My brother is 4 years older than me.

Our family was very close (loving parents, no abuse, very normal). When I was very small, I knew my brother never wanted to be around me. He would want to go anywhere I wasn't. I adored my brother and wanted his attention so badly I would do anything to make him like me. He never liked me. My mom said it was because he was older.

When I was 3 or 4 my brother tried several times to have play sex. Although I don't think there was any penetration (can't remember). Even though I didn't know how babies were made, ironically, from age 4 to 13, I thought I was pregnant (because I had a little bump of fat on my belly). I kept thinking throughout my life that the baby was dead inside of me but I couldn't tell anyone. When I was 13, my brother asked to see me naked several times and touch me. He asked me to touch him. When he wanted to have more physical stuff I said no. Again, because I always wanted his attention I would do anything. I became depressed after this. I ended up becoming anorexic later that year (which ended up lasting through age 19).

I was hospitalized for anorexia and bulimia and this 'secret' accidentally came out and my parents found out. The hospital told my parents and they were going to contact authorities because I was still a minor. My mom begged me to recant because it would be in the press and it would also affect my brother's record and my parents were very disbelieving... although my dad probably believed me. My brother visited me asking what he could do but soon after he just denied it and so no one ever mentioned it again. Somehow they were able to not report it. (my brother later became a police officer and luckily that wasn't on his record).

Through this time, my brother would say things to my parents about me (inferring that I am crazy or I am a loser of sorts), so out of wanting to be perfect, I tried to do everything I could to be better. I even excelled at things no one else did at a very young age. I never did drugs, never drank, got high degrees by the age of 21.

Now that I am in my 20s, my brother still comes around and says things that are aweful, like insults, left and right from the fact that I don't know how to cook to the way I decide on buying a nice car without any research. The thing is he never got to know me and over the last few years I became rebellious (any time he tried to lecture me, I would stick up for myself, which made him more insulting and cruel).

My best friend committed suicide and I tried to reach out to him to help me from the law enforcement side (we thought she was missing and it was to get info because we were not learning the details). He didn't return any of my calls. Later we found her dead and I tried calling him again. I was desperate and I was devastated.

A few weeks later, and recently lost our mom (tragically and suddenly) and I moved back with my father to help with things and my brother keeps telling him 'you know how my sister is... ' inferring I'm less than good. All he sees are my reactions to his aweful insults and he continues to berate me and humiliate me even when I try to not talk to him or ignore him. He gets in my face and talks until I reply or such.

On my own I tried to get counseling, went to two different doctors but both knew my family and made that known to me right away so I couldn't tell them this part of what is really bothering me.

Now my brother has a new thing saying I need counseling. He goes around telling everyone that I need to be counseled. The more he says it the more 'crazy' I get. I don't know how to control my emotions... so recently I have been saying to him 'well I am crazy because of you abusing me'. Then I've had a few emotional outbursts with my father and in it I scream out things like, 'what kind of father were you for allowing him to do that and now you side with him'. My poor father!

I feel aweful afterwards because it has been such a secret for so many years. I don't want this to come out. I have been good about not bringing it up at all... but because he keeps on me and taunting me and criticising me with hurtful nasty comments, Its getting harder to keep this a secret.

Now I can't get counseling. My family is in show biz and something like this would be leaked so fast and would be devastating for all of us. My brother wants me to get counseling, but I am sure he is confident I would not bring this up.

Lately, I have suicidal thoughts from time to time. 99% of the time I am happy but this little dirty secret is killing me the other 1% of the time. I have NO ONE to talk to about it and I can not trust any one at all with this. Its just not something I can do.

I need to know how to cope with this continued 'verbal abuse' from my brother and be able to get over the past.

Thank you so kindly in advance and sorry this is so long.

Hello Scarlet Girl,

It sounds as though your brother is a sexual predator. Your eating disorder is a direct result of you being abused.

Your brother is sick, however he has managed to turn his sickness around and is making you look like you are the one with the problem.

I'm sure that you are not the only person that has been a victim of his abuse.

He also sounds narcissistic to me.

I highly recommend counseling. You need to tell someone about this. You need to get some help for yourself.

You are the victim here.

Blackshield,

I agree with you partly. Of course the victim here is scarlet girl but the problem with her brother may have a deeper explanation that just him being a sexual predator.

I personally think that after reflecting upon the fact that you (scarlet girl) told your parents about the abuse, your brother feels intense regret - memories coming back to haunt him.

He is probably letting steam off by insulting you, but not because he really despises you. I think he is mad at himself and has no way of getting rid of his shame.

Maybe you should talk to him about the issue, confront him with it and really get to the bottom of it.

You should also take into consideration that maybe your brother wasn't intentionally trying to abuse you - if he was 17 maybe it was puberty playing up and he had no one else to have sexual experiences with. If that is really the case, you can't really blame your brother, because he would have been innocent if he didn't know what he was doing.

That might seem less of a reasonable explanation, but it could be true.

Don't let the past run your present for you - you control your mood, not your bad memories.

Take care,

-Xm8

Report him, now, if statue of limitation of over, well they can't do anything but you come clean with it.

Sue him for the cost of your medical treatment in any case.

And don't go anywhere he is at, don't talk to him and don't allow him near you, get a restraining order if he does.

And why can't you go to a mental health counselor that "knows" your family, they by law can't disclose anything you tell them. But if not, find a doctor who you don't know. The fact is you have to reach out and get help.
** I would get the professoinal help before I would do my suggestioins above, to be sure that is their idea also, but people that come to me as a victim have to learn to stand up to the idea and fight back.

My brother is 4 years older than me.

Our family was very close (loving parents, no abuse, very normal). When I was very small, I knew my brother never wanted to be around me. He would want to go anywhere I wasnt. I adored my brother and wanted his attention so badly I would do anything to make him like me. He never liked me. My mom said it was because he was older.

When I was 3 or 4 my brother tried several times to have play sex. Although I dont think there was any penetration (can't remember). Even though I didnt know how babies were made, ironically, from age 4 to 13, I thought I was pregnant (because I had a little bump of fat on my belly). I kept thinking throughout my life that the baby was dead inside of me but I couldnt tell anyone. When I was 13, my brother asked to see me naked several times and touch me. He asked me to touch him. When he wanted to have more physical stuff I said no. Again, because I always wanted his attention I would do anything. I became depressed after this. I ended up becoming anorexic later that year (which ended up lasting through age 19).

