dstanevicz
May 19, 2012, 09:07 PM
Let me start from the very beginning.
March 2008
About 4 and a half years ago, I was with a guy I was crazy for. We really liked each other, and ended up being our first.. . well, pretty much everything. I was in love for the first time. Or at least I thought at the time.
I was young. I knew that even then. I was 15. He broke my heart (or I thought he did) over a Myspace message. He was immature, a pothead, and openly admitted he didn't want to do anything with his life.
Again, I was young, so after we broke up we did the whole FWB thing. We admitted to each other we still liked each other but he just didn't want another relationship. This, for some reason as I look back on it now, upset me? Go figure. So eventually I dropped him from my life. But I didn't do this alone.
August 2008
I started becoming good friends with someone he knew. He helped me heal, and I began having feelings for him. Confusing one's, but feelings at that.
It wasn't until after a day we hung out that I found out he had always had a thing for me. Mind you at this time, he was a 'man-whore' and kissed and did whatever with any girl he wanted. But he said I was different. He said I was worth waiting for. Someone like me didn't deserve what he does to every other girl.
September 2008
Anyway, that day, he invited me and a few other friends over to his house. He made food, and he wanted people to try it so I was all, 'sure why not!' Well, we never exactly ate the food...
Here's where it gets cute but sexual. He had a kitten at the time, so I started chasing the kitten around, and it ran into his room. So I sat on the edge of his bed and played with the kitten. He came in a little while after me and sat beside me. He was laughing at me and talking with me then all of a sudden he got quiet. Then, he started getting awkward. He kept moving his hand towards me slowly then hesitating, then pulling back, then repeating. (mind you my heart was beating like CRAZY at this point)
So finally I asked what he was doing, and he said in a low, shaky embarrassed voice, "I-I just. . .I just really want to k-k-kiss you. I'm sorry. ." Now mind you, this was coming from a known man whore so it threw me the Hell off guard. But I couldn't deny my feelings. I said 'sure' and he slowly and gently grabbed my cheeks and kissed me gently on the lips. History was made from there on.
October 2008
We hung out pretty much every day, but nothing was official yet, so we gave each other that obvious space.
He was in a long distance relationship with a girl of 4+ years that he just didn't like anymore. (he said once he met her in real life there was no spark whatsoever. Go figure.) He was waiting for the right moment to break up with her, all the while my best friend at the time liked him, so I agreed to help them hook up. (at this point I liked him but I was still sort of in pain from my last relationship.)
Throughout this time, I would hang out with him all the time to try and convince him how good of a person she was, blah blah blah. And, in that time, I ended up falling in love. But this time, I KNEW it was love. He admitted it too.. .
Because of the situations around us though, we had to hide those feelings. Basically, we shut them off and only showed them when we were together. We agreed to wait until January to let things settle down.. .
November 2008
Pretty much? We couldn't take it anymore. He asked me out on November 29, 2008 in my hallway. He planned on doing this cute romantic thing, but it started raining and blah blah blah.. . I didn't care, because I knew he was all mine at this point. :)
We were simply divine together. 'A match made in heaven' as most called it. As close to perfect as things could get. We had everything in common. Personalities, jokes, what made us sad, angry, just everything about us screamed together forever. It's corny I know. But still.
Yes, we were young. But it didn't matter. (he was 18 at the time mind you. I was still 15.)
We had discovered something grand. We had made a bond that goes beyond friendship or a relationship. In a way, it's like our souls became one.. . wow I know sounds cliché, huh?
But that's how it was.
And then of course the reason I'm writing this.
We began experiencing life ten times worse than before.
Mind you, we both had a rough childhood. It had made me into a sensitive little doll, and it made him a tough, cold monster.
But we overcame these things together and accepted all our flaws and mistakes. We couldn't help but do otherwise.
Anyway. Life hit us hard. We weren't prepared for this. It was maybe about 1.8 years into the relationship that we started changing for the worse.
All the stress, it got to us. Our anxieties rose, we became depressed and sad and angry. Just negative and worried all the time. We did try helping each other but honestly we were scared. We were becoming different people, and we noticed this. Soon, our separate problems became the relationship problems. We lashed out at each other, said horrible things and unintentionally hurt each other at every turn.
Two depressed people doesn't make a good situation, we knew this.
So we tried fixing ourselves, and fixing each other. Through this whole time, we still held on. We wanted this to work. We wanted each other. Forever. Again, cliché.
We fought through the pain, and told ourselves and each other that this would get easier. That it's not us. Who we really are wouldn't be doing this to each other. It's just what life was turning us into at that point.
Still, we continued arguing and bashing each other over the silliest, stupidest things and while yes, we did make up every time, what was said during always stuck with us, even though we really didn't mean it. It still hurt to hear, obviously.
