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Sep 30, 2011, 09:58 AM
Ok so I was married to this woman for 7yrs and we have 3 great kids together. We had been divorced for 3yrs and decided to get back together. When we got divorced she was 200 plus lbs but when we got married she was 130lbs. I understand the having kids and baby wieght but she refused to even try to lose any of it after the kids. (NOT THE REASON FOR THE DIVORCE) while we where not together she lost all of the baby weight and was less then pre wedding weight, we have been back together for almost 19months and she has gained 40 plus lbs and is now again pushing the 190 to 200lbs mark. I love everything about her but this, and I couldn't ask for a better partner but this has become a real issue as I have no interest in having sexual relations with her in any way. I have nicely brought it to her attention that I think this isn't healthy for her and would like her to do something about it. When we first got together our love life was great and then again when we got back together it was great but I just can't bring myself to have any interest. If it was a few lbs over weight I could deal with it but when your 40 to 50lbs over weight I just can't do it. I am not the type of person to be to pushy about this but to me sexual relations is just as important as the mental relations and this has become an issue as she tries to get me to and I either tell her I have something I have to do or avoid the issue by waiting till she falls asleep before I go to bed. I need help as I am not sure how much longer I can do this. I am not the type to cheat and we are now going on 2.5months with out having physical relations.. Please help. Also we are all adults here and if you don't have something helpful to contribute please go to another question. Thanks
Sep 30, 2011, 10:27 AM
Your last sentence says a lot. It's accusative and belligerent and defensive, although I am sure you don't see it that way at all. I just know that my desire to be helpful sailed right out the window, although for her sake, I brought it back.
Any relationship is a package deal. If she was thin before she met you and after you divorced, that is a clue, a big huge one. She isn't feeling desirable, or something else is wrong. You and she need to sit down and TALK about it. If you can't, then pay a counselor to teach you how.
I'm not saying this is your 'fault' by any means, just that you are here asking about this as though it is her problem when it isn't; it's both yours. You can't feel sexual desire for a woman you love who is fatter than your ideal. (What about when she is older?) Many men have no problem with it.
From a practical standpoint:
Talk with her.
If that fails, get counseling.
If that fails, do you really want a divorce? There are others of course, ranging from affairs and prostitutes to very lifelike (and expensive) polymer human figures.
Sep 30, 2011, 11:05 AM
First off the reason I put that there is because I have read others posts and there seem to be people here that just want to vent or unload on others and not contribute in any way shape or form. It has nothing to do with felling the need to be defensive but rather then need and want for some real results. As you stated I do not feel it is all her issue thats why I am asking for assistance. There are other things that I am sure are contributing to the issue and that is what I would like the help in determining. As for her weight It seems to be a comfort issue from the inside as she feels more secure in the relationship she does less to make herself feel and look attractive to both of us. I workout 3 times a week and would not consider myself as ugly and know that if I wanted to get sex from some other place I could but that is not what I am looking for. I am looking for someone to give me some insight into how to approach this issue in a sensitive yet forward way as to be able to help from my side to fix the issue. I know she is still physically attracted to me as she tries alot to get me to have sex but I just have no interest in doing so because the weight has become that much of an issue. like I said there is plenty of love but the sexual attraction has gone away and we are only in our late 20's. This should not be the case. We both have high sex drives so that isnt the issue either. the issue is since she has gained weight I have lost the interest in that part of our relationship, not in the relationship as a whole. The reason she gained weight befor is because of being pregnant. our oldest two children are only 10.5mo apart so she didnt have time to lose any from those two and our youngest is 2 yrs younger than the younger of the oldest two so I am not blaming the weight on her by herself I helped put it there the first time we where together, what I was getting at is she put it on and then after we where done having children didnt try to take any off, and is doing the same now but without there being children as the culprit. I want to make it clear that I dont love her less because she gained weight I just dont have the want to have sex with her anymore. I hope this clears up any miss understandings. Also I do and give her anything she could ever want and need and tell her I love her many times a day so I dont think it has to do with the fact that I am not showing her enough support as I have asked her to join me at the gym many times and also offered to get rid of the membership and work out together at home. please if you have any educated ideas I would greatly appropriate it thank you. Also I dont be-leave bring up going to concealing because I dont want to have sex with her because of her weight would be very productive in our relationship as I feel it would embarrass her and make her feel bad about herself and that is not what I am trying to accomplish here but to just find a way to resolve this with out hurting her feelings.
Sep 30, 2011, 11:11 AM
What kind of activities are you doing together as a family? Maybe you could add more physical activities (biking, hiking, swimming). With 2 kids to care for it is often hard to find motivation and especially free time to go to the gym, but if you do things together as a family, it's much easier.