I was hospitalized for anorexia and bulimia and this 'secret' accidentally came out and my parents found out. The hospital told my parents and they were going to contact authorities because i was still a minor. My mom begged me to recant because it would be in the press and it would also affect my brother's record and my parents were very disbelieving... altho my dad probably believed me. my brother visited me asking what he could do but soon after he just denied it and so no one ever mentioned it again. Somehow they were able to not report it. (my brother later became a police officer and luckily that wasnt on his record).

Through this time, my brother would say things to my parents about me (inferring that I am crazy or I am a loser of sorts), so out of wanting to be perfect, I tried to do everything I could to be better. I even excelled at things no one else did at a very young age. I never did drugs, never drank, got high degrees by the age of 21.

Now that I am in my 20s, my brother still comes around and says things that are aweful, like insults, left and right from the fact that i dont know how to cook to the way i decide on buying a nice car without any research. The thing is he never got to know me and over the last few years I became rebellious (any time he tried to lecture me, I would stick up for myself, which made him more insulting and cruel).

My best friend committed suicide and I tried to reach out to him to help me from the law enforcement side (we thought she was missing and it was to get info because we were not learning the details). He didnt return any of my calls. Later we found her dead and I tried calling him again. I was desperate and I was devastated.

A few weeks later, and recently lost our mom (tragically and suddenly) and i moved back with my father to help with things and my brother keeps telling him 'you know how my sister is...' inferring i'm less than good. All he sees are my reactions to his aweful insults and he continues to berate me and humiliate me even when i try to not talk to him or ignore him. he gets in my face and talks until i reply or such.

On my own I tried to get counseling, went to two different doctors but both knew my family and made that known to me right away so I couldnt tell them this part of what is really bothering me.

Now my brother has a new thing saying I need counseling. He goes around telling everyone that I need to be counseled. The more he says it the more 'crazy' i get. I dont know how to control my emotions... so recently i have been saying to him 'well i am crazy because of you abusing me'. Then I've had a few emotional outbursts with my father and in it I scream out things like, 'what kind of father were you for allowing him to do that and now you side with him'. My poor father!

I feel aweful afterwards because it has been such a secret for so many years. I dont want this to come out. I have been good about not bringing it up at all... but because he keeps on me and taunting me and criticising me with hurtful nasty comments, Its getting harder to keep this a secret.

Now I can't get counseling. My family is in show biz and something like this would be leaked so fast and would be devastating for all of us. My brother wants me to get counseling, but I am sure he is confident I would not bring this up.

Lately, I have suicidal thoughts from time to time. 99% of the time I am happy but this little dirty secret is killing me the other 1% of the time. I have NO ONE to talk to about it and I can not trust any one at all with this. Its just not something I can do.

I need to know how to cope with this continued 'verbal abuse' from my brother and be able to get over the past.

Thank you so kindly in advance and sorry this is so long.

Hummm, you are a very strong women. Do you see the many issues that are rittled all through your message? Rather then take on the whole issue of the past or verbal abuse, try to break it down in to smaller more manageble parts.

This is just a working model that I'm working on, feel free to use it, or not...

To solve mental/abuse/anger/fear/etc issues in life try this.

1. Become aware of it, weather it's a thought, feeling, action.

2. break it down into parts, so you can manage it. Small steps to a bigger goal.

3. Imagine the goal, focus on the goal, and picture it clear in your mind.

4. Consistancy, Keep on task slow and steady and practice any skills often but short.

5. Celebrate small success.

You may consider moving away so you are not in that situation. Allowing you to re group, build skills, and find yourself.

There is not really much we can give to you.

"I need to know how to cope with this continued 'verbal abuse' from my brother and be able to get over the past."- you

What kind of options are you looking to use, spiritual, religious, Psychological/scientific (self help), just expressing yourself, self-defence course(nothing like a little Teakwondo or Mixed Martical arts to boots the confidence/endorphines/physique/etc)...

It may be a good idea to give us a clearer idea what you mean by, "I need to know how to cope with this continued 'verbal abuse' from my brother and be able to get over the past." - you

I understand the reason why, but what do you want to do about it...

I think the brother's anger and aggressiveness toward scarlet, is to control the secret through intimidation.

I agree that it could also be guilt, remorse, and add the loss of a parent to the mix, emotions are running high. IF the secret has been controlled for so long, successfully, Scarlet indeed needs to consider all her options.

Has there been a history of any sexual exploitation, otherwise. What have his relationships been like with girlfriends. Violent, aggressive, physically or emotionally abusive? How did he treat his mother and father, and other close relatives. Was there ever whispers of innapropriate behaviour with younger cousins.

It is entirely possible that, IF this sexual history with you Scarlet, was 'only' with you, and is something that he is willing to address, I would go that route first. Just my opinion here, but to involve anybody but the two of you and a counsellor, may not result in closure.

I don't want anybody to read this wrong here. I'm not saying that the brother should not pay for what he's done, but he cannot undo the past. IF this was something that he did, and regretted, he needs to address how it has affected another life and take responsibility for it, and sincerely and honestly expose what he has done, via a third party.

If it is possible to at least start that way. Addressing this verbally may not result in compliance with this request. Try writing out a letter, include the date and time for counselling to address specific concerns, and tell him you will expect nothing less than him showing up, and dealing with what he has done. Register the letter, request a signature, and keep a copy.

If all else fails to produce any meaningful insight from him, and he refuses to take the necessary steps to address all the issues, then I would consider two things. One would be individual counselling for you Scarlet, and an appointment with a good lawyer.

I say this because he is being given an opportunity to, as much as can be expected, set the events of the past in the past where they belong, by addressing what he has done, through a reasonable request by you.

If he refuses, I would be highly suspicious of why, and for my own well being, again only my opinion here, I would address this through legal means, and see what your options are.

If plan 'A' goes, and he is able to resolve this with you, that would be great. But, if resolution is not going to happen that way, you and only you, can decide whether to take other action, or work this through with a good counsellor, for your own peace of mind.

You noted that you have not had effective counselling. I would try another town or city. All licenced therapists ahere to a code of conduct, and protecting your privacy is at the top of the list. Ask them about privacy issues, to reassure yourself before you go. Try to get someone experienced with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and don't be afraid to ask a lot of questions.

I wish you well, and sincerely hope that this works out for you, and hopefullly you will feel somewhat secure in posting your thoughts again, here.

Thank you all SO VERY MUCH!

