At some point is a birth father afforded a right to privacy when the birth mother denied him the knowledge that she was expecting, left town, delivered the child and put the child up for adoption. 20 plus years later a call come hello dad - complete me. I don't deny the fling - but I have a hard time considering myself the father. I have lead a respectible life - this has crushed my wife and I am troubled that I was thought so little of long ago and now I am "important" to a stranger.

My world has been taken from me because of an irresponsible act years ago that I was not even allowed to make right. Now I have to destroy the lives of others.

I think I should have had some rights years ago and should have been afforded the opportunity to participate in the decisions and had basic knowledge to share with my life partner so she would know what she was marrying into and we could have made informed life decisions. I also think that once the birth mother acted on her own - that is the way things should stay.

Troubled and breaking the hearts of those I love

At the time you didn't know, but as the shock and surprise wear off understand the product of your long ago fling produced a child who wants to know where she came from. Maybe its unfair, but I think you at least hear your daughter side of it and know what she wants.

Its not her fault. Have you been tested to make sure she even has he right guy? Take baby steps and do the right because you don't have to destroy any one to get through this.

If you ask for a test is it not like a denial - I don't deny it is possible, maybe even probable - it was not much of a relationship - I did not know the birth mother's activities - drank too much on new years eve when I was a kid and jumped in the rack with someone I barely knew. Not something I am proud of. I don't want to insult this girl further and regardless of what the tests say I cannot embrace her as my child - an indiscriminate roll in the hay does not make one a father

My point is shouldn't this have been handled through a third part so I could retain my animity, provide health related information and move on (I did provide health information by the way).

Believe me I know she is a person. And she was give a life to live. I wish her well I hope her parents were good to her. I might have been a good father to her - but I was not given the opportunity to do so. I had no say in that and I have been made to look irresponsible by her birthmother's actions to deny me information and subsequent action to reveal me to this girl without being decent enough to inform me of the existence of this child first. And then the childcontacts me directly and even sent searches out for my wife. Thank God I had spoken to my wife first.

I do not want a relationship with this person - she has come on the scene way too late in my life

And how do I make things right with my wife -- my marriage has been severely rocked and my wife did not deserve this

And ultimately how is my respectability maintained

This is a very bad situation -- I don't see how it gets fixed

Own it as there is no shame or guilt on your part, and there is no fixing to do. Just endure until it solves itself. What plans does she have and why has she looked you up?

You want to maintain your respectibility? Then handle your business respectfully. Find out what she expects.

Is there a step father or is she looking for an active father in you? Get off your own self pity and respectibility and understand what she has been through wondering who her dad was. Back then he was a young brash drunk youth who through no fault of his own except wanting a drunken lay, and went about his business not knowing what he left behind.

Being respectable means owning responsibility for your actions, now that you do know. Get the test and go from there. Just in case baby mama lied.

I am pretty sure my wife would not agree with you - there is fixing to do on our end. Not what she signed on for. My wife says her reality has been shattered and it cannot be restored - she is not interested in having an illigitimate step daughter. Think I should tell her to get over her self-pity.

The child wants a relationship. She has adoptive parents "who she loves" and a family of her own, but feels "incomplete." What does that mean? How can knowing your birth parents were completely irresponsible sex crazed kids complete you?

I'll go down fighting for my wife and I will not lose her for this child's self-gratification.

I see that a test would be needed to go forward, there is a chance that the trauma has been caused by a false acquisition and my old life could return.

If I have that test and I am the father does that leave the idea that a relationship will be coming? I don't see going forward as a real possibility. Even if I were not married I really do not feel like that child's father - the man who raised her earned that position. Maybe it is better just to ask for no more communication and hope the intrusion fades away on my end as my wife and I work on finding a new normal.

I don't know that I am pitying myself. But I do feel in between a rock and a hard place.

My wife cried for days and has not been the same since I told her of this child. She was never irresponsible, always careful to do the right thing, she is ashamed by this circumstance and I have told her over and over it is no reflection on her - but she insists that it is and feels the burden of carrying what she needs to be secret. All one really has is their dignity and respectibility according to her and that is gone in her eyes.

Well this has gone far afield.

I think I am angry that I had no say, no protection of privacy and I hurt my wife by doing something long before I met her. And I will feel guilty and ashamed of myself for the rest of my life.

I have no concept of what this child thinks I can give her or how she could be folded into my family - now that I know she exists I would not think of intruding into her parent's life and insisting on being folded into their life. I think the responsible thing occurred - the child was given the gift of life and was taken into a loving home. Had I tried to raise her with her birth mother - a woman I barely knew who clearly had no confidence in me, the child would have been the product of a broken home. I am not sure what I can do now to be responsible to her. Her birth mother made good choices regarding the child - probably the same ones I would have made if given the chance. And I feel my first responsibility is to my wife - and I do not see me telling her to get over it and accept this child.

Maybe what I am writing here I should write to her. Would that be hurtful?

Thanks for your input.

First, this person had no right to approach you directly. You had the right to refuse contact forcing her to go to court to prove paternity, which would have been difficult.

