Christmas has just passed and I am really hurt and disappointed in my boyfriend. We've been dating for 2 years. He lost 30 lbs and said he wanted new clothes for Christmas. I gave him sweaters, casual shirts, t-shirts, shoes and socks. One of the pairs of shoes were given to him by my sons. My boyfriend had asked me what I wanted for Christmas, so I gave him some suggestions of things I needed, athletic shoes, a purse, boots, jewelry box, and a sewing machine. I certainly didn't expect him to get me all items. He spent Christmas Eve with my sons and me. He bought my younger son spiderman toys (which he loves) and my older son dvds. They were both thrilled with his gifts. My boyfriend opened his gifts from us and was really happy. Then he handed me two presents and said he wanted me to open my other gifts at his parents' house the next day. He gave me stuffed dogs (a boxer and dachshund which I own) and I thought they were cute and thanked him. The next day at his parents', he hands me an unwrapped, open TIVO box. It was an extra TIVO that he has had for more than two years. I was really disappointed and embarrassed because his entire family knew he had it lying around. I am not a gold digger, and am proud of being an independent woman. However, it really disturbs and hurts me that he put very little effort and thought into my presents. I spent around $400 on his presents and I know the two stuffed toys he gave me could not have cost more than $60. My last birthday (which is new years day) he didn't even so much as give me a card. I didn't receive anything for Valentine's either. I am sure he heard the disappointment in my voice and "surprised" me later by arriving at my door with a flower pot he had just purchased from Walmart.

When we go out, he usually pays for me. I have picked up the check or paid for the movie tix too. I have noticed times when he ignored the bill at a restaurant. The first time we went out to breakfast with my dad, he did not even offer to pay for part of the bilL. When we've gone out with my friends, he acts like he doesn't see the bill and doesn't offer to pay any part of it... so I do and they have noticed. We've started doing things with my sons... but he never offers to pay. He'll suggest movies and I end up paying. We went to a winter carnival recently, I paid for food and rides. He didn't even offer my kids a candy apple or popcorn. He is a good person, but his cheapness/greediness is starting to get on my last nerve. He works for a good company, with a good salary, lives rent free in his parents' home, has no children therefore no child support, no car payment. He eats out every night. He has much more spending money than I, so I can't understand his behaviour. My birthday is coming up in a few days... and I expect to get nothing again. Any ideas?

Some people are just like that. You can nag him and show him your disappointment, that will get results. Those aren't the results you want though. Tell him what you see. Tell him that it bothers you. Ask him if there is some reason why he does not want to give back as much or more than he receives. Don't attack or give him a guilt trip. Just tell and ask.

I doubt that he will change. Compatibility is, in some part, an acceptance that another is just different than you. Are you willing to spend your life with a person who is like that?

Discuss this with him after 2 years a couple normally sits down and talk about how much they plan on spending to work a budget out for the gifts.
Did you tell him what you are telling us ?

Might be the way he was raised, and he never learned to give back in return? Certainly talk to him letting it know that it bothers you, and see what he says... as the other posts have mentioned.

For my understanding, if a man really loves a woman, it is normal that he is willing and happy to get her everything to make her happy,it is wired that he even does not pay for movies tickets and restaurant,and not give you surprising presents for important days like christmas,your birthday and valentiimes' day! What a cheap boyfriend! Have you tried only paying for your own part,let him pay for himself?if he still does not understand or pretend not understanding.Fire him! For me,if he tried to ignore the bill at first time, I would like to ignore him forever!

I agree that he seems really cheap... Makes me wonder why he is like that? It crossed my mind that his lack of financial involvement shows a "possible" self centerness or lack of involvement in the relationship. From what you have said about his other involvement, he does seem to care...

You mentioned that you are not a gold digger, That made me wonder if he is for some reason allowing you to be seen by others as not a gold digger... so people can't talk... or if he is just only focused on his own desires?

I think talking to him about it in a nice way might be an eye opener for him. I also hope that he had some other plan (such as a ring?) that he chickened out on or something? That might be just wishful thinking though, but I hope you both can work things out for your happiness.

Sounds like he is a bit stingy to me. Does he not know he should be picking up the tab for taking you to the movies, or out to eat?? I think it is way way past time you two sat and had a little chat.

I know someone who told her husband of several of her expectations that he had to do for their marriage to work. Only thing is, you may get just one opportunity for this tactic. It was not an ultimatum; it was more of a list of her expectations if he didn't want to hear her nagging. And he appears to have gotten the message.

He is letting his parents foot the bill for his living expense and he can spend money on himself but not on anyone one else or even pay his own way when he is out in a crowd. In my opinion he is looking for someone one to offset his living expense if /when the gig is up with mom and dad. In the future buy him cheap gifts and make him fork over his part of the bill and when you invite him over to eat feed him cheap food. See if he sticks around long.

Without assuming his finances, just get an understanding before going out. As to gifts and special occasions, talking about it clears the air, and stops resentments and dissappointments. Let him know, in a nice way your expectations, and then say when your dissapointed. After 2 years, you really should know each other well enough to communicate, and work together for the benefit of you both. Maybe he is cheap, and that's all it is to it. Talk it over.

