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willowtree131
May 21, 2012, 09:21 AM
Been close friends for many years, he has seen me go through good and bad relationships, we always connect when we catch up and share same interests and beliefs and make each other laugh etc, but recently I've been single and we flirt quite a lot when we see each other. I have always admired him and wished I had him as my boyfriend when all other relationships fail to satisfy. Anyway I've been single for 8 months or so... And we catch up every monh or so for dvds or drinks and it always feels normal. I got really drunk at a communal friends party and told him how I feel. We ended up having sex that night back at his parents house. In the morning he initiated sex with me again and that made me feel like he was happy that I'd revealed my feelings? It felt right, non awkward and he kissed me passionately goodbye when he dropped me home. A week passed and he was texting me quite lengthy texts and showing a lot of interest in me. He wanted to get together and discuss our feelings. He came over and we had some drinks talked a lot! The. Sent out for a drink and a walk down the street- I told him I'm not interested in guys that just want sex anymore and that I'd rather have substance with someone, he seemed neutral and said he was shocked I felt like this because he'd put me in the friend zone many years ago as I was always taken. He said when we first met I ticked all his boxes but time put blinkers on him and failed at picking up my signs. Anyway we had sex again that night, he was very affectionate with me and wanted sex again in the morning. He stuck around for a few hours then went to leave, when he left he grabbed my face and kissed me and said lets just play it by ear he still wasn't sure how to grasp what was happening even though we were so comfortable with each other. The next night he was flat out texting me and talking about me to his friends. I picked them all up and gave them a lift home when I dropped my friend off he lunged towards me in the drivers seat and passionately and kissed me and begged me to come inside, I had to put up quite a argument to not but I ft things were moving too fast. Next week he was sending me massive long texts we were both so involved in conversation with each other it was like for like, the next Friday night he was out drunk and contacted me quite late only because he knew I don't sleep much, I totally have insomnia so didn't mind at all, we were texting but he ended up calling and me calling him back at one point and the talking until 4.30am we never talked about us or what had happened but to ignt he said thingsike he thought I sounded sexy etc he was not seeing me as a friend. Next nigh I had a party up near his house and he offered me to stay. I got drunk and emotional and ended up annoying him a bit with arrangements of how I would get to his house. My friend contacted him through Facebook at 2.30am and he responded immediately and was there to pick me up straight away. He was quite annoyed at me but still nice and asking questions, I appolagise for being like that and he ran me a hot shower and I then got into his bed. Within minutes we were having sex again. In the morning I woke up and felt sorry about my needy behaviour he might before, he sid it was OK, again he initiated quite passionate morning sex and was a lot more intimate with me- then we both realized the time and that we had to be places and we rushed to get ready then spent 45 min car ride while he dropped me back home. When he dropped me off I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and he just seemed restless and in a rush so I grabbed my stuff and flew he said - talk soon. He next week I hardly heard from him, he backed off completely and contact was heavily reduced. I also made an effort to make less contact because of the clingy behaviour I'd displayed the night before- I felt ashamed within myself for behaving like that. Anyway later that week he made a few texts, minimal idol chit chat etc it was his 30h b-day party the Saturday to come and I guess he was stressed about it and didn't want to be tied down on his special night. I knew we had to act like friends anyway as no one knew about our interactions except 2 of his friends and his mum but they would all be there. I did my best to look good and went to the party with other you suspecting friends. He didn't ignore me 100% but he gave me nothing to indicate to me that he was still interested. He was quite distant from me even as a friend and hung out the later part of the night with another very attractive girlfriend who he has know for years. It made me feel insignificant and so I said bye and left. I tried calling him a few times and he answered straight away but was too drunk to hold a conversation, I didn't hear from him at all for 2 days and I had to initiate contact. I told myself I wasn't going to contact him but then he posted a picture on his Facebook page that said a joke about girls always whining about not finding any nice guys when they have plenty sitting right in front of them in the friend basket. I took this as a message that he might be interested in me but annoyed that I didn't make a move? Anyway I contacted him and after not long he said he felt like a pric that he gave me nothing at his party and didn't want to hurt me or make me feel like I was just any chick sleeping with him but he thought we should just be friends- that he can't give me what I want? Even though we never really spoke about what either of us wanted we were just going with the flow and he said that he thought on paper we looked amazing together and that I am an amazing girl but he doesn't feel as strongly about me as I do for him and he doesn't feel a spark or lust like you would at the start of a new relationship? I was naturally heartbroken as he is my dream guy, but I gracefully responded by sayi g that if he didn't have feelings for me then that was OK. I told him I never wanted to put any pressure on him and I could be his friend, I expressed my diss appointment but didn't dwell on it. What the hell do I do now? We had sex 6 times together and I felt like there was something here that could have been explored by him, but I guess he way it happened and panned out made me look needy- it was bad timing because I'm not in a stable place in my life but I guess what surprised me was how could he be so full on at the start and go ahead with 3 long sleepovers with me, have sex 6 times then walk away with such blunt distinction? I know I was too needy but that's not at all the person he knows I am so do you think he will be interested in me again down the track once I'm back in charge of my own life? He must have feelings for me to have gotten that far right? I'm really confused and shattered that he doesn't want me.

