I became the "godmother" to this child simply by looking at her picture and commenting on how I would "take her home and keep her forever" (I was joking). The next day her mother called to find out when I wanted her to drop her off. I assumed it would be a one or two time thing... it wasn't. I have had that child at least 5 days per week, since she was 6 months old... she's 2 1/2 now. Her mother is 22 with 3 kids, father 22 with 4 kids and no job, and there is a family history of domestic violence in the home (towards each other), but she keeps allowing him to move back in. The last time it happened, he threw something at her but missed, and it hit one of the kids by mistake... the police were called, and supposedly Children's Services is getting involved as well. It is just a bad situation. In all honesty, her Mother would let me keep her in a second, she just doesn't want to lose her Government assistance... in the meantime, I am a single Mom trying to raise 3 (now) kids, and that little bit of help would sure come in handy. The mother states if they take the kids from her she would want her to go to me... but her family benefits financially from the Government, for "babysitting" the kids, while I have this little girl 80% of the time. She is the love of my life, and my family has accepted her as part of the family... she spends every holiday with us, and it would kill us all if something happened and we never got to see her again. Not to mention, that I am the only real mother figure she has ever known in her life... what do I do?:(

If she is with you 80% of the time how is her family benefiting by babysitting?
Sounds like they are fraudulently reporting babysitting when they aren't.

If Child Services is going to take the kids then it sounds like her family or you would get her.
The mother says she wants her to go to you that should carry some weight. Make it a point to let Child Services know you DO want her if she is taken off her

Children services needs to be contacted again. Call them up and ask for them to check up on the children again.

And just because the mother said she wants you to have the child doesn't mean you will get her.

And if it ever gets to the point of adopting the child, remember you have to have the sperm donors rights removed also. The reason I say "sperm donor" and not father is because if there are seven kids in the home, he should have thought about having to support them all before becoming the "sperm donor".

I agree with all of the above. You, since you have had her 80% of the time should be on the "list" of people to call when and if they do get taken away. These kids are in danger, you may need to make that call one more time the state to get them involved again. I notice with "helpers" like us, we are always concerned with "is the parent going to be ok" you know what, WHO CARES, in this case, she is going to be able to take care of herself, but it is obvious she can't take care of her children. Who cares if she gets money from the state anymore, you need it if you are taking good care of her and she needs it for clothes and food, etc...
She may be pushed into getting a job and working towards being self sufficient if her kids are taken... and remember that if her kids are taken, she may have a year to get them back. If you were to take this child on with all of the sates benefits to being a foster mother and family, would you be willing to let her go with in a years time, even if you didn't see that she was as fit as you? That is the hardest part, our standards are so much different from the states. You really need to ask yourself that one very hard question. I want you to just remember that in some cases it is best to be there for her if you can, even though you go above and beyond the call of duty, she is still the guardian and mother, until these kids are taken from her, you have no rights. I also want to point out one more time that if the kids do go in the system, sometimes the mom (or dad) has a whole year to get her crap together and herself in order to be a good safe parent. I wish you , your family and the little girls family all the luck and best wishes... ;)

Agrees: Precisely, who cares about the mother

Hmm, somehow I hit something during my rating and lost my place and couldn't finish the sentence. So here it is:
... she needs to get a job and let ME quit supporting all their children. I have three of my own to support.

Skeeny... would you mind letting us know how it all goes? I wish you all the best!

They said that men who don't care of the child that they help made are deadbeats, sperm donors, but what happens to a women who can carry a child for 9 months and don't give a damn. When I had my child it make me look at things different and I vow to always look at for her best interests and do my best to protect her with harm and I had my daughter at 17 while I was in my second year at college.

Maybe she has not grown up and have 3 kids and a guy with 4 and there's domestic issues. I think your great for already being a mom and taking on another with unconditional love. I bet you make a real impact of her life and I hopes she appreicate it when she gets older and its great your family accepts her as well.

I think you should find a way to make this stay 100% instead of 80%. The mother needs counseling and birth control to help her stop having kids she can take care of. Maybe you should contact court or social services to find out what you could do to make it permanent. The child deserves a stable house. Its just sad that this child is safe with you but what about the other kids at home. Contact social service because the outcome might not be good and do it at least for the kids because they deserve to be safe and be treated well. Both of these adult are deadbeats and its sad that the kids have to suffer.