But we still had amazing days. We were simple people, really. Amused by almost everything. We had nights of movies, video games, food and cuddling. (cuddling was and is one of our favorite things)
Those little things also stuck with us, which is why we kept holding on and fighting so much.
But, eventually it just got too much to bear. Our old selves, of which we were still in love with, came out very rarely, and our new selves dominated and pushed each other away. Yes, we did end the relationship no longer being in love with each other. But how could we love someone who hurts us so much? It hurt being with someone different. We wanted our real selves back, so we decided to end it before we started hating each other. That was the last thing we wanted.
Being best friends before, and during our relationship meant that we were obviously still going to be in each others lives regardless, but now.
Well, here's where I really start explaining the problem.
April 30th 2012
We had plans to go to a new restaurant we've been dying to go to. He told me to call him when I woke up, so I did. Unfortunately, I was in a bad mood due to woman problems and I just was overall in a blah mood. This came out as I talked to him, which I already felt bad for. I apologized, but he was still angry when he got to my house, so I tried making better as much as I could.
By the time we got to the restaurant though, everything was fine again. It was a great time. We sat there laughing, looking at each other and smiling, and just enjoying each others company like there wasn't anything else more important on this planet. 'I love yous' flew everywhere. Our real selves were sitting at that table, not our bad selves who made us so unsure about this grand things we cherished.
We talked about our future. He's going into the military soon. Active duty marine corps. We talked about how we wanted to go about the engagement. He wanted to marry as soon as possible so he could have me live on base with him. Our future kids were brought up again. We always wanted three. Two boys and a girl. All named after characters in Anne Rice books. She was both our favorite author.
It was just a pleasant day.
Then when we left the restaurant, I honestly can't remember what we did after but something led to a scuffle between us again and again, I felt bad, so did he so we apologized and tried to make it better. But at this point something just felt off. He dropped me off at home, he hugged me and kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me and that he'll talk to me later.
I fell asleep and woke up around 3 A.M. I still felt bad about the day so I messaged him a '<3'. He sent me one back, and I sent a message basically saying how sorry I was and that I realized I acted wrong and then the mistake.
My emotions got the best of me and I said "I already know you want to leave me so I hope I can make this better for you. :("
Big mistake. "Yeah.. . I'm going to call you we need to talk.
. Why. WHY did I say that?
Anyway, we did end up breaking it off that night.
He said no matter how much he cared and loved me, it was just getting to be too much, and he needed space. I said the same thing.
We also agreed that it was just bad timing for us. Not the love part, just the relationship part.
This didn't make anything easier, though.
Days after, we continued to hang out but it was super awkward. We missed each other like crazy. Missed us like crazy. The love was still there, we just couldn't admit it to ourselves.
It was too painful. To hurtful.
It was nice for a while, then a week after it just started getting bad.
I asked him if he was still in pain, still hurting. He said no, that he got tired of those emotions and shut them off. Okay?
I asked him how he saw me at this point. He said his mind won't allow him to see me as anything more than a friend right now.
He said this at the beginning, but at that time he said it was to protect himself. So he wouldn't feel pain. Because his mind associates me with the time of his life he felt pain.
Now, he's saying he feels no pain. He said he took everything he felt for me and 'put it in a box at the back of his mind.'
Okay.. .
Well now. This just happened yesterday. He now no longer even cares to fix this or anything for that matter. He said he has completely given up on me, humanity, and life. He said all he wants to do now is be alone and go the marines and kill people and die there.
He stated that everyone hates him and he's okay with that now.
That hurt me more than I thought anything could. I felt dead inside.
I was the only one he ever let in. I was the only one he ever trusted, and I was the only one who stood by him no matter what. And now he's shut me out, too.
I don't know where to go from here.
I want to help him. To see him better.
But I just don't understand what's going through his head right now! He doesn't even know! He's a literal prisoner inside his own mind.
It's like he's completely forgotten what we had. Or has he?
What do you all think?
Is this just a tough time for him? I mean, he's done this before and I was the one who pulled him out of it, but it wasn't this bad. Not this drastic.
Did he really just 'kill' all of those emotions he had for me and for everything, or are they still there, he's just not acknowledging them?
Is this just his way of mourning? If anyone has any insight whatsoever to this, PLEASE let me know.
Obviously this wasn't a completely bad relationship, and also not a short one.
We have a bond, a piece of each other, but how can he let me back in if he can't let himself OUT?
I just don't know. I don't want to give up on him like everyone else did. He always said I was different. That I was special. That I was his light. He said that if my light started fading, he would fall into darkness forever and never come back out.
I know it sounds poetic, but it seems like that's what's really happening.. .
I don't know how much more space to give him, and I really don't see the point in giving it to him, now.
Also, I don't remember if I said this but we are NOT looking to be in a relationship with ANYONE right now. The emotional connection will not allow us to fully work on ourselves.
