how do i help someone addicted to coke that one day wants help and the next day dont want help. its killing me to see the love of my life killing himself. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment were not together coz he says he dont like himself and doesn't want me to see him in that way.he is my first love and i am his so i cant just walk away but its hurting so much to not, really dont know wot to do anymore.

Leave him absolutely alone or he will destroy your life. Until he decides for himself to actually get help you are in danger yourself. Sorry, but the best way for you to help him is to leave him alone, and let him hit his rock bottom.

Leave him absolutely alone or he will destroy your life. Until he decides for himself to actually get help you are in danger yourself. Sorry, but the best way for you to help him is to leave him alone, and let him hit his rock bottom.


but he has hit rock bottom,he lost his house,car,me.and a month ago his nan died and she was more like his mum.he wants help but his pride gets in the way of askin for it. any more advice wud b gratefully recieved.

He has to WANT to help himself up from rock bottom. But he hasn;t hit rock bottom, because he still has you. For both your sakes, you need to CUT HIM OFF until he begins to help himself.

how do i help someone addicted to coke that one day wants help and the next day dont want help. its killing me to see the love of my life killing himself. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment were not together coz he says he dont like himself and doesn't want me to see him in that way.he is my first love and i am his so i cant just walk away but its hurting so much to not, really dont know wot to do anymore.
You know what? If he loves you a lot and he would change himself for you, then he should still be loving you, and be with you matter what. He should change to become a good boy again, and be by your side. Thats what I did with my boyfriend and it really happened him understand the real him, and we been together more than one year and he loves me a lot and same with me..Good Luck!!!

but he has hit rock bottom,he lost his house,car,me.and a month ago his nan died and she was more like his mum.he wants help but his pride gets in the way of askin for it. any more advice wud b gratefully recieved.

If he hasn't asked for help, he has not reached rock bottom. That's the whole point, as rock bottom will either make him seek help or not. Until he does leave him alone. Sorry but you can get the facts thru your local Al-Anon group, or go to Narcotics Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous to get the facts about addiction which I strongly urge you to do.

If you stay with this guy while he is using you are enabling him. As talaniman has suggested you should regularly attend Al-Anon meetings as well as go to a few open meetings at a Narcotics Anonymous and a Alcoholics Anonymous group. This will give you a much better understanding of what you are up against and arm you with the tools that you need to best help him.

The best thing that you can do is tell him that he is out of your life until he has gone to some sort of program and has been clean for 3 months or more. Then the choice is his. You really need to let him hit rock bottom in every way. As long as there is someone there like you, or something (such as his job, car, apartment, etc.) then he has not hit rock bottom. He needs to feel like he has lost everything because of his addiction THEN he needs to want to pull himself up out of that. You aren't abandoning HIM... you are abandoning the addiction and effects of it.

Al-Anon will also give you an incredible amount of support through all of this. I urge you to go to 3 or 4 meetings before deciding that it's not for you. Either way, you definitely need to attend a couple of Narc-Anon and AA meetings so that you can hear what made/makes a difference to recovering alcoholics and drug users, the excuses and lies they tell, and the reasons why they don't quit.

Remember, not only are you enabling and hurting him if you don't back away and let him fall, but you are in an incredible amount of danger. That world is not a pretty one.

I wish you luck, love and happiness and I believe you can find it if you follow the popular advice here, educate yourself about the addiction and stay strong.

Hugs, Didi

how do i help someone addicted to coke that one day wants help and the next day dont want help. its killing me to see the love of my life killing himself. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment were not together coz he says he dont like himself and doesn't want me to see him in that way.he is my first love and i am his so i cant just walk away but its hurting so much to not, really dont know wot to do anymore. I'M VERY SORRY ABOUT WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH. HONESTLY THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO. HE HAS TO WANT TO GET HELP AND NOT YOU OR ANYONE ELSE CAN MAKE HIM DO THAT. TOUGH LOVE IS THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO. TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM BUT CANT BE WITH HIM OTHER WISE YOU WILL BE TAKEN ON A ROLLER COASTER RIDE THAT YOU DEFINATLY DONT WANT TO GO ON. DRUG ADDICTION IS A HORRIABLE THING AND A PERSON IS ON DRUGS EVENTUALY THAT IS THEIR ONLY PRIORTY DRUGS AND MORE DRUGS. I'M REALLY SORRY BUT YOU SHOULD JUST LET HIM GO HE HAS TO LEARN ON HIS OWN AND IF HE GETS CLEAN MAYBE THEN YOU CAN START OVER. GOOD LUCK AND BY THE WAY I AM A RECOVERING COKE/CRACK ADDICT SO I KIND KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

thanks for all the feed back.i took the adivce and today was going to b the start of leavin him alone but i was on bus on way back from town and i saw him walking to town and he looked so down,i just cant do that to him,plus he wouldn't believe me, i cud tell him its over and every think but he knows me too well and will know i dont mean it.