Second, I may have missed it, but were you married to your wife at the time of this "fling"? I just found this quote; "I hurt my wife by doing something long before I met her. which indicates you were not married. If you were, I can understand your wife's feelings. If you were not, then this has nothing to do with her and I don't see why she is so upset.

Third, you do not have to be a father to this woman. Your rights were denied, in fact the adoption may have been obtained illegally if you were not given the opportunity to agree to it.
But that is now a moot point. This young women seems to have shown a distinct lack of tact and sensibility by contacting you. I see no problem in your rejecting her. You owe her nothing since your parental rights were severed by the adoption. You can tell her to cease contacting you and even obtain a restraining order.

There is no legal right to privacy, there is a moral one, and this is what I warn many people about when they go hunting that mystic lost parent.

If you look here you will see that most child's that don't know their parent goes looking for them, most never find them ( which is best in my opinion)

But we suggest that they contact though a third party.

But can she contact you, yes legally they do TV shows of reunions and often they go poorly.
You could have cursed her , called her told her off. She has no rights to see you or force you to be a father.

As for your wife, sorry if there is trouble, but there must have already been trouble, since this was before you meet her and really has nothing to do with her.

There is no legal right to privacy, there is a moral one, and this is what I warn many people about when they go hunting that mystic lost parent.

If you look here you will see that most childs that don't know their parent goes looking for them, most never find them ( which is best in my opinion)

But we suggest that they contact though a third party.

But can she contact you, yes legally they do TV shows of reunions and often they go poorly.
You could have cursed her , called her told her off. She has no rights to see you or force you to be a father.

As for your wife, sorry if there is trouble, but there must have already been trouble, since this was before you meet her and really has nothing to do with her.

I was not married at the time of this fling, I did not even know my wife then. We are one though and she would strongly disagree, as do I, that this has nothing to do with her - anything that affects one of us affects all of us. My indiscresion has left us in the position of disappointing my parents and our children or this child. What ever we do we will in the end will hurt others. My wife is not interested in an illigimate step daughter nor "capable of embracing this child and bringing her into our family unit." She also does not want to be the wedge between me and this child, but thinks our family unit comes first. She says she "loves me with her heart and soul and can't imagine life without me", but is conflicted by seemingly "irreconcible differences" between her needs and those of the child. She says she feels she is a hypocrite because she cannot embrace the child and is too full of pride to ever allow our children to think less of their father, my parents to think less of me; she sees her self as "small" for not wanting to endure the ridicule of other family members. And so she is disappointed in herself. My wife needs to deny theexistance of this child and hates herself for having this need and is being consumed by the conflict. I think our marriage is far from troubled, but trouble is now present in the form of this child and the conflicts she brings and the embarrassment she causes.

I never cursed the child, I never told her off. I have been completely respectful - but I have not given her what she wants - a relationship. I am sorry I caused her to be born into what she characterized as a loving family through adoption that some how left her incomplete. And I am troubled by the idea that I will fail her by what seems to be the inevitable - I must reject her, I see no way to bring her into my life without bringing pain to people I know and love, that have been my family for more than forty years (parents). I know it is hurtful to the child to be considered an embarrassment, an inconvenient truth. But I don't think anyone wants to be reminded of past indiscresions especially when they were not allowed to step up and be responsible then and when they have led a responsible life as an adult.

Things could have been different. If I had been told of her existence long ago. I would have had a connection to her and would have been thinking of her on a daily basis hoping the best for her and hoping I had done right by her to the best of my abilities at the time. If I had been able to tell my parents of the situation and what I was doing to make the best future for this child, and if I had been able to tell my wife of this child's existence before we made a commitment to each other there might have been a way to meet the child's needs without hurting others. But because that knowledge was withheld, I have no parental feelings for this person, she is simply not a part of my life. Deep down inside I have know this would be the outcome since the moment she made contact. I will carry guilt and shame. I am sure it is crushing not to be considered family and to have less value than others who are my family.

So ScottGem what are you advising? Forget the paternity test. Bury it deep and move on? I have to say that is what I am inclined to do - I owed my wife honesty our conflicted state comes from personal disappointment in ourselves, pride over-riding virtue, we will work through this - but now I think living a lie will be the best. Hurt one last person - the child - who hopefully will turn to her parents for solice and to her birthmother if she needs to blame someone for this out come


First, this person had no right to approach you directly. You had the right to refuse contact forcing her to go to court to prove paternity, which would have been difficult.

Second, I may have missed it, but were you married to your wife at the time of this "fling"? I just found this quote; "I hurt my wife by doing something long before I met her., whihc indicates you were not married. If you were, I can understand your wife's feelings. If you were not, then this has nothing to do with her and I don't see why she is so upset.

Third, you do not have to be a father to this woman. Your rights were denied, in fact the adoption may have been obtained illegally if you were not given the opportunity to agree to it.
But that is now a moot point. This young women seems to have shown a distinct lack of tact and sensibility by contacting you. I see no problem in your rejecting her. You owe her nothing since your parental rights were severed by the adoption. You can tell her to cease contacting you and even obtain a restraining order.

see next post by Fr_Chuck - my reply is there

I am a birthmother who has worked with the adoption community for about 20 years.

You owe this child nothing, though obtaining a test to be sure and then giving her her medical background would be very good of you.

