Hey guys, I came across this site and found it very useful, figured I'd come here to get some help with problems I've been having. This might get long, so bare with me please!

All right, so I've been involved with this guy for 3 years now.. The first year of our relationship was really good, he seemed like the perfect boyfriend.. After that, it all went downhill.. He was extremely overprotective of me, would always get mad when I would go hang out with my friends and stuff.. Granted, since he was doing it to me, I'd do it back to him and eventually we both got so used to only seeing each other we'd both get mad at each other for stupid things.. Got into some really bad fights.. But he'd curse me out and say such horrible things that no guy (OR GIRL) should say to someone they claim to love.. We wound up breaking up.. We were both seeing new people, and ran into each other again and started talking again, realized we still loved each other and wanted to try again. I ended it with the guy I was seeing, and he claimed to of ended it with the girl he was seeing, but I found out months later he didn't end it when he said he did, it was actually a few weeks later..

He wound up out of nowhere deciding to join the army.. I was really upset about it, but it was his choice and I respected it. The night before he left for basic training, his buddy took him out to hooters, a strip club, and paid for him to get a lap dance.. Only, my boyfriend didn't tell me about the strip club or lap dance, just hooters, which I was fine with. First of all, I don't like my boyfriend looking at other girls half naked, and he KNOWS how much I can't stand it, which is why he lied about it. I didn't find out about all of this until 6 months later, when him and that buddy got in a fight and his buddy confessed the night to me.. My boyfriend didn't deny it, instead laughed it off like it wasn't a big deal because it was 6 months ago.. I was really hurt and upset over it, but eventually, I got over it.

I also found out while he was in basic training, he went to a hotel for a night when they had a night off.. Something else he also lied about and wound up confessing months later. The only reason this upset me is, he had told me so many times in the past what goes on in these hotels between the guys and the girls in the army who haven't gotten any in months.. So why Wouldn't I get upset that I found out he lied to me about going? Of course again, I got over it.

We broke up again, this time for a few months longer.. Began talking again, and now were just "seeing" each other. But once again, I found out he lied to me.. Before we started talking again, he was seeing this girl.. Once we started talking again and decided to take things slow, he told me he wasn't even going to hang out with this girl anymore.. I found out he was with her 2 weeks ago on Christmas Day (about a month after we started talking again) and what gets me upset about that is, we were supposed to hang out on Christmas Day but he cancelled on me saying I wasn't giving him an exact time and he made plans to go out with another friend. The other night when I found out he was lying and confronted him, he got mad at ME saying everyone lies and that its not a big deal because he hasn't even spoken to the girl since that night and that the girl knows all about me.

I admit, I'm not a perfect angel.. I'm not going to sit here and even try to say that I'm the perfect girl or the perfect girlfriend, because that's far from the truth. But I have never felt the need to lie to him about anything. I don't know what to do about him or this relationship. I feel like now every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie. He's currently away for the weekend (army stuff) and he told me that tonight the guys were going to a strip club but he wasn't going because he knew it upsets me, but all night I'm sitting here wondering if he's really there or not.. I feel like I'm letting him make me crazy. Am I being over paranoid, or do I have a right to feel like this? I KNOW he really loves me, that's never been a doubt in my mind. But I don't want to be made a fool of or be with someone who loves me, but also wants 50 random girls. I have absolutely no trust for him, which I know is a major issue, and I have no idea how to even begin gaining any for him. I love him so much, he's my first love, and I just always tell myself it's easier staying with him and dealing with all of this, then to finally let go and try to move on from him. I feel like I'm stuck.

I should also mention that I have anxiety disorder, and I have been trying really hard to fight my anxiety without medication but all of this I feel like is going to bring on my attacks more and force me to be on my medication.

I'm sorry this is so long! Any help would be appreciated though

You sound like you are pretty young and very insecure. If you are on medication for anxiety, please start taking your medicine and go back and see your doctor if you don't feel any better.

You are not stuck as you put it. You just need to remember there are more fish in the sea and since he is away may I suggest you start dating other people and stop thinking about him as he sounds like he's not going to be tamed by you or anyone else in a big hurry.