Then maybe you should mean it! For your own good as well as his! Its that important. You don't have to tell him anything just leave him alone. Don't allow him near you. Sorry.

thanks for all the feed back.i took the adivce and today was going to b the start of leavin him alone but i was on bus on way back from town and i saw him walking to town and he looked so down,i just cant do that to him,plus he wouldn't believe me, i cud tell him its over and every think but he knows me too well and will know i dont mean it.

This is very sad... obviously you don't love your boyfriend. If you did you would allow him to be down, allow him to feel bad about being an addict, mean what you say and get him to that place where he knows the only way out is to get straight. As long as you don't mean what you say and refuse to let him take responsibility for his own actions you are enabling. Enabling him is just like handing him the drugs to kill himself with. It's too bad your love isn't strong enough. I hope you are prepared to bury him, too.

Didi

You Really Have To Just Let Him Go. Please Do You Best And Be Strong! It's Not Easy But You Will Get Trough It!

ive done it, i said to him that i cant be there anymore for him,that he has to do it on his own,he said that he thinks that there isnt any futhure for us any way. i truely believe that he is lying.but i told him exactly how i was feeling and how much he hurt me. havent seen him for one month and haven't spoken to him for nearly two weeks.now he has got no one.he should now hit his rock bottom.he still has a lot of my stuff that he knows is very important to me.i told him as soon as i get my stuff the quicker i can move on.still havent heard anythink.do u think he is hanging on to it for a perpose.

how bad are withdrawals from coke, and how long usually will it take to be free of the symptoms.

It can take years, it depends on how bad he wants to be clean, and how hard he works at it.

Okay you are on the right track. Good for you. As far as him holding your stuff, that is not important to him. What is important is the next buzz, the next high and where now to get the money to buy that high. That is all he can concentrate on.

As far as the withdrawals go. They last 3 - 5 days for cocaine and they include general fatigue (tiredness), apathy (feeling sorry for himself), depression, drowsiness, irritability and paranoia. Now understand that these symptoms are for physical withdrawals, not mental or emotional withdrawal.

Cocaine is a drug that becomes addictive more psychologically than physically. Once the physical withdrawals are over, he has a lifetime battle staying away from the emotional aspect of cocaine.

Addiction is a lifetime disease and there is no cure.

he has always been honest about his addiction although addiction causes u to lie,which i no.
he said he aint done any 4 over two weeks and was finding it really hard.and said he wanted to b on his own and left alone,so i left him alone.then i asked how he was doin sum days later and he didnt text bk so i asked if he was ok coz i was worried and thats wen he said he has to rebuild his life and dont think he can ave any kind of a relationship for a long time,and said i shud move on.is it possible that he has gone back on to cocaine a feels like he has let me down again and that i deserve beta.and feels sorry 4 himself.

Sweetie, it is hard to say what he has done. He may have gone back on the coke, or he may be trying to finally make a go of it. But such is the life of an addict.

You need to cut all ties. No Contact. No calls, no texts, no e-mails, NOTHING.

Start to rebuild your life. You have been in an unhealthy situation for a while. Time to get yourself healthy again.

also he wont face me. is it wrong to think that he wont face me coz he loves me and cant stand wot he is doin.plus at the moment i dont think he believes that im not going to be there in the long run.but i no only time can prove that.

Leave him! If he loved you or cared about you he would straighten the hell up!! If he wont face you, he doesn't care about anyone about except himself and the drugs. He's going to hurt you even more then you are hurt now if you keep tagging along with his stupidity.

if he is making a go of it, do addicts normally get there old personality back,be as they were before they started the coke.

Yes, true. Just let him go for awhile. Let him find himself without the drugs. When he's clean, try it agian. You just got to be strong babydoll.

You shouldn't put yourself in a place where he has the opportunity to face you. No contact means just that, no contact. Only he can help himself, there is no one on the face of the planet that can help him, but him.

Most likely he is ashamed and embarrassed of what he has become. But if you leave him totally and completely alone, he may come to that conclusion on his own.