OK, well... you wanted to know what happened, so here goes, so far. The little girl's Mom told me that CSB had contacted her and were coming out for a home visit the next day. I waited a week and when I didn't hear from her what the outcome was, I took your advice and called them myself (as a nurse I am required by law to report suspected abuse/neglect anyways), and made a report. Funny thing is... this woman was almost rude to me, like I was trying to "steal" this little girl away from her Mom. She seemed to think that the routine drug use was no big deal, as when I told her the ashtray was full of "roaches", she informed me that they don't take children away from their REAL parents for that. She stated that she had informed the mother that she would need to see this little girl, and the Mom told her I was going to be bringing her home "this week"... I have had her fulltime since the end of May, and prior to that I have had her at least 5 days a week every week since she was 6 months old, and at NO TIME does her mother come see her or even call to see how she is. They are opening a case, and providing the mother with additional services (counseling for battered woman syndrome, etc.), as she is playing the victim... even though I can tell you that the mother and father both were physically aggressive towards each other. The mother is getting lots of advise from her family and friends, and it kills me that at no time is what is best for this baby at the top of their priority list... it is all about how NOT to lose her benefits, and trust me they are all profiting from them. She has never given me so much as a diaper, milk, cereal, NOTHING... they look at it as I am a rich, white nurse who can afford to take on this financial responsibility. I don't know of ANY single mother's who are well-off enough for this to not be a bit of a struggle... but this is a struggle that I would gladly go through again and again every time I walk through the door from work, and she runs to greet her "May May!" It just kills me though when I think about the very real possibility that CSB is going to tell her that in order to keep her benefits, she is going to have to start (after 2years with me) raising her own child, and what will become of her. Any ideas?

Unfortunately I have seen that a lot... where they go out of their way to provide services for drug addict parents to keep their kids. Then people who do not deserve to lose their kids they take them off them. It does seem like they do base some of it on which way they will get more money into the system and be able to say 'look we took this family from abusive drug family and made them functional again even though the parents are still drug addicts and dysfunctional. Hope you can prove everything and win

CSB will do everything to keep the family together unless the mother don't comply. Once the mother stop doing as ordered, then she would take what you say more serious. Even if she got no food in the house or clothes for her kids they would help her by giving her a special grant for both. The child can be removed only if the mother pose a threat to herself or kids, she places them in danger, abuse, purposely neglect her kids, or like I stated early she does not comply. There are only are reasons but these come to mind. My aunt is an supervisor for child protective service and she too hate this, but sometimes it works or don't. Also, watch what you say because the worker might repeat it to the parent and cause problems and most likely she documented what you said, but probably twisted your words and have you down as wanting to take the child, if she's thorough. If anything you can get a lawyer that specialize in these matters. My aunt hate the rules but she must follow them and if anything wait for a slip.
Also, in case needed, I hope you saved every receipt for everything you ever brought for her. This way you can prove your case on the roled you played in her life. I hope everything work out well for her daughter and other kids because their best interests and needs should come first. When would the courts or agency make tougher rules for parents that don't take care or make their children their first priority.

Those are the only reasons they are SUPPOSE to take kids BUT they DO play games and take and keep kids off parents or give them back to families that should not have them back.

I have been a foster parent and had a child where the mother wa an addict. The mother had supervised visits and was doing well at first, then she stop complying with what she was suppose to do. Last story short, after her third chance she straighten out and I'm glad to report that she is doing better then fine because we regularly keep in touch.

Most cases it depends on how extreme the condition was before the child is taken away permanently and it also depends on the judge at the hearing and the case worker. A lot of case workers don't care about the child and sadly to say some judges too. I know if judges was like Judge Judy it'll be different because she was a tough family judge and feared by most who walked in her courts.

There have been slips where the child was returned because the system has many flaws which work out in the favor of the mother. Sometimes when this happens and the child is replaced with the mother and something bad happens, they look for someone to blame because then everyone is pointing the finger at each other.

