[confusedangel74]

Okay this is my first post but its going to be long.

Here's the drill...

I have been with my man 5 years. We get along good which is good, but there are a few kickers in this relationship.

1. his sex drive is so not there, in the 5 years we have been together, I can honestly count the times since he is never in the mood, he would rather watch TV or play with video games instead of spending quality time with me, and when I say he has no sex drive, I mean for anything not even forplay, and sometimes it goes as bad where he won't even kiss me a few times in a weeks timing.

2. his family are beyond horrible to me, they have treated me like crap from day one, and I'm a very nice person, they just don't like that there family member chose to have a life for himself and move on and move in with me.

3. we barely communicate, and when we do, especially as of lately all that happens is annoyance, fighting about all of the above that I just mentioned.

4. we have been engaged forever, and still no wedding date yet,he wants to wait until his family and well I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Our lease is up soon where we live, and honestly I don't want to renew it, because I feel very alone in this relationship, I feel like I'm single in so many ways. But its hard for me to get up and try and end things when I do love him, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. What makes matters worse is that I'm very sick, and I can't work fulltime so I can't exactly afford a place of my own so I'm in a big bind, and I'm so confused all at the same time. NO ONE should live without affection/attention. And NO ONE should have to beg for it, like I do. Its not like this is something that just started happening it has been happening for several years, and I feel like I've been single. I won't go and cheat that's not me, but its not me to not get affection/attention its truly not fair. And yes I talked to him about this a hundred times but things don't change, I even suggested going to counsling he said yes, but it never happened

SO HELP! :confused:

[throwaway]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. My ex girlfriend went through exactly the same as you are going through now.

I started to have doubts and withdrew, little things would annoy me and my sex drive when down.

We lived together too and it was to soon for us to do that, but I wanted to help her out as I was earning more then her and I wanted to help out.

Our communication became non existent towards the end. The difference is that we were not engaged and my family welcomed her.

It's sounds like our relationships have ran it's course and maybe it is time to accept that and move on. But I also believe in a second chance or talking it out. I was stuck in this rut and at first I welcomed the split. But after the break up I have realized the problems we had, why we both felt the way we did and regret that we had got beyond the stage of trying to work it out.

Since then I have done a lot of reading on here and a book on love and affection. I am working on being a better person for myself and wish I had acted earlier in our relationship.

Have you had a serious talk with your partner about this? I only realized the seriousness of it once she decided to leave me so I was devastated. I'd give anything to try again but know right now there is nothing to change her mind.

If you could talk about the subject in a tactful way without giving ultimatums maybe he will realize what hep stands to lose and you can both work on communication and being more affectionate. If he still does not want to acknowledge it then there is not a lot you can do. Maybe ask for space and stay with a friend or family for a while to see if time apart will help you both gather your heads.

I hope things work out for you both, I really do.

[positiveparent]

If he doesn't have a sex drive now then unless he wants help to find out why not then you're up against a wall, perhaps he was raised to think that sex was dirty it happens often too.

You could maybe suggest you and he go see a sex therapist, they are out there, but if you're in the USA you'll have to pay for one.

He really just might be a person who isn't ruled by thoughts of sex, he may have had a traumatic experience in his childhood, because that's where these things are usually formed.

Reading your post I got the feeling that you could take or leave this relationship, and I guess I can understand why, no woman wants a sex less life with her b/f or to feel her relationship is going no where.

I think that regardless of anything if you want to save this relationship then you will need to get some kind of counselling, either together or you on your own.

As for his family, don't let that interfere with your life you aren't the first female a family feels isn't good enough for their son, you won't be the last.

Its not his family who is living with him its you, and that's what counts.

You will have to sit down and talk to him, but calmly, don't make accusations like if you loved me you'd want sex etc, that's just going to put him on the defensive, and when you do talk to him, turn off the T.V. that's a conversation killer.

Also if he speaks or replies to you, let him finish what he's got to say, before you say anything in response, don't interrupt him, doing that merely means you weren't listening to him, let him speak and say what he has to say, then you speak.

Many people don't know how to listen really listen and that's why their relationships fail.

Good luck and I hope you can make some kind of headway, towards sorting this out, but really try to listen, really listen.

[confusedangel74]

Will reply to both of you more in a bit, but first thank you the two of you for your replies.

I have sat with him a lot of times more times than I can count with everything I just stated. He won't seek help (cousnler or sex theapist) It got to the point when we just celebrated our 5 year anniversary and I didn't even get a kiss.. nothing. I don't like being in this situation. My mom even got involved and spoke up because she is tired of the way his family treats me and how he doesn't pay attention to me in any shape or form. Anyway I will reply to you guys indivudally in a bit, he just got home.