Do you see how his drug addiction is hurting you? Notice HIS addiction is hurting YOU.

He will never be cured. NEVER. Addiction is a life long battle.

Ask yourself if this is the life you want to live. Ponder that. Because if you stay with him one or more of a few things will happen:

You will become addicted
You will become abused, physically, emotionally or mentally
You will bury him.

I know those statements are hard to comprehend, but that is the reality of addiction.

He has to face this monster on his own now. He said his peace, so let him battle this without constantly hounding him to see if he is okay, to see if he needs anything, etc.

That just makes the battle harder to win.

thanx,as long as there is hope that he will be as he was im fine with that.

He will never be the same Kazzz, He is an addict, he will always be an addict. There will always be a craving for the drug.

Nothing in his life will ever be the same as it was before he became addicted.

really appreciate everyones advice.still dont understand the full thing on addiction and stuff and ave read so much on it. also if he was to see me, i know he wud just throw his arms round me,coz thats wot he did b4.but we do live far enough apart to not bump into each other. except at the job centre,lol.i just want to slap him,shake him and say wot the hell are u doin.i no that wont help but it wud make me feel beta.thanx again all

i understand that but coz he is my first love guess im just really hopein that coz he loved me b4 the coke that he will love me after the coke.

Hun, right now he just loves the coke. Leave him completely alone. totally, completely. Let him get better by himself. You are only hindering him now, making it harder for him to get clean.

Go to an Al-Anon or Narc Anon meeting they will help you understand this much better.

sounds silly i no,but i wud be prepared for every think just to b with him.

i will never be an addict i ave never been interested in even trying them coz i no they destroy ur life.most ive ever done is smoke fags,dont even drink sounds quite boring for a 23 year old really.lol

funny thing is i no most of wot ur all sayin,and ave stopped all contact with him,its hard but im doin it.just makes a difference wen other people say it.

thanx again all

Quitting coke is not an easy thing to do, but you need to understand that you can not help him. the only thing is that you will go down with him. I am not trying to sound mean or heartless but how does you hitting bottom with him.. help it ? and that is what will happen.
Some things a person has got to do alone. After the signing into re-hab then perhaps your support will help him, but until he helps himself .. all you can do is stop seeing him or hit bottom with him.

You Only have one thing to do.. Chose do u think trying to help or even loving him will ever make him stop.. NO! it wont.. drugs are addictive and if he wanted to stop he could get help and he wont..dont tell urself he will change or he will stop.. because 9 times outta 10.. he wont.. Ive been through something kinda like this.. and if u want a life that doesnt involve drugs.. u have to get away from it... and realize there is something better out there u just havent had time to find it yet

thanx and i do understand wot u r all sayin, i do believe tho that he will get off it,if he aint already.he been doc's and got anti-depressants and a number 4 counciling.dont no if he is going to it or taking the tablets but i do hope so.and i cant help but hang on to that 1% that he will change.it gets me through the day,so at the moment i got to do it.

Oh kazzz, Please reconsider your last post and get a life that you enjoy without him, as he may never recover and if he does, it could take years before he can maintain his recovery and be clean for any length of time. Waiting on his maybe changing may not be healthy for you right now, as you must heal also from what he has already put you thru. Please consider it at least.

ave considered it,but at the moment i need to belive this to get thru,coz other wise im gonna go mad,and had thoughts that i shudnt ave.
dont get me wrong if i went out for drink and i met sumone and a felt a spark i wouldnt say no.

i feel that at the moment there is still sumthink to hang on to.
i was with a self harmer b4,i never loved him,thought i did at time but realised that i was in unhealthy relationship so i got out of it.
i now no wot it is too love some one,and i cant give up on him just yet.
think the best thing 4 me to do is to carry on with this site,ave no contact with him.sort my life out and c how its goes with him.he cant hurt me anymore than wot he has.
wot do u think?

I think yor wasting your time with false hope, instead of positive healing action, to get healthy, and make better decisions.

how do i help someone addicted to coke that one day wants help and the next day dont want help. its killing me to see the love of my life killing himself. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment were not together coz he says he dont like himself and doesn't want me to see him in that way.he is my first love and i am his so i cant just walk away but its hurting so much to not, really dont know wot to do anymore.
give him his space and continue to pray for him. Sometimes as women we need to give our men space and pray.

well i ave to learn from my owm mistakes. i cant ave a life full of wot ifs.

