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sandi_feet
Nov 7, 2006, 11:01 PM
I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several occasions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has a lot of family in this area. A lot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP

smrtpants
Nov 8, 2006, 07:16 AM
As with all situations/sets of circumstances that pertain to family [and other subjective arenas], there are often 'three sides to each coin'; and when a side is presented it is often, naturally and not necessarily intentionally, skewed to the p.o.v. of the party that has taken that particular side...

... that said, I wonder if you asked to speak with both your son and his wife at the same time, thereby allowing them to feel the 'protection' of their inherent alliance as husband and wife as opposed to the perception of being 'cornered' [which could imply the possibility of being 'coerced' into some kind of 'spousal-mutiny']...

... I'm thinking that you will have a better chance at reaching them if you approach the situation/issue from a 'what is in the children's best interests' instead of what you need as a grandparent, and that inviting them to discuss it as a 'dynamic duo' you should pose no threat to their strength both as husband and wife, and as parents who hopefully only want what's best for their children...

... on the other hand, if there is anything that you are not saying [either for the sake of retaining your anonymity, or because you just haven't come to terms with something crucial in a defining manner that pertains to their comfort level with regard to your interaction with their children] then you are simply in an unfortunate holding pattern until you can 'step up to the plate'/'face the music'/'wake up and smell the coffee', and nothing is going to change, in fact it might even deteriorate, until you come to terms with what their real issues are.

samsclub
Nov 8, 2006, 09:01 PM
I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several ocassions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has alot of family in this area. Alot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP
You are right you do need to learn how to deal with it. As a mother of 3 young children it would stress me out if my mother in law were over sensitive and trying to "schedule" times with them. It is not natural and it does not flow. Your daughter in law will naturally go to her mother- where she has great comfort. It is not a reflection on you at all. You are taking that part personally.

With you trying to force yourself into their family time/life they will pull away even more. When you do see your grandchild just be the best grandmother you can be and enjoy seeing them. Let the atmosphere be comfortable and enjoyable. It is not a battle between her parents and you. You need to lower your expectations so that you will not feel so overwhelmed and they will not feel the pressure.

Just enjoy them and her when they do come over. (At least they do see you.) If you relax they might relax.

sandi_feet
Nov 9, 2006, 05:29 AM
This answer is not what I was looking for , but it sure does hit home. Thanks for the advise...

grandfather
Dec 3, 2006, 06:46 PM
sandi_feet,

Reject the load-of-crap advice heretofore given. Of course, none of us know all the particulars about your relationship with your daughter-in-law, but advice like "just enjoy them when they do come over. (At least they do see you).", and doing "what is in the children's best interests" is not only condescending but ignores your pain.

I do not know what kind of grandmother/mother-in-law you are, but I can tell you and anyone else who reads this that not every mother-in-law is the wicked witch of the west the world portrays. Do a Google search of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law problems and about all you find are a multitude of websites bent on showcasing how stupid, moronic, wicked, evil, disgusting, spawns-of-satan mothers-in-law are.

Yes, there are bad mothers-in-law. REALLY bad mothers-in-law. We get it already. There are tons of sites that denigrate mothers-in-law and psycho grandmothers. I am here defending the good ones.

My wife is a most wonderful wife, mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother. We have many of the same issues with our daughter-in-law concerning our granddaughter that you do. There is NO reason whatsoever that we should get the shaft like we do, but it's a fact. We have to FIGHT for scraps of time for our granddaughter, and yes, it does hurt when the "other grandparents" get 95%+ of the time and we get next to nothing. We have tried to have a great relationship with our daughter-in-law well before our son's wife got pregnant, but there was never any real emotional attachment from her to us. She "tolerates" us but doesn't feel a real connection with us.

She is petty, accuses us of things we've never done or thought, and our son doesn't want to play either side, so he totally stays out of it and refuses to get involved. About the comment that you should do what's in the best interest of the child: how is it NOT in the best interest of the child for you to get more time and not merely leftover scraps? Unless you are a criminal, a drug dealer, an alcoholic, or some other moral degenerate who would be unfit to be with your own granddaughter, it would absolutely be in the child's best interest to be with you more than she probably is.

What the idiot daughters-in-law don't/won't understand is that most grandmothers (at least the decent ones) just want to love their grandchildren and spend time with them. Is that so terrible? If those same grandmothers did NOT want this, the same daughters-in-law would howl about how uncaring grandma is. Can't win for losing. And yes, I understand how a woman would be more apt to go to her own mother for comfort, as one poster says, but what has that got to do with you being able to spend time with your own granddaughter? I don't recall you being hurt because your DIL doesn't come to you for comfort.

Far too many children/children-in-law really don't care what their parents want. That's a fact. My prayer for them all is that they will come to understand how we feel when THEY become grandparents someday. By that time, of course, it will be too late to develop a relationship with our grandchildren, as they will be grown and have a life of their own.

I am sorry I have no real advice for you in all this, except first, don't take anyone's stupid advice amounting to "shut up and be grateful for what you've got", and second, I CAN say that you shouldn't give up hope. Make sure your granddaughter gets to know you. Spend whatever time you can with her. As for me, when my own granddaughter asks me someday why can't she stay with us more, I'll tell her the truth.

Bluerose
Dec 3, 2006, 07:39 PM
I have a 13 year old grandson living with me. It's a very sad story. I'll try to give you the short version. My son and his wife broke up, not even a year married. She was on her own with the baby when he got hurt and he was taken from her. My son got custody. Eight years later my son re-married, and then two more little boys came along. My grandson felt pushed out and became more and more unhappy at home and asked if he could come and live with me. He is 13 now and has been with me for two years. My son and his wife have been married about six years now and I can count on one hand how often I have seen her and the other two grandsons. I do not know the reason for this. And I am too busy taking care of my grandson to go and find out.

I really feel for you, sandi_feet. It's a very difficult position to be in. There are sites all over the net filled with grandparents who are taking care of grandchildren or are fighting for more time with their grandchildren. Some even fighting through the courts for more access to their grandchildren. It's heartbreaking.

Someone suggested sitting down with both parents and discus having more time with your grandchild. I think that would be a good idea. You also want to try to fix to have your grandchild on a regular basis. Pick a day that is continent for both parents and grandparents, and ask for it to be an overnight stay.

Let us know how you get on. Okay?

BabyBruchie
Dec 5, 2006, 01:17 AM
I think you talk to your son, since it seems that it was unbalanced because the mother is the one seting the time and all that. If your son would be in the scheduling, maybe the time between you and the other grandparents would be equal... and don't tell them at first that you where hurt maybe tell them indirectly or maybe ask them maybe if you could spend more time with your granddaughter because you miss her a lot.

Bluerose
Dec 5, 2006, 06:55 AM
sandi_feet,

Do a search on the net for grandparents rights. You can find other grandparents to talk to who have been through the same thing.

Tuscany
Dec 5, 2006, 07:08 AM
sandi_feet,

Reject the load-of-crap advice heretofore given. Of course, none of us know all the particulars about your relationship with your daughter-in-law, but advice like "just enjoy them when they do come over. (At least they do see you).", and doing "what is in the children's best interests" is not only condescending but ignores your pain.

I do not know what kind of grandmother/mother-in-law you are, but I can tell you and anyone else who reads this that not every mother-in-law is the wicked witch of the west the world portrays. Do a Google search of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law problems and about all you find are a multitude of websites bent on showcasing how stupid, moronic, wicked, evil, disgusting, spawns-of-satan mothers-in-law are.

Yes, there are bad mothers-in-law. REALLY bad mothers-in-law. We get it already. There are tons of sites that denigrate mothers-in-law and psycho grandmothers. I am here defending the good ones.

My wife is a most wonderful wife, mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother. We have many of the same issues with our daughter-in-law concerning our granddaughter that you do. There is NO reason whatsoever that we should get the shaft like we do, but it's a fact. We have to FIGHT for scraps of time for our granddaughter, and yes, it does hurt when the "other grandparents" get 95%+ of the time and we get next to nothing. We have tried to have a great relationship with our daughter-in-law well before our son's wife got pregnant, but there was never any real emotional attachment from her to us. She "tolerates" us but doesn't feel a real connection with us.

She is petty, accuses us of things we've never done or thought, and our son doesn't want to play either side, so he totally stays out of it and refuses to get involved. About the comment that you should do what's in the best interest of the child: how is it NOT in the best interest of the child for you to get more time and not merely leftover scraps? Unless you are a criminal, a drug dealer, an alcoholic, or some other moral degenerate who would be unfit to be with your own granddaughter, it would absolutely be in the child's best interest to be with you more than she probably is.