Guys who keep going to strip clubs are big trouble.

Dear IShineBrighterr,
You will shine a lot brighter if you avoid any further contact with this person. You may be accustomed to him because you have made love to him and no one else, but he is not a good person. He is unfaithful, he lies, he humiliates you and makes fun of your legitimate objections to his terrible behavior, makes fun of your pain, or denies that you have feelings or are entitled to have them. How much worse would he have to be for you to leave him?

Has he ever pushed you or struck you? If not, I would not be surprised if that came next. This man has no respect for you and has made it clear that the only thing that matters is whatever gives him pleasure.

You are not in a relationship if you can't believe anything he says or count on him to care for you. I do not agree with you that he "loves" you. He shows no sign of respecting you or cherishing you. He is an emotional brute. The fact that you have been resilent enough to "get over" his hostility and cruelty to you so many times, is a measure of your own forgiving nature, not of ANY goodness in him. Many women would have dumped this man long ago or even done him some harm. Please don't hang around for any more of his cruelty.


My boyfriend didn't deny it, instead laughed it off like it wasn't a big deal because it was 6 months ago.. I was really hurt and upset over it, but eventually, I got over it.. .

... The other night when I found out he was lying and confronted him, he got mad at ME saying everyone lies and that its not a big deal because he hasn't even spoken to the girl since that night and that the girl knows all about me.

Everyone does NOT lie! But he does; he just lies and lies and lies. He has no honor or self respect. And then when you object or express the pain anyone would feel from having their partner (1) cheat on them and (2) repeatedly lie to them, he dismisses your feelings, as if you didn't matter and had no rights in the relationship.


Am I being over paranoid, or do I have a right to feel like this?

You are not paranoid. You are involved with a sociopath.


But I don't want to be made a fool of or be with someone who loves me, but also wants 50 random girls.

Yep. Most people would not want to be humiliated ("made a fool of") this way. Aside from his destroying your soul bit by bit, he may also be exposing you to all sorts of diseases.


I have absolutely no trust for him, which I know is a major issue, and I have no idea how to even begin gaining any for him.

Why is it a "major issue" that you don't trust him? He has lied over and over. It would be crazy to trust him! The help you need is the strength to walk away, the sooner the better.

Are you in any way afraid of him?

He's never hit me, but he has thrown things at me out of anger (nothing ever hit me though).. I'm not really scared of him hitting me, but I am scared of his temper and getting screamed at so it makes me walk on eggshells sometimes.. I guess I've known for awhile that I need to get out of it, but I always think of the good times and how sweet he is when things are going good.. Because it's not all bad.. He tell's me he lies to me to spare my feelings or to avoid arguments, and I know that's not a good excuse but then I end up getting over it..

I have been prescribed medication for the anxiety, but I'd rather not be dependent on medication.. I recently had a Professor who was also a therapist, teach me some exercises on how to control the attacks when I feel them coming on. I didn't mean to imply that my boyfriend is the main reason for my anxiety, because that's not the case.. I just meant that the whole situation definitely isn't helping.

And I'm not going to deny that I'm insecure, because I do have insecurity issues.. But I don't think I deserve to be lied to and made a fool out of.

I don't think there's any way to tell at this point how much of your insecurity and anxiety are due to your boyfriend's behavior. I agree that you need to find ways of dealing with those separately, whether you are with him or not. I don't have strong opinions one way or the other about the drugs. Use them if they help you, whether for a short period or longer. Don't use them if you don't feel they are safe or they make you feel worse in some way. I hope you are not avoiding them because of anything your boyfriend said, however. If you need them, consider using them. They are just a tool for making your life easier to deal with.

Your boyfriend does not have your interests at heart and he will likely emphasize your insecurity to you and try to persuade you that all your problems as a couple are due to your emotional problems. But it's much more likely the other way, that your anxiety is due to his mistreatment--even if you can't prove that or even know it for sure. It is reasonable to wonder if your boyfriend is contributing to your anxiety and insecurity. Most people would assume that he was.

