My father passed away early this morning after an extended illness. Even though I had been trying to prepare myself for this for some time, I am having an awful time coping with this situation. Today, I took a drive about an hour away and bought myself lunch. I then drove to visit a few places my father and I had enjoyed together - places that always brought me peace and relaxation. I called home to explain to my Mom that I needed some time alone. I explained that I was not ready to start greeting people at our house to discuss the loss. I wanted some time at home to relax and talk with my Mom. Well, all day people came by. Eventually, my Mom called to tell me that she and my niece were the only ones home if I wanted to come home. I told her yes. I asked if she and I could grab a bowl of soup and talk - just the 2 of us. When I got home, my nephew called that he was coming over with his 2 daughters. I suggested that we drop off my niece to him and that would give my Mom and I the alone time that I felt I needed. My Mom refused. As such, I sat in my room crying while everyone else was there laughing and having a good time. Once everyone left, I tried again to talk with my Mom. My niece, a high school student, walked in between my Mom and I. I simply asked if my Mom and I could have 10 minutes to talk in private. My mom screamed at me and told me to get out of there before she punched me in the mouth. I pleaded with my Mom that I did not want to lose both parents on the same day but with no response. She has laughed at me crying and is telling me that I have completely lost that I need to grow up and face reality. Meanwhile I continue to reach out to her and attempt to tell her how to comfort me. I can not even imagine going to the funeral. I said my good byes at my father's bedside. Yet, my Mom says that I would be extremely rude if I did not go. She then turns around and tells me to do what I think it right. I honestly have NO idea. I feel really alone yet I want to be alone to a point... I am the only one crying over the loss of my father. My mom says she doesn't know what to do with me and that my actions are totally abnormal. PLEASE HELP!

The funeral is really a time for closing, and you are also forgetting that your mom is suffering a lot larger loss than you did. Where you are right now for HER, and HER needs, And there are some things you are expected to do as the son, if not for anyone else but your dad to honor his memory for other family members.

I don't agree with the other persons answer to you. You lost your parent she lost her husband there shouldn't be any comparison. You are grieving and allow yourself that. I lost my mom a couple years back and I still greave. Everyone deals with death there own way and that's the only thing you need to remember when you face your mom. If you don't want to go to the funeral then don't. Your dad isn't there he's at rest. Funerals are for the ones left behind. You are one of those left as well as your mom. Give your mom some space too. I know its hard to understand. It goes both ways. I can only leave you with this, "this too shall pass". You will always miss your dad. But, it will get easier. Take this time to greave. Let your mom greave in her way. Keep your head up and be proud of yourself for loving and caring so much for your dad.

Milk,

I´m very sorry about your father. I lost mine just before Christmas, also after a long illness. It was devastating although it was expected.

I agree with Proudmommy that we all grieve differently and no one should tell you how to grieve. This is really, really difficult. When you lose a father, you lose your childhood.

If I may, I would advice you though to go to the funeral if you possibly can. I had to drag myself to go and it was hard, but I felt better afterwards, because it does give you closure. I didn´t go to my sister-in-law´s funeral - she was my best friend and I couldn´t deal with her death - but it´s one of the things I regret the most. Something is not closed there.

However, if you don´t want to go, you shouldn´t force yourself, just because other people think you ought to.

I wish you much courage,

Violet

Everyone grieves differently but this sounds like your family is very stressed out and sounds a bit like you are putting yourself ahead of everyone else. You do need to grieve and cry but the family of the deceased has a certain responsibility and one of them is to accept the condolences of others.

It sounds like you want your mom to comfort you but families need to comfort each other and deal with the logistics of funerals etc.

It sounds like she's just trying to get through and welcome visitors and get through and she's dealing with you having a breakdown and trying to be the center of her attention. She has to deal with the loss while accepting the condolences of others.

Everyone needs to come together as a family. Your mom can't be all yours right not. You should be supporting her and she should be supporting you. She doesn't need the stress of you being rude to people and you don't need the stress of her being angry.

It's a tough, tough time and everyone grieves their own way but try to be a little more sensitive of others without completely repressing your feelings.