After all these years of being bottled up and afraid to say anything, posting this and getting these replies has been a huge relief... and at times I'm nervous... mixed feelings, but most importantly it has been SO HELPFUL to read your words. THANK YOU!

Well, to answer a few questions...

I don't believe he hurt anyone else. My brother and I were model children and now adults. My brother has done so many good samaritin things that make me realize he is a loving person. (which is even more the reason why I can't understand why he hates me).

Every one thought of our family as 'perfect'. My brother's relationships are all good from what I understand. Not one girlfriend has left him and not come back to be friends. Every single person he dated has remained friends that I know of. He just recently married and I refused to go to his wedding. It was out of town and he did not invite me directly and I only found out about it last minute through my father and frankly I did not want to go. Of course everyone has created a stink over this.

At the first episodes I was 3 and 4, so my brother was 7 and 8 years old. We were left with nannys and had plenty of free time. Perhaps someone abused him I thought. How would he know these things? We were not sure.

At the last episode I as 12/13 and he was 16/17. I remember specifically at the time he was dating some model who was 23 and my parents were making a big stink about why a 22 year old would want to go out with a 16 year old. He was very popular at school and such.

The reason I can't go to counseling is because we are connected to what some would say is a "household name". I already tried going 60 miles out of L.A. with the last doctor but then found out they knew us more quickly. I have learned through my life is that even if they are bound by laws of confidentiality that they seem to can't be quiet to tell friends etc of who they 'know'. I can't take that chance anymore.

Report him? I cant. I carry huge guilt of the happiness of my family (I do not know why after the way they treat me). My parents reaction when they found out was a shocker. It seemed like I became an outkast of the family at that point. After that my dad would never hug me or say he loved me (our family always told each other how we love you etc. at that point it just stopped with my father, who is my world in many ways). So I couldn't imagine any more pain in that way.

I appreciate seeing my brother as 'human' more than a 'criminal'. I know he feels bad for it and I think he was acting out perhaps. Not that I am justifying it but I am just trying to deal with the pain of all this and the way he continue to treats me and why I even care how he treats me. However, I don't want to hurt any one. I just really want to get past this and feel love and not want to die that 1% of the time.

I suppose I am messed up but thank you so much for your comments. I do appreciate it and am considering all the great ideas you've listed.

Maybe it is time to put this behind you then, once and for all. To keep carrying this simmering 1% as you put it, will only keep rearing its ugly head unless you do finally put it to rest.

I am relieved in a way to know that your brother's history doesn't indicate further abuse of others, although it is curious your observation that he may have been a victim himself somewhere along the line.

Do you think you can ever forgive him without him stepping up and admitting what he did, and apologizing for it?

Would it be possible to put your words together in a letter to him, with that in mind, and clear your thoughts by writing them out to him. Then let it go.

Or, perhaps writing them all out one last time, just for yourself, all the pain and confusion and hurt you've suffered, and then burn the letter without telling a soul.

I hope you find the strength to face it one last time, and deal with it in a final way.

Good luck to you Scarlet, you deserve some peace and resolve to this.

I'm sorry you had/have to deal with this. But that's just it. I'm not sure if you really really dealt with it. It sounded as if your emotions were all over the place. You shouldn't feel shame especially for having an "emotional outburst". These outbursts will keep happening and I don't mean on a normal human level when someone is simply having a bad day. If you don't deal with it, go through ALL of the emotions, anger, hurt, fear, shame, etc. they will branch out in different directions. As you go through life you may not know why you are reacting such ways in certain situations and with interacting with people. Have you tried a hotline or speaking to a counselor over the phone. You can keep it anonymous. Where I live they have this service I'm referring to.
Scarletgirl, abuse comes in many forms and sometimes abuse from a person can be so subtle yet do much damage that you may not realize. Damage other than your initial feelings. Verbal or any abuse in UNACCEPTABLE. And your brother was old enough to know what he was doing. I'm no expert but it seems like your brother is trying to project his feelings of insecurity and inferiority onto you. You're especially an easy target if he likes your reaction(s). This is actually a "high", although temporary, for A LOT of people. If he can't take his stuff out on you or try to get rid of it and dump it on you, believe me, he will re-route that negative energy onto someone else. Another victim. I'm sure, as you say, he is a good person or good samaritan. It doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem. It's a shame because it sounds as though he needs therapy as well even though he made the police force. His "stuff" will eventually haunt him and come out later as well as yours. I'm very sorry about your mom too and that throws another whole ball game into the mix. Please try still to seek a professional, a good therapist. Do it here with someone if you have to. I am not a professional but be patient. Someone will come along here and possibly offer. Hang in there and please don't just try and let this go. You need healing and closure.

Couldn't agree more with trmpldonagn,

No one should accept any form of abuse, whether physical or verbal. Since this experience has happened a while ago, it's normal that your emotional "outbursts" will continue to happen unless you get some kind of therapy.

If posting on here has helped you in any way, I'm more than happy for you. Yet if you think you need more help, maybe you should call a hotline as suggested above - that way you can remain anonymous. Or just talk it out with a friend, or write a letter - the main objective here is giving yourself a chance to break the silence becaue bottling all of these emotions up, is what causes these outbursts.

I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my prayers,

Take care,

-Xm8

Letting out what happen to you is therephy because if you would've kept this bottled up it would've done more harm than good.

People see theraphists all the time including rich famous people. Whatever you discuss with your counselor is confidential information and he or she can't tell nobody because that is the law and if they break that rule they will have a lot of legal problems. And outsiders won't know why your there for all they know it can be for grieving over your mom death.

It seems like your carry a heavy load on your shoulders and putting yourself last. Your family let you down by ignoring what your brother did to you but nobody was there you. You should've been protected and he shouldn't be walking the streets living a normal carefree life but in the end he will have to answer for all his wrong and they have a special place for him when he past on.

You need to do what is right and in your best interests, screw everyone else. I think even think I would be able to be in the same room as him without wanting to cause him any harm. I must say your stronger than me but you can mask everything with a smile and your dying on the inside.

I really think therephyb would help and I am sorry for happen to you and sorry no one stood up for you.

XOXOXOXOXO
Liz

I think you should report him. This is not acceptable, ABUSE is not acceptable.

If he can do it to you, his own sister he can do it to anyone.

Don't let others suffer, you have the power to stop this.

I think this may help you with your own suffering, get some justice for yourself. Help to heal from your past.