You and your wife need to go see a counselor--like as soon as possible. There are counselors that specialize in adoption issues, and though they can be hard to find, usually you can find one if you keep calling and asking at other counselor's offices.

Both of you need help to reconcile your images of yourselves and of each other, and you need help processing this surprise "attack", for lack of a better word.

I always encourage adoptees and birthparents to go through a third party when they search, because contact can and does do exactly what has happened to you--destroyed lives.

You absolutely have the right to tell this person that you have thought about it and feel no connection with her, and that you never even knew she existed. You absolutely can tell her to not contact you further. Aside from legally compelling you to give your medical history through a court, she can't legally compel you to do anything. HER issues are not YOUR problem--and she should receive counseling as well to help her determine why she needs someone else to feel complete in the first place.

Please--see a counselor. It is not a weakness to need help processing all of your emotions when you have been ambushed like this.

I misspoke. Of course, this has to do with your wife. She is your partner and anything that affects you affects her. But, I still don't understand why she is so upset. You did not betray her, you were not responsible for being unaware of this child. She does not have to embrace this woman, nor bring her into the family unit, unless you insist on it. Whether you decide to maintain a relationship with her is up to you and, as long as it doesn't affect your family unit, should not be of major concern to her.

I have long been deadset against adoptees imposing on their birth families. In my opinion one's parents are the people that raised you. A biological connection doesn't a parent make. While I believe adoptees are entitled to a medical history, that is all they are entitled to. Adoptees should not be allowed to contact birth parents unless there is mutual agreement.

I believe you have nothing to feel guilty or shame about. I believe the fact that you do makes you a good person, but it is not necessary. You knew nothing of the pregnancy. I believe you that, had you known, you would have done the "right thing". But you didn't know and through no fault of your own. So I think you should stop beating yourself up about that.

I would contact this woman and offer to give her a medical history, but explain to her that is all your are willing to do and she is not to contact you again. Had she done the right thing and contacted you through a third party, giving you a chance to decide what you wanted to do, it might be different. But she set herself up for disappointment by taking the action she took. That's on her, not you.

Legally, you have no responsibility towards her at all. Ethically I don't believe you owe her anything more than a medical history. Morally, well that's up to you. For me, I would not feel any responsibility or remorse for cutting her off.

I do have to mention one kicker in this. You don't say whether you have children. If you do, then I think you do have an obligation to let them know they have a half sister and for them to choose whether they want to maintain some level of contact.

I can understand that your wife would be upset. I cannot understand that she is this upset, that this "news" rocked your marriage.

Did she think you were a virgin when she married you?

Or does she think you knew the child was a possibility and didn't tell her?

I can respect your desire for privacy and can understand your wish for no contact, but I can't help wondering if you would still reject her if it wasn't for your wife's unhappiness with the situation.

I don't get the shame and guilt part. This isn't a 10 year old that popped up from an indescretion while you were married. She isn't looking for money (I'm guessing) and she doesn't need parenting like a minor child would. What is the harm of at least befriending her?

I would also recommend the paternity test. You might be making yourself upset over nothing.

I note that "the wife" is not "interested in having an illegitimate stepdaughter." Having contact or not having contact does not change one basic fact - she has an illegitimate stepdaughter.

I agree with Emland - how would you approach the situation if your wife were not upset to this extent?

I agree with what has been posted - locating birth parents very often hurts more than one person. However, it's happened and now the question is how to move forward. I feel sympathy for the girl who, through no fault of her own - unless finding her birth father is a fault - is suddenly probably feeling rejected, possibly for the second time. No one knows what her mother told her - except for the child and the mother,

I also disagree that a one-night stand does not make a father. Legally it does.

I feel sympathy for the girl who, through no fault of her own - unless finding her birth father is a fault - is suddenly probably feeling rejected, possibly for the second time.

See this is where my OPINION differs. I think the girl brought this on herself, by contacting the OP out of the blue.

Now I will admit, we don't know the exact circumstances of that contact. All we have is the OP's statement that; "a call come hello dad - complete me" after more than 20 years. Maybe it was that simple or maybe not. But any adoptee who thinks that such reunions are all sweetness and light is leaving themselves open for a hurt.

I'm a bit on the fence here though. I believe, if I were caught in the situation I would be pissed as hell at the birth mother but would not take it out on the daughter. On the other hand, I can sympathize with the OP who has had his life somewhat turned upside down.

There isn't going to be a winner here. Just a lot of people hurt to different extents.

There is much more to this that isn't being said. We have no idea how the OP's name came up in the first place. If the adoption were a closed adoption - common place 20 years ago. Then something else is up.

But my opinion on all of this is that the wife should calm down and stop being so selfish. You the OP need to man up. You speak of being a responsible adult yet your acting like a spoiled child attatched to mommies apron strings. If this girl is reaching out then so be it. The fact that you were denied any decision in the process is now history. You have the here and now to deal with. Your attitude as of right now just shows that you shouldn't have been part of the process. Grown ups don't act like this. Take it slow and see where it leads. Ask for a test. Its not a shame to do so. And no one has to know except for you and the other person taking the test. Unless it is done through a court room then its not legally binding anyway. But get it straight. Do you now have a daughter or not. Then proceed forward.

