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aanthonyy
Aug 18, 2007, 09:15 AM
Has anybody else here been in a similar situation. It would be comforting to know that I am not alone...


I am just out of a three year relationship with a controlling narcessist and phew I am having a tough time adjusting and getting my life back on track.

He was a man with very few friends and was socially a bit of an oddball. I never showed him enough love, never showed him enogh affection, and hated it if I ever used the work 'I' instead of 'we' - and to be honest with his need for his sense of identity and self worth so engrained in how I made him feel, that need was total.

Despite having a gut feeling even in the early month of the relationship that this was not right, he showered me with gifts and overwhelming attention and adoration. He wanted to give up his job and get married to me within 1 month!! I at the time was out of a 7 year relationship and really not wanting another - I am sure he saw my vulnerability and made full use of his insight.

There is nothing he would not do - 24/7. However the payback he wanted from me was total. He undermined my family my friends my decisions my career, till eventually I got dependent upon him and lost myself.

Feeling lower and more drained and being ill half of the time I went to see a relationship councillor (on his advice). He thought it was all my problem (with intimacy and emotions) and that he could fix me somehow - through from day one with the councillor my intention was to understand the addiction of this relationship and work out how to find myself again and escape from it.

I ended it last year and can only descibe the feeling a heroin addict might have when coming off their drug. That said the world is changing in a good way - I am happier, my health is much better, I have my friends and family back and I can see how this man over 3 years eroded me so subtly and gently that my sense of self, myself esteem, myself worth was (almost) shattered.

Thank god I got out. He since has met a Brtazilian needing a UK passport who moved in with him after a month and are getting married. AT first I found that very painful - now I am see him for completely who he is and always was and feel thankful that he is now somebody else's problem. He stayed in touch even after meeting the Brazilian, telling me it was all my fault for not loving him enough, how he still loves me blah blah - after weeks of this - which was hindering my recovery I hit back telling him I never loved him and was in for it for the sex. He was FURIOUS - told me nobody will ever love me like he did and that I am completely f**ked up... Since then I have been left in peace to concentrate on me again - my work my life my friends

I am angry with myself for not dealing with the vulnerability that the pain from the previous relationship caused - which I know left me wide open for him to tap into. I am angry that I did not trust my gut instinct and ended in a month in. I am angry that I allowed him to change much about me - making me feel so low, so unlovable, so worthless.

Still everything in life happens for a reason, and I have learned so much in the past 3 months being single. So rather than seeing him as completley bad - I see him as the bringer of a gift - a life lesson. A tough lesson for sure, but one I obviously needed to learn...

Has anybody else here been in a similar situation. It would be comforting to know that I am not alone...

stilllearning
Aug 18, 2007, 11:47 AM
I have been in the a similar situation. My girlfriend and me of 12 years split up 3 weeks ago.

The first 6 years of our relationship was a mess. I was jealous controlling and didn't show her attention. However I began to feel better about myself and really backed off.

When things settled down a little (still lots of outside drama going on) I noticed things that didn't seem right that she always did. She always bought me gifts, and would get jealous when I went to friends.

But 2 years ago when we moved together is when it got bad. Little things like when I would go into a room that she was in, without fail she would wait until I left to room to call me back for nothing at all. I would be on the computer every time she walked by she would have to stop and touch me or say something that was not important. She would not let me do anything on my own. As in putting away the groceries, putting together a new piece of furniture. Anything I did she was on my back. She is the one that left. All this seems stilly but after 12 years of it I had become like you said very dependent on her. I was also very jumpy and had a hard time talking to her without stutter for fear of saying the wrong thing. And now it appears she is stringing me along. She still doesn't know what she wants to do.

This breakup for me has been the worst thing to happen in my life. I spent 4-5 days throwing up/dryheaving. 3 hours of sleep a night. Eating 1 time a day. I called in from work last night and cried for 3 hours and had to accept the fact that she can only care so much. She has put up a big wall since the breakup so that now makes this all my fault. Well I'm starting to see through that.