Thank you EVERY ONE for your comments and suggestions. I have made attempts to see a counselor out of town but again am very afraid of the lack of anonymity through sharing this. I can't tell you how much sadness but relief from reading others comments on this. The pain is so immense at time but knowing there are kind people out there with a sound mind put me at an ease that I've not felt ever.
Thank you again for this web site! Thank you again for these wonderful posters! And thank you for your input!

The reason I can't go to counseling is because we are connected to what some would say is a "household name".
Any breach of confidence by a doctor is a legal wrong that could cause a doctor to lose their license.You could also sue them for every penny they are worth and I do not believe that any doctor is willing to break patient confidentiality just to get a few headlines.

I think your fear of being *found out* is unfounded and perhaps just a way for you to avoid the painful process of therapy.Have you considered that you are making excuses to not face these harsh realities from your past?

Your brothers attitude is most likely the result of the guilt he harbors from the past abuse at his hands.He is unable to face you on an equal footing because he would have to truly accept what he did to you emotionally.It sounds like a self-defense mechanism.

I think you need to rethink your position on not being able to receive confidential treatment.Half of Hollywood is in treatment and there should be no stigma attached to it.

Please seek the help you so deserve.

OK, so you all were right. I don't know what it is but after all these years its starting to all leak out in fights and its uncontrollable emotion. Its awful. If anyone has any good confidential referrals in so California, please post if you are allowed to? Thanks so much for everyone's support.

Rockman Family Counseling, Inc. (http://www.rockmanthx.com/certifications.htm)
Survivors Healing Center · Welcome! (http://www.survivorshealingcenter.org/)

I cannot attest to the quality of these referrals but looking at their credentials,they appear to be highly trained and reputable.
I am glad you are getting the help you need.

Im not going to act like I know what you are going through because I have never had anything close to that happen. I just wanted to ask you if you were a member of a church or if you had ever thought of moving. If it is that bad then you might go out of town and go to another police department that doest know you and tell them your story. Have a restraing order put on him.

You need to report the loser honey he could be doing this to someone else and nobody is saying anything... you never know... and let him know you do need help but its all at the fault of him... hes sick and disturb! Report him if you do nothing else report him... there are too many people out there doing this and its sick...
You may want to seek help for yourself also... I went to therapy and I am fine now...

Report him, now, if statue of limitation of over, well they can't do anything but you come clean with it.

Sue him for the cost of your medical treatment in any case.

And don't go anywhere he is at, dont talk to him and don't allow him near you, get a restraining order if he does.

And why can't you go to a mental health counselor that "knows" your family, they by law can't disclose anything you tell them. but if not, find a doctor who you don't know. The fact is you have to reach out and get help.
** I would get the professoinal help before I would do my suggestioins above, to be sure that is thier idea also, but people that come to me as a victim have to learn to stand up to the idea and fight back.

This is right mate. If I had a brother who was like that, I would not call him my brother. He needs locking away for good! You are not alone, there are thousands of people in your position, the problem being you are all too scared/embarressed to talk, see a counseller, or email the police. That way they can talk to you about it, and gain confidance over time to talk to someone about it. They will be helpful to you!

Thanks again every one! I really appreciate the feedback more than you can know.

Well, first of all too much time elapsed to report it, FYI. This is what I discovered... and I am not sure if that would be help anyhow... and he is law enforcement.

The thing is now we have a tragedy that has come into play of a mutual loved one. So, I have to see him. We are not living in the same location.

Also recently I have been getting in fits of temper where I am blurting out parts of the ugly things. I did so in front of my dad, which shocked myself as well. This is why I know I need help. I have contacted one of the places artlady referred to me, and waiting to hear back. I intend to find someone that is good and preferably some one out of town.

I just want to let the pain go. I really want to get past this. My brother is making every one in my family believe I am 'angry' and 'crazy'. Its weird that he is doing this but its not getting the results it used to get. Now I am letting out the dirty little secret he wanted me to keep. So the more he pushes me the more I let it out. I don't like this about me, so getting help is the answer. You all are RIGHT!

Thank you!

I just want to update for anyone that has helped me (THANK YOU!) and anyone that is going through this... listen to the advice others listed above.

So my situation got worse. I took the advice above and found a counselor. He is good and after a month or so of treatment, I notice myself being way more empowered and feeling like there is hope. I can't tell you how long it has been. However, I confronted my brother and he keeps saying in reply that it is my fantasy. I guess the little girl in me wants to believe him and at times I think could it be that this really didn't happen. It totally happened. So, my reply has been lets take a polygraph, both of us. He stopped talking to me after that and stopped saying it was fantasy. So, perhaps for once I have the upperhand. The sad thing is he has pitted my family against me, once again... and so I am moving out and moving on. Lots has changed and I sure hope I'm doing the right thing. Thanks again for everyone's advice!

Thank you everyone!

You really should get counceling and its an pity that he would behave in that manner, well ignore him.

Those can be signs of jealousy, or he's just immature and obnoxious.

Take care of yourself.

-Justice

P.S * Nothing personal the way I'm talking about your brother, just the way I think it is.

Thank you all SO VERY MUCH!

After all these years of being bottled up and afraid to say anything, posting this and getting these replies has been a huge relief... and at times i'm nervous... mixed feelings, but most importantly it has been SO HELPFUL to read your words. THANK YOU!

Well, to answer a few questions...

I dont believe he hurt anyone else. My brother and I were model children and now adults. My brother has done so many good samaritin things that make me realize he is a loving person. (which is even more the reason why i can't understand why he hates me).

Every one thought of our family as 'perfect'. My brother's relationships are all good from what I understand. Not one girlfriend has left him and not come back to be friends. Every single person he dated has remained friends that i know of. He just recently married and I refused to go to his wedding. It was out of town and he did not invite me directly and I only found out about it last minute through my father and frankly I did not want to go. Of course everyone has created a stink over this.

At the first episodes I was 3 and 4, so my brother was 7 and 8 years old. We were left with nannys and had plenty of free time. Perhaps someone abused him I thought. How would he know these things? We were not sure.

At the last episode i as 12/13 and he was 16/17. I remember specifically at the time he was dating some model who was 23 and my parents were making a big stink about why a 22 year old would want to go out with a 16 year old. He was very popular at school and such.