I can understand that your wife would be upset. I cannot understand that she is this upset, that this "news" rocked your marriage.

Did she think you were a virgin when she married you?

Or does she think you knew the child was a possibility and didn't tell her?

This was shocking news to me and my wife. Ours lives were built on a reality that does not exist - who knows what might have been if I came in with a child in tow - baggage that might have caused my wife to walk on by before we even got to a relationship stage. We both knew there were past relationships. But we both thought there were no children. This is not about trust between us. It is about how to be fair and meet everyone's needs


There is much more to this that isnt being said. We have no idea how the OP's name came up in the first place. If the adoption were a closed adoption - common place 20 years ago. Then something else is up.

But my opinion on all of this is that the wife should calm down and stop being so selfish. You the OP need to man up. You speak of being a responsible adult yet your acting like a spoiled child attatched to mommies apron strings. If this girl is reaching out then so be it. The fact that you were denied any decision in the process is now history. You have the here and now to deal with. Your attitude as of right now just shows that you shouldnt have been part of the process. Grown ups dont act like this. Take it slow and see where it leads. Ask for a test. Its not a shame to do so. And no one has to know except for you and the other person taking the test. Unless it is done through a court room then its not legally binding anyway. But get it straight. Do you now have a daughter or not. Then proceed forward.

I have no idea of how the child found her birth mother - but she says her birth mother told her my name and she reseached the internet and used search companies to find me. I did not ask what she was told about me.

I don't know about apron strings - I think my wife has a say in all matters that effect our family unit and I am sure she will not see her way clear to having the child over for Christmas dinner.

I am not ashamed to take a test - I just don't want to give the child false hope that once paternity is proven I will have some paternal feelings for her and want a relationship.

She will never be my daughter in the truest sense of the would - a biologocal off-spring possibly. She is her adopted parents' daughter.

I do not see why I should not have been a part of the process - I think I could have assisted in pre-natal care cost, offered support to the birth mother financially and emotionally and helped to reach the same decision the birth mother did - this child belonged in the home of loving adult parents. I think I could have proven myself to my family as being responsible for my actions and earned their continued respect and I think I could have prepared my future family for the possibility of this day.

I have no troubles with owning the consequences of my actions - never have, never will. I can't say I feel the same for the birth mother who acted to exclude me and then decided that I needed to be included 20 years later. I am going to say I am pissed that the child made searches not only for me but also for my wife - that was way out of line - what was she going to do if my wife openned her e-mail before I talked to her - she my have some rights to being a part of my life, which deep down inside I feel were forfieted for her by her birth mother 20 years ago, but she has no place between my wife and I. I am hoping I get past that anger.

I will repeat: YOU NEED COUNSELING.

You SHOULD have been included in the process. Unless you are in Utah, NOT being included in the process could have made the adoption invalid. What the birth mother did (in not telling you 20 years ago) was illegal, but you can't go back and change that now, nor can you prosecute her for it. If you had found out while the child was still a minor, you would have had rights to fight for custody, but that is all water under the bridge.

Please--both you and your wife need to see a counselor who understands adoption issues to help you work your way through this. Whether you decide to have a relationship with the daughter is irrelevant at this point. You need to process a lot of information and a lot of emotions, most of them negative, and you should get help with someone who understands what you are dealing with.

I note that "the wife" is not "interested in having an illegitimate stepdaughter." Having contact or not having contact does not change one basic fact - she has an illegitimate stepdaughter.

I agree with Emland - how would you approach the situation if your wife were not upset to this extent?

I agree with what has been posted - locating birth parents very often hurts more than one person. However, it's happened and now the question is how to move forward. I feel sympathy for the girl who, through no fault of her own - unless finding her birth father is a fault - is suddenly probably feeling rejected, possibly for the second time. No one knows what her mother told her - except for the child and the mother,

I also disagree that a one-night stand does not make a father. Legally it does.

My point regarding fatherhood is that it requires more than sperm. The child's father is her step father and he would have been her father even if I had had some say 20 years ago. And I am not so sure in my case I am the legal father. When people acted without me I think that any parental rights I had were severed and with it the parental obligations were severed to. And of course no emotional bonds were ever formed - unlike the case of the birthmother knew for 20 years she had a daughter out there.


I can respect your desire for privacy and can understand your wish for no contact, but I can't help wondering if you would still reject her if it wasn't for your wife's unhappiness with the situation.

I don't get the shame and guilt part. This isn't a 10 year old that popped up from an indescretion while you were married. She isn't looking for money (I'm guessing) and she doesn't need parenting like a minor child would. What is the harm of at least befriending her?

I would also recommend the paternity test. You might be making yourself upset over nothing.

Rejecting a person, failing to meet her needs does bring guilt and shame - I played a role in creating this child, she has a need I do not understand and therefore cannot fulfill. I am a complete stranger, she is an adult - her foundation was set by her adoptive parents and she has made her way in life. What is it I can do for her? Tell her I love her - I don't. Tell her I wish her well - I have. Listen to her story - perhaps. Tell her my story with regard to her - not pretty - "I had a couple of good times with your birth mother that ended in bed and ultimately in you being created" - does she really want to hear that we barely knew each other, that we had no business being in bed together and we had an equipment failure? That's the story. It does not seem like the basis for a friendship. I can listen and pehaps that is what she wants - but friends and a relationship, doubtful.