Im wasn't perfect at all. But I can see that a lot of my aggravation towards her was her clingyness she was so good at it. She never showed her hand or lost her cool. She would just pout and walk away. She didn't want to deal with the problem. She liked it just as it was. Me the bad guy and her dealing with an annoyed boyfriend.

I had spent 3 years in therapy working on myself and I was starting to get serious about the relationship and was really feeling lonely because I knew that while she was there she really wasn't.

If we are going to work out. There will have to be big changes and right now she is to busy running from her issues to even worry about me. Sucks bad.

aanthonyy
Aug 19, 2007, 03:03 AM
Sounds to me that she has as much of a problem as you do - though you are facing your demons while she is burying hers. I really feel for you man. I also went to therapy (on the advice of my ex) and was accused of being all sorts of things which I understand now was her projecting much of her crap onto me. She was the one who needed therapy!

I find it really strage to think that all the things she called me and accused me of being during our time together were in fact who she was. All of my friends and family see none of the things she accused me of being within me - in fact nobody has ever accused me of any of the things that she did. At the time I thought what a load of rubbish - but when you hear it day in and day out for over 3 years it does have an effect. It undermined my sense of worth and respect as an individual as she was NEVER interested in who I was and what I wanted, only what she wanted for US to be.

I found that I had a hard time talking about anything that I did or enjoyed. It was almost a complete conversation stopper... Unless the conversation was about us, or something which she was interested in - there really was very little to talk about. She NEVER ever asked whether I had had a good time doing anything I did on my own. I would come home from a weekend away and hear only about what she had been up to (or not).

I never felt more bored, trapped and lonely in the relationship. The only excitement was the blow ups. What makes it really difficult is that I was used to huge rushes of addrenalin daily in this relationship. That is what makes it so difficult to move on. I still get the rush from time to time yet am alone, which makes me think about her again and fool myself into thinking I am missing her. I am not - my brain is missing the rush. Is important to realise this.

It sounds as though you having a really bad time of it and it will probably take you some time to get yourself back together after this. Think of a time when you were happy and content in your life before meeting her. You will get to that place again. Promise. Some days I am more of less there. Best thing to do is NO CONTACT. Play straight down the line with her.

s_cianci
Aug 19, 2007, 08:04 AM
It sounds like you have a good grip on the situation. Knowing the mistakes you made is crucial to not repeating them and, as you yourself say, I think you've learned a lot as a result of this experience. I've dated narcisstic women in the past and it is a very taxing, draining experience. I'ts virtually impossible to deal with anyone who thinks that it's all about them, on any level, personal or professional. Be thankful that you're now free of him and continue working on yourself.

lioness123
Aug 22, 2007, 09:49 PM
Being w/a narcissist is like being emotionally paralyzed. It is simply a horrible and lonely place to be because you feel isolated and alone.

I have been going off and on for the past 8 years w/ my narcissist and FINALLY, over the past few days, I really think I'm on my way to recovery... especially when I suspect that he is bi-sexual.

His constant need for attention, admiration, sex (from other people), lies, breaking dates, blaming me for the downfall of his marriage (I met him 8 years ago and he was separated), the downfall of our relationship, stories of him hitting other women, and every other text book description, has finally exhausted me. I am tired. I am worn down. I am still vulnerable but I will work through this.

aanthonyy
Aug 24, 2007, 03:52 AM
What I find and still find amazing is how unaware they really are. How they really think that they are gods gift to mankind and how unwavering they are in this belief.
The only way I have found any kind of peace from this is by telling myself that he was wrong for me. End of... I wish you luck...

GlindaofOz
Aug 24, 2007, 06:15 AM
My father and my grandmother were both classified narcissists (my father is also a sociopath). What you have to remember with everything is that YOU are in fact the sane one in the room. Which can be hard to remember because the stuff they come up with in regards to self and self behavior is frankly bat sh!t crazy.

My family and I used to try to figure out their actions and why they did the things that they did. A few years ago we realized it was a complete exercise in futility. That a group of normal minded people trying to figure out the action of crazy people was going to get nowhere but up a wall.