The reason I can't go to counseling is because we are connected to what some would say is a "household name". I already tried going 60 miles out of L.A. with the last doctor but then found out they knew us more quickly. I have learned through my life is that even if they are bound by laws of confidentiality that they seem to can't be quiet to tell friends etc of who they 'know'. I can't take that chance anymore.

Report him? I cant. I carry huge guilt of the happiness of my family (I do not know why after the way they treat me). My parents reaction when they found out was a shocker. It seemed like I became an outkast of the family at that point. After that my dad would never hug me or say he loved me (our family always told each other how we love you etc. at that point it just stopped with my father, who is my world in many ways). So i couldnt imagine any more pain in that way.

I appreciate seeing my brother as 'human' more than a 'criminal'. I know he feels bad for it and I think he was acting out perhaps. Not that i am justifying it but I am just trying to deal with the pain of all this and the way he continue to treats me and why i even care how he treats me. However, I dont want to hurt any one. I just really want to get past this and feel love and not want to die that 1% of the time.

I suppose I am messed up but thank you so much for your comments. I do appreciate it and am considering all the great ideas you've listed.






Hi Scarlet, Im new here. Ive never gone public with any of my details. This is my first time. I too have gone through the same as you... my brother is now a minister. A very good person, so the guilt of dealing with this is overwhelming, no one would ever believe me, even if I tried. Well, thank you for posting. The best of luck to you.
Cheers.

Your story is very similar to mine. My brother was 3 years older and I was so desperate for attention and affection that I did what he asked. Then I think he was so ashamed or afraid I would tell, that he became verbally abusive. My mom is also dead and my dad stands up for my brother's actions. We never talk about what happened and I only see my brother at Christmas. He drinks heavily now and I wonder if it is because of me and what he did to me. I feel I can't go to counciling and wonder if it would even help if I did. My husband is awesome, knows what happened and is supportive. He is so great that I want to get better for him. I want to trust him enough to have a better relationship, but I get so scared that I quit trying in the bedroom. I also keep having thoughts of being with other men, even though I haven't and would never cheat on him. I wonder why I desire other guys when my husband is nothing but understanding and loving. Any ideas?
Were you able to get help without conciling?

Ive' been able to trust a peer who has gone through a similar experience. We went through a couple of weeks of just listening to each others stories and figuring things out. This has worked wonders for me. As well as confiding in my dear Husband many times, and still being loved no matter what I have been through. Unconditional love goes a heck of a long way for healing. Ive been to counseling for issues that were related to but not about the issue with my brother. We get along very well, I love him a lot. It makes me wonder if he ever remembers what happened. Councel is a good idea, peer counselling is an excellent choice as well. You can speak with other survious and it helps you to not feel alone and guilty as much when you realize that many of them reacted the same way you did. I hope this helps. Good luck.

Thank-you for your support. I just told my husband today that I was ready to start dealing. It is amazing how supportive and how much he loves me unconditionally. I appreciate your advice. Writing about it here I think is a good start, especially knowing others have gone through the same thing. As I read more about it, I am amazed at how it has affected me and I didn't even know it. When you went to counciling, was it okay or were parts unbearable? I feel that I am dealing well as long as I don't face the issues too much. I am pretty scared of going full force and taking it all on.

I think you need to forgive your brother.

I'm not a psychologist, not a therapist... but, I do know that forgivness is the best remedy.

Am I saying that he was right? God no! He was very wrong. Its apparent your alone in this fight.. Instead of standing and screaming in a room where no one can hear you... Let it go. Forgive him. Forgive him for being a weak person.. Forgive him for not being able to find true happiness in life... that the only way he can feel content is to make you miserable.

Forgiving him for his actions isn't going to be quick. ITs not going to be words that come from your mouth that his ears can hear. In fact, you don't even have to tell him anything. Within your own mind... Your own soul, let go of the past, even though it was devastating, and move forward with your life. It seems like you have a lot of potential, don't let someone take that from you!

Forgiving your brother will also allow yourself to grow within yourself. Make yourself be stronger! Do what makes you happy! Learn to love with all of your heart and soul! Don't let him steal that away from you! Which is exactally what he is accomplishing right now. He stole your childhood, he stole your innocense... Don't let him steal your life.

If you feel as if you need to speak with a therapist, don't let anyone stand in your way. This is your life. Take control of it. If your parents can't understand and reason with what has happened to you and basically looked the other way, then screw it. Why should you give up your life, your happiness for people who aren't there for you when your most vulnerable.

Sometimes, your most darkest moments lead you to where you want to be. Sometime you need to hit rock bottom before you realize that your life is more important than anyone else's.

Please don't end your life because of what your brother did to you. If you kill yourself because of him, than you just gave him all the power in the world.

I'm a spiteful B****... I would stay alive just to piss him off ;) And I would be happy while I do it!

Try and find the small things in life that make you happy right now. Recovering from an injury as big as yours does take time. Prove to the world that you are a strong, smart and capable woman!