I cant see any "what ifs"in this situation. If you feel you have to learn from your own mistakes, why are you asking for advice?
I think you know why. You know this is self destructive and all the sympathy you get from any source will never turn your situation around. It will only hurt you more. As for once being a self harmer, I see this as a good way to get back into that behavior. No one wants that to happen to you. Your cry for help has been heard and I commend you for that.
Everyone has tried to help you. You are on page 4 of people giving you very good advice, but you are right... in the end you have to live with your own decisions.
I hope that you soon see the hopelessness of trying to change anyone before they are ready to change. That alone will help you get thought many of life situations.

u ave miss understood,i was not a self harmer and wud never do that,ive got a lot of good wot ifs and bad wot ifs.
wot if he does get clean and every think is ok.
wot if he dont.
wot if i do move on.
wot if i dont.
wot if this and that, and i think only time will tell,i might b wrong i might be right but i will never know until i try.

Kazzz, there is nothing for you to do, but get a happy life for yourself. Even he as sick as he is has told you that.

Kazzz,

Hun, please read this:

i was with a self harmer b4,i never loved him,thought i did at time but realised that i was in unhealthy relationship so i got out of it.

Do you understand that this man is a self-harmer too? The only difference is that his scars are internal. They are not visible.

Whether he snorts, smokes, or shoots his coke, he is self-harming. He is also self-medicating. He has problems that he is hiding from by using coke.

he been doc's and got anti-depressants and a number 4 counciling.dont no if he is going to it or taking the tablets but i do hope so.

I hope he does not take the tablets while using his coke. It is a very dangerous combination. One that could permanemtly mess his mind up.

i cant ave a life full of wot ifs.

This is exactly the life you are living by staying with him.

What if he gets high enough he overdoses and dies.

What if he starts stealing to get the money to afford his habit.

What if he kills someone in a drug induced psychosis (Don't tell me it doesn't happen, I just spent the day in a state mental hospital (forensic unit) with men who raped and murdered in a psychosis induced by cocaine).

What if he starts shooting up, if he isn't already and gets AIDS and gives it to you.

I have a lot of other "what ifs" but the list is to long.

wot if he does get clean and every think is ok.

Everything will never be okay, never again. He is an addict and will always be an addict. Sure he may get clean and be sober. But sobriety after addiction brings on a whole other set of problems. He will ALWAYS crave the drug. That craving will remain with him the rest of his life.

By staying with him you are enabling him. You are letting him know that it is okay that he hurt himself, and you for that matter.

Sometimes the only way an addict gets clean is to lose everything and everyone they have.

If you really want to help him, you must leave him. This will not only help get him on the path to sobriety, but will help you begin to heal too.

You don't see how his addiction is hurting you, but it is clear to us.

It is clear that you have a very low self-esteem otherwise you would know that you deserve better. You need to get yourself help, seek some counseling even if it is just Narc Anon. You need to learn that he is hurting you and that you are better than this.

Kazz, I am sorry, I did misread your posts.

The thing is.. you are a self harmer by staying with this man.
I agree with J_9.. this man will never be OK and you harm yourself and him by enabling him.

You have got to get out and seek a new life. I know that can sound scary but it can also feel very good to depend on yourself
.
There are a lot of self help groups and some very good counselors out there. Why not try one of them. You may see every thing in a different light. It can't hurt and it may help.
The path you are on now can only lead to pain.

im not with him and havent had contact with him for over a week now,its really hard,but doin it,
went shopping today bumped into his mum and then hrs later bumped into his bro and his girlfriend and there new baby and i wanted to use that as an excuse to txt him but im not going to now matter how much i want to.
and his bro is the spitting image of him just younger.
and got job interview monday and its a six day a week job so hopefully i will get it and that will keep me busy.

yeah he knows exactly wot he is doin and knows i deserve beta.and it probably is my insecurities and lack of self asteam that is making me go round in circles.
it hurts with or without him.it doesnt help that it was all out of the blue. one day we are talking about movin house and avein fresh start and the very next day he goes think we shud go our seperate ways and then makes up excuse to blame me for every think.then he said its not my fault and knows it is his.

