Greetings, all. Firstly, thank you for taking a moment to read my post. Any and all suggestions or advice are well received and welcome.

The short summation of my issue is that my girlfriend has absolutely zero desire whatsoever in having sex or any type of intimate physical interaction and it is bothering me to the point of wondering whether I can continue this relationship.

Let me provide some additional context. I apologize if this is too much information, I just wanted to err on the side of more than less so folks reading can have all of the facts.

I recently turned 36 and my girlfriend is 37, soon to be 38. We have been dating for about 14 months at this point. In the beginning of the relationship (the first month), we had sex a decent amount of times and she seemed very “into” having sex. However, as time went on (say about months four onwards), we just stopped having sex. There was no big change or event, it just sort of happened. She would start to make excuses, mostly along the lines of she did not feel like it, her stomach hurt, she was PMSing, etc. It became evident that she had no interest in having sex with me whatsoever. We had the whole “do you not find me attractive” discussion and she assured me that she did. I finally got up the nerve to bring the issue up and she skirted around it, clearly not wanting to talk about it. After a bit, I started looking at her medicines and researching online to see if any of them may be to blame. Then we talked and she told me that the medicines may be to blame, but she still didn’t really want to talk about it or deal with it. It has always bothered me how it means so much to me and doesn’t seem to mean much to her. She was taking Aldactone for skin problems along with Yasmin for birth control. She went to her dermatologist and told them of the issue and they said it may be the Aldactone which had hormones or something in it. So, she stopped taking the Aldactone, or hardly ever took it and was just on Yasmin. This went on for about four months and no change at all in sex drive. She went back to the doctor at my urging and reported this and they switched her to Yaz and she started back on the Aldactone. This was about three months ago. No change whatsoever in her sex drive. She had one “wet dream” a few weeks back and honest to God, that is the only sign of sexual interest from her. We hug and give pecks on the lips, that is absolutely it. She does not like any type of kiss more than a peck, she does not like to be caressed in any way that may resemble a sexual manner and she will never, ever initiate any type of intimate contact with me. In the last year, I believe we have had sex about seven or eight times and each and every one of those was because I begged and pleaded and told her how I was hurting and we ended up scheduling sexual intercourse. Obviously, I was happy to get it, but it sort of takes the fun out of it when it is scheduled and she pretty much just lays there and takes it. During the act, she seemed mildly into it, but just very “lazy” about it for lack of a better term, meaning, if I was doing something, it’s good, but she made no effort and seemed glad when it was done. We even went one stretch of four months with no sex whatsoever. It was unbearable.

I feel I am getting near my breaking point with this issue and don’t see how I can go on forever with her like this. I love her to death otherwise and we have a great relationship. Lots in common, common values and interests and things of that nature. We’ve talked about moving in down the road and marriage a ways down the road (at least a year and a half), but this issue is killing me. There’s another issue of her being an incredibly light sleeper and not being able to sleep in the same bed as me due to snoring that sort of compounds this issue, but the sex drive issue is one I would love to fix.

Not sure what else I can tell you about the situation. I do not harass her about it every day, but once a week or so I indicate a desire or a displeasure at the situation, so she is well aware of it. I am not sure if it is the birth control, the skin medicine, her age, her background, her lack of desire for me or what, but this is killing me. Her doctor even said as a last resort that she could use some testosterone cream on her private parts, so maybe that’s an option.

Any advice would be appreciated. Do I just get out now or should I try something or should I just accept it and deal with it, which I am not sure I can?

Craig

craig,

i don't know how useful my response is going to be, but it hit so close to home that i had to respond. unfortunately, i am in the same situation as you - except i am the sex drive-less girlfriend. i'm 26 and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. the first two years we were together, our sex life was great. then suddenly, going into our 3rd year it just started dwindling. i started feeling "in the mood" less and less. it's gotten to the point now where i don't even feel the need to masturbate: it's literally like i've become asexual, and i absolutely hate it. i feel horrible, because i know it must be so hard for my boyfriend, but it sucks for me, too. i miss WANTING to do things. my boyfriend has been great and really patient about everything, but like you were saying, i don't know how long this can go on for. i reassure him constantly and tell him that - as cliched as it sounds - it is NOT him at all, it's all on my end. i spoke to my gynecologist about it and he did blood work to see if it could be a hormonal imbalance and promised he would get back to me about it either way. frustratingly, he simply signed off on my script, said everything looked normal, and still has yet to return my phone calls, a month later. i think the worst thing about all of this is that i just don't feel as close to my boyfriend since my sex drive disappeared. it's not just about the pleasure of it, it's about that closeness that having sex regularly brings to a relationship, too.

i'm sorry for just rambling on about myself for so long. i really don't know what should be done in your situation, because i'm just as confused. there's times when i want to tell my boyfriend, "if you want to leave, i understand," because if the situation was reversed, i don't know if i could handle it. one thing i will say is, i don't think it's fair that your girlfriend won't talk to you about any of this. i understand that it sucks and it's frustrating for her in her own way, but she needs to at least keep open communication about it. shutting you out verbally (in addition to shutting you out physically!) is only going to pull you guys further apart. do you think she may have been abused or something at some point in her life, and that's why she doesn't want to talk about it? it's hard enough to have to deal with a lack of sex in a relationship, but to not talk about it, in my opinion, is even more dangerous.

good luck with all of this. i definitely feel your pain, even though i'm on the other side of it. it's a really confusing and frustrating situation to be in, when you're with someone you really love and care about but lose a part of the relationship that's really crucial and don't know how to get it back.

Mable,

Don't apologize for rambling, your answer helped more than you can imagine. It just helps to hear someone else who can understand the situation. So many people on here don't get it and say things like "there's more to love than sex" or "just treat her right elsewhere and quit being a pig about sex". These folks just don't understand the situation. So, thank you for your response.

I hope things get better for you, as well. I do not feel like she has been abused. She has been very open about her past and I think it would have come up. She's talked about a few times when she was sexually assaulted (not full rape, but bad enough) but when she mentioned it, it never seemed to bother her and she told me about it matter of factly, so I don't think that's it, either. I read somewhere that about 1/3rd of women are genetically geared to not want to have sex, so I wonder if that's the case with her and maybe she got it from her mother. Her father cheated on her mom and half of me wants to ask if he did so because he was not getting sex from her (no excuse whatsover, though).

I just don't know. Thank you so much, though.