I'm 42 and been married to my wife for 16 years. We have 2 kids, age 12 and 15. My wife lost her job and she was upset for awhile. The fact that she had to stay home, made her very unhappy. This was the reason why we were fighting a lot. It was like my fault why she got to stay home. I was recognized by my family and friends that I always put my family and kids first. I was even criticized that I don't spend enough time with my family and friends just because of my wife. It was a true fact. On weekends when I wanted to spend some time with my friends and have a drink or a coffee for an hour, I would be criticized by my wife that I'm selfish and that I should be spending time with them. It was just an hour. When I would get back and try to spend the rest of the day with her and kids, I would find her upset and change the whole plan for all of us. Kids and I would be very disappointed why she would do that to us. Lot of time, we would just cancel our plan, or I would just try to go out with kids only. I began to lose my patience and hate her.
Then I met this girl, 25 years old. Beautiful. We knew each other for about 2 years before we began top go out and date. She offers me comfort, love and respect that I have been craving all my life. I love her too and try to take care of her. One day she wanted to leave me, cause she said that because I'm married, there is no future for both of us. I found her crying in bath room. I thought that is the end. Even after 4 years we are still together and I love her even more. She loves me even more and she expects me to divorce and get married to her and give her a baby and start a new life. We had out fights but won't last forever. We would forget our disagreements after several hours, when we would get face to face. We went on vacation several times and had a great time. She is unhappy cause I have been struggling to take that step and divorce and get married with her. I'm 5000km away now from her and my family. I work overseas. I just decided to stop all contacts with my girlfriend thinking that I want to give a chance to get back with my wife. My girlfriend thinks that I'm going through surgery and have no internet or phone access. She has been emailing me wondering if I'm OK or not. I can't start talking to her cause I know that once I start talking to her I won't be able to stop. I love her. I'm used to spend 90% of time on the phone with her and maybe 10% with my wife. I miss her so much and I'm sure that she is feeling bad without knowing what is going on with me. I was thinking to tell her the truth, but I just couldn't. I have a vacation time coming and I need to spend with my kids and mom, brother and sister. She expects me to spend a week with her and a week with the rest. I have only 2 weeks time and I have to get back overseas. I know that if I would tell her that I can't see her at all, she would be upset and never talk to them again. I'm afraid losing her cause I love her. She's 25 and I'm 42. I need your opinion, what is the good solution here? I know that I used to love my wife, but never again. That selfishness of her that turned me down, made me cold. I'm different person now. I have been considering this girls as my partner, wife and talk to her and discuss things with her as she was my future wife. But, the fact that divorce would have bad effect on my kids, kept me indecisive. I'm indecisive basically not because I have feelings for my wife, but because I need to take care of my kids and not hurt them. Is it worth sacrificing true love with this girl for trying to go back home and take care of the kids, and live without love? I will never be able to love my wife again or forget this girl.

I can't believe how naïve you are. Your lover wants the same thing your wife wanted - a family. She will get pregnant. You will start the whole chain of misery all over again, for another 15 - 18 years. You will be 60. She will be just like your wife. You will be paying support for your wife and children. Your new wife will be bitter about that, and rant at you about any time you want to spend with your older children. Her unfettered 'love' will be just as fettered as your wife's, only more so.

You travel for work. Of course your wife wants you to spend your time with her and your children when home. She is trapped in a boring existence. It's the price you pay for a job away from home. Maybe she didn't handle the loneliness very well. We don't know what part each of you played. Maybe she suspected that some of your 'work' was vacationing with your lover! I'll bet she had some idea. Most people don't hide truth as well as they think they do.
The way you describe your wife being 'selfish' when you are being equally selfish (I'm being kind - you are being more so), when you are the one who really thinks love matters above responsibility, when you have a naïve belief that the devotion you get from your lover will stay that way, and when you can't work out marriage problems, leaves me thinking that you will do something very, very foolish.
Now you have been stringing a young woman along for FOUR YEARS. Do the Right Thing and tell her that it's over. Let her find a husband.

It's unfortunate because you really can't help who you love still you have to be smart. Your wife or your mistress do not deserve any of this. I think you should consider a divorce from your wife because its no need to live the rest of your life unhappy. As far as the other women only time could tell. I have to agree with the first response some what because she will want a family eventually and are you willing to go through that whole process of being married again. It's something you will need time to really think about.

When you read the first paragraph it sounds like someone who is trying to justify the cheating. When you read the whole thing you count your blessings for not being involved in this drama. You created the drama and now your life is nothing but drama. But in creating the drama did you realize you were going to hurt so many lives?

Your children deserve better than this but unfortunately they will be the victims. If you end your marriage and start a proper relationship with this other woman, who is to say you both won't cheat on each other? Typically cheaters always need the excitement of cheating.

The only advice I have to give is you and all parties involved should try a life without the drama. It is so much better.

