Please don't judge me I need some good advice Im not a bad person, I spend my career and life dedicated to helping others and never dreamt I would be in this situation. My boyf and I have been trying for a baby for about 9 months I have has 2 miscarriages which has but pressure on our relationship... Last month my Grandpa died we were very close I have been devastated.. my boyf was not very understanding or supportive the day after the funeral I went out with my girlfriends for a few drinks my boyf came into the pub we were in drunk mouthing off at me saying I looked like a slut my friends were horrified as was I! He continued to text me abusive texts I told him it was over. I was so upset and was suffering with my bereavement and wanted some comfort in my drunken wisdom I went to see my ex who I'm still friends with never thought I would end up having sex with him but I did I think the hurtful things my boyf had said to me wanted to make me hurt him back no excuse I know but he was awful! Anyway now I'm pregnant I tried to work out my ovualtion days and it falls around the 17th to the 20th I slept with my boyf on the 17th and my ex on the 19th so who knows? If I tell my boyf who is over the moon Im pregnant I know it will end badly possibly violence I'm not sure. I'm booked in for a termination tomorrow but I'm so tempted to keep the baby and just forget the possibility of my ex being the father.. I know ultimatley I will be the primary care giver for my baby like I,am for my daughter as are many of my single mother friends and actually in my experience the bio father doesn't matter as they are not always there anyway. I have a good job Im doing a masters qualification at work at the moment so I know I can support my children shall I just keep quiet or should I have the termination? Please only helpful comments!

Hi, sez, no won't judge you, you sound like you are pretty straight up. But, I have to say, I don't know how you really expect us to tell you what to do. Terminate or have the baby. Your heart has to answer that question and as far as your b/f goes, if you decide to have the baby, then some things are better left unsaid. He doesn't have to know you have doubts about the father. How can you really know for sure other then somewhere down the line when your child is older having a DNA test, but by then all of this will be forgotten.

I have one thing to say though, if you think telling your b/f your fears about the baby not being his, ending in violence, then why are you with him if you know if that well, that he can resort to that? He came into the bar where you were and trashed you? Nope, I can't say I would stay with any one like that. He isn't exactly the type of person I would want to be the father of my baby. So, when you think of it, maybe there was some intervention here, in the way of a 'sign from above' or what have you, karma taking over. Any one of those sayings.

Go away for a couple of days by yourself and think about this situation and what you want to do for the future.

Good luck

Tick

At some point it will come out that your boyfriend is not the father. The baby may have a blood type that would make his paternity impossible. There may be characteristics of the baby that may cause him to suspect something. It may be years but some factor will likely crop up that will make it evident the child is not his.

So that's your decision. Frankly, the person you describe has abusing you in a time of bereavement does not seem like someone I would consider continuing to be with.

That is a tough decision.have the baby and if you can get a dna test done to see who is the father. Don't get the termination because later on you will regret it.
I wish the best of luck to you

Postpone the abortion for now, while you think and decide. You don't say how far into pregnancy you are, but it sounds early still?
No one in the world can tell you whether to have the baby or not, but people can help you sort your thoughts and feelings so that you can decide.
You have THREE distinct questions to ponder, the boyfriend, the paternity, and having the child.

I don't like your boyfriend one bit, and where am I getting that dislike from? YOU! The way he treated you in the bar, the fear of violence if he finds out he's not the father (and what about if you abort with or without knowing, and he objects)? Time to face whether you are telling us, the world, that you want to dump him?
Determining paternity is something I might approach the ex about, or not at all. The results will tell you which is the father by default. But you first need to decide about having another child.
THAT I for one won't comment on. You are obviously of 2 minds, and if I were you, I would go sit in the clinic waiting room (after you postpone) and just think and think. If they have counselors, which most do, talk to one.

Your CHILD deserves to know his or her biological history, if for other reason than MEDICAL history.

Stop worrying about what's right for you or for your boyfriend or whatever and start figuring out how to do the right thing by your child.

You need to be honest with all parties involved. If you lie about it, it's just going to be worse in the long run.