Homegirl 50
May 21, 2012, 10:43 AM
I think the sex for him was good and he thought you guys would just be friends with benefits. When he realized that was not what you want, he backed off.
Drunk sex leads to disappointment. Neither of you are thinking clear.
I think you need to forget about any emotional ties with this guy.

WisperWill70
May 21, 2012, 10:54 AM
The fact that you feel out-of-touch with yourself and that your life is not in a stable place lead to some of this disconnect with your friend. He obviously hadn't thought of you as a romantic potential because you'd never been available, and once he did take the "blinkers" off -- some of the neediness, alcohol and "not in a stable place" played a role in tempering his obvious attraction. He might be interested but just doesn't feel like he can give you the exclusive interest or attention he thinks you need or maybe he feels like you're searching for someone to fix your problems or that you are depending on him emotionally more than he's comfortable with.
Are you?

If your life is not in a good place then maybe drinking, partying and focusing on "dream guy" are taking you AWAY from the steps you need to sort your life out and get back on track. Maybe this helps dull you to the real responses/feelings you actually have for him and the right way to channel it. I'm assuming you're also in his age range so I am also assuming that you want to make some big changes to your lifestyle. If this guy is a real friend, and if he has feelings for you, he will be there for you when you do. In the meantime - accept what he said and move on with your life instead of finding ways to avoid/escape.

(**BTW... I'm mentioning the drinking because you said you got "Really drunk" in order to reveal your feelings and that you got "really drunk" again and emotional when you argued with him -- the night he began to cool off )

willowtree131
May 21, 2012, 10:56 AM
The first time was drunk sex, and I co n fessed my feelings to him, which he would not have taken advantage of if he didn't reciprocate some of the attraction? Then in the morning both sober and another 4 times after that all where he was sober? He actually seemed all for it but I think I ruined it by being depressed and needy- I just want to be able to redeem his attention and have him chase me down one day? But not holding my breath? Will have to see how our friendship bounces back first, which I will wait until he is ready to do.

willowtree131
May 21, 2012, 11:07 AM
I think I probably did slip up by putting too much emotional pressure on him, but he makes me feel so open and comfortable that I can't stop myself blurting out my problems to him but I think I did lety guard down too much- Should I just walk away now and wait for him to contact me as a friend? Worst case scenario is I will see him at a communal party in 3 weeks who is one of his best friends!

WisperWill70
May 21, 2012, 11:12 AM
Yeah well being depressed and needy and having drunk sex in the FIRST place are potential hobbles on the road to you getting "chased down" by your friend. Whether you were sober or not the other 4 times, doesn't matter if you're not really dealing with your emotions in a way that's productive for you and if you're pouring yourself into liquor and partying - how are you expecting to have a healthy adult relationship or deal with the forces (which have nothing to do with your friend) that are making you feel depressed and needy in the first place? You said yourself you're not in a stable place.

Make yourself a priority... no guy is going to come in and "rescue" you. If he has more than sexual feelings for you (which aren't enough to trump needy/depressed I'm afraid)... you'll find out when you get yourself together and focus on you, the friendship and dealing with your feelings in a better way. (I mean all the OLD feelings that have lead to you being where you are after all these years).

WisperWill70
May 21, 2012, 11:18 AM
Oh and about contact... your guy is now going to be interpreting any and all "blurting out my problems" as depending on HIM... which is going to alienate him further. (that's more neediness) Along with focusing on you and getting your strength back, from my reply above, I would be a friend to him -- and pull back on the contact. Then, later on you can see if you can rebuild your friendship.

Honestly, sometimes things like this can sour a friendship and it can feel forever strained if he feels that you (secretly/not so secretly) want something he cannot give you.

Your best bet is to LEGITIMATELY get stronger then you can reach out in more earnest, relaxed friendship.

WisperWill70
May 21, 2012, 11:21 AM
Keep moving forward -- see other people

mmresd
May 21, 2012, 11:57 AM
Rejection always sucks, but it is part of life. His decision has been made, you need to respect it and start to move on, maybe getting away from that friendship at least for a while would be a wise thing to do, at least until your feelings die down. However, you DID tell him what you wanted, the moment you said, "I told him I'm not interested in guys that just want sex anymore and that I'd rather have substance wih someone", this means that you are not just looking to have fun, but something real, serious. His response was neutral, meaning that he did not agree with that. When he saw it going serious, he backed off, the signs were all there, you were just too exited to notice.