[Devorameira]

You deserve someone who can be as affectionate towards you, as you are to them. You didn’t indicate your age, but you’ve been with him for 5 years, so he isn't going to change one little bit. You have to think about your future, and if you want to be happy, I mean really truly happy.

What are his reasons for not being affectionate? Have the two of you ever really talked about it? If he really loves you, he should want you to be happy.

I have zero tolerance when it comes to disrespect from anyone, and that includes my husband. You shouldn’t accept this behavior at any cost.

You are deserving of a great man, who will love you unconditionally, and show you how much you mean to him, while taking into consideration your feelings, and your wants.

No one deserves to be unhappy, or sad. It isn't wrong to put your feelings first, and your happiness first.

[confusedangel74]

Were both in our mid 30's that's why I so do not understand this at all.

And again I can't stress enough of how much we had talks about this, and it just causes arguments. Between his family telling me off all the time and always fighting with me every holiday for no reason what's so ever. To not getting any affection/attention at home from him. Sometimes when we do talk, he listens for a few days changes a little but then goes right back, it's the point where I really had enough. Again its unfourtante I have bad health where I can't work full time so its hard for me to even think about living somewhere else, and no family has extra space for me,and my mother lives in a nursing home. Its just scary. I do thank each one of you for your advice with this,sometimes you really need opinons from strangers people you don't know. Sometimes people even say to me, do you think he's gay? I'd be devistated if that was the case after 5 years being together but I wouldn't hold it against him at least I then would know. But I have had asked him that too and he is like no. Like take right now for instance he's been home maybe 2 hours, and since he's been home he has been watching TV, barely talking to me. Its unfair.

[talaniman]

we barely communicate, and when we do, especially as of lately all that happens is annoyance, fighting about all of the above that I just mentioned.

Lack of communications makes for many problems, and ruins ALL he important areas of a relationship

Again its unfortunate I have bad health where I can't work full time so its hard for me to even think about living somewhere else, and no family has extra space for me,and my mother lives in a nursing home. Its just scary.

I don't know what your health problems are, but somehow you better get independent enough to be on your own, as he will not change and is unwilling to even talk, so that says this ends, and maybe its your dependence on him that keeps him around.

You talk or move, as I see no other way out of this dilemma, but to make a life changing decision. He won't go to counseling with you, so seek help in changing your situation through social services, or the human resources department of the health department near you.

Sounds like this has been over a long time, and you both are lingering around waiting for the other to change something.

[positiveparent]

Have to spread the rep.

I agree with the above advice from Talaniman

If he refuses to consider getting help, and changes or improves after you have spoken in the past then he's not bothered about getting help, then that's it, you need to get something sorted about getting you a home away from him, you've done your best and he's not willing to do his so like above adviser has said, its over.

Also once you're out of this relationship always try to strive to keep a little of your independence at least, never leave your home and security up to another, because that leaves you very needy and vulnerable at same time, and that's a bad place to be in.

Why do his family keep on having arguments or goes at you, who is involving them, I get the feeling that the b/f hasn't yet untied the apron strings, could be wrong, but I fail to see why you are having contact without it being through the b/f.

Good Luck with this...

[confusedangel74]

Thank you again all of you.. Can't say enough how thankful I am due to this board. I will definitely try my independence and try and do things on my own, just sucks. I honestly feel like I've been single for several years, sad but true.

[positiveparent]

Good for you and I wish you all the very best, you'll be far more happy on your own this relationship is only bringing you down and making you unhappy, you'll find there is life after this b/f.

His loss will be another Mans gain, one who will love you for the woman that you are...

[confusedangel74]

Thank you that's very sweet for you to say! Its just also sad because he thinks/feels everything is fine with us eventho I mention these problems/issues all the time, I can tell he is still totally in love with me, and I totally am... out of love with him. Enough is enough you know?

[positiveparent]

Then sorry to say he has a wake up call coming his way, you've tried and given the relationship your best shot, he refuses to meet you even half way, so its not through anything you've done.

Relationships have to be worked at by both parties in them, one person cannot make a relationship successful without input and help from the other person, You've done all you can.

You've made the right choice, for you and that's how it should be when one lets the other do all the work its totally unfair.

Just remember the heart ache you've gone through in wanting to make it work.

Yes enough is enough...

[confusedangel74]

You're a terrific person, thank you so very much. I'll be honest I have been asking my close friends around here, and they all say a lot that all of you have been saying, that's a big reason I came here so I can get imput from people who don't know me to make sure I'm not delusional and thinking I'm overreacting or something.. I don't think I am though.

[positiveparent]

Thank You and always remember you can come here anytime.

If you feel yourself weakening or feeling you can't do this or can't do that come back here and Ill help you over those periods as will others here, its what we`re here for and what you can class as a form of support for you if you feel you need us.

Just holler. LOL

Good luck, I know you'll do good...