Her case so far doesn't sound like extreme case.
It sounds more like an out to get her case similar to what they did to me for years.

I could tell you 100 reasons this child is unsafe living with her parents, but the bottom line is, any mother that would hand their 6 month old baby over to a virtual stranger, and allow them to raise her 5 days out of 7, every week of every month, for 2 1/2 years, that has spent every Christmas, Thanksgiving and birthday with this "stranger"... not to mention the periods where (1.) "she is gettin on my nerves" 2.) "her Daddy and I are fightin again" 3.) "my Grandpa died" 4.) "my doctor put me on bedrest for the next 12 weeks") so Mom just can't deal, so I have her for 6-12 weeks straight without even one phone call from her Mom to see how she is (in fact the one and only time I didn't take her because I was sick... her mother was mad and called everyday to see when I was going to be well enough to come and get her!), is showing less than an interest in raising her own child. All I want is what is best for this little girl that I have grown to love... if that's with me, great. But if her Mom straightened her life out and actually acted like she wanted to be a mother to this little girl, I would be fine with that too. An "out to get her case"? At my age the LAST thing in the world I was looking for was another mouth to feed on my own... and if I did, I could have had a baby of my own, but somehow this is the hand life dealt me, so I'm doing my best to do right by this little girl. Don't think that at some point it hasn't crossed my mind as to whether this was fair to her. Whether I should just say no to taking her with me anymore, because I didn't want to confuse her. But is it better for her to believe that NO ONE gives a , or that she knows that (even if someday I am not allowed to see her ) there was someone who thought she was "the best little girl in the whole world"?

Skeeny, I know you are frustrated. I am sorry for that little girl. I sure hope you can stay "with" her through this troublesome time. I know how hard it is to have to deal with all the "balonga" but, for the child, having you around is like having a tablespoon of sugar on her bland cereal. I appreciate what you have and know you will do for her if you can. As far as the case worker goes, the truth of the matter is, she has to do everything in her power to see that the child and mother ARE NOT going to be able to be with each other before she can take any other steps. She can't tell you that she would rather that child be with you... although she may be thinking it. No matter what it may look like, if the mother doesn't get her cra[p together, you will be called upon. Stay good with the family and the state so you have that opportunity;) Good luck Skeeny! And my thoguhts are with your family and the girls family!

You having the child full time since May (not even counting the rest of the time that you had her the majority of the time)... mom is receiving benefits for her child that she doesn't care for... that's fraud. Is the child better off with you? Definitely. Social Services has their hands tied loose enough to only do so much. It's frustrating as all get out - not only for you, but for them as well. It takes a LONG time to have enough information/evidence to take a child from a bio parent... but since in the true sense of the word, you are her parent and she hasn't really bonded with mom, this may be a different case. Express your concerns with a social worker. The child has a bond with you and your family... removing her from YOU may be destructive to the child. Ask them what to do? Instead of insisting they do something - ask them what you can do for her since she only goes home when mom needs to show that she "has" her kids to keep her benefits... the bond is NOT there.

It's not a perfect system... my grandson was being neglected and abused for months - and had a case worker... all injuries were "accidents" - it just about killed me... we had him from Friday through Sunday every week from the time he was 2 months old - I was constantly talking to the social worker and calling crisis with situations... finally when he was 9 months old, she dropped him off at the day care center sick, since the emergency contacts she listed had disconnected phone numbers (she had taken me off the emergency contact list because she was mad at me around Christmas and never put me back on) and she wasn't due back till later in the afternoon, they gave him to me to take to the doctor (ear infection)... and when she did show up and they told her her son was detained, the first thing out of her mouth was "NOW what am I going to do for money?" She never did ask what was wrong with him or how he was. She's had supervised visitation since a month after they took him from her, my son is in prison - that's a whole nother story. We are going through the process of terminating her parental rights so we can adopt him - we got our foster care license during this process to make the adoption go through faster - our son voluntarily gave up his rights, she wants a jury trial. He turned 2 in July and is the happiest little guy in the world. Frustrating? You betcha... but his happiness is worth any frustration I have to go through... just like you.