To be honest I am thankful for both of those people being in my life because I recognize that type of behavior in a millisecond and can walk away. It taught me a lot about trying to understand someone's actions that sometimes there is no good explanation for why people do the things they do.

talaniman
Aug 24, 2007, 07:59 AM
Mark it down that you ran into a nut, and it was a messy trying relationship, and your lucky to get out. If you learned your lesson, you won't repeat that mistake again. There are all kinds of nuts in the world, and they look good too, so be cautious who you get hooked up with.

lioness123
Aug 24, 2007, 11:19 AM
Just when I think I'm out of the woods, he calls the day after our last blow out fight, asks me again if I want to go to France to meet his family, I say "sure", he said he will look into it and get back to me. That was 2 nights ago and from what I understand, he wanted to leave on Saturday... today is Friday. It's another game of manipulation, cruelty, and just plain spiteful behavior. On the upside, I haven't called him to see what the plans are and nor will I!

aanthonyy
Aug 25, 2007, 07:00 AM
I always thought that much of what he said did not make sense. How would one want to move in with each other after a few weeks? WHy would one want to get married after a couple of months? I just saw it as plain needy and withheld. This had an awful effect.
Manipulation, control, cruelty, verbal attack, telling me I was emotionally f***ed up. I certainly was after 3 years of it. I was the cold robot he described. His utter selflessness had made me horribly codependent. Ontop of which he had v v little else in his life. I encouraged him to go out, find interests and make friends. That fell on deaf ears, or he would end up with someone else...
Last time I spoke with him he said that he had become a horrible person while with me and that I was 'his little god who he worshipped and loved'. I suggested that he did nothing for the betterment of our relationship and that I did not believe that he ever loved me as I do not think he knows the meaning of the word. He said if that is what you need to believe then so be it?///// It SO SO SO annoying as what I saw when with him was a man who swang between a hugly child like state when he was not in control, and a domeneering father when in control. Now he has a new partner all I get is someone who sounds v v strong on the phone projecting everything onto me...

lioness123
Aug 25, 2007, 11:17 AM
Sooooooooooooo, he finally called. It's been 2 days. He called me at 6:17am this morning... I was very excited. UNTIL, he told me he was depressed, sobbing, and misses his ex-girlfriend and his dogs! I asked him why he was calling ME to tell me this and he said, "You're right, I'm probably calling the wrong person but I thought you were a friend."

Of course I lashed out telling him I wasted 8 years of my life waiting for him to wake up and see ME, that I can't handle him calling me about his other girlfriends (there have been other calls he's made to me as well) , and that I am deeply hurt. His response was, "This is not about you, it's about how I miss my dogs and Diana --SHE WORSHIPPED ME and I let that all go!! ... she won't take my calls because she was pregnant and I wasn't there for her when she had an abortion --just like my ex-wife--I am so sad."

The sad part of this is that all I can think is that he's gotten everyone else pregnant and not me. What is wrong with me?

If any of you knew me, you would be very perplexed as to how someone like this is even in my life. I want him dead. Getting over someone who has died is much easier than getting over a f'n narcissistic, socio-pathic,

ordinaryguy
Aug 28, 2007, 02:56 PM
OK aanthonyy, I'm completely confused. In your original post, your ex is a HE:


I am just out of a three year relationship with a controlling narcessist and phew I am having a tough time adjusting and getting my life back on track.

He was a man with very few friends and was socially a bit of an oddball. I never showed him enough love, never showed him enogh affection, and hated it if I ever used the work 'I' instead of 'we' - and to be honest with his need for his sence of identity and self worth so engrained in how I made him feel, that need was total.
Then in your response to stilllearning, he morphs into a SHE:

I also went to therapy (on the advice of my ex) and was accused of being all sorts of things which I understand now was her projecting much of her crap onto me. She was the one who needed therapy!

I find it really strage to think that all the things she called me and accused me of being during our time together were infact who she was. All of my friends and family see none of the things she accused me of being within me - infact nobody has ever accused me of any of the things that she did.
Then in your response to lioness123, it's back to HE:

The only way I have found any kind of peace from this is by telling myself that he was wrong for me.