I am a birthmother who has worked with the adoption community for about 20 years.

You owe this child nothing, though obtaining a test to be sure and then giving her her medical background would be very good of you.

You and your wife need to go see a counselor--like as soon as possible. There are counselors that specialize in adoption issues, and though they can be hard to find, usually you can find one if you keep calling and asking at other counselor's offices.

Both of you need help to reconcile your images of yourselves and of each other, and you need help processing this surprise "attack", for lack of a better word.

I always encourage adoptees and birthparents to go through a third party when they search, because contact can and does do exactly what has happened to you--destroyed lives.

You absolutely have the right to tell this person that you have thought about it and feel no connection with her, and that you never even knew she existed. You absolutely can tell her to not contact you further. Aside from legally compelling you to give your medical history through a court, she can't legally compel you to do anything. HER issues are not YOUR problem--and she should receive counseling as well to help her determine why she needs someone else to feel complete in the first place.

Please--see a counselor. It is not a weakness to need help processing all of your emotions when you have been ambushed like this.

Thank you for your insight - I think some professional help would be good to guide my wife and I through this. I see another has advised to tell my children of the child - that will be a killer - do you agree? We will clearly need help with formulating the appropriate wording/approach and insight to the typical responses so we can be prepared to do our best.

I agree that you should inform your children.

I think they have the ethical right to know, personally. However, what you tell them depends on their ages and how well they can understand. It shouldn't be a big, bad, dark secret, but it doesn't mean you have to encourage them to get to know her and love her and whatever. It's obviously something hard to talk about when you didn't know from the beginning. There ARE age-appropriate ways to talk about it though.

I cannot blame you for feeling angry and upset about this. I would be too, in your place.

I misspoke. Of course, this has to do with your wife. She is your partner and anything that affects you affects her. But, I still don't understand why she is so upset. You did not betray her, you were not responsible for being unaware of this child. She does not have to embrace this woman, nor bring her into the family unit, unless you insist on it. Whether you decide to maintain a relationship with her is up to you and, as long as it doesn't affect your family unit, should not be of major concern to her.

I have long been deadset against adoptees imposing on their birth families. In my opinion one's parents are the people that raised you. A biological connection doesn't a parent make. While I believe adoptees are entitled to a medical history, that is all they are entitled to. Adoptees should not be allowed to contact birth parents unless there is mutual agreement.

I believe you have nothing to feel guilty or shame about. I believe the fact that you do makes you a good person, but it is not necessary. You knew nothing of the pregnancy. I believe you that, had you known, you would have done the "right thing". But you didn't know and through no fault of your own. So I think you should stop beating yourself up about that.

I would contact this woman and offer to give her a medical history, but explain to her that is all your are willing to do and she is not to contact you again. Had she done the right thing and contacted you through a third party, giving you a chance to decide what you wanted to do, it might be different. But she set herself up for disappointment by taking the action she took. That's on her, not you.

Legally, you have no responsibility towards her at all. Ethically I don't believe you owe her anything more than a medical history. Morally, well that's up to you. For me, I would not feel any responsibility or remorse for cutting her off.

I do have to mention one kicker in this. You don't say whether you have children. If you do, then I think you do have an obligation to let them know they have a half sister and for them to choose whether they want to maintain some level of contact.

I think telling our children is the under-lying cause of the freak out by my wife. She admits there is some of the "what will the neighbors think" selfishness, but I know she will get past that and we have our right to keep our affairs private - its not like we will be telling the world. But disappointing our children by admitting to behavior that we have advocated against - that is a stumbling block. Telling my parents will be very hard for me.

Thank you for your input

I misspoke. Of course, this has to do with your wife. She is your partner and anything that affects you affects her. But, I still don't understand why she is so upset. You did not betray her, you were not responsible for being unaware of this child. She does not have to embrace this woman, nor bring her into the family unit, unless you insist on it. Whether you decide to maintain a relationship with her is up to you and, as long as it doesn't affect your family unit, should not be of major concern to her.

I have long been deadset against adoptees imposing on their birth families. In my opinion one's parents are the people that raised you. A biological connection doesn't a parent make. While I believe adoptees are entitled to a medical history, that is all they are entitled to. Adoptees should not be allowed to contact birth parents unless there is mutual agreement.

I believe you have nothing to feel guilty or shame about. I believe the fact that you do makes you a good person, but it is not necessary. You knew nothing of the pregnancy. I believe you that, had you known, you would have done the "right thing". But you didn't know and through no fault of your own. So I think you should stop beating yourself up about that.

I would contact this woman and offer to give her a medical history, but explain to her that is all your are willing to do and she is not to contact you again. Had she done the right thing and contacted you through a third party, giving you a chance to decide what you wanted to do, it might be different. But she set herself up for disappointment by taking the action she took. That's on her, not you.

Legally, you have no responsibility towards her at all. Ethically I don't believe you owe her anything more than a medical history. Morally, well that's up to you. For me, I would not feel any responsibility or remorse for cutting her off.

