[fix-what-you-broke]

This may be long...
I think I am moving on from my past, but things get in the way. I feel like I cannot enjoy life, don't get me wrong I'm happy, but I feel I shouldn't be, like I don't deserve it.
Without going into all the gory details...

My mother had been a drug addict for as long as I can remember. She was over protective, demanding,moody,unpredictable,un trustworthy, basically everything a mother shouldn't be. She stopped taking me to school so it was left up to my grandparents.I was always late, and didn't do my homework because I was too tired after mum taking me out the night before searching for drugs.

When I was six, she wanted some coke and couldn't find anyone to watch me so she took me with her, the guy refused to sell to her because I was there (I was 6 at the time), mum took me to a friend of hers and told him to watch me.. he was a stranger to me,but she left me anyway and went to pick up her drugs.. the thing is she forgot to pick me up so I was there all night. That night the 56 year old stranger raped me.

That was brushed under the carpet,and forgotten about,and I was later told when I got older by my mother that she didn't believe me.She put me in the car and drove me to his house, and made me go in alone and appologize to him for ruining HIS life.

She stopped taking drugs when I was 17, but the stuff she put me through, I can't forgive her. I wasn't allowed to have sleepovers, parties, boyfriends, and even regular friends it seems,I was locked in my room for days on end,if she knew I liked something she would take it away.. eg... after she took away my TV, I started to draw,she took away my paper/pens etc so I couldn't do it,she once bought me a puppy,I loved that dog so much, it was my refuge,she saw me get attatched to him for 7 months,then I came home from school one day and she had sold him, just little things like that.

The thing is, I am 26 now, and all this is still affecting me. I can't explain it, I have not seen her since last November,not even spoken on the phone, and I live 250 miles away from her, but its still there for me. I know I can never forgive her, but how do I move on? No matter what she is my mother, and yes, I will always love her in my own way, but not as a mother?? I don't even know if there is a question I have as such, just needed to get stuff off my chest and if anyone wants to lend me their thoughts I thank you in advance

[rankrank55]

I was really moved by your post. Honestly, I'm not sure how you could move on; you have to find that within yourself. In order to find this strength you must forgive your mother, not for her, for you. You don't even have to tell her you forgive her but you must be able to do this for yourself. Just remember that forgiveness is not for the wrong doer, it is for YOU and YOU ONLY!! I wish I could have more to say to you because I couldn't imagine how you must feel but their isn't really a definite answer anyone could give you. Forgive and keep posting; support is always great! :) :)

[talaniman]

What a lousy curve life has thrown at you. I know its difficult with this always in your mind, but don't try to go through the healing process alone. A professional can guide you, or a trusted older person to just listen. Talking will help put this in a place you can see it wasn't your fault at all, and get it out of your system. Even the issues that sprang from this will be better put in perspective, as it sounds like your early isolation, has them buried deeply, and needs to be dealt with. I think you're a tough person, and hope you find a professional to guide you, and you can always vent here, or PM me if you need to. Reaching out is a good first step to getting help, and moving on. Much Luck.

[AKaeTrue]

I think talaniman's post says it all. I would have said the same.

Just want you to know that I read the post and that I'm really sorry
For the things you had to go through in your childhood.

And of course if you need to vent and get things off your chest,
We're here for you.

Kae

[chaplain john]

I too was moved by your post and agree with the three posts above mine. Hate/unforgivness are like cancers that just eat away at you. Find a way to forgive (as rankrank55 says) not for her but for yourself. Talking about things always helps If you can find a Chaplain at one of the local hospitals or call the local Police Department and ask for their Chaplain you will find a trained listener who is bound by "privilege" and will not discuss your problem in any way that will identify you. I suggest that just in case you can't afford professional therapy. Also because many Chaplains have taken at least a few stress management courses and you probably are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress. We often have access to resources in our own local areas that might be of help.

[fix-what-you-broke]

rankrank55--I once tried to forgive her, she called me on the phone to appologize for everything, and I accepted her apology, then the next time she spoke to me she denied everything that happened and told me to prove to people she was on drugs. I know that I have to move on as it affects everything in my life..

talaniman--my partner has been fantastic for me,in the past he has let me talk to him,even though it has upset him to hear the details,and he has cried along with me and helped me through it.I noticed your posts before I joined the site and you always seem to give good advice..