Keep your chin up... document EVERYTHING... and make sure social services knows that you have been the primary care giver... have you been taking her to doctor appointments? Getting a statement from the doc office that you were the one taking her in for her check-ups/vaccinations, etc may be beneficial for you as well.

I don't know the law, but couldn't you charge the mother with abandonement? I would think that's something to check in to, especially if you can prove that the child is with you the majority of the time. From here on out keep a diary documenting everything.

On a personal note, I think that what you are doing is wonderful. This little girl has and know love because of you, she is so lucky to have you in her life. It would be a wonderful world if things worked out the way they should, it's not a wonderful world. It's sad that the higher ups think more about the parents of this child then they do the actual child.

Don't give up. Give that little girl a big hug from all of us, let her know that she is worth all the trouble you may have to go through. As for you, a big hug from me, you've made this world a better place because you care.

Keep us updated please, I know that we all want to know what happens. I'm crossing my fingers that this time good will win over bad.

Well... here is the latest update. We are back to our previous schedule of me having her from Thursday after I get off work, to Tuesday morning I drop her off with her mother before I go to work. She DID however offer to "babysit" for me Monday through Friday while I worked, so I could have her all week too. My attempts to reason with the Mom, and try to get her too see what was in the best interest of the child were pointless... she totally missed the point. This is how she was raised, so she sees nothing wrong with it. In her mind, she "ain't no crack ho" so why would she want to sign her daughter over to me... keep in mind that she would be OK with me keeping her 24/7, she just doesn't want to do it legally. Things may be changing though, she has a new boyfriend, and he is not interested in playing Daddy to 3 kids that aren't his, and since she has a new b/f, the kid's Dad isn't too keen on "babysitting" anymore either. She also lost her job for absenteeism (even though she had dropped down to only every other weekend), and the father of her oldest is getting out of prison in a couple months and she has decided that he needs to "bond" with the oldest for 5 or 6 months. On top of all this... she is moving (yet again), and she just "can't deal with all this stress", so she asked if I would be able to take her for awhile (usually means 2-3 months) till all this drama has blown over. When I asked her caseworker what the possibility is that I could 1.) get a copy of her medical card, so I can authorize treatment if she is ever injured/ill at my house, and 2.) get some coupons for at least some milk and juice... I was informed that as an agency, they do everything they can to keep families together, and that they "don't appreciate white do-gooders" like myself interfering, and who did I think I was Angelina Jolie or something. NO ONE has ever had a problem with me being white this whole time, so at this point I am frustrated... so I say "interfering? Are you kidding me? I didn't ask for this... it was THRUST upon me, so I stepped to the plate. All I am trying to do is make sure this little girl gets what she deserves out of life, and since you won't let ME do it, then I am going to use every resource at my disposal to insure that you do your job, and force her mother to do it.
For all of you who have given me sound advice, and been supportive... I thank you. You will never know how much you have helped, and how much I appreciate it.

Sorry you have to endure it Skeeney! Keep up the good work, and help if you can. I know it's tough, I have a feeling you can do it! Be strong and teach good things. Thank goodness she has you...

As for the food and supplies you may need, is there a church organization or a food bank you may be able to state your case to? They may have other options to refer you too as well. How old are your children again? You could very well be able to get on WIC.

Me get WIC?. no, my "natural born" children are 20, and 23.

Sorry, I must have misunderstood.
Have you tried any of your local agencies, like the Churches?

Perhaps asking the mother for a copy of the medical card (as well as a note saying that you are authorized to sign for treatment should anything happen to the child - I do that / have done that every time I've gone out of town and my kids were left with my sister)

You should know who her doctor is too - since, for all practical purposes, you are the primary care giver, you should have the information or at least access to it! What if - for instance - mom was unavailable and the child needed medical attention? Would she rather any treatment wait until you could get a hold of her? If she were not available and you had no way of contacting her in an emergency, that is abandonment (that's how we got custody of our Grandson)...

Just a thought.

Best of luck - my thoughts and prayers are with you!

Hi Skeeney, how are you doing, can you bring us up to date with what is happening?;) Hope all is well!

