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bier
Oct 13, 2006, 09:36 AM
I have been married for 12 years and with my husband for 15. We have 3 fantastic kids ages 6, 7 & 10. They are happy go lucky kids very involved with schools and friends. My husband and I are done. Every day I pray to God to help me leave him, without disturbing the lives of my kids. My kids love their father and I would like them to maintain that relationship but I need to be rid of him. He is like a cancer that runs through my body on a daily basis. I have managed to maintain a home as best I can without hurting my kids. But they are not stupid they know what the problems are, and they are starting to know that their father is to blame. In a nut shell my husband is all about himself, not me not his home, not his family, and not his kids. We have had the most unbelievable amount of financial stress this past year. By the way my husband has not worked or attempted to work in 6 months, even though we are going through a foreclosure and a sale date on our home I find him in bed in the mornings, and playing video games in the afternoon. By the way he is 44 years old. He worked at his job for 12 years but always had a conflict with his boss and it finally came to head back in April, he was forced to leave his job. I work part time and raise my kids by myself, we do not agree on the same things for our kids, I do not really want them playing Mature video games, watching TV shows and movies with adult content, he doesn't help with homework or getting them off to school, and on the days I work he barely meets the kids at the bus. He also has the audacity to ask me what I spend my pay on, If you only know me, I have not purchase anything for myself in years. I spend it on food and things for the kids. Then I look at the bank account and find that he has been spending money in the games stores and electronic stores, today I found out he took out money for the game store $76 which has now allowed my care insurance check bounce, but I have no right to question him on it. BALLS, RIGHT?? The truth is I wish I could pack his bags and stay in my home with my kids but I know that is not possible. I have been trying to sell my house but with the market being what it is, my house isn't moving for what I need to sell it for. I NEED HELP!
I do not sleep, I'm losing my hair, and I look 8 years older than what I am. I need to focus on my kids. Any advice

Northwind_Dagas
Oct 13, 2006, 09:52 AM
First thing you need to do (in my opinion) is to get rid of some of your stress and that seems to be coming from money problems. If he isn't trying to find work, he no longer gets to make decisions about the money. Go open a checking account in your name only. Your checks go there, and he doesn't get a checkbook or a debit card. If he needs/wants money, he'll be forced to contribute by working. You need that money to provide for your family much more than he needs to buy video games.

It may likely get ugly before it gets better, but don't let his careless ways sabotage your family!

charlie123
Oct 13, 2006, 10:45 AM
First of all - I am sorry you are going through this. Most people in relationships have problems - my question to you is 'Is there any part of you that still loves him? Do you hate everything about him or just what he has become (as far as not working, etc.)?' I think it might be time for a 'RENEGOITATION OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP'. Let me share with you the short version of my story...

I have been married for 8 years & have one baby (3). About a year and half ago I too thought that my marriage had run its course. My husband was never mean to me or anything like that - he just wasn't around. I felt like I was at the bottom of his priority list. I felt like it was..
1. Our son
2. His Mom
3. His Dad
4. Work
5. His Friends
6. Hunting
7. Riding his Dirt Bike
8. Then ME

So, I began thinking about what it would be like without him. He was frequenting strip clubs & he even traded in his truck for a sport car! I was so mad! Well, one day in a heated argument I told him how I was feeling - and that I had even had thoughts of being with someone else. And he was so hurt. He left for a few days - but we realized that we couldn't stand even falling asleep without each other. We sat down and 'RENEGOTIATED OUR RELATIONSHIP'. We made some new ground rules. He will NEVER go to a strip club again! We decided for me to become a stay at home mom - so I quit my job, sold our house & moved into a smaller rental place. (We are going to build a house several years from now - but for now we are renting) - His dirt bike was sold! He still hunts - but usually nearby so we can still do things as a family afterward. We talk more - I feel like I got my best friend back. I still have flashbacks of things that were said and done in the past - but it was a gift from God for us to go through that period in our marriage. I know now that God made him especially for me - and vice versa.

So - please think twice - the grass is not always greener on the other side. Your husband may be going through something & doesn't know that he needs your help. I think you should talk with him & give him some rules for him to stay married to you. This may be the breaking point in your marriage - or he may just surprise you - and become again the man you married.