Akaetrue--thankyou, I guess I have made a start with this post, I guess it can only get easier with time..

chaplain john--thankyou for your suggestions, I will certainly look into it, I already had counseling... I was forced to, I ran away from home three times to get away from her, and the cops took me back there three times, after that I had to go to counseling.maybe I need to go again as it obviously didn't help me in the way it should have.

Thank you to you all for answering.

[Allheart]

Wow Fix – I too and moved like the others. I feel so fortunate to have read many of your post here, and believe you me, you are more than special.

My heart cries for you and I know somewhat your pain. Having hurt from your Mom's hands is a great deal for a child to overcome.

I read where you have had counseling. Don't be discouraged if it didn't “fix” you, so to speak. It may be good to throw yourself into research finding the best darn councilor out there who specializes in this type of sorrow and pain.

One thing I will share with you, I don't with many, but I guess I am now, because Fix I feel you are more than worth my sharing. I too have been hurt by my Mom. Her drinking, the beatings, her mental and physical abuse, the feeling of her hatred towards me. But I tell you what, there is one place that she did not damage, and that is my soul. And fix yours is not either. You are darn right we are worth every happy moment that we are now blessed to receive. Fix, that is a place to start, I would think. Write down every blessing you feel in your heart that you have and learn to embrace them, enjoy them and more importantly know that you deserve them. For me, just opening up the front door every night knowing that no beatings are going to take place, is a huge joy and blessing for me and I am tickled every time I open that door. When I do share with only those very close to me, I demand that they do not pity me, as there is nothing to pity. I am quite proud of myself that I am who I am today (although most of it, if not all, I attribute to God watching over me ). You should be so proud of yourself too.

Mom has since stopped drinking and we now have a wonderful relationship. Have I forgiven her? Oh yes absolutely. I have nothing but love for her and well, sadness as well. I can not imagine what it must feel like to know what you have done to 5 beautiful girls. Would have near kill me. We never talk about it and that is just how I want it. Alcohol is a disease as well as drug addition. I hate the disease that had my Mom treat us the way she did, but I love her and cherish those positive moments that we did manage to squeeze in during my childhood. Fix, I never was sexually abused and I am not so sure I would be so forgiving, if that took place, the way it did for you. But for your own healing, forgiveness would be something that would help heal some of the wounds.

Fix, these life events are a part of us and we don't want to remove that from who we are. We want to grow from these experiences, incorporate them into who we are and be darn proud that we did survive and not only did we survive, our hearts are now filled with such compassion and caring for others who feel any type of pain. We have something to contribute and we are special.

Bless you Fix as I said, your post have already touched my heart as well as this one. Concentrate on healing and accept that fact that you do indeed deserve to heal, to be loved, to give love and allow the world to experience that very special person that you are.

Sorry if this is not making any sense, but you truly have touched me with this post, I want so much to help and I can feel it in the very core of me that your internal strength is more
Than most and more than you even realize.


For my own healing, I just prayed and kept the experiences so near and dear to me and ony shared with those that I knew would not pity me and basically would just listen. Maybe only a handful of people know. Not because I am ashamed, because that is a precious part of me and needs to be treated as such. Additionally, I refuse to allow the hurt to continue, to allow what has been done to continue to put me down. I put a cork in that bottle and refuse to let the pain of the past continue to hurt and harm me. I try my best to only surround those who love me :), who are genuine and kind that won't add to my wounds, but will help to heal, by having their love.

Loving yourself fix, truly loving yourself is the first place to start.

My very best to you.

Allheart

[ordinaryguy]

Allheart-- Tried to rate you, but apparently I've built up a surplus. Your post is a caring and beautiful gift to fix-what-you-broke.

fix-what-you-broke-- You are carrying a load that most people would buckle under. The fact that you're still standing is testament to your strength and determination and integrity as a person. Ditto about forgiving her and getting counselling to help you heal. It will be a lifelong process, but don't be discouraged by that. This life experience qualifies you to help others in ways you never could otherwise. Allheart is living proof of that. Bless you.

