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May 2, 2008, 07:39 PM
Is it true that you can't love another again until you're completely healed from a previous relationship? I'm wondering because I hear people say on this forum that's normal to sometimes take up to a year to get over a long term relationship. And some even longer. I can't imagine not getting out there and at least trying to date around before then. And if you were with someone for a significant amount of time and very much loved the person, won't you always feel a certain amount of love for that person for the rest of your life. Do you really need to be completely out of love with an ex to be able to love another?
For example, my friend's marriage broke up after 10 years together. She very much loved her ex and was hurt and cried for about 3 months. About 7 months after her divorce she met and fell in love with a new guy. She still had very unsettled feelings with her ex (ie. Love, anger, sadness) but somehow she managed to love the new guy and now they've been together for 5 years.
So, I'm just wondering what your thoughts are? I don't want to rush myself, but the idea of having to be COMPLETELY out of love with my ex before being able to give my heart to someonelse seems like it would take a really really long time.
May 2, 2008, 08:05 PM
I think its different for every individual.. at the moment I'm feeling quite vulnerable.. and I'm wanting to jump into something new with someone.. im wanting to love again.. so Im guessing that the next person I'm going to be with Im going to feel for deeply..
But what will probably happen is if I'm with that hypothetical person, after 2-3 months things will clear up and they may not be as they seem.. and ill probably not feel the same..
So I'm just taking this slowly.. weighing my options.. Summer is coming.. beaches,night clubs,people.. we can put relationship fantasies on hold for now right? :]
May 2, 2008, 08:23 PM
Yeah, I definitely don't want to jump into anything with anyone and honestly, wouldn't be any good to anyone else right now that wanted something serious.
Yes, the summer was made for being single and free so I'm looking forward to just having a fun eventful summer.
But I was thinking that within keeping NC by after the summer, I might actually be able to imagine really being in a relationship with someone new. But then I read some posts on this site, and there are people who have been broken up for 6-12 months and are still hurting and I think, "god, is that really going to happen me?"...
Honestly, I know I need to grieve for a bit (its been about 6 weeks) but I don't want to spend another year of my life thinking about this past 4 years relationship. Guess I just don't want to feel that I'm going to wind up wasting 5 years. But you're right, I guess its different from person to person. I'm going to keep being strong and confident.
If anything, I came out of this breakup feeling more confident than ever. The only pain I feel is the loss, the love (I don't know what to do with this love I have to give), and just plain old missing him. But I don't feel bad about myself at all. So I guess that's a good sign.
May 3, 2008, 12:52 AM
I feel the same way. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years and he was my first and only true love. I found out he was cheating. I'm now trying to put back the pieces of MY own life together so I can become a better person who doesn't need a man in her life to make her happy. It's sooooo hard! But I think I'm going to have to do NC for awhile. Every time I talk to my ex I want him back so much but I make myself ignore all of his pleas and pitiful attempts to win me back. You should read the book "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg B. its an awesome book that sums up what you should and should not accept in any relationship(new or old). It made me realize all the mistakes I was making by staying with my ex. I plan on reading another Greg B book "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" very soon lol. The title is pretty self explanitory. But I really love his books and they help me a lot to get through this tough time. My heart goes out to you and all I can suggest is be careful, don't rush into things with anyone new, and think of all the things you didn't like about your ex. Try to avoid them in any new people you meet. That's all I can think of :)
May 3, 2008, 02:19 AM
I don't know that it's possible to ever be completely out of love for someone with whom you were really, truly in love. For instance, there have been many women in the past who I dated and with whom I was also in love. Do I still love some of them? Yes. Do some of them still love me? Yes. But, for one reason or another our lives took different paths...
I think that if you have been in a long-term relationship and if there were some issues with yourself in relation to the other person, that might have lead to the break-up, that it would be a good idea to wait at least a number of months before becoming seriously involved with someone else in order to give yourself time to heal, analyze and also work on improving yourself for the next relationship to be successful.
I'm not trying to point that only one person is at fault when a relationship goes bad. But, relationships take maintenance, work, give and take as well as time on the part of each person. Each situation is different and what worked with one person may not work with the next one. For a person to heal and do the self-examination, discovery and analysis for how things could be better could take a number of months to a number of years. It just all depends...
Some people are "seekers." They just have to have someone all of the time in order to feel complete. Others take their time and work on being complete in themselves so that someday, they might be a positive, proactive partner with someone else whereby the two of them help to nurture each other's growth - mentally, physically and spiritually, both in and outside the relationship rather than the relationship being based on a dependency because one of the partners is not quite as independent and complete as they could be.
