Sorry for the long post, but I got to get it off my chest. This happened one month ago.

I'm 25m, my ex-gf is 23, we dated for 6 months. I'm trying to make sense of the relationship so I can learn from it, but its very difficult.

My girlfriend came over a month ago and broke up with me because she felt we were "too different" and that she didn't like the way she was talking to me and "resented me". She said that just because we liked each other didn't mean we would work out. She said she wasn't herself and that she was stressed out from moving into the city, etc, and that she didn't know what I was thinking. She said I was a great guy and awesome boyfriend, but obviously there may be other reasons for why she broke up with me. I agreed with her and explained that I didn't like the way she was treating me, and we parted ways amicably. She came back 3 days later, truly regretting breaking up, and she tried to mend it, but I stood my ground and she got upset, and we ended things worse than before (against my wishes). I am still not entirely sure totally why she broke it off, but I wonder if her reasons were innocent (stress, etc) and whether she truly made a mistake breaking up or whether her reasons were dubious. Our last date wasn't too great. We were both in bad moods, but she was being pretty harsh towards me.

It was my first serious relationship, and I was always giving her the benefit of the doubt because I thought she was so mature and experiened, even though my initial intuitions were a little worrisome. I did really like her and was proud to call her my girlfriend. I think I was sweet to her, but I found her to be controlling, even since the beginning now that I look back on it. She is always running the show with her friends. She was critical and ALWAYS had to be involved in a conversation in the room. She could be very sweet and would get me gifts on occasion, and we often laughed, and she often was patient with my shortcomings, but other times she would be in a really bad mood, and would be rude to me, most annoyingly in front of others. She sometimes tried to censor me when I talked, which was annoying, but I never stood up for myself. My family said she was "not warm" and "intimidating" but I still really liked her, and I believe her friends and family really liked me. I am not perfect myself, but this is my intuition. I never really confronted her too much, and I don't know whether it was me beinga "man" and not discussing my emotions much, or whether she was just so difficult and unpredictable to confront, I closed off. I became unsure of how to act in front of her or her friends. I was confused

Towards the end of the relationship, I became really complacent and zoned out. I felt like I was crossing my fingers in hopes that she was in a good mood every time I would see her. But, she really did control the relationship quite early on, as soon as we even met each other. She said she was bratty as a child, and spoke of her anxiety and jealousy at times. She had a good relationship in college with someone which she spoke of quite often, but there were a myriad of other previous relationships (that I don't really know the details of). Still, people seem to like her and she has a lot of friends.



In the end, it ended in a very confusing way:

She came back 3 days after breaking up with me, first coming to my house but I wasn't home. The next day she came over to talk, saying that she wasn't able to sleep or eat, and didn't feel relieved about the breakup. She said that we needed to be more communicative with each other. She stated that we needed to be more communicative with one another to salvage this, and I retorted that would just lead to us arguing. She promised she wouldn't argue back, but really I think in the past she made it very difficult for me to open up with her, especially with concerns. She was always pushing back, or would put things back on me, and wasn't easy-going, even by her own admission.

I then asked her if I could list some concerns, and I stood up for myself and explained how I felt I had been treated (with specific examples), such as how she took her bad moods out on me, I felt like she was embarrassed of me, didn't appreciate my sense of humor, etc. She left the reconciliation attempt feeling pretty sour, and I felt a little pressured and gave her some mixed signals about getting back together, even though I needed more time to think. She gave me some feedback on my concerns, and told me some things that I could have improved upon as well. She gave me some feedback on that sometimes I shut down when I'm upset, that sometimes my feelings may have not made sense, I have the tendency to talk and say things that I don't think about possibly having an effect on her (like saying someone on TV is pretty, which is true and I regret), etc. A few times I've innocently said something or criticized something not directly about her without really thinking about how it impacted her. Perhaps she was right, and this is all fair and I apologized. I also asked her honestly what her friends thought about "us" and she said that they all liked me. She did take responsibility for a lot of the issues in our relationship, however, and promised to work on them. Still, it was mostly me listing the concerns, which I am sad that she wasn't expecting this or wasn't ready to respond. I feel bad about this.

