hi,there is something i would like to share with you about my fiancee and i. we are having some problems that i/we need help with. first of all i will tell you a little quick info about us, i am 34 yrs, and god blessed me with 6 wonderful children, ages 18,13,12,11,8,3. i have been in this relationship for 11 years now. he is the father to 3 of the children. he is 37yrs and a very intelligent, smart and sure enough a handsome looking man. He grew up with no father and lost his hand at 3 years old in a grain auger.He does work and he does play some sports. (good at it to) I do see some stress factors and Little depression oh and totally anxiety. He disagrees that he has such things.The anger that he was built with, effects us everyday! It's like walking on egg shells.He has NEVER physically abused me nor the kids but motionitly yes! With him not having a father in his life is really difficult for him to father his own children.Atleast thats what i wanta think.He is nice to the kids, we all go to parks and play ball or go out for ice cream. Ya no things like that he does. I just wish he would do more and i no the kids wish the same. how can i change him? How can he change himself? Can there be a change? I no he can! I no there is a way! I no there is help! On September 16Th 2010 at 7:30pm i was having a huge head ace that i swear was trying to kill me, So i went into the emergency room to see what was wrong and why wasn't this pain going away. Well after getting a cat-scan done the Dr came into the room and informed us that i had a brain aneurysms, and needed to be rushed to st.Louis barns Jewish hospital for immediate brain surgery. My family was informed that as soon as i arrived and they started the 11 hour surgery, that a blood vessel just had erupted while they were putting coils in the vessels, any later then when i arrived, i would of died instantly!! Every 7 months i have to go and get an angeogram done to check the clamps and the coils. Yes i am very fortunate to be here. With my kids that is.lately i have been reading posts, blogs, and even books on how to know if you're marriage is unhappy,does he love you and how to fix them. You're site really got my attention and understandings. I no that couples do have some problems in their relationship and i also no that you cant be in a fairy tale relationship. that is,,if you find a man with a big warm heart and shows you what love really is,,then MAYBE you might of found the right one. When we argue, most of the time he yells at me,degrades me,curses at me, (no name calling though) Threatens me by telling me that he is done with me and he is going to take his 3 kids. I ask him why would he do that to me and he says cuz i couldn't take care of all 6 by myself, (due to my mental illness) Doesn't wanta pay child support, and don't want his 3 kids around some other guy!!
Did he quit caring for my feelings?
When we argue he brings down my self of steam. He sees that he is hurting my feelings and i cry. He still continues to degrade me and yell and when I'm still crying he always says these highlighted words to me." OMG, why, or, "i ain't dealing with this or, "you're doing this to you're self terina" I'm stating the facts to you and I'm sooo annoyed with happening to tell you things over and over again like a child"! it gets frustrating when you forget. when i discipline the kids and you give them leeway. its like i don't matter to you and the kids cuz its like it don't matter what i say or what i do, no-one listens to me i always get disrespected by everyone!we but heads all the time. you always have something to say when i punish one of YOU'RE kids! I tell James 3 times to take out the recycle and he didn't!Gabby keeps sneaking the phone and texing her dumb friends! Bryson (3yrs) is outside naked ! you always make up excuses! terina i ain't stupid don't lie to me girl! (when i really am telling the truth).Its like it don't matter to him that my feelings are hurt and i am crying. He also has a problem apologizing after an argument. that makes me cry. I feel like he is disciplining me for the kids mistakes. Is he? If I'm in a bad mood and i act like a b@#REPLACE to him and rood, i ALWAYS apologize for my behavior. He doesn't! When we do argue i am the one sitting down listing to him yell and complain, waiting for my turn to talk back. When i do he tags my words with a BUT,WELL,WHATEVER,AND. For an example( i asked James /13yrs/to walk up and get me a soda and i will by James one for doing that for me. well Jason argues at me that i don't have to buy him a soda for going to get me one) is he being a JERK? or does he got a point? I feel that he is in control and i am the blind girl in the corner getting tormented and picked on.its like i don't feel secure by him anymore because he never shows any positive concern to me when we have our disagrements or even when i'm being motional over it. I no i have to be strong and not show/be weak when argueing with him. It makes me feel as if he has the power to blame me and seeing that he is getting his way, makes him feel good.but listening to the man that supposedly loves you cussing and yelling at you all the time," HURTS".
Is he trying his way out of the relationship?
Most of the time after an argument he leaves and gone for 3or 4 hrs. I stay home with the kids and TRY not to take things out on them after they herd us arguing and hearing dad yelling at me and me crying! later on at night he is in the mood for sex. SERIOUSLY!!!HA,,Not me!! THEN we argue about that. I tell him that the way he treats me by yelling, cussing, not analogizing "there is no way i would want to have sex. Not just that, i really don't even want to be around you, lol at least until you apologize and explain to me why you did what you did. Then he will get an attitude cuz he has to,lol but he does sometimes.I no that I'm young and i no that a male has more sexual desires then us woman(at least that's what i think) Due to my brain surgery's and parenting 6 children all day is very stress full. Just to mention i clean, control the chores, fold his cloths, make and take to apointments, all thier school activities and confrences, take all phone calls and make all phone calls, pick up after him(clothes,dishes,beer/soda cans, take kids swimming, bake treats,mate his socks,fix all minnor house hold objects,do resumes on pc for him to get better job. I FEEL like i do alot for him and everyone in this house.Expecualy when I KNOW he sees that im stressin or sweating,,he dont even bother to help me unless i ask him to. i dont complaine realy. just when i ask him to help me with something, he either has an attitude about doing so or he just simply wont do it later! Do i have all rights to be sexless,non enterests, stressed, just sad the way he treats me? Should'nt i be concerned that he don't love me or does'nt care bout my feeling? we have sex 2 or 3 times a week. i think thats ok. he don't though! he wants more. He thinks I'm not interested in him anymore and that i don't want to be with him anymore,,,,That's not true at all.I do love him. I do find him attractive. We have a bedtime set for them and i feel that when they all are in bed "now it's my time". No one interrupting me, no yelling, no getting drinks, no answering to thousands of ?s, no wineing. Ya know, (Quiet time)! I like to get on the computer and learn things and pay some bills, play games, crafts, pictures. I feel so relaxed. Grocery list, appointment logs, i take notes down so that i can date them in the computer things like that that needs to be done. Well apparently when i have time to myself from all day with the kids, going to the store, swimming with my 3 year old out back lol it's a problem to Jason that i get on the computer. EVERY time i am on the PC I'm usually done by 2 or 3 hrs. He pops in for a second to see what I'm doing i guess. Or giving me a hint ( ya gonna come into bed with me) most of the time he even gives me dirty looks or mumbles things to me.He even sighs when he walks away. There are times when i hear the bedroom door open i hurry and times i pretend i look very tired, i would pretend i watching something on TV then looking on computer. why do i do this?? I do give him loves,sex,communication,affection, and attention. NOT every day though i do. I'm sometimes to exhausted to even think bout sex or affectionate! He assumes that i am going to bed the same time as him. That's at 11 or midnight. The kids go to bed at 10:30 (summer school). There is no way i can have time to myself. Why cant i do the things that i like? Allot of things that have to be done that i actually like doing. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times a week. I cant read his mind nor can i explained to him (like the way i want to) that i do love him,I'm not cheating, I'm still interested in him, i don't think our sex is boring,I'm not on any kinda drugs. We don't need to have sex every night!! I DON'T KNOW why i don't want to go into bed when he does. Why is this? I ain't doing anything wrong am i? Or is it that he just don't like seeing me enjoying myself? My Question for you is",do i have a/the problem or is it him? i realy want to thank you for you're time and I HOPE to hear back from you, MAY god bless you, thanks Terina L.