Hello,

Talk to him. Share your feelings without blaming him. After all, he's free to do whatever he wants. All you're doing is telling him how it makes you feel. You're free to do whatever you want, too, so if you don't want to pay anymore, don't. If you don't want to buy him gifts, or want to buy him less expensive gifts, then do so. You can only control what you do, not what he does, but you can share your feelings. And if you want a healthy relationship with him, you MUST communicate, even when it's uncomfortable.

You might also want to explore, for yourself first, what the act of giving and receiving gifts means to you. It just may not mean the same thing to him at all. Or there may be some bigger issue that is hiding behind the money issue. You won't know until you get it all out in the open. Communication is the first step, then you'll know what you're dealing with and can move on from there.

Namaste,

Satina

If he has a good paying job but is not spending any of it on bills, rent, food, women, dating, children, etc, it is very likely he is using his money on drugs and alcohol and no amount of talking is going to change anything. You need to stop wasting your money on him. Why are you allowing him to drag you down into the poor house?

You need to get out.

AND DON'T LET HIM OR ANYONE FOOL YOU INTO BELIEVING THAT THERE ARE ALWAYS SIGNS OF ALCHOLISM OR DRUG ADDICTION. It is easy to hide addictions. Addicts spend all their energy hiding it. And anyone can be easily fooled.

Good point about wondering what he does use his money for, but she did say he eats out often. Gambling crosses my mind, or perhaps he is trying to become a millionaire? It's all guesses, but drugs never crossed my mind.

oneguyinohio

Yes! I agree with you! It could be gambling addiction. Definitely some type of addiction that he is hiding from everyone.

Could it just be social addiction? Eating at fancy places and buying fancy toys to keep up with the Jones's?

If it is the case of keeping up with the Jone's he wouldn't be living at home. He would at least have his own place.

Not sure eating out explain where all of his money is going. He is too cheap to be spending all of his money on food. He might be eating out as an excuse to go out and take care of his addictions.

It's a serious addiction.

If he is eating all three of his meals and spending $30 ($10 a meal) a day on food that makes it $900 a month on food. $30 dollars x 30 days equals $900 a month on eating out. He is too cheap to spend that much money on food.

Even $300/month on food, more on clothing and a lot of electronic gadgets and toys would be a lot of money, and at any rate he does seem to be focused only on himself... as in a spoiled selfish brat type of individual.

Let him know this bothers you, really bothers you. Right now he is doing what you have allowed for two years.
He sounds really cheap to me and being cheap and living with your parents at his age would make me wonder. But that's just me.
Talk to the man let him know how you feel. He either cares enough to explain his actions and try to fix things or he won't. Good luck.

Post made in error

there are worse ways to break up. She could have taken your money with her. Beat you up. Cut your tires up. Left you for another guy.

Be glad all she did was break up with e-mail.

I think it's more than how she broke up but that she hurt your feelings for dumping you. It's natural to feel hurt and sad when dumped. Watch some sports or a movie you enjoy or something else you enjoy. Soon you won't even remember her.
Say what?

Sorry posted that in the wrong place.

Since your going together and not married, maybe your expectations of how he spends his money is to high, and simply communicating, would be your best option. Living with mom, maybe he helps her out, and is saving for retirement. Actually, its his business, but its your to express your concerns.

I would strongly advice to anyone who is thinking about getting married to request to see your future partner's financial statements. You have a right to know what they are doing with all of their income. Make sure he is not wasting it on drugs, alcohol or gambling. You don't want to have to end up being responsible for someone else's bills.


Don't just take his or anyone's word that he is spending it on his mother or saving it. Demand proof.


The boyfriend could be saving it but the girlfriend better see proof before she ditches out any more of her money. Girlfriend needs to keep her money in the bank also.

Not to play devil's advocate but how aware are you of his financial situation? Maybe he has expenses that you aren't aware of? Also, maybe he exaggerates his "good salary" with his "good company" in an attempt to impress you. Does he have to pay for his own health insurance? How about saving for retirement? These days, fewer and fewer "good companies" offer such things to their employees. Thereby making them pay for them themselves. Also, you yourself said you pride yourself on "being an independent woman." He probably looks at that as "letting him off the hook", so to speak (one of the downsides of feminism, in my opinion.) Either way you look at it, it doesn't sound like you or anyone else is going to change him. He is who he is. You need to decide whether that's something you can live with. Obviously I don't know the whole picture but I will say that there are many character traits that are far worse than what you've described here.

He should stay home and not go out to a restaurant if he can't afford to pay.

He should not be eating off anyone.

If he has other expenses and can't afford to eat out, he should stay home and not eat out.


He should not be spending beyond his means and he shouldn't expect anyone else to either. Why is he spending beyond his means?


If he can't afford to spend a lot of money on christmas presents, he should say so. If he was a thoughtful and considerate person, he would tell her not too spend too much on his Christmas present. But instead he stays quiet and hope that she will spend a lot of money on him.

Money problems are a big problem. Money problems are a serious problem. A lot of people get divorced over money problems so this is a big and very serious issue.

It sounds like he is just cheap,he has never had to put out for other people. After 2 years he should be more aware of your feelings. If he does not do right for your birthday,it may be time to "kick him to the curb!"

I think you should drop him - you can do without that type of behavior