March 2008
About 4 and a half years ago, I was with a guy I was crazy for. We really liked each other, and ended up being our first.. . well, pretty much everything. I was in love for the first time. Or at least I thought at the time.
I was young. I knew that even then. I was 15. He broke my heart (or I thought he did) over a Myspace message. He was immature, a pothead, and openly admitted he didn't want to do anything with his life.
Again, I was young, so after we broke up we did the whole FWB thing. We admitted to each other we still liked each other but he just didn't want another relationship. This, for some reason as I look back on it now, upset me? Go figure. So eventually I dropped him from my life. But I didn't do this alone.
August 2008
I started becoming good friends with someone he knew. He helped me heal, and I began having feelings for him. Confusing one's, but feelings at that.
It wasn't until after a day we hung out that I found out he had always had a thing for me. Mind you at this time, he was a 'man-whore' and kissed and did whatever with any girl he wanted. But he said I was different. He said I was worth waiting for. Someone like me didn't deserve what he does to every other girl.
September 2008
Anyway, that day, he invited me and a few other friends over to his house. He made food, and he wanted people to try it so I was all, 'sure why not!' Well, we never exactly ate the food...
Here's where it gets cute but sexual. He had a kitten at the time, so I started chasing the kitten around, and it ran into his room. So I sat on the edge of his bed and played with the kitten. He came in a little while after me and sat beside me. He was laughing at me and talking with me then all of a sudden he got quiet. Then, he started getting awkward. He kept moving his hand towards me slowly then hesitating, then pulling back, then repeating. (mind you my heart was beating like CRAZY at this point)
So finally I asked what he was doing, and he said in a low, shaky embarrassed voice, "I-I just. . .I just really want to k-k-kiss you. I'm sorry. ." Now mind you, this was coming from a known man whore so it threw me the Hell off guard. But I couldn't deny my feelings. I said 'sure' and he slowly and gently grabbed my cheeks and kissed me gently on the lips. History was made from there on.
October 2008
We hung out pretty much every day, but nothing was official yet, so we gave each other that obvious space.
He was in a long distance relationship with a girl of 4+ years that he just didn't like anymore. (he said once he met her in real life there was no spark whatsoever. Go figure.) He was waiting for the right moment to break up with her, all the while my best friend at the time liked him, so I agreed to help them hook up. (at this point I liked him but I was still sort of in pain from my last relationship.)
Throughout this time, I would hang out with him all the time to try and convince him how good of a person she was, blah blah blah. And, in that time, I ended up falling in love. But this time, I KNEW it was love. He admitted it too.. .
Because of the situations around us though, we had to hide those feelings. Basically, we shut them off and only showed them when we were together. We agreed to wait until January to let things settle down.. .
November 2008
Pretty much? We couldn't take it anymore. He asked me out on November 29, 2008 in my hallway. He planned on doing this cute romantic thing, but it started raining and blah blah blah.. . I didn't care, because I knew he was all mine at this point. :)
We were simply divine together. 'A match made in heaven' as most called it. As close to perfect as things could get. We had everything in common. Personalities, jokes, what made us sad, angry, just everything about us screamed together forever. It's corny I know. But still.
Yes, we were young. But it didn't matter. (he was 18 at the time mind you. I was still 15.)
We had discovered something grand. We had made a bond that goes beyond friendship or a relationship. In a way, it's like our souls became one.. . wow I know sounds cliché, huh?
But that's how it was.
And then of course the reason I'm writing this.
We began experiencing life ten times worse than before.
Mind you, we both had a rough childhood. It had made me into a sensitive little doll, and it made him a tough, cold monster.
But we overcame these things together and accepted all our flaws and mistakes. We couldn't help but do otherwise.
Anyway. Life hit us hard. We weren't prepared for this. It was maybe about 1.8 years into the relationship that we started changing for the worse.
All the stress, it got to us. Our anxieties rose, we became depressed and sad and angry. Just negative and worried all the time. We did try helping each other but honestly we were scared. We were becoming different people, and we noticed this. Soon, our separate problems became the relationship problems. We lashed out at each other, said horrible things and unintentionally hurt each other at every turn.
Two depressed people doesn't make a good situation, we knew this.
So we tried fixing ourselves, and fixing each other. Through this whole time, we still held on. We wanted this to work. We wanted each other. Forever. Again, cliché.
We fought through the pain, and told ourselves and each other that this would get easier. That it's not us. Who we really are wouldn't be doing this to each other. It's just what life was turning us into at that point.
Still, we continued arguing and bashing each other over the silliest, stupidest things and while yes, we did make up every time, what was said during always stuck with us, even though we really didn't mean it. It still hurt to hear, obviously.