May God Bless You to follow your heart & do what's best for you & Your Family

Fr_Chuck
Oct 13, 2006, 11:05 AM
OK, don't pay any bills on the house, the electric, the phone or nothing and save up that money and move to a rat hole apartment for a month or so till you find something better.

If you want to move, don't worry about him, don't worry about paying bills that help your husband,

Next if he is wasting money that is needed at home, close that bank account or at least don't put any more money in it and keep all of the money you bring in just for the food you are eating till you move out.

Contact some women shelters, they are many of them, most cities have them, where you can the kids can move for a few weeks also to get a new start

phillysteakandcheese
Oct 13, 2006, 11:07 AM
You are already carrying the load of the household yourself, it seems to me you don't really need help to leave the marriage. If you wanted to drop the dead weight, you could.

I think it is more the case that you do not want to be "the bad guy" that get's blamed for "breaking up the family".

The truth is that your husband has left the family. He isn't taking care of you or his children. From what you described, he's already given up and is just waiting for things to end.

I suggest you follow Charlie's advice above, and if that doesn't work out you are going to have the strength in yourself to walk away from a bad situation.

lshackett
Oct 13, 2006, 12:20 PM
I can so relate to you,let me know how things are going, sometimes just talking out to someone helps... I'm here if you need to talk
(see Family law - lshackett, that's me)

Keep you head up better days are coming!!

bier
Oct 13, 2006, 04:59 PM
I have been married for 12 years and with my husband for 15. We have 3 fantastic kids ages 6, 7 & 10. They are happy go lucky kids very involved with schools and friends. My husband and I are done. Every day I pray to God to help me leave him, without disturbing the lives of my kids. My kids love their father and I would like them to maintain that relationship but I need to be rid of him. He is like a cancer that runs through my body on a daily basis. I have managed to maintain a home as best I can without hurting my kids. But they are not stupid they know what the problems are, and they are starting to know that their father is to blame. In a nut shell my husband is all about himself, not me not his home, not his family, and not his kids. We have had the most unbelievable amount of financial stress this past year. By the way my husband has not worked or attempted to work in 6 months, even though we are going through a foreclosure and a sale date on our home I find him in bed in the mornings, and playing video games in the afternoon. By the way he is 44 years old. He worked at his job for 12 years but always had a conflict with his boss and it finally came to head back in April, he was forced to leave his job. I work part time and raise my kids by myself, we do not agree on the same things for our kids, I do not really want them playing Mature video games, watching TV shows and movies with adult content, he doesn't help with homework or getting them off to school, and on the days I work he barely meets the kids at the bus. He also has the audacity to ask me what I spend my pay on, If you only know me, I have not purchase anything for myself in years. I spend it on food and things for the kids. Then I look at the bank account and find that he has been spending money in the games stores and electronic stores, today I found out he took out money for the game store $76 which has now allowed my care insurance check bounce, but I have no right to question him on it. BALLS, RIGHT???? The truth is I wish I could pack his bags and stay in my home with my kids but I know that is not possible. I have been trying to sell my house but with the market being what it is, my house isn't moving for what I need to sell it for. I NEED HELP!!
I do not sleep, I'm losing my hair, and I look 8 years older than what I am. I need to focus on my kids. Any advice
Thank you all for your thoughts!! I will let you know!!

LUNAGODDESS
Oct 13, 2006, 06:42 PM
Before your home goes to foreclosure talk to a real estate agent... get some money for your home... one step at a time...

talaniman
Oct 14, 2006, 05:02 AM
Work full time and let him take care of the kids and if he can't handle it kick his *** out. Having said that do you think something else is going on that a professional needs to address? I really like Charlies advice, just go off on him and let him know how you feel.

s_cianci
Oct 14, 2006, 08:10 PM
Definitely end his access to the money. Have your pay direct deposited into an account that only has your name on it. Pay the bills that need to be paid for you and the kids. If necessary, sell your house or allow the foreclosure proceedings to run their course and move into a smaller house or apartment with your kids. Any money that your husband needs or wants he'll have to go out and work for.