Lucky098 – you are awesome! That’s great advice. I know from experience forgiveness is the best solution. Everything you said is exactly how I’ve learned to cope with the abuse I experienced from my brother as a child.
My brother is 7 years older than me and did some sexual things to me a few times when I was between 5 & 6 years old. Once I was old enough to realize how his past abuse was negatively affecting my life, I refused to allow his hurtful actions rule me. In order to do that, I had to forgive him in my own mind. I never confronted him because I feel this is something he has to come to terms with on his own. Well it seems as though that time has come. I found this website because I received a phone call from my brother today asking if he could have a talk with me tonight. We don’t talk much except for family gatherings. Considering he’s in AA and working on his 12 steps, I know part of his healing process is confronting things he did in his past and asking for forgiveness. He’s struggled with hard drugs pretty much all his life. To put things in perspective, he’ll be 40 this year, tried his 1st drug at 8 years old and was hooked by 18. He’s been in and out of rehab, never taking it seriously. He finally hit rock bottom when the whole family cut him off and now he’s been sober for the longest time in his adult life and is very active in AA. I can only assume he is on his step where he needs to ask for forgiveness.
I know his drug use and inability to stay sober comes from the guilt of what he did to me as a child and of course all of the other bad things he’s done throughout the years. I don’t believe he ever touched another child, but he’s done some downright evil things in his life. Anyone who is not in denial and has a serious addict in their life will understand that in order for an addict to get their next fix they will lie, steal, cheat, hurt & manipulate anyone and everyone in their life…including sweet ole grandma. He’s got a lot of demons to deal with in order to heal. What he did to me has haunted him all his life and I’m relieved to know he’s finally confronting this demon. I may have let it go, but he’s still struggling. This gives me hope that in his 40 years of life, he is finally serious about staying sober.
Of course there’s a lot more to my story, but what it boils down to is I found a way to forgive him in order to move on with my life. When I was 22 and 23 I lost 3 people who were very close to me, including my father. Those losses made me realize life is too short to be unhappy. Throughout my 20’s I took a good long look at my life and realized I had to let go of past hurts and forgive in order to find the happiness I was seeking. It wasn’t easy and at first I tried to cope with alcohol, marijuana and/or pills. That didn’t work and I saw myself going down the wrong path so I went through therapy, got on and off anti-depressants & read many self help books. I learned to understand there is no quick fix. I’m still learning, growing and healing every day. I’ve come a long way and I know I’m lucky to have the chance to get closure on this issue tonight.
I don’t really have any additional advice, I just hope by telling my story I can help someone realize that forgiveness is sometimes the best therapy. Once you find the ability to forgive you will move on towards living a full and happy life.
My brother is 7 years older than me and did some sexual things to me a few times when I was between 5 & 6 years old. Once I was old enough to realize how his past abuse was negatively affecting my life, I refused to allow his hurtful actions rule me. In order to do that, I had to forgive him in my own mind. I never confronted him because I feel this is something he has to come to terms with on his own. Well it seems as though that time has come. I found this website because I received a phone call from my brother today asking if he could have a talk with me tonight. We don’t talk much except for family gatherings. Considering he’s in AA and working on his 12 steps, I know part of his healing process is confronting things he did in his past and asking for forgiveness. He’s struggled with hard drugs pretty much all his life. To put things in perspective, he’ll be 40 this year, tried his 1st drug at 8 years old and was hooked by 18. He’s been in and out of rehab, never taking it seriously. He finally hit rock bottom when the whole family cut him off and now he’s been sober for the longest time in his adult life and is very active in AA. I can only assume he is on his step where he needs to ask for forgiveness.
I know his drug use and inability to stay sober comes from the guilt of what he did to me as a child and of course all of the other bad things he’s done throughout the years. I don’t believe he ever touched another child, but he’s done some downright evil things in his life. Anyone who is not in denial and has a serious addict in their life will understand that in order for an addict to get their next fix they will lie, steal, cheat, hurt & manipulate anyone and everyone in their life…including sweet ole grandma. He’s got a lot of demons to deal with in order to heal. What he did to me has haunted him all his life and I’m relieved to know he’s finally confronting this demon. I may have let it go, but he’s still struggling. This gives me hope that in his 40 years of life, he is finally serious about staying sober.
Of course there’s a lot more to my story, but what it boils down to is I found a way to forgive him in order to move on with my life. When I was 22 and 23 I lost 3 people who were very close to me, including my father. Those losses made me realize life is too short to be unhappy. Throughout my 20’s I took a good long look at my life and realized I had to let go of past hurts and forgive in order to find the happiness I was seeking. It wasn’t easy and at first I tried to cope with alcohol, marijuana and/or pills. That didn’t work and I saw myself going down the wrong path so I went through therapy, got on and off anti-depressants & read many self help books. I learned to understand there is no quick fix. I’m still learning, growing and healing every day. I’ve come a long way and I know I’m lucky to have the chance to get closure on this issue tonight.
I don’t really have any additional advice, I just hope by telling my story I can help someone realize that forgiveness is sometimes the best therapy. Once you find the ability to forgive you will move on towards living a full and happy life.

OMG! At 17 he sure as hell knew what he was doing. I feel so sorry for you scarlet girl. Def. get counceling, get it off your chest. If anything he should be trying to make up for what he did. Treating you the way that he is must make you feel like it was your fault in some sort of sick way. Your not to blame hear hunny. Don't let him get you down, and the next time he says something innapropriate, you fire back, don't be bashfull. Let him know that what he did to you was not OK, and hopefully he hasn't done this too anyone else. He has boundary issues, you on the other hand are just the victim, and need to talk.

He knew what he was doing, stand up to him and don't let him do this to anyone else hunny.

I really don't know what to say I'm sorry to hear about you and your brother. I had the same thing but with my really close first cousin and I'm still learning how to cope with it I guess all I can say is that taking counseling is good but with someone who doesn't know your parents also it helps when you have close friends to help take away the pain a little all you can do is tell your bro to **** off and that just because you didn't let him have it his way doesn't mean he has to be such a jerk because he sees that by putting you down you won't say anything but he's wrong threaten him if you have to tell him that if he doesn't stop that you'll report it so that everyone will know that should scare him a bit and if not get a restraining order on him just because he's your brother doesn't mean he deserves to be let off easy. When he bugs you just relax walk away and count to ten and think about your future and not about him trust me karma always gets them back you just worry about yourself and making yourself happy kk I wish you the best and wish me luck too seriously I need it because right now its like no one understands me but I know things will get better I have faith . :)

Hey me again one more thing that your really guna need just like I forgave my cousin even though what he did was wrong I know that hell get his just focus on yourself and don't pay any attention to him be strong always there are millions of girls like us and we all have to stick together always get counseling take a breather and don't pay any attention to him he made you miserable as a child don't let him do it again don't give him that satisfaction hunny stay strong with love hk aka hello kitty090105

Those who's wound has healed and formed a scar is at a different stage to those who are still feeling the dagger. As long as your brother continues to disrespect you and turning your family against you the wound is fresh and bloody. Nobody in here is in a position to tell you to forgive nor should you force yourself to forgive. No matter how lovely and beautiful forgiveness has bore fruit to others, you're looking at somebody else's rainbow after somebody else's storm. That lady has a loving husband, a pillar for support and the perpetrator asked her for forgiveness out of guilt. Was it the same for you? The so called guilt felt by your brother has long turned into frustration and anger directed at you the victim! He is taking it out on you. He blames you. He degrades you. Yet none none of this is your fault. So why allow him to relieve his sin at your expense. Your brother wants you to get over it ASAP. Why? Because like everyone else he thinks if you did then everything will change for the better. Because you are a constant reminder!