What the idiot daughters-in-law don't/won't understand is that most grandmothers (at least the decent ones) just want to love their grandchildren and spend time with them. Is that so terrible? If those same grandmothers did NOT want this, the same daughters-in-law would howl about how uncaring grandma is. Can't win for losing. And yes, I understand how a woman would be more apt to go to her own mother for comfort, as one poster says, but what has that got to do with you being able to spend time with your own granddaughter? I don't recall you being hurt because your DIL doesn't come to you for comfort.


I am sorry I have no real advice for you in all this, except first, don't take anyone's stupid advice amounting to "shut up and be grateful for what you've got", and second, I CAN say that you shouldn't give up hope. Make sure your granddaughter gets to know you. Spend whatever time you can with her. As for me, when my own granddaughter asks me someday why can't she stay with us more, I'll tell her the truth.

To be quite honest this post scares me. I have a very loving and kind mother and father in law. In fact I call my father in law Dad, however we do not get along all the time. That is just the way it is. My husband's mom is jealous when he can't come over and see her when she calls, and will take it out on me. Although I do not believe it is intentional it still happens. No matter how great your relationship is with your in-laws there is going to be tension, I believe that it happens when two families come together. Case in point... blended families where step children are involved.

What scares me the most is that you say that you will tell your granddaughter the "truth" as too why she is not over to your house as often. Don't you see that it will backfire on you. Yes, you are the grandparent and yes you do have rights, however, the parents are the parents and they have the most control over who their child can see. I fear that doing this will make your daughter in law resent you, push your granddaughter further away, and place your son in the middle of a situation that he cannot win.

grandfather
Dec 5, 2006, 07:26 PM
Tuscany,

Sorry my post scares you, but it's obvious that you cannot possibly relate to situations like those of us who are a generation older than you have to endure.

I am sorry your mother-in-law takes it out on you when she can't come over.

Believe me, I know all about extended families, tension, the need to give-and-take, and all that jazz. I do not expect the Normal Rockwell family, but I do dang well expect more than we get sometimes.

Your comment also assumes that our DIL doesn't resent us already. Well, she does, in detail I will not elaborate on here. What I know that you do not know is that my grandchild will be told that we don't care, don't want to see her. That will not go unchallenged. I will not have her believe a lie about her paternal grandparents who simply want the paranoid DIL to lighten up and not require supervised visits when there is absolutely no reason for it. No, there's no mental illness... just manipulation on her part.

And yes, I am well aware that our children have the right to do what they want with their own children. I had some of my own, obviously, and I know where they are coming from. But, like I said in my last post, someday they will probably be grandparents and I only hope they have children-in-law exactly like we have!

turbo
Jan 22, 2007, 07:36 PM
Your feelings are certainly understandable. Being left out or treated unfairly is very painful. I cannot fathom how adult children who have been given so much love by kind parents can fail to see the hurtfulness of their behavior. Perhaps keeping a journal might help. It seems as though the Dr. Phil, 'talk it out and make it better' style does not always work. Adult children do not always want to listen, remain defensive and indifferent despite our best efforts. Please keep us posted as to how your situation improves and know that others are experiencing the similar strife. You are not alone.

Abuhar
Jan 24, 2007, 05:54 PM
You are asking how to deal with the feelings, which you want to get rid, right? How about thinking of something distracting, but challenging: what can occupy your mind? Think of your habits, interests, capacities, what you always wanted to do but postponed. I am saying that by finding a new activity you will kill two rabits: to forget your sad feelings and to attract your granddaughter with it. Kids of 19 year old are pretty busy people with their young dreams and interests. If you can find something that she too be involved in her soul?

proudgrandma
Jan 31, 2007, 08:58 PM
Right-on!

gardenstop
Apr 15, 2007, 10:14 AM
Good morning.

I have so much to say with regard to g-parenting in this day and age; feeling like sandi, a second class citizen and only called upon when so and so needs jeans, sleepers; always getting the left overs regarding visitation and of course, forgettabout holidays. I have been dealing with an extremely insecure dil for over 10 years who only participates in a relationship myself and my husband on an as-little-as possible basis, unless of course she needs something monetarily or materially.

I have attempted to have one-on-one's with her; I have attempted to discuss the problem with my son; all of which boil down to a huge waste of time.

I had such a remarkable relationship with my g-ma - - so perhaps my expectations are unreasonable; however, I also tend to take more than my share of responsibility in a relationship that has gone sour. I'm working on that.

When I read some of these posts, sandi, it troubles me as the criticism seems to be directed toward only the mom in law. No one is perfect; however, and I can only speak from my experience in life, but what I have noticed is 30 something's seem to know absolutely everything about everything - - from parenting [gosh, I can't even imagined how I could have raised children w/out electric bottle warmers and warmed diaper wipes and intercoms etc, etc] But I did raise children. I was a good mom who encouraged self esteem and open mindedness. And now, when I am the brunt of my son and his wife's inconsiderate, rude and disrespectful behavior, I can't help but wonder what in the world did I do wrong?

Ah, but bottom line is, I do not live for my children or my g-children. This is my life. I have choices. I cannot control what my son or his wife do or say or think. I must not waste a precious moment - - at least I try not to, sometimes not very successfully - - on negativity and anger and hurt feelings. I must rise up and embrace all the beauty this world has to offer me.

So, you are not alone Sandi. And those of you so critical, let's talk again in 20 years when your children are parents - - perhaps you'll reflect on this differently.

froggy7
Apr 15, 2007, 08:35 PM
What about a compromise? You say that you like your daughter-in-law's parents. What about spending some time with the baby when she's with the other side of the family? I mean, we are talking about a 19-month-old. Having some more people around to play with and help keep an eye on her is surely a good thing.

Plus, it sounds like DIL has a lot more people on her side of the family that want to spend time with the baby. After all the aunts, uncles, and cousins have their turn with the baby, she may feel that she needs the time to be alone with her kid that you want to visit. Like it or not, in most families the wife is in charge of the social calendar, and it's probably easier for her to tell someone that hasn't been in her family all her life that they can't see the kid than it is to tell Aunt Suzy who was at all of her birthday parties. Especially if husband isn't sticking up for equal time for his side of the family.

froggy7
Apr 16, 2007, 05:09 AM
I've slept, and my brain was apparently working on this overnight.

Here's some additional thoughts:

What sort of "special outings" are you planning? It might go over better if you offered to watch the baby for a few hours on a weeknight so that they can go out, for example, as opposed to "I'm planning to take the baby to zoo all day Saturday and have them stay overnight."

Are you really getting any less time with the baby than any single member of her family? Is this a matter of perception. Example: If there are ten people on her side of the family, and you on yours, and each of you gets to see the baby for an hour, her side of the family sees the baby ten times as much as you do, but her mom is probably muttering that she doesn't get to spend enough time with the baby herself. DIL may see what she's doing as being equitable to individuals, while you see it as favoring her side.

Is there something about the plans that you make, or where you live, that the DIL is uncomfortable with? Does she feel that they are inappropriate for her child? Do you live in a bad neighborhood, on a busy street, etc? Do you and your husband have a more heated way of interacting than she is used to? I dated a guy once where the family, as a matter of course, was always yelling and shouting, while I came from a very restrained, quiet family.

Anyway, think on those for a bit and see if any of them apply. If so, you know what you can do to either alter or accept the situation.

vlee
Apr 16, 2007, 06:23 AM
Is there anything in the way you behave which may be putting you DIL off? For example, do you make mention of better ways she could do this or that, or save time here or there? A lot of grandma's want to be helpful, but often it feels like criticism to the mom. Her brief encounters with you could be to avoid feeling like she is inadequate. Perhaps you could be the first to make holiday plans with your son and DIL? Invite them over for a specific time. Volunteer to babysit your granddaughter, at their home. Tell them you'd like to give them a few hours to go to dinner and a movie, or whatever they would like to do. Your DIL would probably feel more comfortable thinking of her little girl being safe and comfy in her own home. Just be sure to follow whatever rules or guidelines they have for her so that you will be invited back again. How was your relationship with your DIL before she had the baby? Did you spend much time together? How about your son?