ashley19
Oct 14, 2006, 08:28 PM
I have been married for 12 years and with my husband for 15. We have 3 fantastic kids ages 6, 7 & 10. They are happy go lucky kids very involved with schools and friends. My husband and I are done. Every day I pray to God to help me leave him, without disturbing the lives of my kids. My kids love their father and I would like them to maintain that relationship but I need to be rid of him. He is like a cancer that runs through my body on a daily basis. I have managed to maintain a home as best I can without hurting my kids. But they are not stupid they know what the problems are, and they are starting to know that their father is to blame. In a nut shell my husband is all about himself, not me not his home, not his family, and not his kids. We have had the most unbelievable amount of financial stress this past year. By the way my husband has not worked or attempted to work in 6 months, even though we are going through a foreclosure and a sale date on our home I find him in bed in the mornings, and playing video games in the afternoon. By the way he is 44 years old. He worked at his job for 12 years but always had a conflict with his boss and it finally came to head back in April, he was forced to leave his job. I work part time and raise my kids by myself, we do not agree on the same things for our kids, I do not really want them playing Mature video games, watching TV shows and movies with adult content, he doesn't help with homework or getting them off to school, and on the days I work he barely meets the kids at the bus. He also has the audacity to ask me what I spend my pay on, If you only know me, I have not purchase anything for myself in years. I spend it on food and things for the kids. Then I look at the bank account and find that he has been spending money in the games stores and electronic stores, today I found out he took out money for the game store $76 which has now allowed my care insurance check bounce, but I have no right to question him on it. BALLS, RIGHT???? The truth is I wish I could pack his bags and stay in my home with my kids but I know that is not possible. I have been trying to sell my house but with the market being what it is, my house isn't moving for what I need to sell it for. I NEED HELP!!
I do not sleep, I'm losing my hair, and I look 8 years older than what I am. I need to focus on my kids. Any advice
My parents were got divorced when I was 8 although I was upset about it at the time a year later I was happy with the divorece, as long as your kids keep up the relationship with their father it will be fine, you need to leave him NOW for your sake and your children, children know when their parents are unhappy, and your unhappyness is probably damaging your kids more than the separation will.. leave him now and get on with your new and happy lives.. the sooner the better.

shygrneyzs
Oct 22, 2006, 03:55 PM
I was in that situation for 23 years. Of the longest years of my entire life. I finally took the steps and let the chips fall where they may. I opened up my own checking account, started saving a bit at a time, and made plans. When I finally made up my mind to leave, it took less than a month to finalize the plans. I gave myself a deadline and stuck to it.When you stay in a relationship like that - you so enable every negative behavior your husband possesses. You become the martyr. And we wear that quite well too - just ask other "laboring" wives with same circumstances. I never realized it until I was listening to a co worker of mine saying, day after day, how much better off she would be without her husband, but yet she remained. Got a lot of emotional support too from people - sympathy, pity, empathy, etc.

Ann Landers said it best, when faced with decisions like you have to make - are you better with or without him? Best of luck to you.

Inthesameboat
Nov 3, 2007, 08:56 PM
Hi, this is Inthesameboat. When I see that someone else can benefit what I have gone through/am going through, I am here to give you the advice that I think will help you the most. First of all, don't move out yet. I know you want to. Four months ago I came to the realization that I had to move out, but didn't, because I am unemployed at the time. I was forced to quit or be fired. Fortunately, my husband is letting me stay with him until I find a job.

You see the similarity I have with you is:
I have a 6 and 9 year old at home, want to leave my husband, although I am the one playing the video games, and I have no job.
He does not do a lot emotionally for the family, but financially he is there.
I want to ask you a question before I go on. I feel I am done with my spouse, but are you? Are you done with him because he is : lazy, playing video games, not helping out? He is not working because he is buying the games and wanting to play them, right?
What if you demanded that he cannot have the computer or video game system until he had a job? He would be looking mighty fast!