I became the "godmother" to this child simply by looking at her picture and commenting on how I would "take her home and keep her forever" (I was joking). The next day her mother called to find out when I wanted her to drop her off. I assumed it would be a one or two time thing...it wasn't. I have had that child at least 5 days per week, since she was 6 months old...she's 2 1/2 now. Her mother is 22 with 3 kids, father 22 with 4 kids and no job, and there is a family history of domestic violence in the home (towards each other), but she keeps allowing him to move back in. The last time it happened, he threw something at her but missed, and it hit one of the kids by mistake...the police were called, and supposedly Children's Services is getting involved as well. It is just a bad situation. In all honesty, her Mother would let me keep her in a second, she just doesn't want to lose her Government assistance...in the meantime, I am a single Mom trying to raise 3 (now) kids, and that little bit of help would sure come in handy. The mother states if they take the kids from her she would want her to go to me...but her family benefits financially from the Government, for "babysitting" the kids, while I have this little girl 80% of the time. She is the love of my life, and my family has accepted her as part of the family...she spends every holiday with us, and it would kill us all if something happened and we never got to see her again. Not to mention, that I am the only real mother figure she has ever known in her life....what do I do?:(
Call Family Services & she if you qualify for the child. You will have to register to become a foster mother but if you do you will get financial help from the state.

Well... the last time I took her home to stay with her mother, "Mom" told me that she had "been thinkin about signing her over temporarily for 6 months, to see how it goes." It appears that everything is catching up to her... the state stopped paying her mother for babysitting, since the kids' Mom isn't working, so since she isn't getting paid, Grandma won't babysit at all. She is havinb trouble finding a new job, between her background check and attendance problems. One of her "advisors" told her to file for unemployment, so she asked me about it and I told her that if her workplace fought it (and I know they will), and she is found to have been terminated for good cause, she might have to pay all that back... she says that "that must be what they're talking about, because they told me that the last place I worked and got fired from fought my unemployment. I never went to the hearing, but they told me that if I filed for it again, my first 4 checks would go to pay them back." And now that she has this new boyfriend (who told her he doesn't really like being around her kids all the time... if he wantred to be around a bunch of kids all the time, he'd go see his own) around the house all the time, the kid's father won't babysit and help her out like he used to. As a matter of fact, I got a call from her this morning, telling me to start looking for full-time daycare, because she was sending the baby to live with me for awhile. Life is not going so well for her right now... so she is ready to ship all her kids off. When you abuse the system... it's bound to catch up to you, and it did in a BIG way. I do feel bad for her though, I don't think she is a bad person... it's just that we learn how to parent from our mother's and fathers, and when she was a little girl, her father was in prison, and her mother was out looking for a new man... so this girl never stood a chance. I hope what little bit I can do for this baby, stops this cycle, and she learns that there are honest ways to get by in life. She's a treasure... and she deserves more.

So Skeeney, does this mean she may sign over rights to you?

That's what she implied... but I'm not holding my breath. I'll believe it when I see it.

Do you get to be with her right now, or are you waiting for her to "burn out"??

I stopped keeping her 5 days a week, and dropped down to taking her only on weekends. Right after that, is when "Mom" lost her job, her car got repo'd, the kid's Dad moved out, etc. It only took a couple weeks, before she brought up the temporary custody thing... but as I said, I'm not holding my breath. She has so many people, who have a financially vested interest in her children, who advise her... I have learned not to count on anything.

You sound down, I am sorry to hear it. I hope she comes to her senses... I really do, for the kids sake and yours!

Thanks for all your support... it means a lot.

Aww, gosh, I just think about you and want to know how things are going. I sure do wish she would come to her senses... even if it is just to let you have her..

