I found a recent picture of my stepson's stepfather holding what looks like a blunt on his birthday in the trailer they live in. If this is a blunt, is it possible that my husband may be able to get full custody of his son due the usage of drugs in his son's mother's home? What would the process be, and would he get into trouble if he withholds his son from their household until a drugtest is taken by the stepfather?

Have you ever heard about CCE?
By the way CCE means clear and convince evidence.
Have in mind if your husband cannot prove that the step-parent is drug addicted,he will be in trouble.

What would the process be
Your husband must file for custody modification based on his allegations that the step-parent is drug addicted and it harms the child

This picture alone would not be anywhere near enough to get custody. It probably wouldn't even be enough to get a drug test. Maybe, if it were combined with other issue, it might help.

Why is your husband trying to get custody?

This picture alone would not be anywhere near enough to get custody. It probably wouldn't even be enough to get a drug test. Maybe, if it were combined with other issue, it might help.

Why is your husband trying to get custody?

My husband is trying to get custody for a number of reasons. His son is 3 now. RIght now he has joint legal and the mother has primary physical. For the last 3 years we have had my stepson for more than half of the time because she gets sick of having him all the time and dumps him off with us or my husband's parents. We don't mind at all, we'd rather have him with us than with her. They live in a trailer which reaks of smoke because they smoke in it, and every time we get him he smells of smoke. He's had constant ear infections when he spends prolonged times there, not necessarily because of the cigarette smoking but the pediatricians AND his ENT (he had to get tubes at one point) have all told her that 2nd and 3rd hand smoke has a high risk of ear infections, but she continues to smoke around him. It's pretty sad that we have to smell his shoes to figure out which ones are theirs (we have a pair that are the same) because they smell like smoke. She constantly uses her son against my husband to get what she wants, and still reaps the benefits of receiving child support when she stays at home, hasn't bothered to get a job in the last 2 1/2 years, was fired from 3 jobs before that because she just didn't care and never showed up. Medical is supposed to be 50/50 but we are always the ones who take him to the dr and we pay all the medical bills because she refuses to contribute. We have a better home for him, he has a brother and a sister with us and he has a room he can actually play in (his room with them is slightly bigger than a closet or a small bathroom, it barely fits a toddler bed and his dresser). We are also in a better school district and want him to get the best possible, and also we have been the ones who have signed him up for sports through our membership with the YMCA and have paid for everything. We don't mind paying, and want to be able to put him into sports without having to rely on her to get him there. He was in Tball and she came to 2 games the whole season and we had to pick him up every other time 45 min away from where we live.

So there are quite a few reasons he wants to gain full custody. Not to mention that we feel she is not a good role model for him. He's only 3 and he comes to us spouting bad language to which we have to teach him that's wrong, she lets him watch R rated horror movies and crude TV shows. They never discipline him and then throw negative words out blaming us when he acts up with them. As the stepmother, I have done nothing but be nice and try to make things decent and every time my stepson's mother manages to turn things around and suddenly I'm the bad guy. She even puts horrible things in his head like HATING us, and posts nothing but nasty comments about us on the web.

My husband was told that he could request a drug test if he even THOUGHT there was a possibility of drug usage in the home. IS this incorrect?

For a court to order a drug test requires reasonable cause. There are freedoms in the US and illegal search and seizure is unconstitutional. Forcing someone to take a drug test without reasonable cause would be unconstitutional.

Have you been keeping a journal of all these issues? Can you prove them (pediatrician stmts, etc.)? If so, then by all means, file a petition in Family Court for a modification of the custody order. I would strongly advise doing this with an attorney. An attorney can advise you what to present to the court and what not to present (for example, you don't want to mention the bit about her not trying to work and living off the support).

Yes, trust me, we are waiting on a settlement so we can afford the lawyer and then my husband was planning on it anyway.

OK, so in the meantime document EVERYTHING. Keep a journal of every medical problem he has, every incident of behavior or other issues.

Oh I am. And this just happened today, we have to go get him because his baby sister is in the hospital with croup. No wonder because their house reaks of smoke and it is VITAL not to subject children to second hand or third hand cigarette smoke. ESPECIALLY when they have a respiratory condition.

My husband is trying to get custody for a number of reasons. His son is 3 now. RIght now he has joint legal and the mother has primary physical. For the last 3 years we have had my stepson for more than half of the time because she gets sick of having him all the time and dumps him off with us or my husband's parents. We dont mind at all, we'd rather have him with us than with her. They live in a trailer which reaks of smoke because they smoke in it, and everytime we get him he smells of smoke. He's had constant ear infections when he spends prolonged times there, not necessarily because of the cigarette smoking but the pediatricians AND his ENT (he had to get tubes at one point) have all told her that 2nd and 3rd hand smoke has a high risk of ear infections, but she continues to smoke around him. It's pretty sad that we have to smell his shoes to figure out which ones are theirs (we have a pair that are the same) because they smell like smoke. She constantly uses her son against my husband to get what she wants, and still reaps the benefits of receiving child support when she stays at home, hasn't bothered to get a job in the last 2 1/2 years, was fired from 3 jobs before that because she just didnt care and never showed up. Medical is supposed to be 50/50 but we are always the ones who take him to the dr and we pay all the medical bills because she refuses to contribute. We have a better home for him, he has a brother and a sister with us and he has a room he can actually play in (his room with them is slightly bigger than a closet or a small bathroom, it barely fits a toddler bed and his dresser). We are also in a better school district and want him to get the best possible, and also we have been the ones who have signed him up for sports through our membership with the YMCA and have paid for everything. We dont mind paying, and want to be able to put him into sports without having to rely on her to get him there. He was in Tball and she came to 2 games the whole season and we had to pick him up every other time 45 min away from where we live.