I do have to mention one kicker in this. You don't say whether you have children. If you do, then I think you do have an obligation to let them know they have a half sister and for them to choose whether they want to maintain some level of contact.

I agree they need to know but I have to admit this is not something I want to do. However, I do not think I will present this child as a half sister. She may be a blood relation and that will have to be proven before I speak to my children, but I know now that I cannot elevate her to the level of family member. I cannot do this - regardless of my wife's feelings important as they are, I am sure I would feel the same way.

I have given her medical information and never even thought of denying her that, she asked I answered no proof required first. Morally I may owe her the time to listen to her story - I think that counseling is the answer. There are a lot of people to consider and I want to do the least damage.

Thank you for your input. You have been helpful

. I see another has advised to tell my children of the child - that will be a killer - do you agree? We will clearly need help with formulating the appropriate wording/approach and insight to the typical responses so we can be prepared to do our best.

No I don't think that will be a killer, unless your children are very young. If they are in their teens they should be able to take this in stride. You tell them, you knew someone when you were a young adult before you knew their mother. Tell them that this woman decided, for reasons you do not know, not to let you know about the child.

No I don't think that will be a killer, unless your children are very young. If they are in their teens they should be able to take this in stride. You tell them, you knew someone when you were a young adult before you knew their mother. Tell them that this woman decided, for reasons you do not know, not to let you know about the child.

Yeah... I don't want to see the disappointment in their eyes. It will be the worst day in my life... I have been their hero, it is hard to fall short... I know we will always have what we have now, they are good kids... they deserve better, I am just going to have to find a way to make this situation into a means to do better.

You can choose not to tell them and risk them finding out by a third party. If you think they will be disappointed in you know, just wait to find out how disappointed in you they will be when they learn that their father hid the truth from them.

If they are good, smart kids they will respect you for telling the truth and owning up to your mistakes and past indiscretions.

Yeah ... I don't want to see the disappointment in their eyes. It will be the worst day in my life ... I have been their hero, it is hard to fall short ... I know we will always have what we have now, they are good kids ... they deserve better, I am just going to have to find a way to make this situation into a means to do better.

Huh? Why should they be disappointed in you? Do you think they think you were a virgin when you married their mother? You keep forgetting you only had a small part in making this situation (you had sex with the mother). From there, everything else was taken out of your hands. You didn't choose to not be a father to this woman. And, if they are good kids (and old enough), they will judge you by how you deal with the situation now, not how the situation came to being.

You can choose not to tell them and risk them finding out by a third party. If you think they will be disappointed in you know, just wait to find out how disappointed in you they will be when they learn that their father hid the truth from them.

If they are good, smart kids they will respect you for telling the truth and owning up to your mistakes and past indiscretions.

You are right - they need to hear this from me. I always say I want honesty from them and we can deal with whatever comes our way. Time to follow my own advice and stick to my standards


Huh?? Why should they be disappointed in you? Do you think they think you were a virgin when you married their mother? You keep forgetting you only had a small part in making this situation (you had sex with the mother). From there, everything else was taken out of your hands. You didn't choose to not be a father to this woman. And, if they are good kids (and old enough), they will judge you by how you deal with the situation now, not how the situation came to being.

They are good kids, things will be fine - hopfully it will be one of those lessons learned things and they will be better people because they learn from my mistakes and the example I set in the here and now

I continue to be concerned with what I see as avoidance. The wife doesn't want an illegitimate stepchild. The "child" "will not be presented as a half sister. She may be a blood relation and that will have to be proven .... but I know now that I cannot elevate her to the level of family member. I cannot do this - regardless of my wife's feelings important as they are, I am sure I would feel the same way." The "child" is blood, like it or not - and "elevated" to family status?

Agreed that the "child's" approach appears to have been thoughtless, but no one has heard her story.

I don't think I would have respect for someone who, upon learning he has a child, his rights were denied, he had no knowledge of the child, is now driven to deny, ignore or disown that child who, through no fault of her own, finds herself in this situation. I just feel that ignoring a person who reached out, however inappropriately, because the truth would upset the wife, the other children, the neighbors, is likewise irresponsible and heartless. I would be so busy fuming at anyone/everyone who had part in the deception that I'd have little time and energy to be angry with the child.

And if the wife would have walked away upon hearing that there was an out-of-wedlock child (and I realize the OP was not aware of the child's existence) I wonder what will happen if one of her children fails to live up to her standards.

Sad all the way around.

I continue to be concerned with what I see as avoidance. The wife doesn't want an illegitimate stepchild. The "child" "will not be presented as a half sister. She may be a blood relation and that will have to be proven .... but I know now that I cannot elevate her to the level of family member. I cannot do this - regardless of my wife's feelings important as they are, I am sure I would feel the same way." The "child" is blood, like it or not - and "elevated" to family status?

Agreed that the "child's" approach appears to have been thoughtless, but no one has heard her story.

I don't think I would have respect for someone who, upon learning he has a child, his rights were denied, he had no knowledge of the child, is now driven to deny, ignore or disown that child who, through no fault of her own, finds herself in this situation. I just feel that ignoring a person who reached out, however inappropriately, because the truth would upset the wife, the other children, the neighbors, is likewise irresponsible and heartless. I would be so busy fuming at anyone/everyone who had part in the deception that I'd have little time and energy to be angry with the child.