[fix-what-you-broke]

Allheart--i don't know where to start,that was some post you did there and it gave me a lot to think about. I am thinking of having counseling again,it can't hurt.
I seem to question things about people, I asked one day if I could go to a friends house after school when I was around 12, mum turned into her moody self and told me she was the only friend I needed,messed with my head.
I officially moved out @ 16, when I say moved out I mean ran away again, this time I didn't go back, didn't see mum for a year,then was foolish enough to let her back into my life.
I was pregnant at the time,and she managed to wear me down again back into my shell.
Things continued,she was very over protective, phone me up to 6 times a day to see what I was doing, who I was talking to, if I didn't answer the phone she would come to my house.
One day when my son was 2, both me and mum were in my sons bedroom finding a toy he wanted, I remembered it was in my room so I TOLD MUM TO WATCH MY SON AS THE GATE WAS OFF THE STAIRS. As soon as I got in my room I heard this bang and I swallowed my heart, my son was lying at the bottom of the stairs, he wasn't moving.
Mum blamed me for that saying I was a bad mother as I wasn't watching him, he was fine, but I went into shock for two weeks.
It feels weird posting all this.
Allheart, I know the feelings you described, the feeling of dread when I realized I was alone in the house late at night, the bigger feeling of dread when she would get home.
It sounds like you are at peace with what happened to you, not over it,I don't know if you will ever truly be, but you seem to be coping very well with everything.thankyou for everything that you wrote...

ordinaryguy--my strength is a mask I have learned how to live behind.if people ask how I am, I tell them I'm doing great,when really I'm hurting inside, it has always been that way,I would confide in mum about things when I was younger, and no matter what I told her, she would tell everybody, I didn't feel like we had any kind of relationship or trust, I once told her I was pregnant for a second time, and told her I didn't think I could have this baby, I have my reasons, my son had a very bad speech problem for years, he has asthma, I didn't think I would cope, I told mum not to tell anyone until my mind was made up, the next day I went to see my grandparents and grandad told me I had made the right decision by not having the baby.. my trust for mum was lost again.
Now at my age, it is like a millitry operation to get me to open up and talk,my partner has the patience of a saint, and if nothing else good ever comes out of my past, at least I can say in him I have found ONE person in this world that I would trust with my life.

You all have given me good advice and stuff to think about, I thank you all.

[Allheart]

Oh Fix - I thank you for sharing, allowing me to share and accepting that I did share. It is kind of funny, as to get me to open up, is plum close to a miracle.

Yes, have peace as far as, all those awful things Mom said about me and my sisters. I know I am not those things and I have peace knowing that it was her illness and not her. The wounds just serve as a reminder to me, that when a bump in the road of life happens (bills, bad hairday, moody boss, or days where it seems like everything is falling apart, )the wounds are a reminder that guess what life.. Been through worse and survived :).

Sounds like your Mom can sometimes still be so unhealthy and the little girl in you, bless you, still has a flame of hope that she will be like all other Moms. I understand.

Fix I caution you about continuing to carry Mom's unhealthiness. That is her load. The greatest most wondeful thing about being an adult, is now we get to make our choices, we get to decide, it is no longer done for us, by someone so unhealthy and incredibly sick. We are now in the driver's seat. I would not recommend completely shutting yourself off from Mom, but when you sense unhealthy coming at you, cut it off until another day. When I currently sense it with Mom, it may be days before I phone her back, sometimes sadly weeks. I take that time to strengthen inside so I can counteract her unhealthy ways.

Bless your hubby, I truly believe he is a gift to you. But you remember your beauty is a gift to him as well.

I so understand what you mean about counseling. I never have gone. I have talked to priest before (not about this) but other things, years ago and I did feel wonderful. But I know what you mean, talking about it brings back a whole lot of hurt, or brings it to the surface. There are people out there who specialize just in this area, so it would be sad to suffer when you don't need to.

Just keep surrounding yourself with those that truly love you, so the wounds can try and close up just a bit. Remember how very special you are. To be quiet honest, I spotted it from your very first post. Let your light shine Fix.

