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Dec 11, 2009, 05:29 AM
He asked me to marry him in August and I cried and said yes. I am so excited to have our life together. There are so many stresses in our life right now however and I think that is the root cause of our fighting. We are tight on money, both attending post secondary education (myself a double major in psychology and sociology with a specialization in crime law and deviance, and him at college studying business). He also has been working on a full time fighting career in MMA in the hopes of one day turning professional. We also have two puppies (both 4 days apart and 5 months old). We have only been living in the same apartment since September. And to top it all off the buses went on strike in the city we go to school in and we have been walking over an hour to attend school. Plus it has now entered exam period for both of us.
I think it is all this that we just fight all the time with each other. And I was able to handle it until we began saying nasty things to each other; like down right mean. And he has been talking about maybe taking a break to spend some time away from each other. I am all for the time since we are not used to spending this much time seeing each other but there has been so many couples who take a break and never come back, or find someone else. I am not for the break and I don't know how to stop the fighting to convince him that we are okay. I feel like we are both giving up but I don't want to at all. We are perfect for each other and he is the love of my life.
I've been told that having date nights once in a while would solve all our problems...but like I said we are tight on money and both on financial assistance to even attend school. We could find cheap things to do but I don't think that this is a solve all answer...
Please help I feel mild depression and a lot of anxiety and I cry all the time (in the shower so he doesn't know..). I don't know what to do. I love him so much but this has gotten to the point that he doesn't even want to plan the wedding. I am so scared...please help!
Dec 11, 2009, 05:37 AM
You are both stressed out and under pressure,and taking it out on each other...
Instead,you should be a support and haven for each other..
I suggest you both sit down and write down each of your problems and together try and work then out...can you help each other with school work,is there something he can do to help you in the evenings.....
Make a plan together to NOT blame each other for outside stresses,but to talk to each other about it...
And listen....really listen to what each of you have to say.
Dec 11, 2009, 05:42 AM
Sounds like something I went through not long ago. We fought for about 1 months straight. Every single day. When name calling started I turned around and left the room. When screaming started I turned around and left the room.
No point in trying to resolve conflict if someone screams or resorts to childish name calling. It will only escelate and both will be worked up so much that neither listens anymore.
Get someone else involved to put some perspective back. A mother, a friend, someone who is not in the middle of this, just to be the ref.
Dec 11, 2009, 06:48 AM
Everyone is under stress - the whole world is. I don't think you can force him to listen to you, but remember, your issues will not go away once you are married and need to be resolved quickly. Even if an issue resolves itself, there will always be another one to take its place.
To me this is an issue of poor communication. You two need to take the time and seek some kind of premarital/couples counseling before the wedding. Many couples do this with excellent results. You need to figure out how to open up with each other and communicate. Just talking about things relieves a lot of the stress in life. You need to be partners.
Dec 11, 2009, 07:13 AM
Extreme harshness alert
This is why it is recommended to consider marriage only after you've graduated from all your studies. That way, you won't have added pressures from school.
Communication is important, but I suggest you focus on finishing your studies before worrying about marriage. Get your priorities straightened out. Your priority is school.
I think that much of your arguments stem from stress and you're taking it out on one another.
Once you're done school, you can focus on building a stronger relationship together.
Furthermore, if you're tight on money, why would you have a additional expenses such as puppies?
Dec 11, 2009, 07:58 AM
This is where family should come in. I am in the midst of exams myself, and they are no walk in the park....add on top of that, its the end of the year and I'm broke, first xmas in 5 years I won't be spending it with a significant other, and did I mention I'm broke
If you 2 really love each other, find a way to make it work. If he isn't being the bigger man, realize the toll the stress is taking on the current situation, and be the bigger woman. A simple but effective saying is two wrongs don't make a right, be the bigger person when your character is really being tested.....money, holidays, new living conditions, some of the major causes of breakups. Don't become a statistic....find a solution, and as someone said above, consult a third party, because the number one thing that keeps a fight burning is the fact that both parties they they are right!
Dec 11, 2009, 09:23 AM
Partners that know when, and how, to let their partners vent, are rare indeed, but sometimes the best stress relief, is to say nothing.
Venting is stress relief, it only gets nasty when you take it personally, and get emotionally involved. Then no one gets relief that way.
For you both, knowing when to shut up, will help you both.
Dec 11, 2009, 10:35 PM
You are right to think that all the stressors in your life are causing the anger to come out, in both of you.
Anger usually masks fear. The anxiety from fear is probably caused by the lack of money, exams, planning the future, the puppies, and overall, the unknown at the end of it all.
The unknown is, you don't know where any of all this stress is going to lead. A breakup? More anger? More arguing?
If only one of the major things in your life were happening now, it would cause a lot of anxiety, so when you add so much to the situation,with all of it happening at once, no wonder you are both at each other.
Where is the stress relief? Where is the management of time and resources to fit each other into the day.
You need to break the cycle of using each other for a stress buster, because it will resolve nothing. Instead, sit down and talk about how everything you are both coping with, is affecting your relationship.
Realize it for what it is, and be honest about it. Then try your best to get better organized to spend some time together, outside the problems. Put them on the shelf, and walk to the nearest coffee shop, and just talk over coffee. Take a bus to a museum, and just enjoy eachother's company. Rent a movie once a week, or get to the local buck store, buy some candles, and make a nice dinner. Kraft Dinner even, with candles, shows an effort.
Just like you each have to invest, and continue to invest in your educations and see it through to the end, you have to take time to invest in your relationship too.
It doesn't take much to make another person happy. Small, thoughtful gestures that make you connect in loving ways, will help so much.
Jun 29, 2011, 10:25 PM
My fianc? Just get on my nerves
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