Okay, back to the similar situation I am in: I don't feel like I can move out just yet, because I don't want to hurt the kids. My son who is 9 said, "Mommy, you wouldn't move out, because you love me!" Ouch! Research shows kids do well with divorce as a child, if both parents keep in contact, and still show them love. My Dad was misinformed by my mom, and heard that I didn't like him, was angry, and didn't want to see him. This was not true, and for years (29, to be exact) I never knew he thought that. My mom lied to him! So, you have to be careful, because if you do leave with or without the kids, they will be hurt if they cannot see both of you. Communication will be difficult, and a mess can happen very easily. Take care of emotional situations while you live under the same roof. Tell the kids everything (in a way they can handle) by asking others for advice. Try not to do everything on your own. I am learning that I cannot. My friends tell me, "you are looking somewhere else for someone, but no one will satisfy you until you make yourself happy on your own." I feel I need to move out for the reason that I want to know if I can be happy by myself. Do I like myself, or do I just like making myself happy, and I am too selfish to think of pleasing others? Possibly, I could be the person that should not be married for a while, and am too depressed (I have been taking Wellbutrin XL for a while, and it just doesn't seem to work, but of course there is no "miracle medicine", but simple dedication, considerate and thoughtfulness on the part of others and not just myself is the key. You want to move out, but you have to think of all that is involved in making that choice, both for your sake and your kids mostly. Of course it will impact the kids' father as well, which in turn will affect their well-being. "My Mom kicked my Dad out on the street like a bum, and now he is getting drunk and is talking of suicide!" Do you want that to happen? I think not. It is probably not likely, but the chance is there. I have been suicidal myself, because I want to just see my problems go away. I am jobless, like your husband. It really gets you down, and you are a different person. Things change around you. People don't look up to you, respect you, and you imagine that you have less self-worth, and what you used to offer your family, you cannot. This hurts a lot. People don't realize when they even do it, it is sub-conscious, and they can't help it. They see you are not working, and think something must be wrong with you. They don't know the whole situation at all! Ma'am, if you do move out, though, you can't move far away, otherwise you cannot still be involved in their activities, which they so desperately need. Definitely stay "friends" with their father. Don't cause any more conflict than what is already there. You both don't need it. Do what makes you feel the least bit guilty. You won't get rid of all the guilt. What is the lesser of the two evils? Having someone conveniently there who knows the kids and will sit for them for free, in exchange for your freedom and hiring someone they don't know?

Ask yourself this, "Does my husband know I want to leave yet? Is he feeling regret for not working, or does he care?" You see I am, like your husband, not working, stopping really giving a rip about even caring lfor looking for a job, since it has been 4 months, and I have not found one I like. It gets very old. Life has become very guilt-ridden. My thoughts are as follows:
Maybe I should buckle down and take any old job for the time being.
But I just feel I will be tying myself down if I accept one.
I will be quitting for a better one, which doesn't look too good on my resume...

See, perhaps your husband is not willing to work. He is in a rut like me. Too many feelings tied up with the old job, and afraid to start something anew. It is scary, you know. Really. Question" Why doesn't he have unemployment? I don't get UI checks either, because I was forced to quit, therefore I signed a letter saying I quit. They used this against me, saying that I voluntarily quit. School districts are very good at what they do, to save money. I lost all rights to that benefit that I so deserved. They're the ones who harass me, make me quit, and yet they don't want to fess up, and pay me any more money. You see, I get no unemployment checks now, because I was not fired. I thought it would look bad on my resume to say I was fired, so now I am paying for it, literally. I should have let them fire me, and kept working as long as I could have.

Furthermore, can your husband get his job back, or does he even want to try? It is possible that if he apologizes, that maybe they will look at his character and see that he is sincere and take him back. At this point, any tactic is really an option, as long as he is able. Swalloiwing pride may be an issue, which men have a hard time with. Perhaps he cannot go back because of extenuating circumstances, but are his skills specific enough? They might reconsider. See, I am a sign language interpreter, and it is difficult to find anything in the Seattle area that I can survive on. I would love to go back. I even asked if I could be a substitute which, by the way, they are DESPERATE for, but no, they said because of the conflict it is not possible. Just waiting for calls from interpreting agencies is not my style. No health benefits, and no knowing where you will be the next day. I want to interpret for students in the school district, helping them learn. I think I might have to just relocate to another state, and send money to my kids, and let the husband watch them, paying for a sitter. What about if you paid your husband to be a sitter? He'd have money to buy his video games, and be happy to let you move out, because he'd have a job! =) Just an idea. I know it is not something you can afford, or could you? Maybe the state would help you with paying for the child care (it is tax deductible, by the way). If you employ him, though, he'd have to report his income for tax purposes.

My question is this: do you want to keep the house? It is in your best interest to keep it. Why? If it is in both your names, you get half of the value. Keep paying it off, live in different bedrooms, (you can prove to the court you are legally separated if you can tell them you don't sleep together anymore) and when the value has increased, you can sell it for more. The equity rises so fast! Soon, when you sell it, you can buy something smaller, say a 1 bedroom, and the kids can sleep on a couch pull-out, or something. If you didn't mind, they could even sleep in bunk beds in your room, unless you plan to get remarried, then you'd want them out of there!