When I started to list my concerns during reconiliation, I told her we weren't a "team" in front of other people, we didn't play off each other, but rather I would have to stand guard against her sometimes. She thought perhaps this was because of my own insecurities, moods, etc, which has some validity. The fact that the immediately put my concerns back on me was very difficult. She was taking some of the responsibility, but was also pushing some of it back on me. I just acknowledged her responses and continued listing concerns to avoid argument.

I told her that I liked her a lot and that I cared, but I needed to digest everything. Her mood was very different from when she first got there, and she said she felt "weird" and that the "ball was in my court". I felt pressured and told her that we could potentially make it work out.

The next day I hadn't yet called her, and got a text saying that she felt she had been dropped. I called immediately, quite frustrated. She yelled at me for "sh*tting on her". I explained that I was trying to get my concerns out, and she said that she would try and work on them. I told her that by breaking up with me, she instilled some doubts in me. I do suppose I let a lot out the previous night, but I had to get it out and be honest. In the end, I suggested we take it slow, retreat to our corners, and that if she wanted we could get lunch the coming weekend, but she said "no way I'm throwing away the previous 6 months". I told her not to forget why she broke up with me to try and get her to think logically, but she accused me of being angry about being broken up with. She felt bad that I hadn't called her as soon as I had promised the earlier day, and implied that I wasn't the only one going through the breakup, and to consider her feelings as well. I said "let's not end this badly" and she said "too bad" so I say "okay, bye" and we hung up.

What the hell happened!

Sh*t happens. ;-)

You were incompatible in style, and communications skills so you broke up. That's what happened. Let the dust settle on this one, fella, it was only 6 months, and a laid back fellow like you was just overwhelmed by an aggressive, impulsive, emotional female like her. She runs over you, and that doesn't sit well with you.

That's what happened, the experiment failed, but I bet you learned something about aggressive, impulsive, emotional females. Take your lessons and move forward, and stop being intimidated by her aggressive style.

Seriously... She has her personality and you have your personality. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. We were all born with strengths and weaknesses. It is one of the reasons we need each other in life for to support and depend on each other, whether it be with family, friends or lovers. If relations become toxic we can disenroll those people from our lives hoping for a new and better beginning in another space in time. When?. When they choose to conduct themselves upon their strengths and not feed off their weaknesses. We could also take a personal inventory of how we are conducting our own self at this time. We support them by respecting our self and our space... and respecting their space. It's been said, “If we give them wings and they return, it was meant to be…if they do not return, it was never meant to be.”

You are overanalyzing everything. What has happened till now and what is happening right now is not important at all. Even as to why she broke up with you is not important. The only thing that is, is that the break up happened, and I understand this can be confusing especially considering that this is your first real one. Go no contact, accept the break up, and let time heal your heartache.

With a volitile person like her - you can expect her to flip back and forth in her emotions and jerk you around --- don't let her!
If she broke up with you, wanted to reconcile and then went into ego/fear/freak-out mode when you started to talk about your experience and felt "sh*t on" that just means that your incompatibilities were pretty deep to begin with. Her intentions aren't really to learn how it felt to be you - or even maybe to reconcile. This kind of dynamic is confusing as hell. Don't make it worse by trying to defend and describe your feelings, position, what "should have been" -- at this point it doesn't matter and she's not really interested in all that.

Move on... you now know that fearful, low-self-worth, pushy-aggressive types don't work well with your communication and relationship needs.

This is the most eye-opening set of responses ever! Way to put things into perspective. I certainly now know what kinds of women to stay away from.

With a volitile person like her - you can expect her to flip back and forth in her emotions and jerk you around --- don't let her!
if she broke up with you, wanted to reconcile and then went into ego/fear/freak-out mode when you started to talk about your experience and felt "sh*t on" that just means that your incompatibilities were pretty deep to begin with. Her intentions aren't really to learn how it felt to be you - or even maybe to reconcile. This kind of dynamic is confusing as hell. Don't make it worse by trying to defend and describe your feelings, position, what "should have been" -- at this point it doesn't matter and she's not really interested in all that.

Move on... you now know that fearful, low-self-worth, pushy-aggressive types don't work well with your communication and relationship needs.

Does this mean that it was wrong of me to have expressed my concerns quite matter-of-factly when she was trying to reconcile?