Honey, he's tearing you apart emotionally. And thats not right. I can feel the pain in your words. You don't need this type of emotional abuse in your life. You need to move on. I know it's going to be extremly hard, but it's for the best. You need to think about yourself in this situation. You've tried to help over and over agian, but it doesn't seem to be getting through his head. Live YOUR life. Not the life of trying to make sure He's ok. He will realize sooner or later where he messed up. It may take days, months, maybe even years. And you don't need to be tearing yourself apart for that long. You CAN do better. You seem like a great gal. It's only a matter of time before you find another man who will treat you right and not care so much about the drugs. You just got to give him some space, pray for him, and stay strong.

thats my plan.get a job get sum friends and get a life without him and hope that it will all b ok in the end.with or without him.

its silly things that are gettin to me like going out and seein other people happy.
and i was so looking forward to summer so we cud take his two sons out to theme parks and stuff like we did last year.and get out the pool and stuff and thinking i will never ave that with him and the boys again is the hardest part.

You're on the right track babydoll. He has two sons as well?

yeah two sons,they dont live with him but we had them every other weekend.he is a good dad.
apparently they kept askin where i was and he told them i was staying with my mum for a bit.
and they asked if i was gonna be there wen there dad moved to the new place.there dad just said i dont know boys.

Thats good. Do you have a close relationship with the boys?

Sweetie, a coke addict is not a good dad. Do you see where his addiction is taking him? Maybe he used to be a good dad until the addiction caught hold of him. But now he is only a shell of the man he used to be.

wanna hear sum think funny,they are both 8,and no there not twins.

I agree with J_9

A coke addict is not a good father. If he's treating YOU this way he may be treating them the same way.

yes had very close relationship with them.one of them has disabilities and i used to do every think for him. the other one was very much a daddy's boy.i was the only girlfriend that ever lived with there dad.
i agree that he cant be a good dad while he is doing the coke,but thats wot i dont get,he will make sure the boys money is there and that they dont go with out,and he wont do coke while he has got them,

Two different mothers?

he will ave a beer but wont do coke.obviously i dont no wots going on at mo,or if he is even avein the boys,however i ave come to realise that i was the only thing he had and now he dont i hope he has hit rock bottom and doing sumthink bout it.
yeah he might see and talk to his family but they ave always gone to him with they problems and leave him to sort out his own.

yeah to different mothers

one was a relationship,then he had break up and had drunken thumble and has now got two wonderful sons.

Okay, 2 different mothers. Kazzz, dear, this is another red flag. Apparently he was cheating. Would you want to be a single mother of his 3rd child? No, probably not.

im not that stupid,plus i cant ave kids,so no worries there.

if u all get sick of me on ere just say.my mum has had enough of me going on bout it and lookin for meanings in every think.theres no room in this house me to b depressed

im thankful 4 all the advice given,really i am,and i no wots got to be done,i just dont know how.
i think i need to hear from sumone that has been on coke and got off it and got there life back.

anyone got a time machine i cud borrow

Kazzz, you don't know it, but you may already be talking to people who are sober and clean addicts.

You may not be aware that some of the advice being given to you may be given by former addicts.

You say you know what has to be done, but don't know how. Get a counselor, someone who knows how to help you face to face, go to Narc Anon (which has alredy been suggested quite a few times)

i feel stupid going to sum where like that.and knowin my luck he wud probably be there.

ok,so any former addicts here, did u regret everythink u did wen using and did u ever say sorry to those u hurt.

You may or may not get an answer to that question Kazzz, there are some people who may not want others to know their pasts because the past is behind them. They may choose to live for the future, but not the past.

how do i help someone addicted to coke that one day wants help and the next day dont want help. its killing me to see the love of my life killing himself. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment were not together coz he says he dont like himself and doesn't want me to see him in that way.he is my first love and i am his so i cant just walk away but its hurting so much to not, really dont know wot to do anymore.
hey.. if he love you he will come back... but remember he needs to love himself first... he also needs love and support.. you can tell him to choose coke or you...I know how hard it is to loose the love of your life.... tell him.... but if he does not take control now you are going to loose... 1 way or another... by him being out of your life or he will be 6 feet under and out of your life. and that is something you do not need to be around ether... if he gets busted you are going to go down with him and it will be with you for the rest of your life.... and if he needs the drugs bad enough he will do dumb things that can also hurt you.... just always remember that there is other fish in the sea and you can still fish if you need to....

thanx,i ave told him and i know i ave hurt him with the things i ave said but he deserved them and it made me feel beta.funny thing is, is that im ok with not being with him coz i lost myself with him and ave got the opportunity to sort out my own life. i just want him to be happy to.

J-9 i under stand that but,none of this was my fault so surely if he does love me and gets clean i can be the future,if that makes sense.