And if the wife would have walked away upon hearing that there was an out-of-wedlock child (and I realize the OP was not aware of the child's existence) I wonder what will happen if one of her children fails to live up to her standards.

Sad all the way around.

Out of greenies. SO you hve to settle with one of these. Greenie

First of all thank you for your input.

I am sorry you have no respect for me and even less for my wife.

Yes there is avoidance here. Our life was perfectly fine without knowledge of this child and I think that is the way it should have stayed. I have no emotional connection to the child. I was not much more than a sperm donor. Legal standing as a father was taken long ago and given to another. And by the child's own statement she has loving parents and that is good.

Shared genetic will not make this child a member of my family. She has a family, a loving family. She has shared experiences with them, they laid the foundation for her as they saw fit. She has lead her life based on that foundation and she is past the formative years. I do not want a second family and she is not a part of the family I have.

I have heard all I care to hear of her story - she grew up in a city, she lives in a town, she went to college she has a job and a husband and a child of her own.

The child exists - she is not mine - she is someone else's. Her birth mother saw to that. I have no legal standing and rights were severed long ago. When rights are severed so are obligations. I never challenged her assertion and provided medical history. I determined she has no medical issues currently that may require consideration - if she needed something like say bone marrow or a kidney I would not deny her help because that is something she could not get from her family.

If I am less respectable because I chose my wife and family over a stranger - so be it.

If I chose not to be proud of this event in my life and want a course that keeps this private that is my choice. If I am angered because of the way this unfolded - I can only say I am human. The fact that I want to address this within my family on my terms does not seem unreasonable.

The child chose to come bargring in like a bull in a china cabinet. The child chose to contact me rather than use the more appropriate contact method. Perhaps had I been contacted by a professional, given time to think things through, determine boundaries things might have gone better. I am not angry with the child because she exists - I am angry with her approach. She has needs, but she considered no one else's needs. Her needs are not more important.

I think you have miss interpreted my reference to my wife walking on by and I think you know you have. Taking on a step daughter in a relationship takes so doing - more responsibility that she would have been interested in. If she walked into that situation without consideration and being honest with herself she would have been a fool. And if now she does not want to share her husband with another family and does not want to incorporate that child into her family that is something I have to consider.

Having exacting standards that emphasises doing one's best is not a bad thing. My wife expects a lot of her self as well as of our children and she gives of herself to help them succeed. We hope our standards will help our children avoid making mistakes and that we have provided a foundation that allows for growth from mistakes.

I don't know why you feel the need to be so mean spirited. And I wish you had offered some realistic suggestions that would explain what an adopted child is looking for when she says she needs to be completed by a stranger and how one goes about meeting that need while retaining their life.

It is easy to say I am not worthy of your respect - I don't hear any suggestion of a couse of action that might be more respectable.

So, what is your question really? You say this is an adult daughter who was adopted and raised by someone else. You've conferred upon her the status of a nobody in your life. That's your decision. You want us to tell you it's OK to reject her. Well, you can if you want to.

The thing is, you are forgetting your part in this. You decided as a young adult, when you were certainly old enough to understand the consequences of your actions, that you would take advantage of the fact that some random women, whom you did not care about and with whom you did not want a relationship, was drunk. You had unprotected sex with her. Afterwards, you made no efforts to contact or see her to ensure that she was not carrying your child. You treated her like some inconsequential person - yesterday's paper. She got pregnant. For some reason - perhaps the fact that you obviously didn't care about her - she didn't involve you in the pregnancy.

Now, there's no question, she was absolutely wrong. If you were Atilla the Hun, she still owed it to you to tell you that she was carrying your baby. But this is a woman under tremendous distress - she made a bad decision. You can vilify her for it or you can try to understand. She apparently did not think you would want the baby. Was she wrong? She apparently thought you would not be supportive to her. Was she wrong? She apparently thought you considered her an easy, drunk lay who you could have your fun with and kick to the curb - was she wrong about that? You still talk about her in pretty much those terms - I think she knew exactly the level of esteem she held in your eyes and just decided to handle this on her own. Again, wrong decision - but is any part of it understandable?

Now you talk about the heartache and cost and embarrassment and interference in your life of finding out you have an adult daughter. Have you given any thought whatsoever to the result of your actions with this woman on her life? She probably had to at least drop out of college for a few semesters - maybe she didn't finish as a result of your good time. What about her shame getting pregnant in college? What about how her family felt. How do you suppose her father felt about what you did to HIS family. What about how he looked to his family and friends, having an unwed, pregnant daughter. Do you think he might have lost some sleep wondering where he went wrong as a parent?

What does this girl mean by "complete me"? She means that she need to know who she is. She needs to know where she came from. Who did she get her eyes from, her talents, her interests, her laugh. What is nature, what is nurture. Would you have loved her had you known her. Would you have kept her. Do you care about her? That's what she needs. She needs it from her father. But you've answered the questions already. You don't care, you don't love her, you don't want her. She means nothing to you. She is the result of a meaningess encounter with a drunk as far as you are concerned.