I know you say you don't feel comfortable talking to your DIL, but I think you really need to. You need to make her aware that you love your granddaughter and feel you don't have much of an opportunity to spend time with her.

judyg4040
Apr 24, 2007, 08:42 PM
I have a similar problem. My son and DIL live about 10 hours from my husband and me. Her parents live about two miles from us. I have a three-month-old granddaughter. My DIL comes to visit every few weeks and does not think that it is a problem that she will not notify us to let us know that she is in town with our only grandchild. My son now knows that he has to notify us, but he tells me that if we want to see our granddaughter we are to visit her parents to do so. Her parents have made every attempt to let us know that we are not liked or welcome in their home. They pretend to be polite but then we hear the things they say about us behind our backs. She is coming this weekend and will be here for 11 days. We were told that we could go and visit for a little while on Saturday and that is all. My DIL will not bring the child here or to any other of the relatives' homes. My mother is not in good health and cannot climb the stairs to see the baby and they don't care. It has been a very difficult year for us. My sister was diagnosed with lung cancer, my husband had heart surgery around the same time, and my mother is in and out of the hospital. During all this we can be grateful that our granddaughter is healthy and has great parents but we are not being allowed to be her grandparents. My heart is broken.

startover22
Apr 27, 2007, 12:46 PM
I have read these posts and think you should not make your son take sides, it isn't fair. I like the idea of talking to them together and asking them if there is a problem and make it very clear you do not want to start a problem, you just want more time with the baby. Tell them that you feel a little blown off and see what they say. Maybe they have concerns themselves. You just never know, let them talk it through with you. You sound like you will be a great grandparent. And if all else fails, take what you can get without starting a big ordeal. Starting a big ordeal will just make everyone feel uncomfortable and you will most likely see them less. I know that there are problems with my in laws and my own parents, hurt feeling and such, one is closer to us than the other so it really makes it hard. I do the best I can with my situation and sometimes we just don't get what we really want, even if it is a great want. Good luck & go talk to them together.

judyg4040
Apr 27, 2007, 01:37 PM
I agree with you about not making my son take sides. Believe me, I know which side he would take. I have tried to be positive with my DIL and son and told them what great parents they are and will be as their daughter gets older. My gripe is that my granddaughter lives 10 hours drive from me. If she is brought to the town that I live in, I would appreciate access to her, not the fact that they are here hidden from me and my husband. Believe me, one of my most painful moments was walking into church one day and there was my DIL with her mother passing the baby around and I was not even aware that they were here. It made me think that there was something wrong with us that we should not be allowed to hold our granddaughter and it was okay for perfect strangers to hold her! I would only and have kept my children away from family that I felt would harm them in some way, which is what makes it so tough for me that we are being kept from our granddaughter.

My son has told me that my DIL is here visiting HER parents and not me and that I should not expect to see them. He is the one that works and has limited vacation time while my DIL has unlimited time to visit with her family. He tells me that when he comes to visit, then it will be my "turn" to see my grandchild. I try to be as reasonable as I can and not allow him to see the pain that this causes. I would never and have never expected them to keep the grandbaby from the other family, or even them which is another story. How selfish is that? I was raised in a very large family and sharing babies was common in my family. I don't want to see my grandchildren raised in such a way that they think they are only allowed a certain amount of love to spread around and the more people that they love, the more they have to divide what they are given thus having less to give. That is what I am witnessing first-hand with my DIL's family. My belief is that the more you love, the larger your heart gets.

The great thing that I have found about these posts is the fact that I know I am not alone and that this is a common problem and this helps me cope. However, at the same time it saddens me that people have to go through this at all.

vlee
Apr 27, 2007, 02:14 PM
I feel for you. This is a sad situation. I really hope you are able to talk to them, but remember, you can always go the legal route to be granted time with your grandchild. I know you don't want to cause more problems (which that surely would) but if you really want to see her and continue asking and being denied, you might have to resort to that.

SES21
Apr 30, 2007, 10:49 AM
I agree totally with Tuscany: We have a similar situation we treated our DIL like a princess and she is so fast to turn on us when she wants something. She is just a StepMom to our GrandChild and she seems to think her parents come before us when it comes to Our GrandChild's B'Day's, Christmas etc. Totally unaccepted to me & my husband and our youngest son who is the uncle to the Grand Child. Crossing the line if you ask me. The Child has a Mother. We are proud that she can have a "Best Friend" when it comes to our GrandChild but not a Mother.

Tuscany,

Sorry my post scares you, but it's obvious that you cannot possibly relate to situations like those of us who are a generation older than you have to endure.

I am sorry your mother-in-law takes it out on you when she can't come over.

Believe me, I know all about extended families, tension, the need to give-and-take, and all that jazz. I do not expect the Normal Rockwell family, but I do dang well expect more than we get sometimes.

Your comment also assumes that our DIL doesn't resent us already. Well, she does, in detail I will not elaborate on here. What I know that you do not know is that my grandchild will be told that we don't care, don't want to see her. That will not go unchallenged. I will not have her believe a lie about her paternal grandparents who simply want the paranoid DIL to lighten up and not require supervised visits when there is absolutely no reason for it. No, there's no mental illness... just manipulation on her part.

And yes, I am well aware that our children have the right to do what they want with their own children. I had some of my own, obviously, and I know where they are coming from. But, like I said in my last post, someday they will probably be grandparents and I only hope they have children-in-law exactly like we have!

judyg4040
Apr 30, 2007, 01:12 PM
I have thought about the legal route, but I am not going to do that. It would be too hard on everyone involved. However, I have decided that I just need to change my expectations. I expected to be able to be a grandma to my grandchildren. I expected to have close relationships with them, my sons and their wives. I expected to have the same closeness with them that I have with others in my family. Now, I am in the process of changing my expectations. That way, if I get those things that I hoped for, it will be an added blessing! If not, hopefully it will not hurt so much.

KATIEANN57
May 10, 2007, 02:42 PM
I hope your daughter in law never has a son... we've had to stay very proactive for every moment we get, and the minute we let up, we're just out of the picture. Its very disheartening, and its just the way it is. It also has to do with the nature of the daughter in law. One of ours is very spoiled, and as long as she can just think about herself, she's fine. So if we back off, and don't try to see the grandchild, she's not going to worry about it. The other daughter in law has shown a lot more maturity in that area, so we really try not to abuse it and really appreciate her concern. Why is it that the parents of the girl always seem to act like they 'own' the grandchild. I've seen it time and time again. Pretty much anyone you talk to that has a married son is in the same boat. We just pray a lot, and try not to think about it too much

judyg4040
May 10, 2007, 07:34 PM
Katie Ann,
I love the way you think! I have often wanted to go to my DIL's mother and say, "I hope you get a DIL just like mine" and smile sweetly. However, I can't do that. I have two other sons and hopefully they will have wives that love us and want to include us. I will think about what you said if that time ever comes and try not to take advantage of the situation. In the meantime, I will continue to insist in the nicest way possible that I see my granddaughter. When I first posted, she was coming to visit for 11 days. Those 11 days are over now and we got to see our granddaughter twice for about 45 minutes each time. Both times I had to 'nicely' insist that she meet us for lunch so we could see the baby. It was very sweet to be able to hold her and see her sweet smile. When I get resentful about only seeing her twice, I have to remind myself that is 200% better than the previous time she visited when we did not see her at all! When I talk with other young mothers, I always remind them to include the father's parents in the grandparenting if that is what the grandparents want. I allow them to see a bit of my hurt so that they can take that into consideration if they are considering acting in the same thoughtless way my DIL acts.

froggy7
May 10, 2007, 09:28 PM
I do have to wonder about some of these posts. My position may be unusual, but it seems that some of you are asking a lot of your daughter-in-laws. I don't come from a very close family... my dad's side of the family lived out-of-state, so we saw them once or twice a year. My mom's side lived in town, but as my mom put it, "her mother didn't really like children". We'd see her every few months, but when we did us kids would go play outside while mom and grandma talked. When we got older, she'd go on outings with us, an afternoon at the zoo, meeting for lunch, etc. Most of the time that the family all got together was on the major holidays for 4-5 hours. I have to say, I'd go insane if my (hypothetical) MIL wanted to be as involved in my (hypothetical) child's life as some of the people who have posted on this topic. Especially the ones who want to sue for visitation! It may noy be anything about you... your DIL may just have different expectations about what is "normal" than you do.

adell
May 17, 2007, 09:02 AM
I do have to wonder about some of these posts. My position may be unusual, but it seems that some of you are asking a lot of your daughter-in-laws. I don't come from a very close family... my dad's side of the family lived out-of-state, so we saw them once or twice a year. My mom's side lived in town, but as my mom put it, "her mother didn't really like children". We'd see her every few months, but when we did us kids would go play outside while mom and grandma talked. When we got older, she'd go on outings with us, an afternoon at the zoo, meeting for lunch, etc. Most of the time that the family all got together was on the major holidays for 4-5 hours. I have to say, I'd go insane if my (hypothetical) MIL wanted to be as involved in my (hypothetical) child's life as some of the people who have posted on this topic. Especially the ones who want to sue for visitation! It may noy be anything about you... your DIL may just have different expectations about what is "normal" than you do.

