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reallygoodguy
Mar 2, 2011, 01:41 AM
My girl friend and I have been together for 15 months. We were both married when we first meet and we both were divorced in the last year. We have a loving, caring very intimate relationship. She has three children, two in college and one 13 year old at home. I also have two grown children.
She is the bread winner for her family. Her husband is self employed, but he is really more like unemployed. She made him move out when 8 months ago. He has not been able to earn his own keep on his own and she has had to bail him with thousands of dollars. Supposedly some of the money was so he could get his own place near their son's junior high school. Instead he moved in with his girl friend. That didn't work, so he has moved back home. Her son is happy. She says she is going to help him straighten out his finances. That will take some time as first he must pay off his debt, and then save to get his own place.
At first I thought it would be okay if it was for a short term, maybe just a couple months. I asked her to be sure to set and end date. Now I realize this is going to take a long time. She says his being home with their son will let her spend more time with me, which I have been wanting. I told her I thought she is enabling him, making it so he does not have to get off the couch and earn a living. She has been doing that for years. In the past he has also belittled her to her son. The boy is very disrespectful to her, which she blames on her ex.
I am looking at this situation with trepidation. Should I be concerned? I am considering taking a break from our relationship so I can figure out if I should take on all this baggage, a both to raise and an ex husband that is causing her extra expense and headache.

joypulv
Mar 2, 2011, 01:53 AM
Dear REALLYGOODGUY, there's only so much good a guy can be without being a fool.
Say 'goodbye and let me know when this is is over.'
Trepidation is too mild a word.

(This is a bit of a confusing story, because you say you are together but then I have to conclude that you don't live in the same house together?)

reallygoodguy
Mar 2, 2011, 02:04 AM
Joypulv - We do not live in the same house. Her ex-moved back into her house, where she has been lving with her son. I have beeb considering taking a break from the relationship so I can try to sort this out. When we are together I am happy with her. When we are apart I begin to have my doubts. There is really a lot of baggage here and it will not go away for many years.

joypulv
Mar 2, 2011, 04:19 AM
Good idea. She's the one who has to do the sorting, and this sounds like the only way you will find out where her feelings reside. She can't have it both ways.

This reminds me of me in a small way. I married a man while continuing to work for my previous boyfriend, who was married to a previous roommate of mine. I thought that would be all OK with my husband - it wasn't. He got me a job at his company, but after 2 years I went back to my old BF's business. (Usually just the 2 of us in the office, not a hint of romance or tension.) I think a lot of the jealousy stemmed from the fact that I was still involved with the old BF when I was first getting to know the man I married.
Years later my husband ditched me. SIGH

reallygoodguy
Mar 2, 2011, 05:51 AM
Joypulv - she pledges her love and says she can hardly stand her ex. She thinks her ex may be suicidal given his failure to support himself. She hopes in a year or so he will be back on his feet. At that time she wants to sell her house. Her ex is to get 25% of any gain there would be. That would give him the money to get a house and take over custody of their son. She wants me to stick with her during this time.
I am losing sleep over the whole mess. I planned and had my kids so they would be on their own when I am in my forties. Now I seem to have her son and her ex that I have to build my schedule around. BTW - he's a good kid, but I am not his dad and never will try to take the place of his dad.

martinizing2
Mar 3, 2011, 04:03 AM
I could not live with that situation myself.
It sounds like she is being his mother in an odd way.

I would hint at some counselling... until it happens.
This is not a healthy situation.

Jake2008
Mar 3, 2011, 05:26 AM
She is a divorced woman, living with her ex-husband. So, she is living with a man she has no legal ties to, and this is okay with you?

I feel very sorry for your girlfriends son who must surely be confused with daddy being home again, after the poor kid likely went through hell when his parents divorced. Is this okay with you as well?

Her loaning him money, bailing him out and helping him get back on his feet again, as you said, is costing her thousands of dollars. What do you think about that.

That she is stringing you along by saying with her ex now living in her home, he spends more time with her son, so she can spend more time with you- using her son as an excuse to justify bad behaviour is okay with you?

Please think twice about a woman who doesn't know what she wants. Or, please think twice about a woman who would use her son as an excuse to allow her ex husband to live in her home. And think twice about the fact that for all intent and purpose, they are living as a 'couple', playing parents to a kid who doesn't deserve to be a monkey in the middle.

You are kidding yourself if you think that she has a purely platonic, and extremely generous relationship with her ex husband.

My advice to you is to tell her that she can give you a call when, and if, she truly separates from her husband, gets her son into therapy, and sees the damage she is doing to you, and your relationship with her.

There is a man in her life all right, and it isn't you.

Shelby12
Aug 9, 2012, 06:59 PM
II first read this over a year ago when I was going through the same thing. I was looking for advice. This helped a little.

In my case the ex husband moved out after my girl paid him part of the divorce settlement. He still had no job and got evicted after he went through the money. It took about a year for him to get evicted.

He moved in with his girl friend. They split. He asked to come back home. My girl said okay if I was okay with it. Put me in the spot, trying to sell me on the idea that she could spend more time with me. I said okay, but only temporarily. After a month he still had no move out date. I put my foot down, told her I did not think she was serious about us. She gave him two months to move out. Her son did not like it. Good thing was the ex husband found a job. He moved in with his brother in law and decided he could tolerate his old girl friend a few nights a week.

My girl put her house on the market, sold it and is moving in with me. Her ex gets part of the proceeds, so he'll be set for a while. She's bringing the kids.
The thing is big changes had to happen for she and I to work. I had my kids early and they were long gone. She knew I could be out of her life at anytime. She told me she loved me and showed me she meant it.

I wonder how things worked out for ReallyGoodGuy.