Firsty we are both 26 years old and have been with each other for 18 months. My girlfriend has recently been suffering with stress and depression at work. Her job is basically killing her. Working 7.30 am - 7pm sometimes in an office, way past her normal hours of work. It has been building up for 4 weeks and last Wednesday it got all too much for her. She walked out of her job and her manager had to literally drag her back.. she eventually cooled down and carried on as normal. This was after a 4 day break which we enjoyed together, away from work and away from normal life, we came back home last Monday and things we're fine. Well, that's what I thought. Come Thursday evening I receive a text out of the blue from her saying "We need to discuss things about our relationship" Me having no idea what she was on about started panicing and wondering what things could she be on about? We are fine and just returned from a holiday break?

Thursday evening she arrives at mine. Face to face we sit down and she explains to me how upset, stressed and on the brink of depression she is. Because of what's been happening at work, too much work put on her etc. The conversation then moves onto our relationship. She delivers the dreaded words of "I want to be on my own, I am so tired and down to see you, to communicate with you, or to do anything with you anymore. I want space to get better and to see how i feel in a few weeks...i really want to be with you and get back to normal but i need time alone now" - I was heart broken and speechless. I tried to explain to her that finishing with me is not the right thing to do when your already depressed and stressed out. She was having none of it. She was determined to leave my house that night breaking up with me. She left after an hour. We we're both in tears n upset and I held it all back and said to her 'Ok, just do what you need to do to get yourself better, because that's all that matters right now and I respect your decision." Before all of this, when she was upset 4 weeks ago, her Mom told me that she aint well at all and wanted her to have a break from me because it wasnt fair on me seeing her like this. My girlfriend brought this up in the convo on the thursday evening... basically whatever her mom says or advises she will listen and 9 times out of 10 do what her mom advises. I really think this is the case here.

An hour later when she's home she calls me asking if i am Ok because she is concerned about me. I said I'm fine, are you? she said yeah im alright. And that is the last time we have spoken. After the phone call she sends me a text which reads - "I just need to send you this text, please be understanding that you haven't done anything to hurt me and I love you dearly. Please give me time out, get myself sorted having a few weeks apart and I want to know how I feel. I'm really sorry if I have hurt you but there was no intentions of this being like this, please keep in contact with me as at this present moment I feel so low, depressed and I don't want to be doing anything. Mom is really worried about me.x"

After this i took an hour to think what do do, whether it be no contact from now or a text back. I decided the later. My text back was quite simply "I am always here for you and if there is anything you need. I respect your decision because I care and love you deeply. I need my own space now. Thank you for our precious times and memories together x"

She replied with "I'm really grateful that you have answered me and I'll leave you alone until you text me when your ready"

I am so confused. Why is she contradicting herself and sending mixed signals? Why is she asking me to give her space but also saying not to stay out of contact? I have been told to give her a couple of weeks, no contact, and to then ask the question to her, I need to know where I stand. Are we on a 'break' or have we broke up for good permanently? I want to try and avoid false hope and the mixed signals and uncertainty is killing me.

Take this as a break up, and start moving on. Depressed, stressed, and without clue of what she wants is not the type of girl you need in your life. If she ever gets better, then good for her, but you need to move on, keep living your life and don't let HER problems afflict you.

I forgot to add probably the most important point of all. We work in the same work place but luckily not in the same office. Obviously word will get round sooner or later but I am still confused and uncertain to what is happening here.

Im currently going through similar problems with my missus... she also just wants to be on her own, she is currently on anti depressents. Im guessing like me you've probably read up on depression, read up on how to try and handle this and been on other online forums to see what people say. I have to say they're mainly full of mixed messages. Truth is I think were guilty of trying to second guess what's going on and wanting answers, ironically she is probably looking for answers too, which will be why she wants to be on her own. In a nutshell... we both screwed!

Hi again Chris, Seems you have gone full circle and are back to square one again,

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/office-flirt-has-turned-into-something-much-more-but-where-do-stand-535756.html

I think you have been around long enough to know that you better stop letting her run your emotions up, and down the flag pole. You have made her confusion yours, and that's never a good way to make a decision about your actions. Back away from her for a while, that was her suggestion, and let her miss you. In this way you get YOUR emotions under control, and get your own dignity and self respect back into perspective.

So what if the people on the job find out you have split. You already know her history, and no need to be caught up in what's she is going through now, whatever it is. Its bigger than that and you have to deal with the FACT she has dumped you, and act like it.

Leave her alone for a while guy, and get your head together and do not chase her by staying in touch, as a friend, text buddy, emotional tampon or anything else. That adds to the confusion, false hope, and uncertainty. If she changes her mind she knows where to find you.