Froggy7 I 100% agree! I'm dealing with a MIL that thinks that she's allowed to do whatever she wants whenever she wants because they are "her grandbabies." She somehow believes that it's all about her and that we need to cater to that. I have news, it is not all about her. I see the main issue as she not having hobbies and interests of her own and putting way too much pressure on us to use her grandchildren to fufull her emptiness. A word to the GPs-This is a two income world, things are not as they used to be and the more pressure they feel and stress you add to their lives (and I know in our situation it is this way) the more they will in turn avoid you. The best thing you can do is not show your hurt feelings, bolster them and tell them what a great job they do and make them feel good about their abilities and BACK OFF! I know anyone who is pushy with me I pull away... people who are laid back I ask them for their help and feel comfortable with them hearing me and my wishes as a parent. They are telling you something when they don't offer up time... the more you push the more they will feel as though you don't hear them and don't respect their wishes as parents. It may take some time but backing off will cause them to pursue you and offer time. But you need to wait it out in the wings without a timeline.

inMotion
May 26, 2007, 07:57 PM
Don't worry about what they do with her family or others. Just worry about yourself. Ask your daughter-in-law politely. I really miss "insert name", could I arrange to spend more time with her? I'd like to help you (daughter-in-law), perhaps when you get your hair cut or have a dr.'s appt or when you and "son" go on a date. Just hold tight and be available and always offer. As the child gets older, she'll request to spend more time with you.

My mother-in-law rarely asks to spend time with my son. But now that he's 4, he says, I don't want to stay with my other grandmother... I want to see grandma (my mother-in-law). So, in due time, your granddaughter will likely request the visits and you'll get more time.

What grandparents don't realize is that with working parents, we too, feel like we don't get enough time with our child. So, keep that in mind, too.


Just set your intentions for positive time with your granddaughter and intend for it to happen. Try to remain open minded and put yourself in the mom's shoes sometimes, too.

Good luck! Your granddaughter is lucky to have you!

harry33
Jul 26, 2007, 09:03 AM
There may be no answer it seems - I have almost the identical problem - and my husband and myself have agonized how to "fix" the situation. We tried to talk to our son but he said there was no problem - we just were looking too hard. We are tollerated by his wife -she will not visit nor bring our 2 precious granddaughters to visit. It's only when she's working on weekends that my son can allow us time to see the girls. We've done all we know how to do but there is nothing that seems to make a difference. She has a mother and father and she doesn't see the need for us - which is 98% of the time. I offer to babysit - she doesn't need it - her mother and family always; we offer to take them out - there's always something else she has planned. I've been so hurt that it's gotten on my last nerve - to the point I've spoken with my MD about prescriptive medication to numb the pain. And that's sad - I don't need meds - I just need to feel the family that I once enjoyed throughout my life. We were a close family and until this marriage 9 years ago things were normal. This is not normal.

proudmommyoftwingirls
Jul 26, 2007, 06:41 PM
I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several ocassions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has alot of family in this area. Alot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP
I am a mom to 2 year old girls and I feel sometimes as though my mother in law gets upset because I want leave my girls with her I have only left my girls in emergencys with my mom because they see her more I don't mind the girls spending time with her as long as I can be there my girls were born very premature and I am a very picky mom so good luck maybe you should try telling her how you feel

Maranatha
Sep 3, 2007, 11:09 AM
I’m responding to those of you who are grandparents but are not given the opportunity to spend quality time with their grandchildren. Two years ago my granddaughter was born into our wonderful family. She is such a blessing to us! My son and daughter-in-law are terrific parents! I struggle greatly with the fact that in the past two years I have not been given the opportunity to have quality time with my granddaughter, though I have offered to baby-sit if they needed to run to the store, get things done or go out for an evening. I know and understand the close relationship between mothers and daughters and know that it is normal for my daughter-in-law to want her mother to be primary in having my granddaughter, but I am so hurt that not even once have they given me time with her. We (my two sons and their wives and my granddaughter) have family night here at my home. After dinner my granddaughter and I have fun together for a few hours but an hour or two goes very quickly and I feel like my daughter-in-law is observing everything I do. After much prayer for God’s direction, I asked my son and daughter-in-law if we could talk. My son allowed his wife to present her thoughts which were those of insecurity for anyone else watching my granddaughter except her mother. I am 59 and her parents are late 40’s. I am not a competitive person and do not want to be a wedge between my son and his wife. Does this mean acceptance is the only answer? I cannot tell you how painful this is to have never bonded with this wonderful baby. I feel grandparents are an essential part of the family unit. I long to talk with her and walk in the flower gardens, looking at butterflies, birds and making blanket tents and dressing up our kitties in doll clothes. Kids do not need a lot of “things” to make them well rounded but unconditional love and attention is the glue that holds families together. I see many young families trying so hard to entertain their little ones 24/7 and they are worn out and weary. There isn’t enough time to stop and smell the roses and that is where grandparents can step in. Thanks for listening all of you grandparents that feel my pain.

rejectedmotherinlaw
Sep 7, 2007, 04:43 PM
I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several ocassions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has alot of family in this area. Alot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP
You posted in December 2006. Are you still out there?

Nanagramma
Oct 17, 2007, 10:11 AM
you posted in december 2006. are you still out there?
Hi.. I just read this whole string of postings.. I am also in a similar situation.. But the difference is that my DIL does Not have a great relationship with her mother and family.. In fact her greatest desire is to have a good relationship with her mom!

So, as a result she feels disloyal to them if she has a nice relationship with me... It's all very mixed up. I live 20 minutes away from them but basically have been told to stay away and not call unless they call me. So, I see my grandson about once every few weeks for an hour or 2 ( generally at other family functions).

My son is stuck in the middle which I hate.. I don't want him to know how bad I feel but it affects everything I do. I can't sleep and think about the unfairness of it all the time. When they were first dating, she called me all the time and used me as a confidante.. but now - nothing. I am so disappointed! This isn't what I expected. I have other grandchildren living in another state so rarely get to see them (but am not treated to badly).

I know that having a discussion with my son and DIL is useless..

Nanawannabe
Nov 16, 2007, 11:42 PM
This is n old thread, however one of absolute prevalence. My mother used to say a daughter is a daughter all of her life, while a son is a son until he takes a wife.
I would like to have a good relationship with my daughter in law, yet am held at bay on every score. I feel like I must "walk on eggs" around her. I had a wonderful relationahip with my mother and grandmother and hoped to have the same. I have been married twice, once when I was much younger for 7 years and most recently 27 years. I still feel kindly towards my first mother in law. My daughter in law is on a mission to exclude us our first grandchild is due shortly and we hare beyond excited naturally. I offered to buy them all their furniture and we went out to dinner one night to pick it out. I asked her mother to accompany us, to set a precedence for how exciting this is for us all. Her mother declined. Nathless the furniture was chosen and brought home. While we were there she mentioned a particular theme she was considering for the baby's room. She had mentioned a particular theme she was looking for and I told her I had seen the very one online, but it was also available at Burlington coat factory. We looked while we were there but didn't see it. The next few days were busy, but I emailed her and told her I found the bedding at a different store, cheaper and with free shipping. She was excited and cancelled the one she ordered and saved 50.00 with the find. It was supposed to be delivered on Wednesday. Wednesday came and went, no mention of the bedding. I emaled her and asked if it had come in, and she said it had but she forgot to tell me. I said that I was thrilled and was it Nathless she had hopped in person? She said it was, and I said I couldn't wait to see it. She informed me I couldn't see it. I thought she was kidding. She wasn't. The next few days, I ran into my son and he asked me how I liked the baby bedding. I hesitated, but told him I hadn't seen it. He said well, come over and see it. I hated to tell him, but mentioned she didn't want me to see it. He said that was crazy, as she had shown it to her mother. We were set to go out to eat and the three of us were in the car and he casually mentioned "Did you show my mom the baby blankets? She said no, I'm planning to wait until the room is set up. My son said, your mother saw the stuff, and she said well I really want to wait. I smoothed it over by saying to him, she just wants to give me the full effect. In my heart, I know she is just being childish and controlling. Was it such a big deal to show me the blanket? When she found out she was pregnant, her mother screamed and gave her a lecture. Now they are young, but married. I went by and bought them a beautiful "Congratulation card" and brought her some of her favorite body lotion. I told her to pamper herself. I always try to do little things for her, so I just don't understand why she feels the need to put up such walls. They live 5 minutes from me, and I go by maybe 1-2 month when we have plans. It's not like I'm knocking on the door every day. I don't understand the insecurity. I'm not on earth to take over, I just want to co exist in their lives.
I hope your situation is better, because I can see mine is going to be trying. I probably won't be able to see the baby at all.

whoknowswhattodo
Nov 19, 2007, 08:09 AM
I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several ocassions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has alot of family in this area. Alot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP
Hey... why not ask for a specific time each week to be with her? Or every other week? They might love a built in evening free... make it really positive. Put your own hurt aside for the overall good and perhaps someday in the future they'll like spending more and more time at your home. Just be as hospitable as you can and don't expect anything in return. God bless!