Well I thought I would update everyone... this is starting to feel like a bad Jerry Springer episode. Anyhow things have been running along OK, till this weekend. I should preface this, with the fact that the person who got this little girl's Mom hired where I work, is also a friend of Grandma's. She also benefits financially from the situation. "Mom" lets her use her WIC card, and claim the youngest child on her income taxes... a"benefit" that was never afforded to me. Additionally this person doesn't like white people... and resents me very much. To make a long story short, she sat next to me during my lunch break, and asked me if I had met "Mom's" new b/f. I guess I assumed she knew all about him, so I answered "yea...he came to the door this morning, when I dropped the baby off." She went back to "mom" and told her I was "telling everybody her personal business" in the breakroom. To make a long story short, as a punishment, "mom" has now decided that I can't see the baby anymore. My family and I are obviously devastated, but worse than that... I can only imagine what the baby thinks. I'm sure she thinks I have just forgotten about her, and the sad thing is... since I'm not a biological relative, there is NOTHING I can do! Of course "Mom" wanted me to box her things up and give them to her... I told her I would hold onto them till she was older, and then if she still remembered me, maybe she would want to come see me, and get them herself. In the back of mind, I always knew that this day might come, but I hoped that she loved her child enough not to put her through this... never overestimate the integrity and intelligence of another human being!

I am sorry to hear this. Maybe just maybe you can write mom a personal loving letter about all the good things you see in her and her kids. Be as positive as you can... give what you don't think you should until she sees the angel in you that you really are. Hugs and love... and lets hope she gets her head on straight. If she doesn't then Skeeny, you have to let go... and focus on your family;) I am sorry. I have been wondering how you are and how things are going. Thanks for coming back to let us in.

I am beginning to think it is time to give up... it would be much easier on me, and maybe in the end, on the child as well. Maybe it's better for her not to know that there is a whole other world out there, where you can do and be whatever you want. Maybe it was wrong of me to fill her head fulls of hope for the future. I can tell you that I have learned a lot. 1.) one person can NOT make a difference in the world 2.) when push came to shove, I was just some dumb white woman who was stupid enough to "babysit" for free for 3 years, and 3.) as much as people say they want to bridge the gap between blacks and whites... deep down, that's not true. Because no matter how pure your intentions are, or your love for that child... people of color still question your every move. I've been called everything from "Angelina Jolie", to a "white do-gooder." Call me bitter... or call it a hard lesson in life.

1) One person can make a difference in this world one person at a time.
2) When push came to shove, you did in your heart what you knew was right. I certainly respect you for it. It takes a lot of patience and courage to do what you were doing.
3) Now you just sound whiny. You are dealing with ignorant people here, I see how you can get have this reaction. YOU are a person... and so are they, in the end it just doesn't matter if you are purple;)
Listen Skeeny, I know this is hard for you. AND you sound angry... just keep letting it all out and it will help a little. I am here for you, and I wish you the best. I respect what you are.

I just don't understand... when NO ONE (not even her own family) else would help this girl, I bent over backwards to do whatever I could for her. Not one time did I ask for anything in return. Not one time have I benefitted from her government assistance. Like I said, this situation is NOT something I sought out... she pushed for this, and now out of the blue she would allow her child to be used as a pawn to hurt me by the very people who will only help her out if there is something "in it" for them. But in the end, it is the child who ends up getting punished... because she has no way of knowing that she didn't DO anything wrong to make me not want to see her, or make me not love her anymore. Whiny? You bet I was whiny... now I'm just mad. How do I do what's best for this child? It's hard for me to know anymore. More than one of the many people I work with who know the situation, have told me to get an attorney (including our house Doctor), but at the time I didn't want to create animosity between her mother and I... now I'm not sure if I care anymore.

You can't have it the whole way around... until she stops being so gosh darn ignorant.
Listen, are you worried about her or the child? If you are worried about the child, then do what you think is best. If this is about wanting to stay friends and still be able to get the child, I doubt that will happen in this case. Skeeny, I wasn't trying to put you down, and I know these are real feelings, real thoughts and real things that are happening to you.

There comes a time where we need to make a choice. A right or wrong choice. I suggest to you to get a notebook out, write the reasons you want to stay involved in this and what GOOD it could do if you did. Then I want you to do the opposite and write down why you shouldn't and what bad comes out of it. When you write it or even type it, you seem to get a clear view of what is really going on. I know you love this girl, I know you do. Yu also need to remember that you have your family to look out for and having a bunch of drama mixed into it is just not good for them. Hugs