Thank you for your helpful answers many of my friends have the same negative thoughts about my boyfriend, I'm not sure if he would actually be violent but he has very childish inmature responses to painful situations he blamed me for the miscarriages.. I know I'm describing a bad man but he does have a nice side also. I think I'm mad I feel mad for staying with him when he has been so abusive towards me, Im normally a very strong person not sure what is wrong with me. I have a beautiful daughter already who I wouldn't want to ever be without but she has a good Dad and that is really important is it fair to give my baby a Dad that might not be so great all these questions my head is such a mess. I've had a termination before and always regretted it so not sure if this would be the same... Im only about 6 weeks pregnant by the way..

No greenies left for Synnen but OP should read the AMHD rules concerning the "helpful" and "not helpful" comments. Undeserved reddie as OP apparently only wants to hear what she wants to hear. The advice she found not helpful was NOT factually incorrect.

I disagree that having a father "doesn't matter" to a child. A child deserves to be loved AND SUPPORTED by two parents. I also think you need to speak to a counsellor or someone who can give you insight about why you stayed with an abusive man, why you tried to have a child with this same abusive man, why you turned to another man for comfort in a time of crisis.

If you DO have the baby that baby has a right to know its father and (as has been said) its medical history. The truth somehow always comes out - read the various legal threads and you will see how devastating that can be.

As far as your previous abortion, I HOPE you aren't using abortion as a means of birth control.

Please dont judge me I need some good advice Im not a bad person, I spend my career and life dedicated to helping others and never dreamt I would be in this situation. My boyf and I have been trying for a baby for about 9 months I have has 2 miscarriages which has but pressure on our relationship... Last month my Grandpa died we were very close I have been devestated.. my boyf was not very understanding or supportive the day after the funeral I went out with my girlfriends for a few drinks my boyf came into the pub we were in drunk mouthing off at me saying I looked like a slut my friends were horrified as was I! He continued to text me abusive texts I told him it was over. I was so upset and was suffering with my bereavement and wanted some comfort in my drunken wisdom I went to see my ex who I'm still friends with never thought I would end up having sex with him but I did I think the hurtful things my boyf had said to me wanted to make me hurt him back no excuse I know but he was awful! Anyway now I,m pregnant I tried to work out my ovualtion days and it falls around the 17th to the 20th I slept with my boyf on the 17th and my ex on the 19th so who knows?? If I tell my boyf who is over the moon Im pregnant I know it will end badly possibly violence im not sure. I,m booked in for a termination tomorrow but I,m so tempted to keep the baby and just forget the possibility of my ex being the father.. I know ultimatley I will be the primary care giver for my baby like I,am for my daughter as are many of my single mother friends and actually in my experiance the bio father doesnt matter as they are not always there anyway. I have a good job Im doing a masters qualification at work at the moment so I know I can support my children shall I just keep quiet or should I have the termination? Please only helpful comments!

Great! Try to explain it outside of the USA, in the USA you will be a hero, but out of the USA you will be a real *****!

Does this have a legal question?

No, there apparently is no legal question and OP only wants to hear what OP wants to hear. This must be the World record for reddies in a one day period (some of which have been removed).

Can't believe a person so grounded would be in this predicament.

Please dont judge me I need some good advice Im not a bad person, I spend my career and life dedicated to helping others and never dreamt I would be in this situation. My boyf and I have been trying for a baby for about 9 months I have has 2 miscarriages which has but pressure on our relationship... Last month my Grandpa died we were very close I have been devestated.. my boyf was not very understanding or supportive the day after the funeral I went out with my girlfriends for a few drinks my boyf came into the pub we were in drunk mouthing off at me saying I looked like a slut my friends were horrified as was I! He continued to text me abusive texts I told him it was over. I was so upset and was suffering with my bereavement and wanted some comfort in my drunken wisdom I went to see my ex who I'm still friends with never thought I would end up having sex with him but I did I think the hurtful things my boyf had said to me wanted to make me hurt him back no excuse I know but he was awful! Anyway now I,m pregnant I tried to work out my ovualtion days and it falls around the 17th to the 20th I slept with my boyf on the 17th and my ex on the 19th so who knows?? If I tell my boyf who is over the moon Im pregnant I know it will end badly possibly violence im not sure. I,m booked in for a termination tomorrow but I,m so tempted to keep the baby and just forget the possibility of my ex being the father.. I know ultimatley I will be the primary care giver for my baby like I,am for my daughter as are many of my single mother friends and actually in my experiance the bio father doesnt matter as they are not always there anyway. I have a good job Im doing a masters qualification at work at the moment so I know I can support my children shall I just keep quiet or should I have the termination? Please only helpful comments!