Nanagramma
Nov 19, 2007, 04:44 PM
MY situation is still the same.. I am asked to babysit about once every other week.. And I do see them at other family functions.. I try hard not to be intrusive and stay away from the darling baby as much as I can bear it on those occasions. I don't want to burden my son.. he knows it all but can't change his wife.. (he is fighting to stay in the marriage so he doesn't lose the baby).. It's really hurtful to be kept out of enjoying the baby but maybe in time things will change.. Maybe as she matures, she will become a kinder person?

Nanawannabe
Nov 19, 2007, 07:42 PM
That would be something to look forward to if as she matures, she would be a kinder person. The MIL get a bad rap... seldom do you hear about a manipulative DIL. Mine is very insecure, and manipulative. The last thing I want is to put my son in the middle.
I hope mine gets kinder as she matures... One can hope

darling dear
Nov 25, 2007, 02:56 PM
I feel your pain. We have the same problems you described with additional concerns. My son and daughter-in-law had dated only months when she got pregnant-her second-at 18. We had the initial shocks; etc. but paid a great part of the wedding and welcomed her into her home. They lived here a short time before going to college. She did nothing even when asked to. We help with bills and rent, but are not overly generous. The baby is now 4 months and my daughter-in-law is just beginning a part time job. She shows us no respect yet expects apologies from us for no reason or any reason. She also uses the baby to get what she wants. She lies continuously. My son works and goes to school. He is caught in the middle and is not sure of anything any more. I have even been told by her that I am "f....ing rude" when I disagree with something. Her mother actually calls me and tells me who I can and cannot invite to functions at my home... I've tried discussing issues, but that is a joke. She doesn't want to be brought into "my stuff". Hope this makes you feel better!

Nanawannabe
Nov 25, 2007, 03:17 PM
Both our problems are that our daughter's in laws are very young. They think they know if all... Too bad. My DIL controls everything, and I know when the baby comes my life is going to be hell. Of course I am excited about the baby, as well I should for my first grandchild. I have gone out of my way to include her and make her feel a welcome part of the family. She just wants to exclude me on every score. I bought all the baby furniture, yet can't see it set up. What a joke. I would think she would want to share in the excitement. Casual friends at her work get treated better. She mentioned in passing she had invited someone at work to be the baby's Godmother. Unbelieveable. The woman delined saying it was a conflict of interest since she was her boss.

Mommy2gio
Nov 28, 2007, 11:09 AM
My mom is very sensative about her time with my 3 kids. Especially now with my 6week old daughter(first grandaughter). Everybody asks to take my oldest son everywhere. He is 6 turning 7 but going on 37. Anyway she would plan special things and I wouldn't realize it and makes plans for him to go with my brother. She was very hurt even though I wasn't doing it on purpose.

So what I decided to do was give her a day. One day a week that was hers. If she was going to make plans to make it on that day and I would not schedule any one else on that day. My boys stay the night and she will take them to school the next day. She gets her time and I don't have to get up early to take them to school.

Now you don't have to ask for a whole day if you think your daughter in law won't be willing but maybe just bring it up lightly to them both. Ask if there is a day of the week that they need a babysitter so they can run errands or go out to dinner together. So that it seems like a favor to them. That way they will think " hey we could have a date night once a week". You won't seem needy, you will seem helpful. You can look forward to that day once a week and if you don't get to see her as much on holidays it won't be that big of a deal because you will have seen her more often. Let me know if this helps.

There's nothing wrong with wanting more time with your grandchild. You just have to go about it in the right way :) I really do want to know if this helps you

ismxp6
Dec 20, 2007, 12:00 AM
You are right you do need to learn how to deal with it. As a mother of 3 young children it would stress me out if my mother in law were over sensitive and trying to "schedule" times with them. It is not natural and it does not flow. Your daughter in law will naturally go to her mother- where she has great comfort. It is not a reflection on you at all. You are taking that part personally.

With you trying to force yourself into their family time/life they will pull away even more. When you do see your grandchild just be the best grandmother you can be and enjoy seeing them. Let the atmosphere be comfortable and enjoyable. It is not a battle between her parents and you. You need to lower your expectations so that you will not feel so overwhelmed and they will not feel the pressure.

Just enjoy them and her when they do come over. (At least they do see you.) If you relax they might relax.
:( :( :(
I think your idea is all wrong... this family with the grand child need to have empathy towards both grand parents. They all diserve to visit with the grand child. What the hell is family about? In the USA, family is something that is just not there for the kids. I should know I was an educator and I saw it first hand. It is rare to see a full structured family.
Something that is needed as a good foundation for our country... but not the case.
The children need to know their heritage... it gives a sense of being. Get a Clue!

julesnrmc
Dec 25, 2007, 08:04 PM
I can sympathize with you. I have two beautiful grandchildren. My son became a widow last year at the age of 28. He now has a girlfriend who he has become very involved with him as well as the children.
In my case this young women , who is very good with my son and grandchildren spends less and less time with our family and more and more time with hers. I don't complain for fear that I will not see my grandchildren at all.I watch my grandchildren getting closer with her family.When the come to my home it's for a few hours but when it's her family its for hours and hours ( Very Late )
But , unless my son is willing to speak up and say something I don't see any changes happening. It breaks my heart to see our family drifting apart but honestly unless my son sets some ground rules I have no choice but to take what I can get..
Maybe daughters are different.
Good luck !

sally johnson
Apr 20, 2008, 11:51 PM
I've got a situation much worse I feel actually. For two years as doting grandparents we had loads of access to our grandson. His mum was really pleased to accept the help that we offered which included financial and supportive in fact whatever was best not just for our grandson but for her too. Her mum is dead and I feel I tried to become a sort of mom to her. Everything was great until 'the new man' came on the scene. Then, without notice, our phone calls were not answered. She changed her number, moved house and eventually moved our grandsons from his nursery. We have had no contact for 12mths and have approached a solicitor (who needs 230 plus vat an hour to help). Our solicitor advised a private detective to first find our grandson/his mom. He came up with nothing. We then went down a different route and have now been informed that 'no financial contracts' have been undertaken in the uk this year! What does that mean - probably that she has left the country with our grandson? She was on benefits and had never worked so I doubt if she is keeping herself, and at any rate, wouldn't that include family allowance which she would be entitled to still. We are at a loss as to what else we can do. So I suppose what I am saying is that even if its not as much contact as you would like, there is something to be said for putting up with the scraps - we would love to be able to do that just now.

Nanawannabe
Apr 29, 2008, 06:01 AM
Not to pirate the discussion but as an update on my daughter in law problem. It is far from over, yet took a new twist. They were planning the wedding (date confirmed) when she found out she was pregnant. We took it in stride and she opted to keep the same date even though she would be considerably pregnant at the time of marriage. About a month after they were married a close friend of hers came to my son and said she was riddled with guild she hadn't told him that the baby probably wasn't his as the new wife had been having an affair at work. My son was devastated but confronted her, she assured him it was his baby, but admitted to the affair. He requested she take a DNA test, which she agreed to. I believe she thought he would let it "drop", but he didn't. Well you guessed it... the DNA was performed at the birth and 48 hrs later we learned he was not the father. She moved out, taking all the furniture I purchased and even now is trying to manipulate back into his life. They have been separated 3 months and she wants to get back together. She even offered to give up the baby for adoption to her mother to make it easier.
What a mess. For the first time in my life, I did speak up to my son. I usually tell him what ever his choice, I will abide by it but this time I spoke my mind. I can only hope he learns from this horrific happening that this marriage is not meant to be. Our family has been turned upside down.
I hope things are easier for the rest of the posters and things are settling in.

sally johnson
Apr 29, 2008, 09:46 AM
Well - what a mess indeed. But surely your son wouldn't want her after all that. I'm not saying that it should be a problem for him bringing up another mans baby - I really think that to be a dad you have to be there throughout - not just at conception, but for her to offer to give you her baby - what else could this woman do? Anyway - nothing much here has changed. I've heard back from another private detective - still negative on an address I'm afraid and also tried to contact her sister - who refuses to take our calls. I've just done a letter addressed to her via her brother, but now I find out that he has moved address - I'm not giving up either!!