Whichever it is, you and everybody else who's posted with similar stories are lucky to be rid of a person like that. Master manipulators usually learn the craft as a child, being taught by a parent who was an expert.

aanthonyy
Aug 29, 2007, 07:42 AM
It was a HE - though an IT would be a better description. He refused to speak of his father or his childhood or his past relationships, and spent the entire relationship working out my weak spots and which buttons to press. Then accused me of being manipulative and crazy,, He did have 2 siblings - one twin sister - and a younger sister who had a long term illness and died. All I know is that he hated his father.

airica1055
Dec 17, 2008, 08:51 PM
aanthonyy,

I am currently going through a separation with a narcissist after 16 years of marriage. I can't believe that I just realized what he was and why he hurt me so.

I have been through HELL with this man. Countless affairs, countless jobs, losing a house, losing my mental stability and therefore not able to function at work. They are ruthless in their effort to feed their insecurities and narcissism.

I questioned for years why, why, why? How can someone be so cold? I blamed myself for the way that he was feeling and just chugged on. But this only enabled him to not have to look at himself.

In July of this year, he decided to get a job in New Jersey, but we live in Missouri. This is not the first time he has done this. He has been so unstable over the years, he has burnt all of his bridges in Missouri, so he could not find a job.

Everyone, but me saw this move again as him abandoning his family. But again, he convinced himself and me that this was the best thing for the family. The problem with them is that the Narcissist is so wrapped up in what they believe no matter how crazy it looks or seems to other people, that if they can get a cheerleader (which would be me) they somehow justify it in their minds that what they are doing is right.

A month after he left, I found that he was more and more distant with me on the phone. This caused me to check the phone bill to investigate if there was anything going on. Of course he was so bold and so sloppy on the cell phone bill that is my name and that I pay, that there were phone calls late at night and after work hours to a New Jersey phone number. I called the number and low and behold, it was a woman's voice on voicemail. To make a long story short, I left the woman a voicemail asking her about the nature of her relationship with him, she called back and confessed that he said he was going through a divorce. I confronted him and instead of confessing, he completely avoided my phone calls and didn't return any response for 4 days.

Once he did respond, it was by email, with angry words telling me I have never trusted him and that there is no room in his life for distrust and to only contact him about our son or business. He completely avoided any responsibility or remorse.

That was my wake up call. I cried and almost committed suicide through prescribed sleeping pills and was almost admitted into a mental institution. It was at that point that I realized he was not worth my life or to not be a mother to my son. I am not sure what your wake up call was, but that was mine. I shut off his phone and he blew my home phone up demanding that I was hurtful for turning his phone off. That was all he cared about, not me!!

After that, I had already lost 30 pounds due to the stress he caused me. I needed to lose weight but not that way. I started to take pride in my appearance again through support from my family and friends. I got confidence in myself and that I was capable and valuable enough to be loved by a good man. I stopped all communication for him, even though he got his own phone service and left me and my son a voicemail with the knew number. Then he started to call me after his friends saw me out looking better than ever, telling me how hurt he was that I was getting over a 16-year marriage so quickly.

I let him back in by letting him come into my home for Thanksgiving. I slept with him and let him control my mind only to find that when he thought he had me... he started the same emotional abuse he was so used to doing to me as before.

Now I have told him ENOUGH. He wanted to come back for Christmas to stay for good. I have not heard from him via phone for 5 days. That is his mind control... a way for him to get me to go back to the same co-dependent I was. I have changed and I am stronger now. I don't need him. It is sad that I let him back in and underestimated the power of a Narcissist. But my strength comes from the fact that I realized after too many years that I deserve better. Now I am back in recovering the affair. But I know that I and my son do not deserve this. I have strength that I have not had in 16 years. And I have stopped all communication again and know that God will give me the strength to get me to the place that I need again... which is free of this Narcissistic Man.

I may have set myself back a few steps, but please know I am again on my path to recovery and will make it through for the sake of myself and my son. YOU ARE STRONG if you have a heart, which I can tell you do... don't under any circumstances question your intuition or the fact that you deserve so much more... which is peace of mind!!

Hopefully this long-winded story helps you...

You are in my prayers, but you can do it!!

Airica1055