End of part I

(I have a part two coming up... )

Inthesameboat

Inthesameboat
Nov 3, 2007, 09:17 PM
Inthesameboat's response, part II:

I have lost hair as well, lost 20 pounds, and have had an increase in my stress, but I have another problem as well. There is someone else in the picture. Do you have another man in the picture? See, when I got hardly any attention from my man, I met someone online (while playing a video game) who could give me the attention and care that I needed, while my man slept on the couch watching sports. I didn't make the effort to go count some "Z"s with him, because I was not wanting to disturb him. Then because of my lack of effort, I let our relationship deteriorate, but he didn't really work hard to get me to come into the room either (I would insist I wanted to finish a "quest", etc. in my game, and stay at the computer, since it satisfied my needs more than him at the time) so here we were, in separate rooms. Does your husband play video games at night while you do something else? Go for a walk with the kids. While they are in their little threesome, chat with him, and see what he really gets out of his games. Maybe he would enjoy you playing a couple games with him? Is there a hobby you used to do, or still do, that he could participate in? Or is there a special family outing that you all like to do together. It will spark up that feeling of togetherness, or else it will make you bitter. I realized on our family vacation, after my man found out about my online escapade, that I was not happy with him, because of my guilt. Maybe your husband feels guilty, and needs someone to make him feel reassured that he is worth something. He might crawl into his "video game" shell of a world, just to escape his problems, just like alcoholics, and gamblers do... covering up the real problem, saying they are addicted, but the real cause is they cannot communicate what is eating them up inside. He needs love. Everyone does. If you are going to go search for another man, I would take care of his needs first. Say, "Honey? I feel like our relationship is through, because I am carrying so much weight on my shoulders, I am going to cave in with just one more piece of straw on my back!" Then, if he doesn't care, well, you need to serve him some divorce or legal separation (same thing)papers, stay with him until you get another place to live (I thought about just moving out and living with my Dad, but hey, my Dad is not the most uppity person, and will just make me more depressed, not to mention he won't let me move take the kids to his house with me) then move yourself and the kids out to a better place near their school, which may be difficult to do. I have looked around myself. They need to be within the boundaries of that area, or your kids will all have to be with new classmates, which is very disruptive. Are they ready to accept that to make their mom happy? Is it a sacrifice YOU are willing to make? Can it be avoided? What about if you move out, leave the kids with Dad? See, I asked around for a shelter, and they said, "We will be trying to help your marriage, if you live here." The problem is that I really am at the point where my husband is just a companion, and sure, I feel a bit of affection for him because of his caring for his kids, providing for us financially (that is where we differ, by the way, but I can relate from your husband's side here, seeing you make the money, which probably makes him feel inadequate, therefore he buries himself even more in the computer, saying he is "looking for a job", but really, he is on the computer, like I am looking at this website for help). My husband also said that he still loves me. However, his language of love is short-lived, not the same language I have been needing from him. It is for a moment, right before he wants sex, and there is not much cuddling going on during the day. He also does not talk much. I think I need someone who talks more, although the guy I like is not too common in his interests with me (except video games), he does, however, like to listen, and will sit for hours on the video cam, and cry with me even. The short moment when my husband shows affection (sits with me on the couch), I feel mixed emotions, because I want to feel loved, but I want it to be real, and not just physical. I really feel I have a deep need for someone to be there for me. Sure, he is there physically, but mentally we are not on the same level. At least I haven’t felt that way in years. Marriage is a lot of work, and maybe I just shouldn’t have married him, knowing he was not a deep thinking individual (he even admitted this before marriage, that he was shallow).

You have someone home when you need him, right? That is an advantage. See, for me, to add to my/our difficulties emotionally, is the lack of family “together” time. You see, my husband’s hours that he works makes it so that we don't have a lot of time together after the kids are in bed. At this point, I feel such guilt, that we don’t even use the valuable time we do have left to do anything together. I am sure your husband would rather have a real person care for him than play his video games if you asked. Honestly, which is sad to say, but if we had no kids, I think we'd be more financially secure, I wouldn't feel stressed about getting a job, and obviously, we wouldn't have to discipline and help with homework, not to mention clean up after kids! Making lunches, feeding kids, and trying to keep them out of trouble (they are getting into trouble at school now, because of the instability of our marriage) is what is making me fall apart. One is a picky eater, so it is hard to feed him much of anything, and mealtime is difficult, because I am not hungry when my husband gets home, so we don’t' eat together as a family anymore (he gets home at 6:30 or later). I don't feel creative in cooking for him, and doing the laundry, dishes, and cleaning the house (or lack of it) is eating me. I want a job, but wonder if I am going to be better off if I just get a divorce unemployed, and if I would be sitting in a prettier situation, because the judge would pity me, or if he'd say I am lazy and award my husband full custody of the kids. I have no where to move to. Studies show that people without kids are happier in their old age. I wouldn’t take back having my kids though.