Your brother tells you it's a hallucination because he thinks he can get away with it. No more fuss. You think he is suffering from guilt and crying a river during the time he refused to talk to you. However have you thought he might not be thinking about you at all. By not talking to you and not seeing you, he is trying to forget you and move on happily. How can you let that happen? Let him move on before you could. Redemption should be earned. Forgiveness is a power bestowed to you alone and to used by your decision. Your brother betrayed you. Your family betrayed you from the moment they begged you not to report him they have already sided with him. They allowed and prolonged your suffering for whom? Fingers pointed you know who caused all this pain and suffering. Your brother? No. unfortunately not just your brother, its them all. Have you ever asked yourself if you decide to bring your brother to justice will the rest of your family be willing to tell the truth with regard to what the doctors said that day and explain the non-reporting of the incident? Or will they continue to deny it and take his side? Then try and ask them this same question. If they try to weasel out then tell them its hypothetical and demand an answer. No one deserve to build happiness by burying someone else's suffering.

Wow, this is very good. Thank you for all this! Its painful to hear but its totally what I needed to hear. I have since tried to move on and anytime he or my father disrespect me, I speak up LOUD and CLEAR and I tell them I will not stand for it. Of course they've labeled me as emotional, erratic and crazy at times but at least they watch what they say in my presence and to me.
Thank you for this!

I was abused by my brother too and am having some of the same problems you are having if you ever need some one to talk to I'm here... and I didn't tell anyone for a long time either but you need to tell some one if you need any advise from some one who has been there

Admin edit: removed email address.

I believe your parents should be ashamed for not turning him in and then turn the guilt on to you for what? For doing the right thing and telling. Their reputation trumped their daughter's emotions and hurt. Your brother needs to be locked up in a prison because God only knows how many other girls have become victims to his abuse which could have been prevented if your parents did their job all those years back, whether they were embarrassed of ashamed it does not help to protect a human that is forcefully abusing a child. These men are a different breed and this seems like normal behavior the sad thing is though is they are everywhere and most of them are our dads, brothers, stepbrothers, uncles, grandpa's etc.. And the more victims they abuse the more likley those victims will become abusers too, doing what they have learned. Sex abuse should not be shameful for the victim is should be shameful for the sick twisted individual that thought it was OK to ask that child to take her clothes off, they should all be castrated with a black tatooed forehead that says I AM A MOLESTER!!

My older brother pulled me under the sheets one time when I was little, he laid on top of me with clothes on , and although I had no idea what he was doing all I remember was thinking that whatever was happening felt good. I was about 7 or 8 , he was about 14 or 15. I remember thinking I wished he would do it again, but thinking back on it, it was because I longed for his attention. He was older and hardly paid attention to me and I adored him. I am now married, and my brother moved out as soon as he graduated high school and went into the army, now he is high ranking. I see parallels in our stories, where our brothers feel they need to convey perfection, and like you I have suffered with deep depression and always trying to be perfect myself , dealing with self image issues even currently.

I thank God it only happened once, and that my brother moved away. I love my family too but haven't had the courage to share this with anyone in my family. Up until lately I used to think I imagined it. One time I was drunk with my husband and the subject of molestation came up I started bawling , he was so confused, and I told him I didn't want to admit to something I wasn't sure if it had happened, but why would I imagine it? Sure I wanted my brother's attention but at 7 that sort of stuff didn't come to my mind. I am so afraid of him denying it , worse, breaking my mom's heart. I know my brother has serious issues, and that's perhaps why I haven't said anything.

I feel our brothers have issues, and have left deep scars in us, for wanting attention, we were preyed upon, and feel guilty, which has turned into self-inflicting wounds. Trust me, even being married this has not left me, its still deep in my heart and I try very hard to bury it, but it comes up , and many times I feel I should get counseling , but I feel I didn't have it as bad as people who actually got raped. But you and I have got to stop neglecting the hurt they caused by not talking about it... it's good you are talking about it here. And this is the FIRST time I open up about my own brother.

One time I wrote him an email while he was in Iraq, telling him I forgave him for anything he may have done wrong but I just wanted to be close to him. He wrote back and completely didn't even go there, which made me feel crazy, like I did imagine these things because he didn't admit any guilt to anything... I hope to one day tell my husband because he is my best friend, and hopefully he can help me move forward, without my brother's admittance. I think what bothers me the most is that he opened me up to be curious about molestation, sometimes I want to read about it or watch it because it reassures me that Im not the only crazy one that enjoyed something sexual with her brother, and it's sick. In my mind I know it's sick. But that's what he did to me and that's why it bothers me so much, and why I'm so angry with him at times, for pretending to be perfect and hearing my family say things that he has led them to believe he's perfect. Because I know the truth, but then again, neither am I .

I am still very confused at times, as you can see...

I HAVE BEEN THROUGH A SIMILAR SITUATION AND IM SCARED TO COME CLEAN TO MY FAMILY>>>THEy HATE ME>>>MY BROTHER WAS 4 years older than me and I think my uncle played a role in this happening to me... I suppressed this for so long it has made me depressed, I know no one will believe me.. none of my family at least... I feel like I'm going insane and maybe want to end my life somedays... He has his on life but my life with a man I seem to hate them because of my brother and my uncle... How could they molest me and try to be in my face... I hate them I hate them I hate them... I think my brother is sorry for what he did but it will never get rid of my scorn spirit.. I cry and I don't think of it as much... im glad I posted this... I hate both of them with a passion now they want to be holy into church... I HATE THEM

Hi Scarletgirl,

I relate to your situation. Therapy can help a great deal if the therapist is a good fit, and I wouldn't worry about the therapist doing so much as to even confirm that you are a client - you could sue them for breach of confidentiality and win. They would also face professional censure. You have more control over the therapy relationship than you may realize. At the outset the therapist should give you a signed contract promising to protect your privacy. Just to REALLY drive the point home, you can even write up something additional, in your own words, reiterating your right to privacy - even among other therapists. (Often therapists seek input from their peers.) An ethical therapist will respect and honor your concerns.

However you choose to proceed, please don't base your healing on the condition that your brother apologize to you. That would be giving him control of your life. The reality is that he knew what he did was wrong, and he tries to cope with it by minimizing your worth as a human being. His character is flawed, and he's a coward for not owning up to the harm he caused you. Some people - even if they are family - are best not kept in your life. I know this goes against convention, but conventional families don't conspire to protect the abuser.

Stay strong, and take gentle care of yourself. I'm impressed that in spite of everything you've been through, you've been able to function as well as you have been. Although healing is possible, the abuse has changed you and you face the formidable challenge of learning how to live with those experiences. Notice I didn't say "move on". Abusers love to say it, just like they love to say their victim is crazy.