Sep 30, 2011, 11:35 AM
We live on 20 acher's and tend to spend alot of time outside but getting her to have the want and desire to leave the deck and join us playing hide and seek in our timber or playing baseball in the yard(boys cant get enough wish I had there energy still lol). She used to push mow the yard at the last house but we bought this one 9 months ago and is to big for a push mower so we bought a rider. We dont watch much tv at all(only 3 channels) I tried to get her to re landscape the yard but she had no interest(she liked it as is) She keeps the house clean cooks meals and is home by herself most of the day as I am working and all 3 kids are in school. She wanted a treadmill so I bought her one she wanted the p90x I bought that. both are still unused after 5 or 6 months. I see no signs of depression and like I said we are very happy in all other aspects of our lives. Since we moved she has been hanging out with her sister more and her sister is very over weight and will sit and eat alot of the day. Would asking her to get a job to get her out be exceptable since the only place she will really go is to her sisters or to take and pick the kids up from school(she has always been a homebody). The worst part I think for me is knowing that she is so attractive when the weight is gone, like two totally different people. Before we had children I could drag her out to play Frisbee golf or real golf and go do things with me and my friends but she seems to have zero interest in being active. I was thinking at least a job she would have to be semi active all day and that might help motivate her. I am willing to help her anyway I can as it is also help myself and our family by removing this uncomfortable situation. but yes I think doing more with the family is great as me and the 3 kids are almost always outside when at home she just dosnt join in, it seems she would rather watch from the deck.
Sep 30, 2011, 12:06 PM
Hi helping....you can gain weight if your depressed, because you tend to comfort eat...., by the same token,when you are happy and relaxed your appetite is much better, so again you eat, gaining weight.
I think a job is a great suggestion, as long as you make it for some other reason, than your wife loosing weight.You could say what ever springs to mind eg,my hours are being cut at work,how bout we save for a holiday somewhere exotic,but we couldn't do it on the money i earn.We could really do with this or that.Get the picture helping,as you say you wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, this way she'll think it's for the family.
I think getting her out of the house is the priority here,this is where the food is, the tv, relaxation and so on.
Perhaps there is a local...weight watchers class nearby...does your wife have a friend that is dieing to loose weight,maybe next time the friend visits, you could very casually mention this class, only in light conversation though as you walk by,adding that there is a prize apparently for the most weight loss, then casually disappear.See if they come back to you on it.Just a chance they may go for it.
Do you do the shopping together, if so tell your wife you've decided to go healthy,saying that you want to be around for the kids as they grow up.This will hopefully give you the chance to stop your wife picking up lots of fatty sugary treats,cakes biscuits sweets etc etc......
Sep 30, 2011, 07:04 PM
Counseling is NOT about one person getting the other person to do anything or finding out who is right or wrong. It's about learning how to communicate with each other, finding out what each other's needs and wishes are, and then meeting them or most of them, you with her, she with you. The therapist doesn't listen to your stories and then judge who is right or wrong. He or she teaches you how to talk to each other, pure and simple.
There is something fundamentally wrong in my opinion about your approach to this. It's one thing to not be attracted to her when she is overweight. But it's another thing to say she has to change, and to assume that you are going to 'help' her change. She hasn't been here to say she wants to. We can advise YOU about YOUR life, but not about hers. Only she can do that.
In fact, I can see something about the way you write that gives me a clue about why she is unhappy, and why she may be eating to compensate. You have this sort of concrete premise going here that she SHOULD lose weight BECAUSE you aren't attracted to her. That premise is one sided. Love is a whole series of compromises. Again, it's fine to say you don't feel attraction. It isn't fine to say you need ways to get her to lose weight. What you need is to find out what is bothering her in her relationship with you. I think I know: she is so aware of your impending lack of attraction to her that she eats herself right into it out of sheer nervousness. It's like knowing there is a man with a gun out behind the house and you can't stand waiting to find out if he is going to break your door. She knows you are going to withdraw when she reaches some magic weight. TALK TO HER, and I don't mean about how to exercise!! Find out what she feels about you!
Sep 30, 2011, 07:43 PM
Counseling may allow you to accept her the way she is,
And that is what real love is, it would be loving her if she lost both legs and was in a wheel chair, if she got scared badly or became blind. Love is way past weight. If you can't love her because of the weight, you don't and never did love her.
And I agree, you are demanding and not understanding at all. Your demands will only make it worst. The issue or problem here is yours, not hers, she should tell you to accept it, or hit the road.
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