But we still had amazing days. We were simple people, really. Amused by almost everything. We had nights of movies, video games, food and cuddling. (cuddling was and is one of our favorite things)
Those little things also stuck with us, which is why we kept holding on and fighting so much.
But, eventually it just got too much to bear. Our old selves, of which we were still in love with, came out very rarely, and our new selves dominated and pushed each other away. Yes, we did end the relationship no longer being in love with each other. But how could we love someone who hurts us so much? It hurt being with someone different. We wanted our real selves back, so we decided to end it before we started hating each other. That was the last thing we wanted.
Being best friends before, and during our relationship meant that we were obviously still going to be in each others lives regardless, but now.
Well, here's where I really start explaining the problem.
April 30th 2012
We had plans to go to a new restaurant we've been dying to go to. He told me to call him when I woke up, so I did. Unfortunately, I was in a bad mood due to woman problems and I just was overall in a blah mood. This came out as I talked to him, which I already felt bad for. I apologized, but he was still angry when he got to my house, so I tried making better as much as I could.
By the time we got to the restaurant though, everything was fine again. It was a great time. We sat there laughing, looking at each other and smiling, and just enjoying each others company like there wasn't anything else more important on this planet. 'I love yous' flew everywhere. Our real selves were sitting at that table, not our bad selves who made us so unsure about this grand things we cherished.
We talked about our future. He's going into the military soon. Active duty marine corps. We talked about how we wanted to go about the engagement. He wanted to marry as soon as possible so he could have me live on base with him. Our future kids were brought up again. We always wanted three. Two boys and a girl. All named after characters in Anne Rice books. She was both our favorite author.
It was just a pleasant day.
Then when we left the restaurant, I honestly can't remember what we did after but something led to a scuffle between us again and again, I felt bad, so did he so we apologized and tried to make it better. But at this point something just felt off. He dropped me off at home, he hugged me and kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me and that he'll talk to me later.
I fell asleep and woke up around 3 A.M. I still felt bad about the day so I messaged him a '<3'. He sent me one back, and I sent a message basically saying how sorry I was and that I realized I acted wrong and then the mistake.
My emotions got the best of me and I said "I already know you want to leave me so I hope I can make this better for you. :("
Big mistake. "Yeah.. . I'm going to call you we need to talk.
. Why. WHY did I say that?
Anyway, we did end up breaking it off that night.
He said no matter how much he cared and loved me, it was just getting to be too much, and he needed space. I said the same thing.
We also agreed that it was just bad timing for us. Not the love part, just the relationship part.
This didn't make anything easier, though.
Days after, we continued to hang out but it was super awkward. We missed each other like crazy. Missed us like crazy. The love was still there, we just couldn't admit it to ourselves.
It was too painful. To hurtful.
It was nice for a while, then a week after it just started getting bad.
I asked him if he was still in pain, still hurting. He said no, that he got tired of those emotions and shut them off. Okay?
I asked him how he saw me at this point. He said his mind won't allow him to see me as anything more than a friend right now.
He said this at the beginning, but at that time he said it was to protect himself. So he wouldn't feel pain. Because his mind associates me with the time of his life he felt pain.
Now, he's saying he feels no pain. He said he took everything he felt for me and 'put it in a box at the back of his mind.'
Okay.. .
Well now. This just happened yesterday. He now no longer even cares to fix this or anything for that matter. He said he has completely given up on me, humanity, and life. He said all he wants to do now is be alone and go the marines and kill people and die there.
He stated that everyone hates him and he's okay with that now.
That hurt me more than I thought anything could. I felt dead inside.
I was the only one he ever let in. I was the only one he ever trusted, and I was the only one who stood by him no matter what. And now he's shut me out, too.
I don't know where to go from here.
I want to help him. To see him better.
But I just don't understand what's going through his head right now! He doesn't even know! He's a literal prisoner inside his own mind.
It's like he's completely forgotten what we had. Or has he?
What do you all think?
Is this just a tough time for him? I mean, he's done this before and I was the one who pulled him out of it, but it wasn't this bad. Not this drastic.
Did he really just 'kill' all of those emotions he had for me and for everything, or are they still there, he's just not acknowledging them?
Is this just his way of mourning? If anyone has any insight whatsoever to this, PLEASE let me know.
Obviously this wasn't a completely bad relationship, and also not a short one.
We have a bond, a piece of each other, but how can he let me back in if he can't let himself OUT?
I just don't know. I don't want to give up on him like everyone else did. He always said I was different. That I was special. That I was his light. He said that if my light started fading, he would fall into darkness forever and never come back out.
I know it sounds poetic, but it seems like that's what's really happening.. .
I don't know how much more space to give him, and I really don't see the point in giving it to him, now.
Also, I don't remember if I said this but we are NOT looking to be in a relationship with ANYONE right now. The emotional connection will not allow us to fully work on ourselves.