What is your idea of the ideal place to move to? The house gets sold, your husband moves out of your life, but not the kids', and you still see each other, because you have three common interests running around for a few more years, needing you financially and emotionally... what is he going to do? No place to go, no job, are you going to throw your kids' dad on the street? Does he have money in the bank or some equity besides the house? If not, well, you may be sending your lazy but loving husband out of your kids' lives, because he won't have much of a choice but to go to a shelter, where he cannot watch his kids, and you will be stuck with them alllll the time, and babysitters are EXPENSIVE! That is why I am staying here, while my husband works. Sure I don't bring in a paycheck, but he is not giving out 800 bucks monthly for a sitter, either.

End of part II,

Inthesameboat

Inthesameboat
Nov 3, 2007, 09:22 PM
Inthesameboat's response, part III,

I say all this to let you know, that you are not alone. I want to say that I am not selfish, but it is not true. I admit it. I love my video games, but I love my kids more. Prioritizing is hard for me. I procrastinate, saying, "oh, they can find themselves something to eat..." and they end up coming to me asking for food, which then prompts me to give them something. I am a lousy mother, and feel like I should be the one to move out, leave them with their dad, and live with my dad until I get a job, but would I be happier? You answer that for me? Without my kids, wondering how they are cared for by their Dad who is going to be home with them for only 2 hours every night, and works Saturdays, so he would only have Sundays with them. I could baby-sit them on Saturdays, saving the "family" money, or have him pay me to baby-sit them (what a novel idea!)... the fact is, your husband will NOT care for the kids. You WILL pay someone to watch them. What is your allowed "babysitting" expense account? If you separate, he is going to want compensation for watching the kids. Boot him out, and you are booting out money. Sure, he plays video games, and takes your money that you need to spend on bills, but does he get paid for watching them while you are at work? Give him an allowance. My husband asked me if I wanted one, and if he had asked me a couple years ago, giving me the option of having a bit of cash here and there, I would have been happier, and might have saved the marriage. I didn't know how to ask for what I wanted. I just wanted it to all fall in my lap, and when it didn't, I went elsewhere, seeking for something... the video game that really doesn't give much back, but is only what I put into it. No place to get set up for disappointment like real life. Sure, you make friends on the video game online (is your husband playing Second Life, or Runescape, because if so, he might have a secret affair going on, like I started) but these relationships are not real unless they are acted on in real life. I did meet my friend. I flew to New Zealand, twice. Tickets he purchased for me. We went to Australia for a week. I won't go much more into it, but please, if you want to be happy, ask him if he is involved, look for clues, and if he is into someone else, it will make it easier to serve him the divorce papers. Your kids will understand, your friends won't have to ask, if you just tell him he likes someone more on his online videogame website. If you are afraid people will say you are the one to break up the marriage, you tell them the kids are stressed out, and are not happy, because the parents are not happy. I have one child in therapy, my husband is in counseling (he gave up having me go, since I am not interested in him, but in this New Zealand friend) and the other child is going crazy with need for love, which I can't give him right now, looking at the emotional state I am in!

Your husband is like me,
1. Needs a job
2. Needs attention
3. Feels like he can get it elsewhere, so why try to work on the marriage
4. Feels like giving up, and that he is not appreciated
5. Worries about his "living up to his responsibilities" as a man and a husband, which makes him to stressed out, so he has to go seeking for a stress-reliever, i.e. video games
6. Has started separating himself from you already
7. Is not responsible (spending money on video games) and needs to sell something to pay you back, or get rid of the computer/video game system to make the marriage work
8. Needs to help with homework/chores around the house, or you will go crazy and leave
9. You want to keep working, but cannot work full time, because you don't want to neglect the kids, and cannot imagine leaving them with someone else if he gets a job
10. Wants to know that you are aware of the above items, and wants you to be aware of other problems that he sees in your relationship with him and the family

Read these to him. See if he can add to the list. Let him have one hour. Check on him in an hour, and if he has added some, and is still writing, well... there is more than video games to worry about. You guys need to give the kids to a family member to watch, and have a couple hours alone without distractions to "revisit" your marriage before it gets so rocky that a landslide completely overtakes you both, taking the kids with you, which I doubt you want to occur.