Let me make one thing clear... I was NEVER a friend of her mother's. Probably the first two weekend I had her, were as a favor to her mother, to give her a break. Sure I tried to make nice with her mother... it was just a whole lot easier at the time. After that, it was always all about the baby and what was in her best interest. I look at her and I marvel at what a beautiful little gift from God she is... she's adorable, has a wonderful sense of humor, and she's so smart. She has SO much potential... IF she is nurtured. It makes me almost nauseous to take her home... because I know that there, no one will read to her, no one will sing to her, no one will rock her to sleep. The is nothing nurturing about the environment she lives in with her mother. I want to show her that the world is open to possibilities for her future, but I have often pondered whether it is kinder to her, to just allow her to hope for nothing more than what she already has in life. The burden weighed upon me, till a posting from this very site (maybe even you) explained it to me in terms I could understand. They said "think of it this way...every moment she spends with you is like a sprinkle of sugar on the bland life she has been handed," and it all came crystal clear. As far as I am concerned, nothing but good things could come from me fighting for her... I want her to know that I would never give up on her. That there is at least one person in her corner... how can that ever be wrong?

YOu are wonderful. It isn't wrong. I am trying to look out for your heart is all. Her heart has a home, it just isn't a very good one.
When we fostered a few boys, they were 4,5, and 7. I knew I would never ever be able to be pleased with where they had to go back to as home. I knew that, but there is nothing like a mother and son or mother and daughter to go back to. So my little thing that keeps running through my mind for you is that , you will never be happy with where that little girl is. BECAUSE you know you could do it better. Your way, your better. So sweet Skeeny, like I said it is up to you and you know you have to listen to your heart and mind to configure everything right;) You going to make it through? I know this is so tough.

I want to thank you so much, for being that impartial voice that keeps me in line, but lets me know if I am on the right track. This little angel came into my life at a time when I didn't think there was much left of me to give, my kids were getting older and spreading their wings, and I had just lost my mother. A part of me believes my mom had a hand in this, because I can tell you that I was seeing light at the end of the tunnel... I certainly wasn't looking to start all over with a little one, but there was just something about this baby that reached out and grabbed me. I cannot explain it... I have seen a lot of babies (I'm a nurse), but none of them touched me like this one. Lastnight I had pretty much made up my mind, that if she ever let me have her again for another extended time, I would file for custody... but I was pretty sure she wouldn't give me another opportunity. I did something today that I am maybe not so proud of... I used her own greed against her. I simply mentioned in the break room (in front of the same person who ran back and told her about the b/f conversation), that I hoped I could get my money back for all the Christmas I had on layaway, and like clockwork Mom had my little angel calling me, wanting me to "come get me." Is that bad? I think it is... but at this point, I don't much care how Mom feels. She sure didn't care how I OR her daughter felt.

Oh Skeeny, I am sorry about your mom.
Did you go and get her? Did you talk to her mom?
Damn it, I know this is a really tough situation, and I know just for you being with her will teach her a few things about love and how to cherish any time you get to spend with her;)
That is the main thing you need to remember that just because she is so young, doesn't mean she doesn't see. Ya know? Hugs Skeeny, really really big hugs;)

OK... well this is not going to go as smoothly as I had hoped. No, I didn't go get her... I should say, I commute an hour to and from work everyday, and that she lives in that city... and I was almost home when that call came in. Then I should say that my close friend from work's son, who is a police officer in that city, advised me that it would be better for me in court if she dropped her off to me instead of me picking her up as I had done before all this happened, so that she couldn't say that I pressured her into letting me have her. Additionally, she recently moved clear on the other side of the city (almost an additional hour out of my way), and I have no idea where. So lastnight on the phone I told the girls (she dialed the phone then handed it to them, knowing it would pull at my heartstrings, and also so she wouldn't have to apologize for being so rude to me on Monday when she told me I couldn't see her), to have their Mommy drop her off at my work today at 3pm, and then I would take her home with me, and they said OK. Today I purposely stayed out of my office and "unavailable" for phone calls, so what she did was call her "buddy" with the big mouth who started all this trouble, and have her hand me the phone. She was just as insistant, that I had to come get her, as I was that she needed to bring her to me. In the end, she called my bluff and refused... she claimed she didn't have a car, so she couldn't, however at one point in the conversation she offered to meet me at their old house. When I asked her how she planned on getting there, if she truly had no car... she stopped answering my texts. I wanted ever so badly to cave, but now it's almost like she is purposely messing with me, so I held firm and will just plan on seeing my attorney Tuesday morning as scheduled. ::sigh:: go figure!