What most concerns me is that years ago, when you were a young man in college - young and foolish - you treated a young woman like she was worth nothing. A daughter resulted and do to neither her fault or yours, she never had you in her life. And your response is to treat her with the same lack of concern or value or respect with which you treated her mother. You feel that rejecting your own daughter makes you a better husband and better father to your other children. If you do this thing - reject her - your other children can better look up to you.

It's a tough situation and has been grossly unfair to you. The thing is, the one person who did nothing wrong is this young woman. You're mad she didn't come find you in a more "appropriate way"? What the hell is an "appropriate way" to find your parents who conceived you in such an unconcionably irresponsible and thoughtless and selfish manner? The girl needed to find her father.

I am sorry to be hard on you but I was married to an adopted man, and am the adoptive mother of a teenage boy. Both had to find their birth families - absolutely had to do it. If it is selfish to seek out your parents as an adopted child, I can only respond by saying that it is no more selfish than concieving a child outside of a committed relationship. The child is making the best of the mess they inherited from thoughtless parents.

I agree with other who have pointed out that your wife's upset is unreasonable - this was not an infidelity in your marriage. You are not being sent to the stocks, and as an adult man you can set the tone for how everyone else handles this. You can stand up and take responsibility for your actions years ago, and be clear that you regret that you did not know all these years that you had a daughter. You can put your priority on meeting her needs and expect others around you to fall in line and support you or shut up about it. Would you, for a moment, let anyone - your wife or ANYONE - prevent you from being the best father you can to your other children? Why does this flesh and blood woman who you conceived deserve anything less than your best? Why does anyone have the right to interfere in you being a father to this adult woman, who likely needs little more from you that to acknowledge her, like her, accept her, spend some time with her.

I understand that this is a shock and not being told was really a horrible thing done to you. But your anger at this young woman is really wacky and wrong, and your attitude toward her is reprehensibly hurtful.

I have no legal standing and rights were severed long ago. When rights are severed so are obligations. I never challenged her assertion and provided medical history. I determined she has no medical issues currently that may require consideration - if she needed something like say bone marrow or a kidney I would not deny her help because that is something she could not get from her family.


Depending on where you live she may still have a legal tie to you in the end. You must be aware of this when planning your future. In some states inheiritence can still be had even after an adoption has taken place. So should you write a will or create a trust then you need to consider it as part of your actions if in fact that right remains.


Also please don't infer that we are trying to beat up on you in some way. Those of us that have expressed a view contrary to your own are doing so out of the compassion we hold for others. It provides an outlook for you to consider. Not a judgement or determination.

It is not that we don't respect you. Nor are we being mean spirited. But most of the people on this site try not to sugarcoat things. We read what a poster tells us and we have to make judgments or ask for more info to make judgments. We also understand that there are usually two sides to a story and we are only hearing one side.

So our responses have offered sympathy, empathy and criticism. In our opinions all are justified based on what you have posted.

This is not disrespect, nor is it mean spirited. It is trying to give you the best advice we can to deal with your situation. Sometimes you may not like that advice. That doesn't mean the advice isn't good or that the advice was not offered in the spirit of help.

Applause for the last reply - and a greenie.

For some reason I cannot "cut and paste" so I'll quote: "I think you have miss interpreted my reference to my wife walking on by and I think you know you have. Taking on a step daughter in a relationship takes so doing - more responsibility that she would have been interested in. ... And if now she does not want to share her husband with another family and does not want to incorporate that child into her family that is something I have to consider."

For starters I am most certainly not deliberately misunderstanding you, nor am I pretending that I misunderstand you. I believe I am hearing you loud and clear.

As far as not sharing "her husband" with that husband's child I can only give you my experience. My late husband had two children, my stepchildren. I "share" him with them. After some time I married a widower with three children, my stepchildren. I "shared" him with them. I know all about being a stepmother, both with a living mother and a deceased mother. I loved/love the men. T
Hey had children. Could I love someone who walked away from his responsibiities? No.
'
My husbands' love for me and love for their children is a different love. I also never "shared" love - hearts are elastic. There is/was room for everyone.

I also didn't/don't own my husbands, so no "sharing" is involved.

I already asked if your wife believed you were a virgin when she married you. Apparently she did not. Did she know you made "mistakes" when you had too much to drink - and I'm not certain if the mistake was having sex with a woman who (according to you) was almost a stranger, failing to use protection or having what sounds like spontaneous, very casual, drunken sex. I also was once young and single. I also wasn't stupid.

Were I your wife I would be disappointed in your past behavior as well as your present behavior. But, and I'm sure we're both grateful for this fact - I am not your wife.

And again - I hope none of your children ever disappoint your wife.

When you come on a public board seeking advice about such a personal, complicated matter I always wonder - why not a therapist; why not an Attorney; why are you resentful when people don't agree with you? If you want sympathy, talk to your friends. If you want to know what other people are thinking (based on experience), post on AMHD.

And speaking of Attorneys - the child cannot "automatically" inherit from your estate IF she was legally adopted. She can if she was not. I would cover that with an Attorney in your State.

Well thank you all very much

Good bye