I am trying to help you, and hopefully I am doing so, but in reality, I know I can't speak, seeing as I am in such an awful situation myself. See, the guy from New Zealand? He lives with his dad, of whom I made a call to today, (because he got drunk for the third time in the last three months, saying he would only do it once or twice a year. His excuses were: last high school play cast party, his 17th birthday party, a friend's party across the street. And he didn't plan to do it, it just happened, and even though he was tipsy, he sat down most of the time) and I asked his Dad for one reason why I shouldn't date his son (well, he wants to marry me, but I broke the engagement two days ago, which his dad hadn't been informed of the engagement at all. I told his dad I couldn't handle the added stress), and he said, "Well, he is young at age 17 (yes, he is 17, which by the way is above the age of consent in their country, which is 16) and he needs to concentrate on his school work. I want him to get a 4 year degree, and get a proper job, and all he talks about is going to pilot school for a year, then getting a domestic flying occupation in the US for a year while getting his required hours, and then he thinks he can get a commercial piloting job in the US easily, when he cannot really even get one here in New Zealand, let alone there in the United States. But, don't do anything right now, as it will devastate him." What am I to do? I am 40.

Keep up the chin, as it is not always easy, girl.

I'm needin' love as well, and it is true, you cannot always know what is on the other side of the fence. Try it out, if you can. He is now letting me move out without actually getting a divorce, which is a move in the positive direction. We will continue to be friends, which is healthy on everyone. I think he is a good man, but I have just lost my attraction for him, and I need to be honest with him and myself. Why lead him on? Even without someone else in the picture, I think I just lost the desire to please him, because he cannot please me in the ways that I need him to. It is too much to ask him to change. He is ten years older, and I married him in a rut, watching television all the time. He needs to marry his television, is what it is. Maybe I need to marry my internet connection! Everyone has their selfish needs. If we all could just have friends that are like us. Just wanting to give and receive honest love. Too bad you just cannot find that everywhere. You SHOULD, however, have that in your home. Kids deserve to be brought up in a home where both parents are happy and have tried to reconcile their differences, knowing they are both making the best choice for all concerned in the long run. Sure, none will be ideal, but you make the BEST decisions with what you are given. That's all we are required to do on this earth, right?

I can't stop you from being selfish, because we all are that way. But reread what your husband is going through, put yourself in his shoes, and do what you would like have done unto you. The "Golden Rule" is there for a reason. I know, I am preachin' to my own choir here, but hey, sometimes in helping others, we help ourselves. I might even get some help from you (let me know what helps you!). Oh, by the way, I've been married 12 years, known him for 15 as well!

Needing love, seeking love, hopefully receiving true love,
Inthesameboat

Johouses
Mar 18, 2008, 06:22 PM
Hi

I can certainly feel for you as I have lived this much longer.

Regarding the mortgage--try contacting your mortgagor to work out some relief. Depending on the type of mortgage you have there may be a variety of options. I work in the industry so I may be able to help with some questions. Although the mortgage companies say they are trying t help people you still have to fight for it.

Your children are old enough for you to work full time unless your current part time job pays well enough that you don't have to take on the extra hours. Since your husband is home he can watch the kids. He can also prepare dinner and generally help around the house. A final option is an attorney--an attorney can "force" your husband to take a job--any job!

You will benefit from the full time job as it may afford you the means to hold onto your home. Your husband (if you should divorce) will have to pay support adding additional income. You will feel much better when you know you can afford these things on your own and not have to depend on him!

Re your kids---I think if they at there age can tell who is wrong it is not from there observations. Keep this struggle between you and your husband as children are too impressionable and often find a way to blame themselves.

Playing devil's advocate for a moment---could your husband be suffering from depression?
Would he benefit from counseling--some therapists can also hook him up with job conseling to help get him on track.