I've lost both of my parents and other loved ones. It's not easy to put on the game face, deal with the logistics, and deal with your feelings. It's a hard thing to do. And families can get very testy with ALL this to deal with. Try to come together with your mom and don't be so demanding of her time right now.

Take care.

I also agree with Proud. I also agree that the death of a close one is undistiguishable from one to the next. You can only do this the way you know to do it. It is insurmountable the feelings you are having. Pay attention only to your own intuitions, even with advice given here or anywhere else, cause, years from now you'll recognize this as perhaps what it was, a life changing experience. Your mom will be fine, you will be fine, your father is fine,. it will take a lot of time and sadness, but I'm sure that your reaching out to others will have some help with this. I am sorry for the loss of your father... I hope you grieve the way you need to.

As everyone else has already stated, everyone grieves differently. Maybe your mom needs to remember the good times, laugh about the joys they shared as a couple, maybe she did her grieving a long time ago, when she first found out that your father (her husband) was ill.

You cannot expect everyone in your family to hold you up, to be there for you, they are all dealing with this death as well, you have to find a way to deal with it without relying on them. Obviously your mom can't handle your grief right now, and she really shouldn't have to. I know it sounds harsh, but you have to find your own way.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost both my parents to cancer 6 1/2 months apart from each other, you will find your way, just give it time.

As to the funeral, only you can decide whether to go, but remember this, if you don't go there is no taking it back, you only have one chance to attend the funeral, don't make this decision lightly, you might end up regretting it.

Take care, my sympathies go out to you and your family.

Hi I lost my dad just a little over a year ago and I know exactly how you feel I just wanted to be alone then when I tried to share my feelings people would say you have to be more positive and my mom she just totally didn't want to share any part of it she cleaned out the house before his funeral and then asked me to take her to the bank on the day of the funeral it was so hard for me to even laugh at first but all that I can tell you it does get easier as time goes on I still have my moments but I can get through each day there is no time limit on grief and everybody grieves differently maybe try a support group with people who can understand what you are going through just remember don't be to hard on yourself and give your mom time she is probably trying to be strong for you and herself
Tracey

dude I know what you mean you got to deal with your pain your own way and when you feel like your mom is being heartless perhaps even selfish give her a hug and tell her how much you love her you may be surprised by how close you two get the pain of losing a loved one is tremendous and those who haven't lost someone close will never understand but your mom will she is just coping in her own way I hope that this helps you somehow and remember no matter what who's not here you must go on

My dad passed away September 18 2008. He was in hospice for 9 days and died the 9th morning at 5:30 am.. He was 55 years old. I am only 25.. It is very hard to understand and realize when it is their time. It is better to be thankful for the time you had with them, than to be angry of the time you will not have. You will always have time with the death a parent.The memories are worth a lifetime. It changed my life. I still am having a very hard time dealing with it. It is hard for me to work. The pressure is overwhelming. I am surprised I haven't just quite and took time for me.. The outside world may not understand your grief, your stress, your moods. Those who cannot understand have never been through what you have been through or are they do not have a heart... My dad died from liver disease, alcoholism. But I loved him and still do, very dear. As for your mom I agree you shouldn't and can't compare the lost between a mother's husband and the your dad. It is different in it's own way. Your mom lost the love of her life and her soul mate. You lost your idle, someone you looked up to and raised you. Yout both are hurt no doubt very deeply. I was upset at first cause one of my moms old boyfriend back in the day called her to see how she was holding up... Now they talk on the phone some. I felt outraged because my dad had only passed for 3 months.. But your mom needs someone to talk to. I had a real hard time with it. Finally I realised only because it was a male figure. You can have a friend of the opposite sex, without a dateing relationship. You and her both need someone to talk to. I am a bit late with this reply. I just found the forums tonight.. But I hope your life has got better and you are doing well. And sorry to answer your question with my Dad's death, but I hope I have related to you in some of your concerns. Best of luck to you and best wishes. :)

On Friday, my family buried my grandmother. She was 94, and dying for a long time. We were ready to let her go as we felt it was best for her. However, we had different ways of processing that she was finally gone. Ours is an Irish family, and the stereotypes of Irish wakes and funerals are based in some truths - they are filled with stories and laughter, but not to the exclusion of sadness and tears.