MIL Grandma
May 17, 2008, 11:42 AM
I am so glad to find a place where there's discussion of a daughter in law problem instead of the many MIL from Hell places. Being a Mother in Law is the worst role a mother of a son could have to perform in life. My heart goes out to all who have expressed their pain and anger sometimes at the treatment they receive from daughters in law. I believe it is fairly common for women to be close to their mothers and for men to simply give up making any family plans when they marry. As the mother of two sons I have found that my sons go along with whatever arrangements their wives make. Period. I have taken things personally, felt hurt and anger and want to just find a way to let go of these negative feelings. It is not easy to let go and although I have seen kind answers here, I still don't know how to let go of the hurt. I have started seeing a therapist, for the first time in my life, and I am hoping to learn hope to just let go of the feelings and move on with life. If anyway knows a better way, please let me know. I don't think there is a way to change the situation. The only possibility is to change your feelings or let go of the hurt.
I suspect there are a lot of selfish DILs out there and a lot of ambivalent sons who want to keep the DILs happy.

notthemama
Jun 4, 2008, 08:55 AM
You are not alone. :confused: When my two sons were born I knew then the above would happen. Now that it has it still deeply hurts. My sons mother in law is devious and does everything she can to to make me look bad and push me out of my sons life. We have given them so much more and the only thing I can think is that she is jealous. We only get to see them about three times a year you would think when we visit she would lay off but she doesn't. She is like the little devil on my daughter in laws shoulder. My daughter in law is having a baby and I want to be there when it is born and her mother in law is telling people she doesn't understand why I think I need to be there. Yet she will be. She doesn't have a clue how selfish that sounds. Wish daughter in laws could treat their mother in laws how they would want their future daughter in laws to treat them!

Sad mother
Aug 19, 2008, 09:03 AM
I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several ocassions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has alot of family in this area. Alot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP


That's sad... "awww!" It reminds me of the girl my 28 yr. old just married 9 days ago, they've been together 5 yrs. no grandchildren from him yet. But, I am a grandmother for the first time 7 days ago my other son. And I live in FL and they are all in MA. Sandy the one who just married my son, is horrible to me, while the other one is the sweetest little thing. And I treated them no different. No matter how nice I am, I'm fighting a losing battle. I talk to her when I'm there, she walks away. If I talk to my son, she literally steps in front of us, and starts talking to him and he never answers me, answers her instead. She does the same thing to his friends. She talks about everybody, her family, mine, her friends, his.. makes up lies, and I mean HORRIBLE lies about people and when caught, starts laughing. My son won't call me, send me a thank you note nothing, when I send him things, won't even acknowledge me what so ever. My other son and his girl can't stand her.
Her whole family are snobs, think they're better than everyone else. The all make up terrible lies about people, and sit around and watch the drama unfold. She stole my son away from me too, just like yours was stolen from you. It was if my son was kidnapped and brought to another family and I was forgotten. I only have 1 son now... how sad. I feel like I am in mourning.:(

MIL Grandma
Aug 19, 2008, 12:29 PM
Sad Mother Everyone who has posted here is a sad mom and none of us seems to have an answer about how to let go of the hurt and loss we feel. It would probably be better to get an answer from Dear Abby or another professional. I'm going to therapy, but haven't gotten an answer.
I know it is small comfort, but you are not alone. You are part of a big crowd of mothers of sons. MIL grandma hopes you find peace and when you do, let me know how.

N0help4u
Aug 19, 2008, 06:35 PM
Well sandi_feet hasn't been back since posting this and by now her 19 month granddaughter
Is now almost 4 years old and hopefully things turned out better.

Sad Granny
Sep 18, 2008, 03:00 AM
Sad Mother Everyone who has posted here is a sad mom and none of us seems to have an answer about how to let go of the hurt and loss we feel. It would probably be better to get an answer from Dear Abby or another professional. I'm going to therapy, but haven't gotten an answer.
I know it is small comfort, but you are not alone. You are part of a big crowd of mothers of sons. MIL grandma hopes you find peace and when you do, let me know how.
I was touched to read your post.I thought I was alone in this awful situation.Perhaps one day when these selfish DIL's are in the same situation they will look back with compassion but by then it may be too late.Mothers love their sons just as much as daughters are loved by their mothers but they are expected to give up the relationship they have when their sons marry.Sadly for us there is often only one set of grandparents allowed and it's usually the DIL's parents.I wish you well and hope things improve for all of us in the future.

kaethe1867
Sep 27, 2008, 05:30 PM
I was touched to read your post.I thought I was alone in this awful situation.Perhaps one day when these selfish DIL's are in the same situation they will look back with compassion but by then it may be too late.Mothers love their sons just as much as daughters are loved by their mothers but they are expected to give up the relationship they have when their sons marry.Sadly for us there is often only one set of grandparents allowed and it's usually the DIL's parents.I wish you well and hope things improve for all of us in the future.

It is such a relief to find this posting. I have been looking for help with my own selfish DIL--all I can find are examples of how evil Mothers-in-law are. I even heard Dr. Laura say on the radio that if there is a conflict it is ALWAYS the mother-in-law's fault because she has more "power" than the daughter-in-law. Really? I have been so hurt by the behavior of my DIL. I have had two mothers-in-law and loved them both, so expected to have a wonderful relationship when my son married. It is painful to know that my grandson spends so much more time with his other grandparents and their extended family. My DIL boycotts activities with my family. If I mention an upcoming festival, you can guarantee that they will "have to see," and then the other Grandma will end up taking him.

Mom of 3
Dec 28, 2008, 09:24 AM
I am a mother of 3 kids under 5. I think you should approach you daughter-in-law offering assistance with your granddaughter. My mother & MIL are not very involved with my children. I know how appreciative I would be if I could get my hair cut during the day without my children or go to the doctor alone. Maybe you could suggest watching your granddaughter for some of those types of events where your DIL would be appreciative to have the time alone, and you would get some quality time with the baby too.

doodle1157
Jan 4, 2009, 02:39 AM
Oh! I am having the same problem with my DIL and I can't believe other people have these problems too! I understand what you are going through Sandi and Kaethel. My whole family is also feeling it. This holiday in fact, I had a problem. Every Christmas the kids come with the grandchildren and it's great. My son has a daughter that's 4 years old and she starves for my attention when she is over and its very obvious. My DIL has a schedule to keep with all of her relatives and a couple of hours to spend with us. I was going over to visit with my granddaughter and spend time with her to see what she got for Christmas. Well my sons calls me on Sunday night and they are leaving one of her relatives houses sometime soon and this is at around 2pm and says come over tonight and visit. I say OK let me know when your done with your visit. I call a couple hours later to check and they aren't done visiting. At 6pm my son calls me back saying "don't tell me its too late for you to come over now". Well it was too late for me to go over because I had to work the next day and what kind of visit it that. So I said to him, how about I come over on Friday and vist since I will be off work and you will be home too. I waited all day to hear when I could come over. I called three times and left two messages. No answer until 4pm. I wasted my whole day agonizing over why I am not good enough to see my granddaughter. My son doesn't get in the middle and I can't blame him for that but I guess I am sensitive and I would love to have quality time with my granddaughter, not the leftover time or when it's convenient for my DIL.

Sad Granny
Jan 4, 2009, 08:47 AM
This problem is so common that I feel there must be some psychological explanation for it. If anyone has any insight into this it would be useful for us to understand what is going on. Continuing to love our sons and grandchildren seems to cause resentment in these selfish women.
I cannot understand why the mothers of these women do not have the decency to point out to their daughters just how cruel and selfish they are being and perhaps offer to forego some of the visits from their daughters in order to give their son in law's mother a chance to see her family. However perhaps that is why these women are so selfish because they are spoilt and have not been brought up to consider anyone but themselves.

doodle1157
Jan 4, 2009, 10:22 AM
Yes this is very sad and I really didn't stop to think it was a common problem. What is really sad is my DIL could have really gotten a bad apple of a mother in law. I stay out of their business and don't ask questions and I'm patient. I actually try to do the right thing all the time. I love my kids and grand kids. They are my life. I have two children and they are both married. My daughter has two girls, one is 3 years and the other is 5 months. I don't feel that my son in law is like a son in law at all. We can play and act silly together and he knows I wouldn't but in on anything. He is normal! I just don't get why my DIL makes it so hard when it can be easier and better for her in the long run. I don't want to be the bad person so I wait.

Sad Granny
Jan 4, 2009, 10:50 AM
It's interesting to hear that you also have a daughter so can see the situation from both sides.You are so lucky to at least have a normal relationship with your son in law and daughter and their children. Perhaps one day your daughter in law will realise what her children are missing. I am sure that from your own experience you will ensure that your son in law's mother if applicable does not miss out as you have done.

doodle1157
Jan 5, 2009, 05:47 AM
Oh yes my son in laws parents see the kids a lot and we take turns. But it is really funny because it seems to work out that way without any static. They are very happy with seeing the grand kids when they want. It is a very relaxed situation and my daughter believes that all the grandparents should spend time with the kids. I firmly believe that grandparents play a large role in how grandchildren grow up. My DIL's family seem to go a lot on trips to the beach every weekend during the summer months and amusement parks also. My granddaughter takes dance, t-ball and now my son is going to coach basketball and she is going to learn how to play. I am happy that they spend time with activity with her. I think it is wonderful and I go to the activities. Sometimes I am tired but I go anyway because I feel that my grand daughter would miss me. My son it a very outgoing person and friendly. He is a very sensitive and caring person.