Honey you are young and if he loves you he need to clean himself up.... and he can not love anyone til he loves himself first!!! dont keep your mind on him.... look for someone else..... ask your parent's how they feel about what he is doing.... if you have not gotten your stuff from him just remember that it CAN all be replaced.

the things he has got cant b replaced,my mum feels that he will sort him self out,and hold his hands up and say sorry.
i never looked to meet him wen i did.i ave never looked to meet sumone coz i think bout things to deeply,and great believer in destiny and fait and stuff.
and believe that i will meet the right person at the right time etc. and thought i had met the one

cant sleep so thought i wud give a quick message.
bet ur all bored of givin me the same advice

does it really get easier with time to forget bout sum one.

Hun, time is the healer of all wounds. Yes, there may be scars left behind, but the wounds are healed. It does get better with time. Believe me.

thanx, i really hope ur right.

Kazz I may have missed this in a post but may I ask? How old are you? You sound very young.

Kazz I may have missed this in a post but may I ask? How old are you? You sound very young.
im 23 years old,he is 28

And what is this 23 year old doing for herself?

every think

finding my self a job that is full time,keeping busy,finding sum friends and gonna try and ave a bit of fun.
and in process of learning to drive,had 6 lessons so far

i am finding it really hard not to contact him,but i keep tellin my self that one day every think will b ok,with or without him,one day.

those of u that ave read all of this i wanted ur opinion, its his mum birthday next week,shud i text her to say happy birthday and thats it,or shud i just leave it.normally i remind him,but i know that i shudn't do that and wont.
wud it b so bad to txt his mum and just say happy b'day.does that mean that she will tell him i txt and does that count has contact.

If you have never contacted her before, why start now? As you can see you must honestly question your motives for everything you do.

You cant help someone if they truly dont want to help themselves. He needs to get into a rehab and stay there for awhile that is the only way he can get help if he has hit rock bottom. And if he wont go there then you need to cut him out of your life he will only take you no where good luck be strong!

yes i ave always contacted her,and i got tickets for her birthday for a her to go see a live tv show,which she shud recieve sum day this week.

thought u all might like an up date,just got a full time job,ive got a bit off closure to,coz ive to realise that the person i knew was gone a long time ago,and as much as i want him in my life,i think i will always remember how he hurt me and as much as i dont hold a grudge,i think that will always get in the way, and i think the same for him,no matter how long he is clean for he will still remember how he hurt me and he wont forgive himself for that and that will always get in the way,and as much as i dont want to i no i ave to move on.its gonna be a long hard road but one i will ave to take slowly.

Good for you dear!!! You are making progress.

Yes, it will be a long road, just take it one day at a time.

theres nothink like having no choice that kinda makes u do things. his name has been banned from my house, sitting there doing nothink was driving me mad.

hi all, just got in from work, really finding all this hard not work tho, im in tears, it dont seem to be gettin any easier, i ave'nt heard from him,never expected to tho. i dont even know if i wud want him back any more for doing all this and that hurts the most knowing i ave to let him go 4 eva but dont know how.
how can i ave no contact and still ave a life coz today at work his sister came in and even tho we are fine with each other, i know she will tell him she saw me,so technically thats contact but there aint no where else to work i only live in a little county.with two shopping centres.

and i cant move away coz i only ave my mum and two brothers, and yeah im 23 but i really do need my mum,as much as she might do my head in.

You need to take all those pent up feelings and do something for YOU! Pretend he has moved to a far away country and you won't see him for 10 years. Now, fill in the void with things that make you happy. If you just sit around thinking about him time will drag on, but if you get busy. do some self improvement, find things/people/activities to fill in your free time... it WILL get easier. You don't need to worry yourself with whether you will take him back or not. Instead, busy yourself with making YOU the very best you can be. The rest will all fall into place.

Yes, you will have hard times, but you will also start to realize that you are having some easy times, too! If you are having a difficult time finding things to make you happy I will tell you what worked for me after my husband died. Buy a digital camera and start taking pictures of things... especially nature. A bird in the tree, the white clouds billowing across the sky, a sunrise or sunset, a flower, the trees in blossoms, whatever you can find. At some point you will realize that you are noticing more and more... AND... instead of seeing everything in sad shades of grey you will find that you are seeing colour again!

Once that starts you will be well on your way.

You have taken a big step in your life and you WILL be a better person for it. Whatever happens with him, you have done something that could well be the best thing that anyone has done for him.