So there are quite a few reasons why he wants to gain full custody. Not to mention that we feel she is not a good role model for him. He's only 3 and he comes to us spouting bad language to which we have to teach him that's wrong, she lets him watch R rated horror movies and crude tv shows. They never discipline him and then throw negative words out blaming us when he acts up with them. As the stepmother, I have done nothing but be nice and try to make things decent and every time my stepson's mother manages to turn things around and suddenly I'm the bad guy. She even puts horrible things in his head like HATING us, and posts nothing but nasty comments about us on the web.


Few questions I have: how old are you and how old is your husband? You said his ex is 20 years old and that their son is now 3 which means she was only 17 when he was born.

You also said that you have the child "more than half the time" but the mother is complaining that he has diaper rash when she gets him back:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/family-law/pictures-stepson-legal-issues-332428.html#post1619718

As for the medical bills for the child, she needs to pay half. If she doesn't, then you file for contempt of court against her - it's as easy as that.

If you want to file for primary physical custody of the child, you need grounds for the placement change - the judge will not uproot the child from the home he has known for the past three years just because his parents are fighting and not getting along. Can you prove that she is neglecting or abusing him in anyway - educationally, emotionally, physically, verbally?

If you check the date on that posting, that was March 2009. My stepson's mother will be 22 in a couple weeks, now. I will be 24 and my husband is turning 26 next month.
So of course there are no more complaints about diaper rashes because my stepson is now completely potty trained, but she continuously brings up the past and says that I am neglectful.

I don't know if we can PROVE anything at this point. I do know that we have dr records of every time he's had an ear infection and our pediatrician notes who takes him to the dr, so it shows us having taken him almost every time he needed to go. For the longest time before she applied for Medicade for him, she would not take him and then requested we taken him so she wouldn't have to pay the copay. He has had multiple single and double ear infections, tubes in his ears, the whole shabang, and yet they have continued to smoke around him, smoke in the house, his clothes and shoes reak of smoke every time we get him. THe doctors have told her that smoking or having a child around smoke has that high risk of causing ear infections, but she has not abided by any of their advice to keep him away from smoke. TO me, I feel this is abuse, but I'm sure to many it is not. As far as other abuse goes, the only thing I know is that she talks bad about us to him and tells him that he should hate us. Course, once again, there's no proof of that other than her saying to people that he hates us, when we know he doesn't, he's only 3, and we take the best care of him that he deserves.

If you check the date on that posting, that was March 2009. My stepson's mother will be 22 in a couple weeks, now. I will be 24 and my husband is turning 26 next month.
So of course there are no more complaints about diaper rashes because my stepson is now completely potty trained, but she continuously brings up the past and says that I am neglectful.

I dont know if we can PROVE anything at this point. I do know that we have dr records of everytime he's had an ear infection and our pediatrician notes who takes him to the dr, so it shows us having taken him almost everytime he needed to go. For the longest time before she applied for Medicade for him, she would not take him and then requested we taken him so she wouldnt have to pay the copay. He has had multiple single and double ear infections, tubes in his ears, the whole shabang, and yet they have continued to smoke around him, smoke in the house, his clothes and shoes reak of smoke everytime we get him. THe drs have told her that smoking or having a child around smoke has that high risk of causing ear infections, but she has not abided by any of their advice to keep him away from smoke. TO me, I feel this is abuse, but I'm sure to many it is not. As far as other abuse goes, the only thing I know is that she talks bad about us to him and tells him that he should hate us. Course, once again, there's no proof of that other than her saying to people that he hates us, when we know he doesn't, he's only 3, and we take the best care of him that he deserves.

You're right when you say "to many it is not" - smoking is harmful but it is not abuse. If it were, every pregnant woman who smokes would lose custody as soon as the baby was born.

Talking bad about the other parent isn't uncommon, unfortunately. Hopefully she will grow up and stop but in the meantime, you need to ignore it.

Have you consulted with an attorney about filing for a custody change?

My husband has talked to a lawyer, but at this point we can't afford one until he actually gets reimbursed from the insurance company for loss of pay when he was in an accident last year. It will be two years as of June, so hopefully it doesn't take that long, but it has to go to court, so once that is finalized he can afford to retain an attorney. We don't feel that the other home is a stable place for him to grow up in. She has moved 11 or 12 times since she moved here when he was 5 months old, and will be moving again in less than a year. I understand many children move a lot, I moved a lot because my parents were mission workers, but the difference is, we always moved for a reason and we never had to live with another family. She was staying with her grandmother, then her aunt, then some guy her aunt knew, then an ex boyfriend, then finally by herself with her new husband, then they moved in with her in laws, and then sister in law but were kicked out there and moved in with her in laws again, then back into a trailer. We just want the best for my stepson.