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Hi, this is the first time I,ve ever felt like this and needed words of comfort from a forum but here goes. My dad aged 59 died 2 days ago at 7am on new years day after going into hospital for what we thought was a liver infection. He had felt tired and looked slightly jaundice for about 2 months but refused to go doctors and had been working hard renovating a thatched cottage in Devon England with me and was adamant he would go doctors when it was finished anyway the last two weeks he found walking hard as it was affecting his chest so we finally got him to hospital that was the worst day of my life seeing him struggling for breath and after loads of blood tests doctors said he had a very serious chest infection so he went into intesive care, 2 hours later we was told that he had a type of blood cancer which had affected his imune system causing a chest infection within 2 hours I was sitting with him as he died. He was heavily sedated at the end but I kissed him and told him I loved him I just hope he heard. He was may dad and best friend all in one and I seen him and spent nearly everyday with him. I know its only 2 days but i feel I,ve had my heart ripped out and can't get my head round not seeing him ever again. I hope he's gone to a special place as he was unbelievably special to me and had had a terrible year of worry so didnt deserve this. Im male 34 with a partner whos been fantastic and 2 children my mum is here as is my brother 26 and sister 28 but we all feel so so bad. Me and my brother intend to finish his cottage for him as it was his dream to do so. I want him back and just wish I had got him to go doctors earlier. Will things get easier because thinking I have no dad for the next 40 odd years is the worst thing imaginable. Thanks if you took the time to read this and relpy.
Good evening lazybass...
I am so sorry for your sudden loss. I can sit here, as I type and know how broken you feel right now. The pain of having somebody you love so much being taken away has you feeling lost, angry, fragile, scared, extremely sad and alone.
If I could somehow take away the pain anybody would ever have when it comes to the death of a loved one, I would. But I can't, nobody can. I know you already know that. I know right now you feel like you are in the middle of the ocean and you are drowning. Nobody is around, you can't see land. As you look up the clouds are black and heavy, the waves crash harder around you and you have no life vest. You are yelling out, screaming for help. Wishing you were anywhere then where you are right now. Am I close?
I know that pain, all too well. That sadness you feel and hopeless feeling you have is coming from the thought that nobody can help you. Nobody can take that pain you have in your gut, that knot in your throat, and that feeling that you are having a heart attack, go away.
When I read your post it was clear that you are a strong person. You have to be because you are here reaching out for all of us to hear you. Guess what sad one? We hear you and we can help you in numerous ways. We can share our personal stories, we can listen to yours, you can sign on when you just want to listen to some of us banter back and forth, or you can post anytime and we will be here to listen.
And guess what? As many others can tell you one day, when you least expect it, those storm clouds will clear. The waves will calm and the sun will shine. It will not be easy and everyday is a different kind of battle. We don't judge on here, you can be as moody as you like and somebody will still listen.
It's okay to feel this pain, it's so sudden and still so new. You have to be in shock and trust me there is no time restraints put on that. However, what you didn't lose, and can never be taken from you, are all those wonderful memories you have of your father.
Please don't make the mistake I did. I thought I should be able to handle this experience on my own. But this is when you need friends, family and even strangers the most. I kept my pain, and still do, very very private. I do this because it hurts too much to think about it. However, it only makes it worse, much worse. I found myself angry at people involved, cutting ties with almost all that knew. I began sleeping so rarely because each time I would close my eyes my nightmares would grow more intense. I played the blame game, the guilt game and everything in between.
And you what? It didn't help and it didn't make it all go away. So do as you are now by reaching out to anybody who will listen. You have found a wonderful site. There are so many wonderful people on here who will share some helpful ideas, ways to help you heal, some will make you smile and others will make you cry.
Just remember they are here, we are all here, and we care.....
I am terribly sorry that this has happened to you. You had no way of knowing your Dad was that ill and he was not telling anyone either. Please do not blame yourself.
You ask if this gets easier. Yes, it does. But it is not easy, no, it is not. You have a strong family relationship and that is going to sustain you and your family. Relying on others to help you through this sudden death is going to be a vital key part of living. My own Father died 11 years ago and there are times I am not still completely "over" his death. But I do believe this life held nothing for him anymore with as sick as he was.
Please allow yourself the time to grieve. Honor the memory of your Dad - finishing the cottage is a great way to do that. He will be encouraging you and your brother as you work on the cottage. There are always going to be something special in that cottage, about that cottage.