Water seeks it's own level. It is a basic law of physics. It's the same way with people. People that are more complete and confident, are more likely to attract those that are the same.
My point is that it's possible and okay for a person to be in love with multiple people and to move on with one's life after facing and trying to overcome the challenges of a relationship. When you take vows/make promises and make a commitment to a certain person though, it's a trust with another that should not and hopefully will never be broken. How you prepare for such a relationship and to be successful at it, depends on how you have prepared, based upon the experiences that you have already had; how complete and confident with yourself and also how much you also love you!
May 3, 2008, 09:01 AM
I guess that's thing. I was 100% committed to my ex. We never had issues with infidelity, trust, etc. The things that normally break a couple apart. It was simply incompatibility resulting from bad timing in our lives. I was in one place and he was in another. I was willing to put in the work to make it work since again I was 100% committed. Guess now, I realize he wasn't 100% committed to us. Looking back now, I guess I can see how immature he was ( I'm 5 years older than he).
I just hope when the time comes I can trust someone again to truly believe they are 100% committed to me and not just in the good times but in the bad too. I don't want to waste another 4 years of my life on someone who wound up "being confused".
May 3, 2008, 09:35 AM
The main thing we often forget in a relationship, is to love ourselves enough to keep a proper balance in our lives, and to love ourselves enough to know what we want from our own lives, and our partner. To often we get caught up in the emotions, and the intense feelings we have, but we lack the maturity, experience, or coping skills, that are required to make the good decisions, and rational thought and actions to honestly evaluate our situations. That's why we pay with hurt feelings, and broken hearts, until we learn about ourselves, and the world. Just to be clear, you never stop learning.
Balancing our lives requires not making some one your whole life, or entire focus, nor depend on them to make us happy. That is our responsibility.
May 3, 2008, 09:43 AM
Tal - You're so right. If anything, that's what NC is helping me figure out. You know the first 2 years it was him really putting forth effort to make me happy and me returning that equally, and then some where along the scale got imbalanced. I made him and his feelings more of a priority in my life than I did my own. The more he started drifting to one side the more I tried to make up for the difference. And when my efforts weren't reciprocated, where did it get me? Back to myself. I'll never put out so much more than I'm getting in return. My self-worth, self-value at least has gone up since the break-up. I put up with more in that relationship than I should have. I mean, I did try to express my feelings, but they just didn't seem to matter anymore towards the end. I became a seemingly insignificant item in his life. It had become a very one-sided relationship the last year and that's unfair. And that, I will no longer sit back and allow.
May 3, 2008, 10:09 AM
I don't want to waste another 4 years of my life on someone who wound up "being confused".
Guess I just don't want to feel that I'm going to wind up wasting 5 years
After all this learning you are doing, do you really consider the last four years of your life a waste? Sure, what you had was gone, but the lessons you learned, the memories you have, and the times you shared will always be with you. Those four years were, and still are, what you make of them.
Gone -- maybe, Waste -- I don't think so.
May 3, 2008, 10:31 AM
Yeah, I def don't look at it is a waste really. Just a little bit of underlying anger still seeping through my veins. But you're right. It wasn't a waste. There are a lot of good memories... and I definitely learned a lot about what's it really like to have unconditional love for someone. Something I never experienced before but know now that I'm capable of doing.
May 3, 2008, 11:29 AM
Sep 29, 2009, 04:28 PM
I was married for 10 years, but much of that consisted of us drawing away from each other. Though it was hard to make the decision to get divorced (and he did not support that decision at all), since the previous 2 years had basically been a separation, it was a huge relief. I have been with my boyfriend now for almost 4 months. Once we made the decision to get divorced and were living in different states, I didn't feel any need to wait. Though I will always care for my ex and want him to be happy, the love I had for him had been altered and diminished greatly over a long time. I didn't feel I had to "get over him". In face, I had to "get over the dream of my marriage lasting forever" before I COULD leave him and seek happiness elsewhere. There is no way I can tell for sure where this current relationship will end up, and there are moments where I wonder if I had no idea what to do with myself as a single person and so jumped into something. But then I realize that perhaps I am over-analyzing. My boyfriend is such a gift and I am enjoying him for who he is and who we are together.
Anyway, I DO think it makes a difference with how the separation/break up came to be and how much emotional stuff you have to get through. I don't think you ever stop loving someone if you truly loved them in the first place. But I also think love changes over time and with the decisions people make. Relationships can come at all levels of commitment and support--not every one has to lead to marriage or be for that purpose. I mean, if someone comes your way and makes you happy, maybe it is worth the risk? My only caution would be that it does end up becoming an obsession or undermining your sense of security---it should makes things better, not worse!
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