On December 15, 2006 my daughter, Chloe Leigh, was born in Washington. She was by far the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I knew from that moment on I would give my life to make sure she had the kind of life I didn't and I did everything I could to be the best dad I could be. Month after Month the time went by making my love for her grow only stronger. Everytime I could hold her and listen to her laugh I knew this was a reason for living. Then on April 21, 2007 the most painful, horrifying nightmare I could imagine happened. I had to hold my daughter as she lay limp and dead in my arms. Her once beautiful face blue and cold as ice. I watched my whole family break apart and tear there hearts out trying to find a way to fix the only thing I really had left in my life. Not to say I didn't have my family, but I have led a life many would never understand let alone comprehend. I had her and she was an angel who reminded me that love was real and existed in myself. I remember every detail down to the feel of the warm air against my cold skin.
And now we come up on what should be my little baby's 12 month birthday. Everyone just seems to look past and not even see the pain that I go through. Indeed I am a master at hiding all my emotions and true feelings. But on the flip side of that comment. What makes this even worse, my 24 birthday in on Dec. 1, her 1 year on Dec. 15, Christmas on the 25, and then her mother's birthday is on April 06 and she passed away on April 21.
And I don't even know why I am writing on here, I can only tell you as I write this that my heart feels shattered and I don't even know how I deal with it from day to day. Everyone that knows or talks about it says how amazing I have handled this, if they only knew what tears feel like when they can't come out there eye's.
Then recently I was hit by a car as a pedestrian and have been unable to work for almost a month now and I will not be returning when my birthday comes around, so all I have been able to do is sit around and look at her urn on my mantle and think of ways I could have changed it all, how I could have been a better father.
How do I come back from this? I am so far behind finacially that it has stopped being a "I'll get to those bills next month." Her insurance walked away from the death saying that there was a clause that didn't require them to pay because we were visiting in OR and she passed away from SIDS. I have been off for a month so I am now behind in all my important bills.

I feel like I am just complaining on here. This is the first time in 5 months that I have written or said anything about it anywhere.

RIP CHLOE LIEGH
12/15/06 to 04/21/07
May you watch over us all!

Kenny

givemeabreak

My heart breaks for you. I am sorry that I have no words that I think will help you. I am so sorry for your loss and wish you the strength to keep going.

Xrayman

Kenny I understand how you feel, even though I cannot really comprehend something so painful. Chloe is a wonderful name, angelic for sure. She is looking after you-speak to her often. You are not to blame.

Keep writing, I noticed a great talent in self-expression in your writing (I'm a writer) and I wish I could write half as good as you. If you write here often, more and more help you will find, I'm certain. you can write to me specifically (PM) to just chat if you wish to-best wishes to you.

Hold Chloe's memory dear to your heart-she was on this earth for a short time, but she has influenced you and is your mentor forever-provided you exist and go on living the best you possibly can-seek out others, this can help.

Just as a side note, I would go to Oprah or similar about the insurance etc. regardless of the money, it's the principle-the red tape is realy bad. I'm sure that this would be an important issue for any other parents-perhaps you could help others (I'm sure Chloe would approve).

best wishes to you,
from Richard.