[daisysmiles]

Oh darlin, how hard this is for you. I wish I could have been there for you. I am a mother and I loved and protected my kids every day of their life. I see children like you everyday who never felt that kind of safety and devotion. But you are worthy of it!! You are special and what it will take is for you to realize that your stronger than you know and that your worth all the healing and time. Every one of has issues, whether others admit it or not. Some not as hard as yours, but every of us should be in therapy for one thing or another. Your not alone, behind all these closed doors, there are millions of us who have our own mountains to climb or bridges to cross. Get a great counselor who listens to you and wake up everyday knowing your special and people do care about you. Your past is not who you are, its merely a stumbling block in your future. Get help and prove how strong you are. Your mother will have to deal with her own demons. Take care and be safe!

[chaplain john]

Fix
You said in one post that your strength is a mask that you hide behind. I think you disparage yourself when you say that. There is a saying "That which does not kill me makes me stronger". It is so very true! In your case if you were not truly strong as the toughest steel you would not have survived. When you reach your "place of strength and healing" you may find that you will be reaching out to others who have come through hurtful things as some here have reached out to you. When that happens I hope you will remember what I am about to say.
My story is very different from yours but I will tell a little of it to give background for what I say.
I felt that I was "called to preach" while still in high school and like many who feel that call I turned around and ran as hard as I could. It took me thirty years to come around and answer that call. I won't bore you with any details because it is enough to say that I have done things of which I am not proud.
One day, after I had finally passed my "Waterloo" and chosen to do what I was originally called to do, I was lamenting the time I had wasted in my run from my calling when my Senior Pastor turned to me and told me this: "The time that you spent has uniquely equipped you for the ministry that you do today."
So what I'm trying to tell you in this round-a-bout way is like you have been told before find the little blessings that you have had that enabled you to survive (like the time you did have with that puppy and the joy it brought you) and the blessings that you do have (like coming home to someone with the patience of a saint... Who obviously does love you very much if he displays that kind of patience [after all we men aren't really known for our patience and forbearance]). One day you will look back and realize that you truly are "a pearl of great value" and are uniquely equipped to help others to find their way through this maze we call life!

[fix-what-you-broke]

Just curious to know, if any of you were me, would you go back there, I mean to live? Under any circumstances?

[ordinaryguy]

just curious to know, if any of you were me, would you go back there, i mean to live? under any circumstances?

Go back to live with your mother? Or do you mean just in the same town, or what? I don't know, 250 miles seems like a nice healthy buffer zone to keep from getting dragged back into that stuff on a regular basis. I suppose it could be OK to be in the same area at some point, but it seems like you could use a few more years of healing to get your foundation more solid under you first. Why do you ask? Are you considering it? What does your partner think?

[chaplain john]

I would tend to agree with ordinary 250 miles IS a good buffer. That's between four and five hours to reflect on whether this trip is necessary and/or advisable. It sounds like you are getting along toward some healing... Give yourself (and your mother) plenty of healing time before going home. Discuss a move like that with your other half very well before making any decision. Also talk it over with your Pastor, Counselor or Therapist (who knows your history) sometimes a few days or even hours can undo months or years of therapy.
Blessings,
Chaplain John

[talaniman]

What was the chemistry between you the last you saw your mother, and what is her health like now? The only moving I would consider is for a better life with my partner, so the two of you would have to make a decision like that together.

[fix-what-you-broke]

I am not strong enough to give all the details yet, thank you all so far, I will repost to this thread when I am a little stronger.thanks again.

[Allheart]

Fix - You take all the time you need. In the meantime, here is a huge hug. I hope you can actually feel it :). As I am just so proud of you. Do you know how truly wise it is, to know when to pull back from opening up and when to open up. It's all a part of healing.

Not saying I do it the right way. But that is how I do heal. When I feel the wounds are just too exposed, I just stay a little closer to myself. See, ourselves, is one person that we know for sure, that we can truly trust and be honest with and won't judge nor neglect or reject. So you take as much time as you need, but know that we are always always here for you.

All my heartfelt best to you fix. You are one amazing girl and I truly am proud of you.

Allheart

[fix-what-you-broke]

Thank you brandy for my first red box.. I am glad my life amuses you enough... I thought that's what forums were for, for helping and to get help... obviously I cannot do both.