What is going on with you sad granny. The grand kids call me nana.

Sad Granny
Jan 5, 2009, 07:37 AM
It sounds as if you are making the best of the situation and are so lucky with your daughters family.
My son and grandson who is 4 years old live abroad in his wife's home country. My son works away mid week so the week-ends are precious times for him and it is too far to go for a week-end. We have only visited once for a few days when he was not working but it did not work out with DL. She told me a number of times that her mother who lives across the road sees our grandson every day. When they lived near us we saw him once a month for about an hour. We have hardly seen him since he was born and don't know when or indeed if we will see him again.It is far more difficult for mothers of sons when the sons are working and the DL's are so inconsiderate.

doodle1157
Jan 9, 2009, 06:14 AM
Oh my, I know your son misses you very much and wishes things were different. My situation doesn't even come close to yours. I was in the Navy and had both of my children while I will in the Navy. It has to be very hard for you not seeing the both of them. When I had my children my mom wasn't with me and it was hard for her not to be there. I was stationed in Hawaii so it was hard because of money. She didn't have money and we really didn't have the money either. I can't imagine how my mom feel. When your young you don't think as deeply about situations as you do when you get older. Life becomes more important. I hope that you get to see them both soon and your daughter in law becomes my sensitive to the situation. I will say a prayer for you and sorry that it took me so long to get back on the site and read your message. I will check back later.

Sad Granny
Jan 10, 2009, 04:18 AM
Thank you so much for those kind words. It helps to know that there are others out there who understand our feelings. There is a saying 'What goes around comes around' and perhaps one day in a similar situation some of these DL's will look back with regret but in the meantime precious time which could be so happy is so sad.

dontknownuthin
Jan 12, 2009, 10:22 AM
You are an actual person, not defined only in terms of your relationship to your son and the child. When you are disrespected and inconvenienced, repeatedly cancelled on and treated like you are on the "b" list, of course you are in the right to express your frustrattion about it.

I think the wheels come off the bus when you drag her relationship with her family into your issues with her though. The reason she cancels on you or gives you the short end of the stick are irrelevant. What is relevant is that she makes plans with you and does not consider how rude and inconsiderate it is to you to cancel those plans, nor the fact that your feelings are not considered when she does so.

I would have a talk with both the son and daughter in law and simply let them know, "I love having (child) as you know, and I know you have busy lives. I understand you sometimes will have to adjust plans at the last minute for emergencies, and of course I want to do what I can to make things easier for you. However, you are in the habit of cancelling on me because you feel a better offer has come up, and that is not considerate of me and is not socially acceptable. I need to let you know that I am a person as well as your mother/mother-in-law, and I do have feelings. You are so important to me, when you are discourteous to me or ignore my feelings, or call me "over-sensitive" for being offended by behavior that is flat - out offensive in just about any circumstance, you do so with a lot of emotional power over me. I just wanted to let you know that it does hurt me, and I hope that you will consider the plans you arrange with me to be just as important as the plans you make with others - whether a dental appointment or lunch with your best friend or whatever else".

Of course, in your own words but that's the essence of the thing.

fair_DIL7
Jan 16, 2009, 11:18 AM
The last poster has some good points.

Since it seems to be so COMMON perhaps it's not so much the DIL's as much as it is about the whole structure/relationship of MIL/DIL's.

I have MIL from hell. One of those sweet to your face but manipulative-overbearing type MIL's. I have absolutely NO problem with my child seeing her; however, she has proven to me time after time that she can not be trusted alone with my daughter. Now she doesn't understand why I won't let her stay the night or have visits unsupervised. Visits use to be once a week but from a DIL's point of a view... her grandmother didn't know how to get on the floor and PLAY with my child... she expects her to be an adult and sit there & 'chat'... how fun is that for a toddler? So when I make arrangements for my daughter to PLAY with other children the MIL shouldn't be upset.

When you make snide comments (If you make snide comments) that is a complete turn off. I can take critism but not about my parenting UNLESS I was doing something to put my child's health at risk. MIL's tend have this aura that they should be the dominant one, that they should be shown this respect but HELLO the DIL is just as much of a woman as you. Now this isn't to say that all mother's are mature... there's too many that should have been given a test before allowed to have children.

I ALWAYS invite my MIL over to come over and visit but I couldn't tell you the last time she has taken 5-10 minutes to drive over. Yet then she complains that she doesn't see her grandbaby. Also it's not her baby. It is natural for a daughter to WANT to spend more time with her family vs you. Don't take it personal. Call your son and let him know that you would really love to see the grandkids... if you really do then let them know that it doesn't matter if you have to SHARE the time...

There is so much that goes both ways...

grandma2
Apr 28, 2009, 06:56 PM
I have the same problem with my daughter-in-law and have to schedule visits which are few and far between. As sad as this is going to sound it all has to do with money that they asked us for and we did not have. I have bought my granddaughter clothes, toys and I bring my loving self when I can. I was a single parent for most of my children's life and always worked, spent time, loved them and did whatever I could them involved with. My son and daughter both had a big brother and big sister who treated them great! However, now that I do not have extra money to give them to put towards a house and the daughter-in-laws parents are always giving money, I am on the outs. I was told not to tell them about anything I buy or any vacations I may go on because it makes them feel bad. I guess I am not supposed to spend my hard earned money on myself sometimes. I do not own a house and if I had the money to give and/or lend I would but I don't. I am in my mid forties and do not have much money toward retirement yet. I still feel guilty that I do not give them money. After the way I have been treated and the way my parents (son's grandparent's) have been treated, I will only help if the baby needs food, clothes, diapers, shoes or anything else but I cannot under good consciounse give "them" money. My parent's could/would not give them any money (they asked for $10,000) so my daughter-in-law actually brought some gifts that the great grandparents had bought and dropped them off in their driveway! The driveway of my elderly parents and they have not seen their great grandchild but one time. My son is also to blame. I was so upset, disgusted and appalled by this that I cannot feel good about even considering giving them any money if I did have it. I have never in my life heard of such a hateful thing to do. So in short I have to bite my tongue and be a nice person in order to see my granddaughter. The sad part is that if there was not a grandchild involved I would not have any contact with them. You always love your children but you do not always have to like them. Sorry for the length of this post and believe it or not this is the short version. Anyway at this point I will do what I need to do to see my granddaughter except pay admission. Unfortunaltely someday my son and daughter-in-law will go over the line and I'll have to figure out what to do from there.

Sad Granny
May 2, 2009, 12:26 PM
The only consolation I can give you is that you are not alone in this. There are many spoilt, selfish daughter in laws and equally selfish mothers of daughters who have brought them up to consider no one but themselves and their own families. At least you have time on your side and perhaps they will eventually mature enough to learn to think about someone other than themselves. I am 65 and have rarely seen my grandson who is now 4 since he was born. I have not seen him for over a year. They now live abroad and the only time we have been to visit them we were not made welcome by our daughter in law. I hope the situation improves for yourself and also for your parents. Enjoy the time you have with your grand daughter and perhaps as she gets older she will help to bring your family together again.

moomoomia
May 2, 2009, 02:10 PM
I feel your hurt. We have 4 grandchildren and because of overbearing daughter-in-laws, we have never felt close to any of them. They are raising them with totally selfish values, and when we try to be a part of their lives (our grandchildren), our wimpy sons never speak up to tell their children to be nice to us. They are allowed to whine, whimper, and reject us totally in their presence, an except to some exceptions our daughter-in- laws, rule the roost. That is totally the problem with having sons is that the girls they marry are spoiled and selfish and think only of themselves, their feelings, their this, their that. I am ready to just say screw it and buy a new family ! :D

Meredith1978
May 4, 2009, 11:19 AM
As the "daughter-in-law" I have been blamed many times for cancelled plans I did not cancel.

Sometimes the lack of time isn't a reflection of the daughter but maybe some unresolved issues with your son. Ex. My ex-husband refused to speak to his dad and step-mom for 2 years, they had no contact with our kids. On numerous occasions I told him to fix his issues with his dad and step-mom. They thought it was me the whole time.

We were at a family reunion and they apologized to me and begged to see the kids. It had nothing to do with me. I told them I didn't know what they were apologizing for and told them they were welcomed to spend time with the kids.