How can you be unsure of where you stand when you get dumped? That's the risk you took dating a co worker, so let the dust settle for a while. Maybe when your good sense comes back, you will know what to do for yourself. Try it.

That's right tal, the circle has come round from that post. Who would have thought I'd be back here? But here I am.

How long do I wait for answers? I have a few things at her house, clothes etc. There has been no mention from her about picking these up.

We have a music camping festival weekend booked for end of August.. we have paid a lot of money each to go.. there has been no mention of this from her as to wanting her money back or her ticket etc. There is no closure, and I need it. It's not fair on me, I don't know what's going on, but I don't want to contact her. So I feel in limbo!

"I am getting better, but i can't be with you whilst im like this, When im ready and feel 100% I will speak with you face to face" - how long am I suppost to wait, really? For all I know she could have already of made up her mind... each time I tried to put the 'closure' questions to her, she avoided them.

The minute you stop being confused and get YOUR own path forward, you will create your own closure through acceptance. That you need her to say one way or another is a trap you allow, because of false hope and her not giving you a direction to go one way, or another.

Leave her alone guy, let go, walk away, and ignore her confusion, and make your own closure. Being dumped is closure, why are you in limbo? False hope. Take some time away and let your head clear so you can think of a strategy without her influence.

Update - I have left her alone, been 3 weeks now. I miss her dearly every day. We agreed to meet up for a proper talk face to face to speak about the future. I don't have good feelings about it. She has just messaged me saying Hi, we agreed to meet up after my camping weekend. When are you free to talk then?

When I originally asked her, 2 weeks ago, she said she would let me know when she feels better to meet up. She said she still had personal problems in her life that she had to sort out. Now less than 2 weeks later she is all of a sudden ready to meet me and to talk?

What do I do? Continue no contact? Agree on a date but not right away?

I don't have good feelings about this, it's all too sudden for my liking. I am afraid of being hurt again if I see her... how do I go about this if I do agree to meet?

YOLO go out and live your life

Didn't I tell you to run your own program, make your own plan without her? Now you are afraid to get hurt by an agreement you made before.

Me, I would tell her no need to meet up, as you have decided to heal and move on. End of this crap! You, better go hear the news, smile hug, thank her for the memories, and leave.

Ahhh! But what if she wants you back? Well you won't know without talking to her, and be prepared for the worst, and hope for the best. You have no choice in my way of thinking but to honor your agreement, ASAP, an deal with whatever comes down the road.

That's what happens when you decide to wait on others to make a decision about YOU! Now what does your dignity, and self respect demand??

Don't get me wrong, I was healing well and moving on. The agreement feels like a mistake now. Part of me wants to tell her exactly what you've said.. No need to meet up, I'm healing, feeling better and moving on. Is it too late to say this? How will she take this? I don't know 100% what I want. Our downfall was communication and talking to each other... I don't know what to do. I still have clothes etc at hers and I just know if I see her my feelings will take control of me.. but that's just me.

Sometimes guy, we think so much we scare ourselves. Find the courage to do what you feel is the right thing for yourself. Make your decision on the facts, NOT just the fear!

*Update*

So the "meet" happened, about 3 weeks ago, she asked me to drop off some stuff that I had of hers which wasn't a problem as I was passing her way anyway. She had my stuff in a bag ready to give me. We spoke for about 20mins on her door step. We had a bit of a ding dong and emotions we're high but it ended peacefully, we hugged, she started to cry, and I left. All in good spirits.

Now the situation has changed, we met up for a drink last Sunday and talked for almost 3 hours about everything. We spent about an hour talking about our relationship and the problems we had and what went wrong. I had to agree with everything she said. It was my own downfall. She wasn't happy that I kept my feelings too close to my chest, she said she had no idea of how I felt and that she thought the relationship was going nowhere. Me being me, finds it a bit hard to express my feelings face to face, I struggle getting the words out, I don't know if it's just me but I don't know why I find it so hard. Anyway, I said to her that I know where I went wrong and I've had 2 months to reflect on everything. She said like wise.

She wants to think about it and give the relationship another go, she said her heart is still in it but she is worried about the risk of it not changing and being in the same position 12months down the line. She said she doesn't want to be single at this age and is looking to settle down... so am I. I know it's a risk on my half but I'm prepared to take it. I've got a lot of changes to make and I hope I don't have to try and change too much as a person to be what she wants. We are meeting again tonight to talk about things in more detail. I'm hoping the night ends well and we're back together.

Renewing this experiment is a risk for you both, as she probably has the same concerns that you do.