Hugs, Didi

wanted an opinion on whether or not throwing my self into work is a good idea or not. i ave full time job,which is six days a week and 9 to 10 hrs a day, it takes my mind of things . its my first full time job that i ave had for two years.

Doesn't sound like you have to throw yourself into it, but focusing on things that make your life worth it without him, will surely help. New friends is an okay thing to pursue also.

Personally, I think 54 to 60 hours of work a week is MORE than enough! Where's the fun in your life? What do you do when you aren't working or sleeping? That's where you need quality of life!

Love, Didi

well i dont do any think out of work,coz yeah i know it sounds stupid but dont ave any friends,and its times like this that make you realise who your friends are and i dont ave any.
however i am working so am meeting new people. just hopeing i can get him out of my head. i tend to keep my self to my self. the first time i went out for years was when i met him and it was the first time he had been out for years.
its strange because the first moment i saw him i didnt have a clue who he was and wasnt really my type,but for sum reason i really wanted to get to know him better and the rest is histroy.

work was going ok,bit boring,any way monday i just broke down and ended up going home and still not at work,feel like i took one step forward and two steps back,yeah i know i should get up dust my self off and start again, but really finding all this really hard to deal with.just dont know wot to do any more.

Boring as it sounds you just keep doing what you have been, so dry the eyes and get back to work. Reality is hard on everyone and we still have to keep plugging away at it.

You will have good days and bad days for awhile. You have to pull yourself through the bad days.... force yourself to pretend they are good ones. Losing your job or not having money is not the way to deal with things. What if you were married and he died? Believe me, you can't just crawl into a little hole of self pity and die yourself! You get up and out of bed, clean yourself up, get out there to work and it helps to make you feel better. If that doesn't work, then you find other things to do in your life to fill the void when you aren't at work or sleeping. It IS possible. Remember, you are responsible for how you feel. If you just keep plugging away at motivating yourself and surround yourself with things that make you happy you will be happy. You need to work on YOU right now so you don't repeat the mistakes that got you where you are yet again.

You CAN do it. Keep telling yourself that. You are part way there, sweetie. Don't give up now!

Love, Didi

thanx,really do understnd what you both said,and i know what i got to do. just finding it hard to do.

hi, all those that have read my posts already,need some more advice please.
i lost that job, but i do have another one which is loads of fun,and really enjoying it.
my questions is, i was and am so pleased at how i am doing, that i text him, saying "every think is going to be fine, thanku x." thats the axact text. i wasn't expecting a text back having not heard from him for at least a month, think i haven't text him for about three weeks,dont know exact but it was a long time and at least three weeks. any way he text back saying "good, glad to hear it will all be fine,but take it that text wasn't meant for me,hope your ok,take care x" i text back saying "it was meant for you and that i could'nt explain why i was saying thanku coz it was a bit to long winded to put in a text,hope your ok to,take care to,x"
he hasn't text back to that and im fine with that but why did he text in the first place wen in the past wen i ave accidently sent him a text he just ignores it, why say hope your ok and take care and with a kiss at the end, he dont give kisses at the end of text normally.if he dont care like he said before.
im confussed, i want answers but dont want to hassel him. sorry this is long!

dont even know if he is clean or not and yeah i know thats not my problem any more and to keep working on me and stuff, but just really confussed now as to is he or isnt he clean.

Girl, you just need to stop texting him alltogether. Just chalk it up as experience and move on with your life.

You will never get any closure to this if you continue down this path.

Lose his number pronto!!!

I'm confused, i want answers
Kazzy you have just learned a valuable lesson about no contact. Every time you break no contact and talk, text or email the ex his responses will bring more questions than they answer and even more confusion. Everyone here at this forum has found that out and had the same results as you when no contact is broken. Get back on the path to health and you will be just fine. Ignore this good advice at the risk of your own sanity and good mental health. Lose his number, and do not contact him, even if he contacts you.

thanx,i did delete his numbers but its no good coz i good with numbers and now them of by heart. i didn't think about texting him i was just sitting they drawing and then out of the blue i text him. i have no intension of texting him again.

Good for you Kazzz! You just need to forget the numbers now.
Concentrate on YOU, have fun again. Learn what the real Kazzz is and show that to the world.
You are a strong woman, you have shown us that already by doing what you have.
Don't dispair.
Don't give up.
Don't doubt your own ability to heal yourself.