I'm engaged now, and many times this still happens on a smaller scale. Looking back it was common when I was dating as well. Make sure your relationship with your son is in good shape.

moomoomia
May 6, 2009, 06:14 AM
Thank you for a view from the other side. We will hopefully be mending our bridges and leaving the past this coming weekend when we get together for mother's day. I will try to be more understanding of my daughter-in-law, and make sure I find out the real reasons for her issues with me.

Nanpeigi
Sep 4, 2009, 02:13 AM
The old saying when you have a daughter you have her for life but when you have a son you have him until he takes a wife and her mother...

Nanpeigi
Sep 4, 2009, 07:07 AM
The only consolation I can give you is that you are not alone in this. There are many spoilt, selfish daughter in laws and equally selfish mothers of daughters who have brought them up to consider no one but themselves and their own families. At least you have time on your side and perhaps they will eventually mature enough to learn to think about someone other than themselves. I am 65 and have rarely seen my grandson who is now 4 since he was born. I have not seen him for over a year. They now live abroad and the only time we have been to visit them we were not made welcome by our daughter in law. I hope the situation improves for yourself and also for your parents. Enjoy the time you have with your grand daughter and perhaps as she gets older she will help to bring your family together again.


I totally agree, it is how they have been brought up and it appears that my DiL and her mother are very cleaver in taking what they can when it is free of course. My DiL has never worked and has everything at her disposal but that is not enough she wants more and more. I have been very generous with her but she takes this and still wants more. I think I will have to withdraw in giving as they take it for granted now more. She walks off with owing me money and things that is useful for her used and then passes them on to her parents and sister.

What a mob they are, but of course you only realised when you have been in contact with them for any length of time. I do not know how my son puts up with her laziness and her mother constant saying 'well she had your children' and that should all be expected of her daughters. :mad:

lifeisgoodalmos
Sep 26, 2009, 09:42 AM
I was touched to read your post.I thought I was alone in this awful situation.Perhaps one day when these selfish DIL's are in the same situation they will look back with compassion but by then it may be too late.Mothers love their sons just as much as daughters are loved by their mothers but they are expected to give up the relationship they have when their sons marry.Sadly for us there is often only one set of grandparents allowed and it's usually the DIL's parents.I wish you well and hope things improve for all of us in the future.

It is a comfort in some small way to know it is not just me, but in another way, it is a sad commentary on the state of the world and the amount of selfishness! I had a horrible mother in law who I spent years trying to be kind and loving to even after my husband left. I took my sons to see their grandparents on BOTH sides, equally - even taking my sons to my mother/father in laws house leaving them for several hours (because I was not invited in) and then returning for my sons. I felt it was the right thing to do because my boys had a right to know both sets of grandparents - and it was the right thing for my sons! So here I sit now on a Saturday with a broken heart because My third grandson was born two weeks ago and each time I call to go and see him, I am told "that time is great" and just before I get ready to leave to go - I am called and told not to come, "it's not a good time right now" - what do I do? What can I do? I guess in some ways she is doing me a favor because it would be just another grandson that I constantly miss! I love my daughter in law - she is an amazing wife to my son and a great mom - I don't get it!

BrknHrtdme
Oct 1, 2009, 12:57 PM
My thought and prayers go out to all of you. I will pray for the selfish/uncaring DIL's out there, as well. I am a 45 yr old Mimi of three grandchildren, two girls and one boy. My situation is that each of them have different mom's! Yes, three girls who would be DIL's have they married my oldest son. The first girl, my son got together with after her 18 yr old boyfriend committed suicide. She was 15 1/2, then. I thought she was 17, or so she looked way older. Her mother allowed guys to spend the night and she'd supplied condoms to all the neighborhood boys because she worked at planned parenthood. Anyway, on New Years Eve, this girl had the nerve to ask me what I would do if she had a baby~ all her friends were having them and she'd love to have one. WHAT! My son had told me to let her know how hard it was on me to balance school and him when I was 18, and that he wasn't ready to be a dad yet. She got pregnant in February the following year. I helped raise my granddaughter for 4 years, and the girls lies to everyone acting as if she was a great mother always around. She was a kid, still being a rebellious teenager. My son even bought her a ring and asked her to marry him. That didn't last long because she started seeing other guys. Now, she is finally married, but since then has moved 5 hours away and doesn't allow my son to have visitation and tells me what to say and do about how to be a grandma. The new husband is called "daddy" and HIS parents are "the grandparents" now. It is so sad to not be able to see her because it is hard to travel around our work schedules and IF she ever comes to town, my son has to share her between her mom's family and ours. We do not have a problem with the middle grandson's great grandparents. We are very lucky they are raising him, although his mom lives with them. She does get verbally ugly sometimes, but we know not to let it bother us because she doesn't have a clue about raising a child yet. She's around more with him, so that is good. Okay, now the last grandchild was found out when she was 6 months. Her mom didn't even bother to let my son know the baby MAY be his. She's a stripper! She tested a few guys, black and white, but none were positive. She found my son on Myspace THROUGH THE FIRST CHILD'S MOM! Not a good idea! Anyhow, my son was tested. 99 % positive he was the dad. She acted all excited to meet us and involve us in her life, set up a meet her daughter day at her dad's close by, then moved the next weekend! She told my son the day before she moved! This grandchild is 4 hours away, she has become best friends with my other grandchildrens moms (they cyber bully my son and me all the time). When I ask about my granddaughter, she tells me not to ask because I have to, ask because I want to. Breaks my heart! She was going to keep us posted on her "firsts", send pictures, email, etc. She is now the mother of a new baby girl by her nice black boyfriend and allows his baby to go for days to HIS parents home, but we are not allowed to do this with our granddaughter. How cold is that? I just want to give up. The little girl doesn't even know us. We have seen her twice since she's been in Houston for both of her birthdays, and miss her very much. Any advice? I pray my two other sons marry nice, caring, family-oriented, unselfish women. God bless, and sorry for the detailed post. I'm just so depressed about all of it. My son IS married now to a very nice gal.

understands
Oct 23, 2009, 12:14 PM
I feel for all of you that have posted on this site. I would like to offer you a perspective from the other side. I am a new mother of a 4 month old son. Recently, I went back to work after being home with him all day for three months. That time for me was amazing, so The transition has been very difficult for me. Now, I see him perhaps an hour and a half a day before he's ready to conk out. Though I know my m-i-l wants to see him more often, I wish that she realized that I, too, want to see him more often. Our time together has been drastically reduced and I cherish every moment I have with him. Because he is so young, we try very hard to stick to a schedule. M-I-L wants to come by at 6 right as we are beginning our night time routine. (bath, bottle, book, and bed) Occasional interruptions to this schedule are harmless, but more frequent stops, dinners out, etc are just not plausible at this time. Also, when she offers to keep him she does so with offers to pick him from nursery school (while I am at work) and take him out and about. I feel uncomfortable with anyone other than my husband or me driving our son around. She is offended, however, I can't help how we both feel about this and would likely be all for her offer if she suggested that she watch him at our home for a few hours. Rather, she wants the freedom to run errands, go out to lunch, etc. I do understand that to the grandparents out there, this fear seems rather obnoxious, but it is not one that is limited to her and I wish she would respect our feelings rather than trying to make us feel guilty for having them. I am not a terrible person. I have a college degree, a full time job, and am a loving wife. That I feel closer to my own mother is not a reflection of my m-i-l. I do feel as though I react negatively when she attempts to make me feel guilty, pushes me, or objects to my not allowing her to watch my son if she wants to be driving around. Grandparents are a blessing, and there are those of us that DO cherish you. Please to take into account what Ive said, as well as the type of family relationships your d-i-l had. I did not see my grandparents weekly, sometimes even monthly - but I always loved them, enjoyed them, and cherished them - just as they did me.

AtLarge
Nov 10, 2009, 09:15 AM
This is clearly an emotional topic. My daughter has struggled with her mother in law who thinks it is her right to tell her son and my daughter how to live their lives. She takes it personally when they reject her advice. She has tried to put a wedge between my daughter and her son. Which, happily, only brings the two of them closer together.

Just ask yoursel this. Do I treat my daughter in law the way I expected my mother in law to treat me when I was young? (Yes, it IS the same thing... )

And good luck. I am sure you mean well. But your grandchild will grow up with or without you. And if you want it to be with you, you may have to take a different approach. What you are doing now is clearly not working. So... just a thought...

Fr_Chuck
Nov 25, 2009, 06:42 PM
For heavens sake does no one ever watch and look at the dates of the thread. This thread was over 3 years old.

JulieJ
Sep 27, 2010, 10:16 AM
Hit the nail on the head! If my mother in law would stop thinking of herself, and enjoyed herself instead of throwing out weird and unwelcome comments about myself and my husband, and my family then we might want to be around her more often.