People justify cheating because 'love' is such a wonderful thing.
Falling in new love doesn't justify cheating.
Falling out of old love doesn't justify cheating.
Falling out of love requires WORK to come to terms with someone, to agree on mutual respect, understanding, and forgiveness - or get a divorce.
Trying to have your cake and your cupcake too is childish, selfish, and thoughtless.
And then to whine about the suffering you are going through because you can't have a mistress forever?

Your wife forced you into an affair with another woman?

I never said that my wife forced me to have an affair. I was just unhappy and someone else began to fill that gap. I should have tried to talk to my wife and tell her how unhappy I was. But, I did not. We both were selfish, not just me. I was just tired of fighting all the time. She saw me that I'm unhappy, but she didn't care. She would just continue fighting on and on. That was not healthy at all. I would be having coffee with this girl and that is where I was feeling better and after talking and talking I realize that this person is making me feel better. I tried so many times, went back home and tried to come back. But, it didn't happened. I wold find her in bed and I would try to wake her up, but I could never get her attention. I got her attention when she realized that she might be losing me. I took this job overseas to try and forget this girl, but it happened opposite. I began to miss her even more and love her even more. I began to miss my kids, but no one else. I forgot about my wife, how is to be in love with her, how is to be loved by her. We wouldn't talk for days, but I would talk to my kids. I helped creating this distance between my wife and I. It was my fault. She wouldn't text or call either. She began to believe that she is losing me. But, then everything changed when I went home and I told her for the firs time that I'm having an affair. I felt relieved. I said to myself I'm going to tell her. I decided to forget about this girl. I saw her the first few days but after I admitted ti my wife about an affair, I didn't see her for about 6 months. Once I got back from vacation, I began to talk to this girl again, cause I just missed her so much. I knew that I'm making a mistake, but I just needed to talk to her. She was also upset but she decided to get back with me. I went with her on vacation for 2 weeks and it was great to be together with her. There were moments when I was thinking about kids and desire to be with them. I felt guilty for not being able to be with them. That would turn me cold once in while during the time with her. I have been bouncing for 4 years up and down. When I'm with her I miss my kids and when I'm with my family I missed her. But, still I know. I need to let her go so she can start her own life. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and I take all your critics as a motivation to do the right thing and get back with my family and give some time to get back on tracks. I know one thing that I always wanted in my life to have a person to love the way she loved me.

You were doing OK until you ended with 'I always wanted in my life to have a person to love the way she loved me.'

I think you need a few more doses of reality. She loved you the way you wanted to be loved because she didn't have you yet, and couldn't afford to resent you yet, for leaving her tied to housework and child rearing. Maybe if you had spent some of that 2 week vacation money on your wife, helping her start an at-home business or taking a course to get back into the work force, or SOMETHING to get your marriage back on track, even if it wasn't all romantic anymore, she would have appreciated you more, and not nagged you, and you could have a marriage based on respect and compromise.

You know who is getting shortchanged here while you are off seeking someone to love you blah, blah, blah?

Your kids - the time you could be with them is being spent with your girlfriend.

How do you live with that?

That's what I said that I miss them when I'm with her, but I miss her when I'm with kids, cause basically I don't have any feelings toward my wife anymore. It's that simple. I look at her and she is fine, she takes care of the kids, she works, I take care of them financially. I love my kids to death and I want to be with them. I just don't feel anything toward my wife. It has been 4 years that we have been living like strangers, not sharing intimacy like we used to. I'm not the same man anymore. I here someone mentioned if I'm ready to go through again, starting a new family at age 42 with a girl age 25, and dealing with all chalengies again. I'm not ready for that. I know I'm not. That's why I have stopped talking to my girlfriend on the phone or e-mails for a week now. I'm trying to forget her. It's so hard when you have someone you care and you talk to her the whole time, for hours and hours and then next day just I'm not able to hear her voice again. I'm talking to my wife and kids everyday, but I feel empty without talking to her. I'm sure she feels even worse, cause I can see what she has been saying to me on the emails. I told her that I have an emergency, and I have to go through a surgery and that's it. I was thinking waiting few more days and tell her that I don't know if I will be able to see her again and that she needs to forget me and start e new life. I just can't continue talking to her, cause I know that I will not be able to forget her and will continue talking to her and then by talking I will find myself planning to take trip and forget about my family. I don't know but I thought like the only way to end this is if I don't talk to her at all. Thanks for you comments everyone, but this is helping me a lot to get through.

NO. You don't 'wait a few days.' You tell her the truth today. Shame on you for lying about surgery. Selfish. She's worried sick about you instead of angry. You just are afraid of her wrath. Tell her the TRUTH! You just don't seem to get the compromises of life.

You Can't Always Get What You Want (Rolling Stones).

You also made your bed and now you have to sleep in it.

You made this drama. The truth will set you free (MLK).

You aren't taking time, energy and money away from your children to be with your girlfriend? She pays for everything, you meet during work hours, not when you would otherwise be with your children?

You stepped in it. Now you have to decide if you clean it off your shoes or walk around smelling bad. Tough call. Glad I am not you. Fool.