But do this with yours eyes open and no expectations. You both said you wanted to settle down, then act like it, because commitment takes a willingness to change and adjust for you both. You should have learned that the first tie around.

I honestly think she wants you to do the changing, and may not be willing to change herself for you. That's what you need to know before you make changes yourself for her.

She said she wants to take things slow and see how we get on. She wants to keep in touch daily, keeping it pleasant etc. and she wants to meet up with me next week after the weekend. She says she loves me but wants to take it real slow and see what happens, we're her words. This was pretty much what happened before we got together, and I've tried to explain to her that we're both at an age now where we should be in a stable relationship, she agreed. I want to continue having a social life with my friends which we both lacked when we we're together but at the same time I want progress to be made with her and not just to be kept dangling on a string. What is the best step to take now? Carry on casually meeting once a week and talking?

Then don't dangle on a string. Enjoy the life you have without her,and stop this lets have a stable relationship crappy thinking. If a better option,or opportunity for what YOU want comes along, you would be a fool not to explore it.

I assure you she will. You are both single and not attached, you can talk to whoever you please.


She said she wants to take things slow and see how we get on. She wants to keep in touch daily, keeping it pleasant etc. and she wants to meet up with me next week after the weekend

That's what she WANTS. Until you know what you want, then you have no choice but to go along with her program, since she doesn't want to give you what YOU want.

So go ahead go along with her program, or scrap it and make your own. I always make my own, just saying. I mean what's the point in seeing how things go when she steers the boat? Its goes her way. This ain't love, nor is it equal, fair, or mutual because you are doing all the work.

How does that work for you? I would find better things to do.

It's a mess. I do have my own problem, I have a good social life, lots of friends and work is going OK at the minute. The problem is her. We've met up, discussed about the relationship. And she wants to give it another go. She is at a music festival next weekend (17/08/12) and she has said she wants to get this out of the way first.. (why would she?) if you want someone back regardless of what you have got planned coming up... wouldnt you want them back right away? What difference does this weekend to her make? She's going with friends and it's not like she has any interest in any other man.

But this is where I am about to pull my hair out.. on Monday just gone.. she asked me if I could meet up with her this Thursday or Friday (tonight).. I said Friday would be good, and it was sorted. Last night, she text me saying she has made a boo boo and can't make tonight because she forgot that she was already out with her mates tonight. How can you just "forget" ? She seemed pretty honest that she genuinely forgot.. but again.. if you loved someone and wanted to be with them, surely you'd make an exception to see your friends when you've arranged to meet your ex or in this case partner in waiting.

Your right, I am doing all the work, am I being stringed along or do you think she is being genuine and honest ? Why would she delay getting back together until after next weekend?

I think you do more than just go along with this program, and ask yourself questions you should be asking her.

It's a mess. I do have my own problem, i have a good social life, lots of friends and work is going ok at the minute. The problem is her. We've met up, discussed about the relationship. And she wants to give it another go. She is at a music festival next weekend (17/08/12) and she has said she wants to get this out of the way first.. (why would she?) if you want someone back regardless of what you have got planned coming up...wouldnt you want them back right away? what difference does this weekend to her make? She's going with friends and it's not like she has any interest in any other man.

But this is where i am about to pull my hair out.. on monday just gone.. she asked me if i could meet up with her this thursday or friday (tonight) .. i said friday would be good, and it was sorted. Last night, she txt me saying she has made a boo boo and can't make tonight because she forgot that she was already out with her mates tonight. How can you just "forget" ? She seemed pretty honest that she genuinely forgot.. but again.. if you loved someone and wanted to be with them, surely you'd make an exception to see your friends when you've arranged to meet your ex or in this case partner in waiting.

Your right, i am doing all the work, am i being stringed along or do you think she is being genuine and honest ? Why would she delay getting back together until after next weekend?

In all of this we are only hearing about what she wants. What do you want in a relationship? She is calling all the shots here and like others have said, it seems totally unbalanced.

I don't know that you're getting strung along however she seems to do things that frustrate you. It's one let down after the next. Call it quits. You're going to get hurt again. Get a fresh start with someone that will make you a priority. It's the hardest thing to do especially when you love someone but wouldn't you prefer exploring new options over exhausting old options.

If you continue in this relationship I will expect to see you on here again with a post about how awful you are feeling over the ending.

Let us know how it worked out for you

It has come to an end. I was right she was stringing me along and messing with my head. I was just a fool to go along with everything she was saying not knowing that she didn't mean a single word of it.

She has said she is not ready for another relationship. It has ended very, very sour.

This will be the end now. Back to square one.

Talaniman, I will listen to you next time, that's for sure.

Thanks for the update. You have a fresh start now and you're only 26. The world is your oyster.