The problem with your relationship is that you are both very busy and probably overwhelmed with everything you have to do. Then at the end of the day, when you are both tired and exhausted each of you wants the other one to say something positive to the other. For example, you want him to appreciate everything you did all day long, to tell you that dinner was great, to thank you for doing his laundry and taking care of the house, you want to be appreciated. He, on the other hand, has been working all day to provide for you and the kids and he wants you to tell him how wonderful he is and how much you appreciate him working all day.

When he doesn't thank you, you get upset and frustrated and start crying, when you don't thank him, he gets upset and frustrated and starts yelling. So, you have created a vicious cycle in which you are both miserable and neither one of you feels appreciated.

You cannot fix this by making him appreciate you. But, you can fix it by starting to appreciate him. Once you do that, he will appreciate you as well.

The secret to a good marriage is to make the other person feel good. He will then make you feel good. It's just the way it is!

You are actually very lucky- you have a hard working man who provides for you and all the kids. He has even taken on three kids that aren't his, how wonderful is that ? Tell him that he is wonderful, thank him for working all day. Tell him that you admire him. Thank him for taking care of you. If you need his help, don't say, I've been working all day I need you to take out the garbage! Say, honey, I know that you are tired from working all day but would you mind taking out the garbage ? If he does something around the house, don't tell him he did it wrong, thank him for doing it!
Instead of looking at sex like a chore, be grateful that he is attracted to you. Relax and try to enjoy it, it's good for you and it releases stress. You can get back up and do your crafts afterwards!

Try these things for a while. I guarantee he will appreciate you more and treat you better.

Why after all this time are you two not married?
I think it would help if you went to some couples counseling so you can learn how to communicate.
Him putting you down and yelling at you is not cool and he certainly should not be doing it in front of the kids.
He may work all day but you are working too, it is not easy taking care of kids when you have health issues yourself.