How did the meeting go with the attorney? How are you doing now?

Well... my attorney said it would take at least 2 years and approximately $20,000 to do it, so obviously that is not an option. He suggested that I just keep doing what I was doing, and that eventually Mom would either a) get arrested again, or b) get tired of the whole process, and sign her over. I have just been enjoying the time I have with her, and making sure she knows that we all love her. Funny though that you should write me THIS weekend... because I am currently conflicted, this has NOT been a good weekend. First of all Mom asserted her right to have her for the holidays, which I totally understand, but then she calls me Christmas night after they are done with their holiday, and wants me to "come get your baby!" RIGHT NOW. When I didn't immediately jump, she was all pissed off yelling at me on the phone and hung up. So I spent 3 hours the day after Christmas in bumper to bumper traffic fighting holiday travelers, on what is normally a 45 minute drive to get her out of her hair so she could go out. Let me say that her and the kids Dad are fighting because his new g/f just had a baby, and so now he wants nothing to do with her or her kids, so she is constantly a chore to deal with. Anyway my angel has always been that... a sweet and loving child, who is a joy to be around, but this weekend she was rude, disrespectful, and at times downright hateful in some of the things she said and did to me. Things that a 3 year old doesn't think up on their own, they learn what they hear... so I know that every time Mom and I have a "disagreement", she voices her opinions in front of the kids. The problem being, when she talks disrespectfully about me in front of the kids, she teaches her how to treat me. Ordinarily I would have just disciplined her as if she were my own... but after the last couple months, I am uncomfortable doing that, as I don't want that to be her next reason for calling me at work screaming (she did that after I trimmed the ends off the baby's hair, which I have done many times before with no reaction whatsoever). So my question is this... do I stop this now, while she still has some good memories of life with us? Or do I continue to trudge along, and hope that it gets better in time? HELP!

Skeeny, you can stop if you want to. BUT just because you haven't been able to do what you want to do with her and her mom, does NOT MEAN SHE CAN BE RUDE TO YOU! Do you hear me, you should discipline her when she talks that way to you or your family. You can't always be the nice one, an teaching her the right way to be is your job when she is with you as well.
I would not trim her hair anymore... no matter what. This is your chance to make a difference in this little ladies life, she is getting the "good" from you. Do you understand that? If this is too tough a situation, you need to make a "what is best for me choice"... no one an make it for you;) Hugs Skeeny, really, I hope you come through OK.

OK... now that I have had some time to step back and think about this, my conclusion is that lately I have been trying to just get her on weekends (babysitter problems), so she has been spending more time at home than usual... and that is why she acted exactly like her completely undisciplined older sister. Solution: solve my babysitter problem and go back to the previous 5 days with me/2 days with Mom schedule. She went to bed at the same time every night, took a regular nap, she was a happier child, and she NEVER ever talked back to me, much less say something downright hurtful to me, in fact all it took was for me to give her "the look" and it would reduce her to tears... but not this weekend, she was openly defiant. And you're right, when she's here she's part of the family, and she needs to understand that the rules apply to her as well. But I do think I am going to mention to Mom, that in the future I would appreciate it if when she wants to "vent" about me, that she not do it in front of the kids.

Good Skeeny, if that can happen, then I would make it so;) You are a good woman.

Aww... shucks :)

I know how frustrating it can be to not have the desired control. What makes you so wonderful is you keep up with that little girl cause you care about her so much.

As a nurse, it's not so much wanting to control things, as it is feeling the need to "fix things. My friends, part of my family, and most definitely the baby's family, all think I am a sucker for jumping through hoops for this little girl who I have no blood relationship to, without getting paid a dime... but you are right, I wouldn't do it if I didn't love her like one of my own, and want to give her a fighting chance in life. And yes, I know I will be broke the rest of my life... but isn't that part of what love is, sacrifice?

Sacrifice is what is missing in this world. Give something and get nothing for it... we need more people like that!:)