to live without them and my crying started all over again..

Any and all your friends and family are a great way to work through your feelings, but if you feel it's effecting your quality of life you may really want to seek a professional.

I wish you great strength through this period of your life, and may I suggest to you your brother has taken a part of you.. each relationship we have in our life time is unique and to lose one is to lose a piece of you, the important thing is to remember always the memories..

Be brave..

ordinaryguy

I am so sorry. This is a life-changing event for you. You say that it feels like he has taken a part of you with him, and this is true. You will never be quite the same person you were before, but this doesn't necessarily mean you will be less of a person, or an unhappier person. You may well become a more compassionate, more caring, more understanding person. It depends on how you process this grief and what you make of the experience.

A loss of this magnitude is not something you get over, it's something that you learn to live with. I know right now, while it's still fresh and raw, the idea that it could ever be "normal" for him to be gone seems completely outrageous and infuriating. You're still in the early stages of grief, and it will be quite some time, probably a year or more, before you regain any sense of normalcy about your life.

There is no substitute for the passage of time in healing from a trauma like this. You have to endure the seemingly interminable days of waking up every morning to the stab of realization that your waking life is the nightmare, and that sleep is the only escape from it. But slowly, slowly, you will find a way to process the reality of his absence, and in due course, you will be able to smile again. If I knew of a shortcut to that place of acceptance, I would certainly share it with you, but it doesn't exist, so the best I have to offer is to endure, persevere, and try not to hurt yourself or those close to you in the process of working through the loss. Bless you, my friend, and may healing come upon you when you least expect it.

tinsign

Hun it's perfectly normal to go through those emotions, it is part of the grieving and should be released not held inside you.
We all ask the question of why a loved one..I like to think it is because our loved ones have deserved to move on to a place of total peace and happiness we can't experience here on earth.
I truly hope hun that you help others in the future who will also go through this..your experience will be a big value to those people.

kew

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. . . . . I think I may be on the right track here. I needed to get some feedback from someone not directly involved ( hope that makes sence LOL ) and I am so grateful for all your words. . .tishee_76 was right... they are pearls and I will treasure them always. Thank You.

rbarr00

No one will be able to tell you how long it will take you to stop crying. Crying is only one of the ways we show our grief. Also, depending on the pressures we face in our life after a loss, sometimes the grief is forced aside only to be dealt with later. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. All I know is that I lost my brother very suddenly as well a few years ago. I never had time to morn my loss until after 2 more close losses.

My best advice I can give ANY person who suffers from a loss...especially of a close relative would be to seek grief counseling. You know? And don't just go to someone in the phone book either...it's appropriate and perfectly acceptable to shop around. Make phone calls...you'll know in talking to someone over the phone whether or not you will be able to open up to them. Also, and I'm not a big fan of counseling (I'm only recently going for the first time ever) but you know you can buy books and listen to what you're reading, but I connect really well with my counselor and it's amazing how honest I can be with him. Our life's experiences put little marks on us...on our spirits. It's never too early to talk face to face with someone to start seeing through the marks this has put on you. It's not just the loss as you said...it's the times before...the physical burden you went through in the past...you're not only suffering from this one moment...you might be surprised what you can dig up.

Last thing I want to say...might help now, might not...grief is cyclical. You will experience a lot of the same feelings you feel right now multiple times...sometimes they'll be easier to cope with, and you might be surprised at how overwhelming your emotions can be even years later. If we didn't grieve, if we didn't suffer, then we wouldn't be human.

Barrabas

Hi Kew, there is certain wisdom in waiting for death… to be constantly reminded of one’s mortality and temporality that is…


Holding on to what we have and that which have us in the now are quite significant in defining how we view and live life as we live it everyday. The more one thinks of death, the more does life presents its beauty. Anxiety will continue to seep in, patiently, not mindful of time, waiting for that right occasion to strike at that certain moment of weakness. It is quite helpful at this time to seek out for that most wanted grace of clarity – the grace to see and know how and where to stand. There are times when anxiety attacks indirectly, leading us to that which usually brings us joy and distort it to effect the opposite; and if caught unaware, the blow inflicted is doubly painful. It also strikes from without, attacking people who are of significance to you – and you cannot help but be gripped helplessly if caught with your guards down.

Of people coming and going, with an interminable desire to live fully, it is of utmost importance to be constantly reminded that there IS a difference between the fear of death and the love of life…

RubyPitbull

Kew, I am truly sorry for your loss. As you have noticed, Ordinaryguy's name can be quite misleading! He is far from ordinary. He has an exceptional insight into the human psyche.

There is not much insight I can add here to what has already been written. OG's right on target when he says that you will never get over this, you just learn to live with it. This is one of the truest and absolutes in this world that I know. Each of us handles grief and mourning in our own way and there is no exact time when the process begins to lighten a bit. Some people find their way out in a few months. Others take a year or years. It depends on the deepness of the connection we had with our loved one. Right now you are raw with grief. You are suffering from a depression that has a definite root cause. Anger, loneliness, emptiness are all part of the first stages of grief.

I think Rbarr's suggestion is a good one. Talk therapy/grief counseling truly does help. Believe me, I have been there. You shouldn't try to do this on your own.

Your family and friends can only help so much. Regarding your family, if they didn't have as deep a connection with your brother as you have had, they can only help to a point. Regarding friends, if they have never been through what you are experiencing, they cannot possibly understand. The ones that have been through it, can only help by giving you their personal experience with very little constructive advice. You need to make peace with this in your own way so you can function in the world again. You need to move past the depression and anger stage in your own time.

Until you decide to find a grief counselor, you may want to read this book. A friend of mine found it to be quite helpful when she was trying to cope with a loss in her life.

Barnes & Noble.com - Books: The Mourning Handbook, by Helen Fitzgerald, Paperback

Please come back to this forum and let us know how you are doing. As you have already found out, it can be quite helpful to write about what you are feeling. No one here will judge you. We are here to help.