His throwing things and shouting are forms of violence, but it is his emotional attacks (repeatedly cheating, frequently lying, and regularly dismissing you) that are probably most destructive to you. In my opinion you should leave him. I have been through the same--I married someone like this, although he didn't cheat as openly--and I had two kids with him, and he eventually began to hit me. He stopped hitting, but the verbal attacks never got any better. (short version)

I strongly recommend that you get out. Get in touch with friends and family who can support you at this difficult time. Read about emotional or verbal abuse (many people panic at the word "abuse." But if the shoe fits... ).

Verbal Abuse Self-Evaluation - Are You Being Verbally Abused? (http://www.verbalabuse.com/quiz2.shtml)
Quick Relationship Profile (http://www.drirene.com/quick.htm)

Also, and this is just a long shot, I hope that the professor who helped you with your anxiety is not behaving in any inappropriate ways. It's wonderful to get support from someone like that, but some professors get a little confused about boundaries with students. It's very easy to go from one relationship where someone is mistreating you straight into another one. Typically, people like your boyfriend start being almost too good to be true, wonderfully kind and thoughtful. So watch out for another man who comes into your life right now who is ready to "rescue" you from your boyfriend. I would hate to malign a perfectly innocent professor or friend of yours, but I felt I should at least acknowledge the possibility.

I do hope that you are able to get away from your boyfriend and start a new, happier life. I think you will find that life is much sweeter when you are away from him. Be strong! I am rooting for you! And others will too if you give them a chance. Take care of yourself, and if you have even the slightest worry about your boyfriend hurting you, take steps to protect yourself. Don't dismiss any fears as being unworthy or signs of your own anxiety. You are not paranoid! We've already established that. :) Good luck!

I agree with asking on a lot of the issues at hand. One thing I do recognize in his behavior is his tendency to be bipolar. A real diagnosis of the condition sometimes is not possible until the individual gets older, but he sure has all the classic signs of being one. If you would truly like to do yourself a favor, please don't pursue this relationship any further as it is not a relationship in the truest sense of the word and never will be. His violence will only escalate and he will start hitting and pounding on you as his inner rage comes out.

Please read a book about self esteem. You need to start understanding yourself now and just how you were able to have him run all over you like a steam roller with his antics of lying, cheating, etc.

It is not your fault as you just wanted a relationship. You need to change how you look at yourself or you will keep attracting the same kind of guy over and over again. I've seen it happen over and over with these guys. They are out there in droves and can sucker a nice lady like you in in no time with their sweetness and overattention. It's like they can see how nice you are and then they zero in on you like a vulture. Then once they have you "hooked" so to speak they have a wonderful time putting you through the wringer emotionally and sometimes physically.

It's not worth the heartache to have a relationship like this ever. It's much better to be nice to yourself and wait until you really meet a truly good, nice, geniune guy. It might take a bit longer than you'd like, but hang in there... he's out there waiting for you.

He is a compulsive/habitual liar. You need to get on with your life and forget him.
By now you should see it is going NO where! If he really wanted a relationship with you he would straighten up and settle down. He is leading you on to get what he can from you.
Avoid him and tell him you have a life of your own now and you don't want him messing it up with the lies.

You two are poison for each other, and all the love in the world, can't make you both happy with each other.

One of the hardest things to do in life is learning how to love yourself. Even when you do find out how there are times when life seems harder than others. If you can find some hobbies that you enjoy and learn more about yourself this will help. Everything you do in life begins within your own thoughts and feelings. Belief in yourself and find enjoyment in things that make you happy, then go do them.

What you focus your attention, energy, and thoughts on you will get. Try focusing your attention on things that make YOU happy, and stop focusing them on all the drama of you and your guy. A relationship should be just a bonus to a happy life that you can live yourself with or without a guy in it. Take baby steps and try it out - start focusing on something positive about yourself and about a hobby you enjoy- the more you do this the easier it will be and the happier your life will become.

I have trust issues myself and This is a clip of a movie that has helped me:
YouTube - The Secret: 1st 20 minutes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_b1GKGWJbE8)