I know this is really too soon but please think of getting to a support group for grieving. If you cannot find one in your area, there is GriefNet - an online support group - GriefNet - A Community of Persons Dealing With Grief, Death, and Major Loss@griefnet.org There are other online support groups but I believe GriefNet is one of the best. You need to be able to talk to people and allow others to minister to you.
You and your family will be in my prayers. Take care.
I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words that I or anyone can say today that will really help with your loss, I understand completely. But as the grief and pain slowly stops, the loss will of course always be there.
But the big part is to always remember the great parts of his life, and to live your life as a honor to that memory, since as long has his memory lives in and though you, it never really ends.
Perhaps a alittle memorial on the home ( maybe the part of the house he was last working on) as a longer living reminder of what he meant to many I am sure.
And I am sure he is in that better place and you will most certainly see him on a much better day in the future.
Lazybass, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure your father heard you tell him you loved him, even though he was sedated (sp) Back when I was 16 (25 years ago) I stayed with my grandmother for a few weeks. Her and I were very close. I had gone back home one Saturday evening, and got a call the following Friday that she was in the hospital, not expected to make through the night. Of course, I went hauling tail to the hospital. I sat on her bed with her, for several hours, talking, caressing, telling her how much I loved her, etc.... I can still remember what her last words were to this day... "Rhonda please get me a cup of coffee, and be a good girl, because I'll be watching over you". She passed 20 minutes later. She didn't get that cup of coffee, cause the nurse didn't get it to us in time, but I did get to tell her I loved her. I set back and look through photo albums, and see her and my Pop-Pop's (grandpa) pictures and remember all the wonderful times I had with them. I do cry when I look at the pictures, but there happy tears. Don't remember how you seen your father those last few days/weeks of his life, remember the way he use to be.... fishing trips, ball games, vacations, how great a father/husband he was, etc....
I think it's a wonderful idea that you and your brother are finishing that cabin for him. He would have wanted you to, I'm sure.
Keep your family close now, for you all need each other at this time.
I, too, feel for you and what has happened. There is little to be said that would be of comfort right now.
I would think your father agrees.
He did what little he could do to calm you before he parted. I tend to think he'd rather not dwell on the negative and focus on life around himself.
I also think he felt you near him as he weakened. He may not have answered that day but you'll be surprised how he'll make you proud of not only yourself, but of him, too. I don't think you are going to be without him in the coming days and years... you will hear his words and his laughter periodically. You may not be able to shake his hand or give him a hug, but I have a feeling he's going to be by your side for a very long time. Giving you support and unseen guidance. If you hold your head up, you'll make him proud, too. You'll probably even feel him smile...
P.S.: can we have some pictures of the cottage when you get done with it? Thanks!!
LB, I am so sorry for your loss. I can truly feel your pain, as I am still getting over the loss of my father one week past his birthday this summer. There are truly no words that can express our sadness, and there are no words that we can say to help make this experience easier on you.
Although you hear it time and time again, I can assure you that time does heal. He will always be with you, if you let him. I talk to my father on a daily basis and feel his presence.
LB, it's important to remember the good things in your past, funny times that you shared, the happiness that you brought to each other. He will always be alive through your memory, keep him with you at all times.
It is good that you are going to finish the cottage. That will be a place you will hold dear in your heart and always feel close to him.
Family is very important right now, but please do remember, that with time, it does get easier.
Aww hun, I feel for you so much,I cannot say I know how you are feeling about your Dad as I still have mine, but I know how much I still hurt losing my Nan a whole year ago xmas day.I hope time is a healer, I think that you learn to live with the physical pain that comes from such terrible grief rather than get over it... I have to say that my mum made a memorial page online and I am sure its helped us all so much.My ten year old daughter regularly goes to light a candle on there or leave a memory she has remembered.Its called "gonetoosoon" .Maybe not yet but when you feel stronger,have a look. I am thinking of you, we are similar ages and I cannot imagine how life goes on in your situation,but it does hun. Take care xx
I wish there was something I could say to make your pain go away, but I know from losing my own Dad last year that having your dad back is the only thing that will make the pain go away.
Dear lazybass: I want to offer you my condolences and those for others who, for many reasons, may not be able to express to you their sorrow for your loss. You said he was both your Dad and best friend, and that is a wonderful description of someone who meant so much to you. Please understand that there are many who will read your note who believe that you will see and be with your Dad again. The feelings you have now are so fresh and real, your sense of loss intense; but hour by hour, and day by day, you will be strengthened by your family and friends, and by the wonderful memories you have for him. We all feel and want to share your sense of loss and pray for God's continued blessings for you and your family at this time.
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