Xo
MissPixie

WOW!! You're a trooper. Im sorry, but my experience is so similar it's scary! Only my brother is 5 years older and is a minister. He travels around the world and is very popular, I too wouldn't want to affect him, his family (kids) and the rest of the family by bringing the dirty secret out. My brother was "always right" which made me feel crazy! Very condesending and controlling. My parents were always so proud of him, and I was the one with "problems". I have wasted my life trying to prove to them that there is nothing wrong with me and that I am smart and successful... to no avail. As far as they are all concerned, I'm too soft and have issues. I think even if I mention it (the incidents) now, it would not matter, my word would hold no weight with any of them. Don't give up on yourself! You are worth sooooo much! Life has a way of turning around somehow and will always find a way to thrive.. . a blad of grass will slowly and gracefully push its way through the hardest concrete, and will find its way to the sun... so will you, hang in there.

Love and Peace

Wow this was posted a very long time ago but a similar thing happened to me...
My brother molested be and abused me as a child and would make me cry, then he would make me laugh and he would apologize and make me promise not to tell. It was almost like a game...
Anyway this has not been an issue for years. But now with the new living arrangements, I find it so hard to get away from his presence that I am always feeling angry and disgusted.
As well, he recently told me that since he cannot physically harm me, he has been trying his best to 'break something' inside of me.. meaning emotionally. When he told me this all of the pieces just fell into place and I knew that there was something seriously wrong with him and that I was being abused.
So I really understand how you feel and I am glad to see that you are making progress.

Confront him directly. If he ever has kids in the future threaten that you will arrange for the same thing he did to you to be done to them if he doesn't break down in apology in front of your face

Pay some yobs to beat him out the blue.

Thing is you need to see him break down. You need to see his weak side.

Alternatively you can forgive and forget and see yourself as a separate thing from all that has happened to you. Separate the act and your worth. You want acknowledgement, payback and to blow off steam the above suggestions are the best thing. Alternatively arrange to have his closest friends know. Keep your family out of it.. devise a lie... fake an old diary entry.. bring up some ex schoolmate you can use as a fake witness.. act it all out in front of the family. See how brother will look. If you can get an ex primary school mate who is a woman (with a brother) to help you act the scenario out in your family living room, it would be gold.

There are many things you can do. Depends on what you want and how committed you are.

I suggest watching this video too

http://www.ted.com/talks/sunitha_krishnan_tedindia.html

Counselling sucks lol if you want to skype my add is jean_091. Hit me up!

* take boxing lessons too.. eating disorder is about control and self punishment. Don't do it. And your family is like.. it's a unit.. it's a system. And believe me I know what its like to be under the public eye. I come from a society that's kind of like LA. So I know exactly what you mean. I've encountered fragmentation within my family and all kinds of that I could not see a counsellor about

* learn to set boundaries. Change the pattern of communication. If walking around with headphones helps you detach, do it. Go somewhere/do something that will make you feel needed and acknowledged. e.g. volunteer in suicide hotline.. or as assistant whatever in a nursery.. get in touch with nature, old people, young people, disabled people.. you need somewhere free of judgement and a place where you can start anew and be "real". By which I mean be "who you are". Start a blog, paint, draw, read.. know your emotions.. don't bury yourself.. don't let your feelings out in a destructive way. See wisdom in your experience. Vow to be a pillar of strength to those who have had a similar past to you.. you can now see yourself as part of the minority in terms of empathy, sensitivity and all that.. so cultivate that. Learn to be tolerant and loving.. the power of love is greater than the power of rage. Though we need to rage first sometimes. Lol

I wish this post wasn't so old. I have gone through the same thing with my brother and feel this exact way right now. That is how I found this post. I am searching for a way to make the pain go away and not upset my family. It is a horrible place to be and unless you are in it you can' t understand it. I hope you are able to read this and respond. I would like to see what you did and if it helped. Thanks

My brother abused me also. I never told. I was also abused by a much older cousin. I never told about that either. One day.. while my dad was on his death bed.. my brother decided to bring it upon himself to tell my dying dad about my cousin abusing me! HE told my dad... not me. (and I would NEVER have told my dad such a stressful thing while he was so sick.) once my brother saw my dads heart breaking reaction to this news.. my brother than decided to toss in.. "well i was abused by him too" (meaning our cousin had abused my brother as well.. which I know not to be true!! ) just to play the sympathy card. Yet my brother never outted himself!! This upset me SO much! More that he told my dad this secret and it wasn t his place to tell plus how selfish to tell a dying man something so awful! But to continue to protect himself? Like it never happened? Just to state.. I am now 40. He is 46. Cousin is 52. This started when I was maybe 6? Until about 13? So... they both knew better. I told my mom about my brother yesterday. She refuses to talk to me. I finally told because he now lives in my parents house and I am not able to go see my mom or visit my dads ashes without him being there.. and he continuously verbally bashes me. Bosses us all around. Is always drunk. Tried to feed his girlfriend one yr old baby beer the other day out of a glass bottle! He is big (6'6" and about 300#) everyone fears him! He continues to rule everyone by intimidation! You need to TELL TELL TELL! Anyone! Carrying that weight around has destroyed my soul. We will never know who we were meant to be because these molesters have altered our destiny so :( tell... I feel so much better today. Because I told. All my family believes me.. except my mom. She is more interested in protecting my brother and fearing him. But that's on her and him. They have to live with all that. As for me/ I am FREE :) good luck to you all!

Was molested by my brother as a child. Tol my parents. Now my husband, children and I are no longer welcome at my parents house for holidays while my brother and his family are still invited. My brother acknowledged the abuse to my parents when I confronted him, so it is not a question of them thinking I am lying.
The hurt is unbearable.

Well I have a same story like you. I'm a guy Well I was molested & raped and used by 2 of my cousin brother and that to for a period of 4 yrs from when I was 11 yrs old to such extent that if I was a gal I would get pregnant. I feel so terrible as I have turned secrectly gay now and cannot get attraction towards gals atall. Done by my cousins!! Its at least forgivable, but dear. I really cannot fathom that you own brother biological did this to you. That's very bad. Why don't you take action regarding this or get yourself into a forum with counseller if your brother had remorse of what he did to you. Understand that he must have done it in the adoloscent age as things get curious. But definitely this is sad and heart breaking stuff.. you need to get a counseller immediately. If not helpful then let me know. Dear.