There is no right way to grieve, and you are not wrong to feel sad and to cry. Your mother probably regrets her actions toward you and you need to just forgive that she grieves differently than you do. Perhaps being stoic and having a "we knew he was dying, and well, that's life" attitude comes off as uncaring, but it probably isn't - it's hard to let feelings surface all at once. One can feel like if they permit the dam to break open and feel things honestly, they will never feel OK again. So give her the benefit of the doubt.

As for yourself, go to the funeral. Go through the motions. Observe how other people grieve without judgement - perhaps they haven't faced it yet. Perhaps their investment in your father's life was not as great as yours. Perhaps they already grieved for months. My mother and sisters said to me, "I haven't cried since she died because I've been crying for two years." They felt relief. They felt numb. THey felt exhausted. They felt it was unreal - my grandmother did not even resemble herself in the open casket. It didn't seem to be her.

We have a very, very large family. Some cried, some did really crazy and insensitive things, some laughed a lot, some were social secretaries, some were controlling, some self-aborbed jerks. All of us were grieving, and none of us should be faulted.

Your mother wants all these people around her - it makes her feel supported. They need to be around each other. But when the funeral is over, and you have done your bit coming and getting through it with everyone, you will have your time with her. Perhaps she can't give what you need now, and you have to be the bigger person and give what she needs through the funeral. When the newness dies down, and the casseroles stop being delivered, and the people go back home - your mother will be happy to sit with you and remember your Dad together.

Best wishes and my sincere sympathy.

Your Actions are completely normal... Your mom is most likely having a hard time dealing with the event herself which is why she might find it hard to discuss it with you. My dad died two years ago and I feel like my mother, my brother, my uncle, no one brings him up or discusses him, it feels as if he never existed... but maybe its easier for them to deal with it like that, everyone grieves differently, you need to respect your mother but at the sometime she needs to respect you, you look up to her as a parent for guidance. Is there anyone else in your family you could talk to, a grandparent, a cousin, a uncle, a close friend to your father, maybe even a teacher of yours. Take it slow... time helps. I found that music helps, whenever I need a good cry or to remember my dad I have certain songs I can play (if you like some names, just ask), I visit his grave and talk to him, whatever can make you feel at ease. I wish you the best with your grieving, its hard and takes time but always remember that their are others that you can talk to that can relate...

Dear one, you need to run not walk to the nearest Hospice and go into a Grief counselling group or perhaps with a Grief counselor one on one due to being so overwhelmed. Ignore all brutish boors on this site or anywhere else who wants to hand you a list of "Shoulds"... again, IGNORE THEM. In their case, Ignorance is obviously NOT bliss.. Give yourself LOTS of self-care and love and indulgences for the next several months, love. Your heart and soul have been wounded. Regardless of how long in advance you knew your loved one was dying, it is always a shock to your whole system and life when it happens. Please nurture yourself well and stay away from any family member who does not treat you right. Let your mother and others grieve the way they want to... sounds like your mother is hiding from the truth right now and acting irrational. But berating and being abusive to you is awful. Follow your heart and stay away from anyone who is abusive in any way. Take care of you.. let me know how you are.

I 'm sorry for you loss

I understand what your going through I just lost my dad 1wk ago from a horrible illness. It has also being very hard for me to deal with his death. But thank god that I have a very supportive family that its helping me to deal with his loss. I don't know what I would do with thought there support. Your family is the first people you turn to deal with the loss of a love one. Like you I also did't want to go to the funeral just by thinking I would see him in a cofin was hard. But as a daughter I agree to go and support my family. It tuck me and 1hr before I could go see my dad I cried and cried and spend 30min with him and I am glad I did because this is the last time a will see him. Lossin a parent is already very hard so do what ever your heart tells you that's the only way you will be happy.