You CAN do it!!
My thoughts & prayers are with you.
Moomin
:)

You can't live your life for someone else. He and he alone needs to make what choices he wants for his life. You need to make the choice of staying with an addict or moving on with your life. Don't allow him to ruin your life. Do what you need to, to be able to move on.

good luck with this, I am going through the same thing, except I have a child with my first love. He would rather do crack cocaine than to be with me, when he doesnt have the drug he wants me, when someone comes around with it or he has money then he "needs his space" He can go 2-3 months at a time without doing it but he always relapses. Cocaine is a strong addiction and I will go ahead and tell you, if you have given this guy chances to change already, chances are he is not going to change, and it will be a vicious cycle with him for the rest of your life, take my advice from someone who is going through it, LEAVE HIM ALONE and DEFINATLY DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if you dont leave him alone you will look back and ask yourself why you stayed with him, after he runs off with your bill money, steals from you and lies to you everyday for this drug. TRUST ME

You cant fix other people, but I understand you not wanting to abandon him. You should call Narcotics Anonymous and ask them for advice, they should tell you also where there is a meeting for you also, they are called Alanon. Its a good place to start.

update: he sent me a text saying he cant take it any more,needs to put an end to for good,he cant keep screwing up.
so of course i rushed round there, he hanged himself,im absoulty deverstated,i found him just hanging there,i couldnt cut him down,he is dead, what do i do know.please god help me.

OMG, are you alright? Know it is not your fault...get some help with this, know you are in my prayers

What a horrible thing to go thru, I am so sorry. Please don't bear any guilt for his choices, and get help going thru, this as I know his family is devasted also. My condolenses and prayers are with you.

aint really hit me yet, never lost any one before.scared

I just read the last post. Kazz, I am so so sorry. Surround yourself with loved ones sweetheart. My prayers are with you and with his family. Take care of yourself

how do i help someone addicted to coke that one day wants help and the next day dont want help. its killing me to see the love of my life killing himself. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment were not together coz he says he dont like himself and doesn't want me to see him in that way.he is my first love and i am his so i cant just walk away but its hurting so much to not, really dont know wot to do anymore.
You have to walk away because he won't change until he hits rock bottom and that can be years from now. I dated a guy for 3 years and realized that last year that he had done coke the entire time. That was 5 years ago and he is still doing coke. I am happy I found the strength to leave him.

i had a friend that committed sucide with a gun 15 yrs ago and a cousin that hung himself last year. You must remember that they were very ill people. both of them had abused drugs. do not feel guilty because it will only harm you. Just remember him for the good in him and what good things that he brought into your life. May peace be with you.

hey my fiance is well was addicted to coke and ectasy he would go to the pub and not be able to go without ectasy or he would sit in with his mates and snort coke. he is my first love 2. but he got himself into so much dept he started dealing them at clubs and pubs he is now in prison if u read my questionns.with me onli been sixteen people keep telling me to move on but i love him with all my heart. i think u should try and get him to get help and get him off the coke because b4 u now it he will be dealing and my fiance did it to feed his habbit and could be looking at four years.

I know its hard to let go, but forget it, there are a million fishes in the sea. I know its your first love, but try being a friend and move on with your love life. Its not worth it.

Hope everything is getting better for you!

i know i dont know everything but i do know this i have had men in my life just like you have described and if they do not love there self how can they love anyone else THEY CAN NOT and if your are just waiting on him to stop or change it can only happen if he really really wants to it will not happen over night but he can stop only if he really wants to but he has to be comitted to do so i think the easy way to stop is to leave it alone stop hangin around people who are involved in it and get strong enough to be able to be around it and not want it but ask him if he loves you then ask him if he loves hiself then tell him if he loves you and he loves himself then he will stop using i know its hard ive been there and now since i have stoped i have a wonderful family 5yr old girl and a wonderful boyfriend i could not ask for a more perfect family drugs suck im 22 i just quit everything i was doing a few months ago its hard but it takes that comittment and if he dont stop it will get worse and it will turn into a very bad situation and i would tell you to leave if he dont stop you deserve better. because the longer you stay the more you feel that you love him but what you really want is for that person to change that may never change. give him his one and only chance tell him you will leave if he loves you he will unfortunatly mine didnt and it was the best thing that ever happened to me i promise if you have to leave your first love your wounds will heal and youll find a better man who will love you and be completly true and honest to you not drugs. your are in my prayers and i hope the best for you:D

You can stop seeing him. You need to stop talking or listening to him.
You can not change him. You need to find a new life and one that does not involve him. I know this sounds cruel, but people can only fix themselves for themselves.