Since he did work for 12 years and sounds like his first time off as near as I can tell from what you said---that is not bad. Wish I could say the same for mine. With all the stress from finances maybe you could consider marriage conseling if keeping the relationship is what you want.

N0help4u
Mar 19, 2008, 03:45 PM
I agree with the open an account without him and do not let him touch any money.
By the time you have to get out of your house take your kids and N0 forwarding address.
Let him find somewhere else to go.
He isn't thinking OR worrying about where he, you or the kids are going to go when you have to leave so I wouldn't worry about him.

cinabar33
Sep 24, 2008, 02:16 AM
I have been married for 12 years and with my husband for 15. We have 3 fantastic kids ages 6, 7 & 10. They are happy go lucky kids very involved with schools and friends. My husband and I are done. Every day I pray to God to help me leave him, without disturbing the lives of my kids. My kids love their father and I would like them to maintain that relationship but I need to be rid of him. He is like a cancer that runs through my body on a daily basis. I have managed to maintain a home as best I can without hurting my kids. But they are not stupid they know what the problems are, and they are starting to know that their father is to blame. In a nut shell my husband is all about himself, not me not his home, not his family, and not his kids. We have had the most unbelievable amount of financial stress this past year. By the way my husband has not worked or attempted to work in 6 months, even though we are going through a foreclosure and a sale date on our home I find him in bed in the mornings, and playing video games in the afternoon. By the way he is 44 years old. He worked at his job for 12 years but always had a conflict with his boss and it finally came to head back in April, he was forced to leave his job. I work part time and raise my kids by myself, we do not agree on the same things for our kids, I do not really want them playing Mature video games, watching TV shows and movies with adult content, he doesn't help with homework or getting them off to school, and on the days I work he barely meets the kids at the bus. He also has the audacity to ask me what I spend my pay on, If you only know me, I have not purchase anything for myself in years. I spend it on food and things for the kids. Then I look at the bank account and find that he has been spending money in the games stores and electronic stores, today I found out he took out money for the game store $76 which has now allowed my care insurance check bounce, but I have no right to question him on it. BALLS, RIGHT???? The truth is I wish I could pack his bags and stay in my home with my kids but I know that is not possible. I have been trying to sell my house but with the market being what it is, my house isn't moving for what I need to sell it for. I NEED HELP!!
I do not sleep, I'm losing my hair, and I look 8 years older than what I am. I need to focus on my kids. Any advice
Well you would be surprised how many women feel the same way! Me for example my sons dad is exactly same, maybe we should compare note? All I know is what its doing to you is 3 times worse for the kids, and help or no you have to do what you feel is right, myself I have no family even close so I have my own business now and I am trying to save money this way, and believe you're money is yours! He needs to get his own and close you're part of the checking acount and reopen you're own, get you're statements emailed not paper, I am learning all this myself, any questions just message me, cinabar33. Hope this helps.

Misery01
Nov 25, 2008, 12:53 AM
My advice is if you have any relitives you can stay with do and take you kids
Give your husband and ultimatum tell him if he wants to see the kids or talk to you clean up his act
It's pathetic the way he's acting he acts like 18 year old with no kids or wife no family to supurt when he dose you and your kids if worst comes to worst your kids will under stand you were only trying to make there life best as possible they will under stand in the futre.

amiew0518
Apr 14, 2009, 09:03 AM
I am sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I was in a very similar situation and through a strange turn of events: we went through a devastating house fire - the tables turned back around and my husband once again became the man I married.
Naturally that is not typically the case. Quite frankly my advice is take away the video games. It's one thing for him to be a stay at home Dad, taking care of the home and the children but he is not doing his part. He is being selfish and taking advantage of you.

As for "Inthesameboat" - You clearly have depression issues and could definitely benefit from professional help. I am not saying this to be cruel but seriously, your behavior is selfish and unacceptable to your family. You should really be postnig your own question rather than adding unrealted chapters to this post.

To be a family requires trust and responsibility from both partners/parents. It needs to be 100% and 100% there is no 50/50 meet in the middle.

Everyone goes through rough patches where one spouse needs to give 180% and it's exhausting but those times need to end.

I wish you all the best. You deserve better. I completely agree with those that recommend you get your own bank account. Your husband is not doing his part to take care of your children and your home so he needs to be doing his part by contributing to the family income. He does not deserve your constant support if he's not willing to give back. Best Wishes!