To answer the LEGAL question of this thread - some states consider it fraud to intentionally list the wrong man as the child's father on the birth certificate, and will definitely reflect negatively on you if it gets contested in court. Additionally, if you're receiving public assistance of any kind, the state will automatically go after the listed father for the birth expenses and child support. Being dishonest is going to create a laundry list of problems that aren't worth either your or the taxpayer's time and money.

But I agree with all the others - this child has a right to know who his/her actual father is. If your boyfriend is as abusive as you've portrayed him, you're out of your mind trying to have a child with him, whether it's been for the past 9 months or for a week. And keeping your daughter around such an unstable relationship is downright foolish.

that is a tough decision.have the baby and if you can get a dna test done to see who is the father. don't get the termination because later on you will regret it.
i wish the best of luck to you

Not fair to say OP will regret her decision; it is her body and her decision no matter how innapropriate it may be at the moment. The point is, her boyfriend is abusive, her situation is abusive, she is getting over a death.

sez500, aside from legalities which have been covered (whether you appreciated it or not, you asked under Law), you seem to be having a very tough time with waffling over the boyfriend, and that affects your other decisions. Most of us like to complain about the people we live with after a while; it's usually just venting, but I think everyone here is detecting a lot more complaining than 'but he's a nice guy.' You sort of bleat that out weakly, if weakly can be heard in type. Why are you such a mess when you are usually strong? Because! You are PREGNANT! You do have a dilemma. Whether you postponed your appointment that was to be today is none of our business and isn't relevant to your questions. I hoped you would do it to help to keep the parts of your dilemma separate.

We all make wrong decisions at times, or just ones we regret, right or wrong. But when we don't make them, we have to accept whatever happens to us.

Comments on this post
sez500 does not find this helpful : I think you are rude of course Im not using abortion as a form of birth control did you not read the thread correctly I was 17 when I had an abotion 13 years ago! Please keep your rude unhelpful advice to yourself!

Maybe you need to read the rules of this site. You can find the guidelines for using the comments feature here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedback/using-comments-feature-24951.html

We give answers here. We don't tell people what they want to hear. Sometimes those answer may be harsh because the truth hurts. As long as the answers do not violate the site rules, they are valid. If you believe they violate the site rules, report them. If you want to disagree post and Answer disagreeing. But do not give a negative rating unless an answer is factually incorrect. But do not presume to dictate who can answer or how they can answer.

that is a tough decision.have the baby and if you can get a dna test done to see who is the father. don't get the termination because later on you will regret it.
i wish the best of luck to you

This is a legal board. This may be your opinion but it is not a legal opinion.

You did read that the boyfriend is abusive, right, and the OP has a daughter?

We all know that a woman's body is her own to do whatever she wants with it. Abortion will always be an issue here because there are so many opinions from new members and long time members.

If this lady wants to abort it is her option. She appears to know her own mind as I said in my original post. She is looking for sanctions that we cannot give. It is in her heart to do what she wants, as I said originally as well.

I don't like the description of this person she is involved with; she already has a daughter she loves. I would not absolutely involve the threesome, abusive b/f, new baby and a woman who probably wants the best for everyone. This lady needs to go away from this situation.

- And I find statements to the effect that "later on you WILL regret it" to help absolutely no one.

This isn't advice; this is opinion.