No, not wrong... but there is no point. You won't win understanding that way and she ultimately doesn't care how you feel/felt -- she will make it about herself and see you as the bad guy and herself as the victim.

Take a step beyond what she did and take some of her concerns and criticisms, find where they're TRUE (to some degree) and work on those things in yourself and in your next relationship.

Thanks for your advice.

I think anything that doesn't go her way, she would have gone off the deep end regardless. It may be your nature to be reasonable, but that's a sign of weakness to her. A signal for her to be more aggressive. It also signals to you to stand and push back, and be firm in your position, no matter what hers is. Her goal is to control, yours is to not be controlled at all. Aggressive people will listen to reason only after you have not been blown away by, or weakened by their initial onslaught. Until they are convinced they MUST respect you, they never will.

The lesson to be learned and carried not just to your next relationship, but any other human interaction, is to be true to yourself, and know who you are dealing with. This stood out when I was reading your post,


My girlfriend came over a month ago and broke up with me because she felt we were "too different" and that she didn't like the way she was talking to me and "resented me".
This explained she was aware of her behavior, and gave you the opening to call her on it, and air your OWN resentments. You chose to step back and NOT answer her. At least in a way she was willing to listen to. And this is why,


She sometimes tried to censor me when I talked, which was annoying, but I never stood up for myself. My family said she was "not warm" and "intimidating" but I still really liked her, and I believe her friends and family really liked me. I am not perfect myself, but this is my intuition. I never really confronted her too much, and I dont know whether it was me beinga "man" and not discussing my emotions much, or whether she was just so difficult and unpredictable to confront, I closed off. I became unsure of how to act in front of her or her friends. I was confused
I use these as example to show you that its not just her behavior, but yours also that led to this disconnect. Take responsibility for your own contribution to this situation (which I think you do), and recognize the changes YOU need to make.

Old guy to young guy, be true to yourself. This is but a learning experience, so you will learn. LOL, opposites do attract, but you still have to stand for yourself, both in public, and in private.

Next time you will tell an aggressive female (or any aggressive person), when they have crossed the lines of good behavior with you, or remove yourself from the situation, a very powerful signal in itself. Boundaries are crucial in a relationship, or any human interaction. Know your own personal boundaries, and stand for them, then there will be no confusion.

Change that "nice" guy, into a GOOD guy.

Communication and understanding are a big part of any relationship. You need to be able to voice your concerns in a timely fashion without starting disagreement. From the sounds of it, it should have ended a lot sooner. You can't say a girl is PRETTY on TV and not get in an argument over it? Come on, me and the girlfriend watch movies and TV all the time, many times have I mentioned that actors are attractive, she doesn't care! I remember going to see a movie a couple weekends ago, "What to expect when expecting" Told my girlfriend "Cameron Diaz is smokin' for her age!" Her response, "I know, it's nuts!" You've got to find someone like that, that you can talk to and communicate with and not have to live on edge in fear she's going to snap and get mad.

Communication and understanding are a big part of any relationship. You need to be able to voice your concerns in a timely fashion without starting disagreement. From the sounds of it, it should have ended a lot sooner. You can't say a girl is PRETTY on TV and not get in an arguement over it? Come on, me and the girlfriend watch movies and TV all the time, many times have I mentioned that actors are attractive, she doesn't care! I remember going to see a movie a couple weekends ago, "What to expect when expecting" Told my girlfriend "Cameron Diaz is smokin' for her age!" Her response, "I know, it's nuts!" You've gotta find someone like that, that you can talk to and communicate with and not have to live on edge in fear she's going to snap and get mad.

LOL, I think I would have called the OP's girl at the first sign of desrepect in public, or just left her there.

lol, i think i would have called the op's girl at the first sign of desrepect in public, or just left her there.
Lol.

This is all very true. It was my fault for not pushing back and defending myself. She even suggested it when we were reconciling. But, in the end, she didn't want to give me time or space, and so I did not have the ability to think about the relationship. Perhaps she got frustrated that I wasn't hearing her out, or that I was too aggressive in airing my own concerns. Perhaps in the end I should have taken her reconciliation attempt, as she was really putting herself out there. Now, unfortunately, I'm beating myself up for not standing up for myself.

Don't beat yourself up, and don't take all the blame. Mourn your loss and get back to healthy thinking. Get ready for the next event in your life.